Friday, September 30, 2011

The Friday Roundup

If you just let your mind go blank for a few seconds every day, you can train yourself to be really good at letting your mind go blank.  Also, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I gave you my thoughts about the weekend

Tuesday:
My review of Week 2 of Dancing With the Stars

Thursday:
I told you a little bit about the best parts of my day

Tweet of the Week
From Rob Delaney
I just took a MASSIVE Kardashian.
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archive
Back in 2008 my mom was just learning how to use her computer and she was fascinated by all the little things it could do — like the “neat little square” in Gmail.  Now she spends large amounts of time on Farmville.  I've created a monster.

Video of the Week
A brilliant speech by Rick Perry.


****

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Best Part of My Day

The Five Best Things in My Day Pre-May 18, 2011
1. Seeing my wife when I get home from work.
2. My workout.
3. Reading before bed.
4. Writing in the evening.
5. Climbing into bed.

The Five Best Things in My Day Post-May 18, 2011
1. Seeing my daughter when I get home from work.
2. Seeing my wife when I get home from work.
3. Making my daughter smile and/or laugh.
4. Making up songs to sing to my daughter.
5. Saying goodnight to my daughter.
****

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 2 - A Review

This week we will be without Metta World Peace.  You say, “Yes, there are several wars raging throughout the world.”  I say, “No, that’s what Ron Artest is now calling himself.”  He won’t regret that change, nor will I regret that he went home.

This week the cast will be doing Quicksteps and Jives.  I guess there are still too many contestants for theme weeks but I absolutely cannot wait for Adult Diaper Week.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Jive
Hope is still playing soccer—she took “don’t quit your day job” to heart.  Maks goes to one of her games and we see her goalie-ing like crazy.  The Canadians can’t get anything past her.  Once she’s done with soccer, she’s going directly to dance practice.  This is the first season that Maks isn’t actively trying to sleep with his partner.  I’m not sure why.

Hello.  Did I mention that she’s sexy?  They dress her in a half top and some super tight pants.  I now know things about Hope Solo that only her doctor knows.  The old judge says, “It was booyakachaka.”  Yes, he said that word and flashed some sort of gang symbol.  Everyone over 60 just turned off their TVs.  The gay judge tells her that her power is not enough and that she needs more practice.  The lady judge says that she’s fun and flirtatious but she needs more polish.  At least they laid off the strong woman = bad dancer crap they were spouting last week.  Even though it was thoroughly covered in the practice clips, Brooke asks, “What is it like switching between soccer and dancing?”  Brooke, what is it like switching between shoe commercials and asking the dumbest questions of all time?

My score: Seriously, don’t quit your day job.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Quickstep
During rehearsal she wears a shirt that reads, “Vote for Kristin and Mark.”  Is that to remind herself?  Brooke begs us to vote every three seconds, I don’t think we need more reminders.  They’re not even attempting to remind us why these people may or may not be famous.

They dress her up like Marilyn Monroe if Marilyn Monroe could eat New York City in one bite.  As usual, Mark goes a little nuts.  The gay judge says, “I’ve been bedazzled by the blond bombshell.”  No, you’ve been bedazzled by your stylist.  The lady judge loved it.  The old judge tells her she looks fantastic but the dance wasn’t as good as she looks.  I bet he’s great on dates, “You’re sexy but awful.”  

My score: Maybe his stylist is a blond bombshell.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Jive
David fancies himself “silly and complicated.”  At one point, he thinks they’ve got it but Kym tells him it was terrible.  He’s shocked.  Why does he dress like a newsie for rehearsals?

He’s wearing a gold suit.  Kym is wearing very little.  I approve.  You know how kids dance when they think they are actually doing dance steps?  Yep, that’s what David is doing.  Pretty sure his daughter could have done better.  In fact, his daughter looks at him after the dance like, “I could have done better.”  The lady judge says he’s very enthusiastic but he almost lost control.  Almost?  I’d say “completely.”  The old judge says, “Is it time for Castle?  Any time that was a Jive was purely by coincidence.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  The old judge is clearly out to prove a point tonight.  That point is, “I’m sick of watching these hacks murder dance.”    

My score: Murder Dance.  Next, on Castle.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep
During rehearsal she’s clearly frustrated and Val calls her out for not wanting to be there.  We are then treated to the standard fight where the contestant thinks the pro is treating her like shit and the pro thinks that she’s not trying.  This show recycles storylines like oil companies raise prices.  In the end Elisabetta comes off looking worse than BP.

Val decided to choreograph a dance that has her standing around more she’s dancing.  It works.  The old judge, “It’s not great but it was better than last week.”  The gay judge loves it but it’s because they are both Italian.  The lady judge thinks that she nailed it.  Brooke asks, “You looked surprised when you were safe last week, what was the deal with that?”  Elisabetta replies, “I am happy.  I am sorry.  I have dancing.”  Or something.

My score: We have to know who you are before we’ll tolerate you being a bitch.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Jive
During rehearsal, Rob has a moment where he realizes that he’s bad at dancing and he nearly breaks down in tears.  Nope.  Not buying it.  No way I’m I ever going to feel sorry for a Kardashian.  I don’t care if that tiny little dog in his purse gets eaten by a dinosaur, I feel no sympathy.  No one in that family deserves any of my energy.

Rob spends the whole dance looking like he’s afraid of touching his partner.  Cheryl has dumbed this dance way down.  The gay judge says that “he’s starting to find his own voice.”  I think he’s judging the wrong competition.  The lady judge says, “It’s official, Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.”  Yes, but everyone is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.  The old judge says it was a great improvement.  When Brooke asks, “Where’s the lack of confidence coming from?” Rob says, “It’s not my thing to go out there in front of people and look people in the eyes and things.”  Communication ain’t your thing?  Thank god you can just ride your sister’s coattails.  

My score: Hatedashian.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Quickstep
Carson thinks this might be his dance until he actually starts dancing.  The rehearsal clips make him look comically bad and not in a way that makes you think he’ll pull it together for the performance.

They shoot the beginning of the dance in black and white because someone must have just figured out how to work the “effects” button.  When the color comes back on, they are dressed in blinding colors.  He dances with his mouth open the whole time like he’s waiting for Anna to jump in.  The dance is awkward and he messes up several times.  The lady judge says, “I saw improvement but she’s not sure what happened to it in the dance.”  So did you see improvement or not?  The old judge says, “If I held a knife and fork like you held Anna, I’d starve to death.  The trouble is that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch.”  See what I mean?  This dude is angry today.  The gay judge just insults their clothes.

My score: One raging old guy.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Jive
Ricki mentions Kirstie Alley again.  Seriously, are they buddies?  Lovers?  What is the deal with these two?  Is it weird that she seems the most well adjusted of the group?

The wardrobe department has decided that Pepto-Bismol is her color.  They do a super crazy dance that feels like it should belong somewhere in Week 6.  Trust me, I know these things now.  The crowd goes wild.  The old judge likes that she attacked it and it was an improvement on last week.  The gay judge says that she’s the first one to do the kicks and flicks correctly, then adds, “And you got to sit on Derek as well.”  The lady judge says, “Best job of the night so far.”

My score: Pepto Queen!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Quickstep
Chaz’s knees hurt.  Also, his knees really hurt.  Also, he’s afraid that his kneecap is going to explode and fly across the room.  Also, he’s got severe pain in his… Oh, Christ, just shut up and dance you whiny little man.  

You didn’t accidentally hit the slow-mo button on your TiVo, folks.  This is Chaz dancing at full speed.  The gay judge says, “It was like watching a little Ewok dancing with Princess Leia.”  The lady judge says that she could see him in pain.  The old judge says that he like his grit and determination but that “it was the quickstep and I move faster through the car wash.”  Chaz says he wants to stick around but this horse has a broken leg.  Time to put him down.

My score: *blows out knee*

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Jive
Tony spends most of the rehearsal time teaching Chynna left and right.  When she screws up she says “fudge.”  Eventually, she gets so frustrated she swears and says, “I’m just going to have to start cursing.  Sorry, Jesus, but I have to curse.”  Yes, because there’s a discernible difference in the intent behind “fudge” and “fuck.”

Chaz did his dance at half speed but Chynna is doing her dance half assed.  She’s trying to make up for it with her face.  The lady judge asks Chynna if she is injured because she danced scared.  The old judge says it was a “polite jive.”  The gay judge says that there’s a sexy siren that is trying to come out because the problem is always that it’s not sexy enough.  Brooke asks, “How’s your relationship with Tony?”  Chynna says, “It’s great.  I can’t express it in words.”  How about, “It’s great?”

My score: Do they let people drop out of fifth grade?

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Quickstep
She looks completely baffled the entire time she’s rehearsing.  Maybe she’s also trying to figure out who the hell she is.  Is she a real-life character from one of those serious comic strips?  When Tristan asks her to show him the dance, she just says “no” over and over and then refuses to dance.  He walks out.  For someone that nobody knows, she’s delightful.

Yikes.  Brown is not her color.  Also, her boob pops out of her dress and the camera cuts away to a large section of the crowd sitting motionless.  The old judge liked that they did a proper quickstep.  The gay judge liked it but probably because he saw her nipple.  The lady judge picks a fight with the old judge because she wants more razzmatazz.  Dancing With the Stars, where razzmatazz is a hot-button issue.

Also, fuck these super loud commercials.

My score: I know who she is!  She’s that lady who exposed her nipple on Dancing With the Stars.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Jive
No one will be using the phrase “burning up the dance floor” to describe his dancing, but not because he’s a bad dancer.  He’s worried that he’s the least well known of the contestants so he has to work harder.  He’s the underdog.  Right, because a wounded veteran needs to play the underdog card.

They use Instagram to shoot the beginning of their dance.  He is by far the best dancer.  It’s not even close.  He’s the only one that looks like he knows what he’s doing.  Can we just eliminate everyone but him and Ricki Lake and call it a season?  Seriously, the rest of the dancers should be ashamed.  He’s a better person and a better dancer.  The gay judge calls it the “most satisfying performance of the night.”  The lady judge is pissed that they did a lift but loved it otherwise.  The old judge didn’t like it because it was a Lindy Hop instead of a Jive.  Wow, someone pooped in his Cheerios this morning.  

My score: Seriously, let’s end this.
****

Monday, September 26, 2011

Thoughts About the Weekend

My child has definitely inherited daddy’s ability to create nasty farts.  However, she has taken it to the next level of toxicity.  I’m so proud.

I would be worried if I was a Steelers fan.  Your team was almost beaten by a Peyton Manning-less Colts team because your offensive line couldn’t stop Mathis and Freeney.  Plus, about seventeen of your offensive linemen went down with injuries last night.  Good luck avenging that Ravens beating you took in week one.

Well, well, well, Notre Dame.  I see you are back to your old let’s-gain-500-yards-and-turn-the-ball-over-in-critical-situations strategy.  It didn’t work this time.  You actually won.  I’ll see you next week.

Speaking of football, I had a strangely satisfying, yet completely weird conversation about this weekend’s games.  See it here.  

My dog is dumb enough to think that hiding only her face is good enough to keep me from seeing her, but she’s smart enough to know that it’s raining even though all the blinds are closed.  I don’t have a joke for this, just know that dogs are weird.

Brownies are delicious.

Dee and I got to go out for drinks with our friends on Saturday night.  She’s still good at looking sexy, everyone.

I know I’ve said this before, but watch the opening song to Sunday Night Football.  Faith Hill is the definition of awkward.

Google should not be allowed to run that Google Chrome commercial where the dad sets up an email account for his daughter and sends her messages while I’m gently rocking my daughter to sleep.  My crying wakes her up every time.
****

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Friday Roundup

So yesterday was a whole thing.  There was this guy on the phone and he was confused and he got all mad about it and then he was all, “Can someone resend me that document?”  I was all, “I hate you,” but the phone was on mute so he didn’t hear me.  Also, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
My daughter loves me.  Her clothes tell me so

Tuesday:
Dancing With the Stars is back and I’m back with my reviews. 

Thursday:
It was time to be funny but I just couldn’t find it. 

Tweet of the Week
Does anybody know of a good book that will tell me what to do and threaten with eternal torment if I don’t do it?
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archive
A brilliant video that reads one way forward and another backwards

Video of the Week
Bird mimic.


****

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Time To Be Funny

Okay, it’s another blog post which means that it’s time to be funny.  So let's see.  What should I be funny about?  We’re not watching commercials together so I can’t make fun of commercials.  I’m hilarious when I make fun of commercials.  Dee loves it when I do that.  She also kinda hates it.  I guess I could do the next best thing and rant about something, but I don't really feel like ranting.  Boy, this is going to be tough.  If I don't have a commercial handy then I'm probably not going to be funny.  All I have here is a computer with a mostly blank screen in front of me.  Sheesh.  I've got nothing to deal with here, people.  How do you expect me to be funny about an empty screen that I'm typing on?  I can't.  I can't do it.  Blank screens aren’t funny.  They might be mildly amusing in the sense that I could do a joke about writer’s block that we’ve all heard before, but that’s not my style.  You're asking me to pull funny from nothingness.  Nothingness is not funny.  Unless it’s the kind of nothingness that comes from humankind obliterating itself.  That shit is funny on so many levels, but it’s not what we’re dealing with here.  We’re just dealing with plain old blank page nothingness.  This nothingness didn’t come from a hilarious tragedy.  This nothingness is way too nothing to be funny.  There has to be something.  Even a little something.  Something can be funny but nothing will not be.  It's incredibly frustrating.  In fact, I think we can call this a failure.  I've typed several sentences already and none of them have been funny.  Not a one.  That's failure.  It's not like I'm working up to it anymore.  I've had that time.  I had plenty of ramp up time.  I should be fully ramped by now.  In fact, I should be off the ramp and onto the expressway of hilarity by this point.  I'm clearly not there.  Not by far.  In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm on the ramp yet.  I'm far from the ramp.  I'm still in the parking lot.  I haven't even gotten into the car yet.  It's really pretty fucking sad.  It's like I've forgotten my keys or something.  Yes, that is exactly it.  I completely forgot my keys and that's why I'm not being funny.  I can't even get to the point where I can ramp up.  It's sad and I've just wasted your time.  For that I apologize.  I am truly sorry.
****

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Premiere - A Review

It's safe to assume that the "Stars" in "Dancing With the Stars" now refers to the dance pros on the show.  They are easily more famous than each and every one of the stars this season.

Oh god.  Brooke Burke is back.  Why hasn’t she been fired yet?  She’s the only person worse at her job than Congress.  She’s now calling herself Brooke Burke Sharvey or something.  No one seems to care.  Everyone keeps calling her Brooke Burke.  Tom Bergeron is calling this cast the “most talked about cast ever.”  By whom?  I demand to know who was talking about these losers.  They need to be hunted down and locked in Canadian jail.

Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd — Cha Cha
Ron won an NBA championship with the Lakers but he’s best known for beating up fans in Detroit and ruining the best chance my Indiana Pacers ever had at winning a championship.  He will never be forgiven — especially now that he’s doing a bad Dennis Rodman impression.  His partner knows that she won’t be on the show long.

The costume department apparently can’t tell the difference between Ron and Dennis Rodman.  Thank you for completing his fantasy.  You know how old people lean forward when they walk because their backs hurt?  That’s how Ron dances.  After the only dance of the season, I’m confident that he will be going home first.  The old judge thought it was “all sizzle, no sausage.”  The gay judge used the phrase “length of bone.”  The lady judge said, “Now we know who the wild one is going to be.”  Really?  Did we not know he would be wild?  In the backstage interview, Ron wastes no time making creepy comments about Brooke Burke.  Are we sure this isn’t Dennis Rodman?

My score: I hate you, Ron Artest.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz
He’s a fucking Kardashian.  His job is to chase fame wherever it isn’t.  During practice, he keeps trying to put his partner in her place because “she’s his woman.”  Good to see that living with about fifteen women hasn’t taught him to respect them at all.  At one point he asks, “Do you feel like you’re with a man?”  She says, “I feel like I’m with a boy.”  He then stomps his feet and says, “Don’t say that!”

The gay judge thinks he’s stiff and scared.  The lady judge thinks he has potential, but she also has a crush on every male contestant.  At one point one of his 23 sisters shouts something from the audience because she can’t stand not being on camera.  The old judge was “not impressed but not depressed.”  Not one of his sisters could bother to tell him that his mustache makes him look like a pedophile?  Really?

My score: Kardouchian.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Cha Cha
The first thing she says is, “I’m not a bitch.”  If you have to say it…  She talks about her engagement and breakup with Jay Cutler but she doesn’t mention him by name.  It turns out she was on a TV show before she dated Cutler.  I thought she was famous because she dated a famous quarterback.  Go figure.  Mark spends the entire rehearsal time trying to get her to shake her ass.

I forgot.  This is the guy that always makes every routine about him.  They dress Kristin all sexy and he just kinda flails around her.  Also, her mouth is enormous.  Her mouth could swallow two Julia Roberts mouths.  The lady judge is excited by her potential.  The old judge is disappointed that she didn’t give the same energy for the performance as she did in the rehearsal clip.  The gay judge gets all sexy talky and then he actually gives her dancing notes.  Weird.

My score: Tony Romo is single.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz 
She’s married to Billy Baldwin?  Why would he marry a professional wrestler?  Wait, she’s a singer?  Who?  She was in a band with a beach ball?  What?  Are we sure she’s not that professional wrestler?  When I Googled her the Internet laughed at me.  The only interesting part of her rehearsal is when she kicks her partner in the nuts.  She looks awful in rehearsal so she’ll absolutely nail this.

It is boring as hell, so she totally nailed it.  The old judge said it wasn’t the best dance he’s ever seen but it’s real close.  The gay judge loved it and then babbled in his own personal language.  The lady judge got a lady boner.  Instead of talking to Chynna and Tony, Brooke spends most of the interview promoting tomorrow’s show.

My score: I’ll be on the show next season.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Cha Cha
She’s that southern lady who cooks everything in butter, right?  No?  Is she the lady from Chicago’s channel 5 News, Allison Rosati?  No?  I don’t think I’d recognize Rosati without shoulder pads.  Is she Drew Barrymore?  No?  I have no idea who this person is supposed to be.  Tristan is Irish and Nancy pretends to not understand what he means when he says, “Not the second but the third.”  In his brogue, “third” comes out like “turd.”  Xenophobic much, Nancy?

The gay judge wastes no time making a comment about her boobs.  He says that she’s got the moves but doesn’t believe in herself.  The lady judge picks on her for forgetting her choreography.  The old judge says it was “underwhelming.”  I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she is.

My score: Delta Burke?  Is she Delta Burke?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson —  Viennese Waltz
I know this guy!  He was married to David Schwimmer, right?  He talks about being sober and how he’s “really into being present.”  Yes, I’m also really into existence.  He says, “I’m going to do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz.”  Why not just do the Viennese Waltz?  

They dance to Queen.  Kym looks great but she’s way too covered up.  The lady judge says he got lost in the dance.  She really likes him (surprise!) and tells him to relax a little.  The old judge likes that they went straight into the dance with “no mucking around at the beginning.”  The gay judge compares dancing to acting and does it without saying something sexual.  Brooke asks him, “What does little Coco think of you being on this show?”  The better question is: Why did you name your child after a monkey?

My score: I’m naming my next child Grape Ape.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Elisabetta is famous for dating George Clooney.  She says, “Dancing With the Stars is a dream come true, to work in the U.S.”  Getting a job in the U.S. is many people’s dream right now.  Val is Maks little brother so there’s going to be an annoying subplot that Brooke can harp on all season.  They rehearsal clip focuses exclusively on Elisabetta’s hips.  Her sexy, sexy hips.

They dance to a Katy Perry song.  You know, one of the litany of terrible ones.  They start the dance in a bed which the old judge is going to hate.  You know how you see those 5 year old pageant girls that try to do adult dance moves?  That’s how Elisabetta dances.  The old judge hates everything about it.  The gay judge says, “You’re very good in bed, Elisabetta and you’re very good when handled by a man.”  The lady judge thought she was good when dancing with her partner but awful by herself.  I’m sure those comments won’t prey on her daddy issues at all.

My score: Ladies, men are the only thing that give you worth.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz
I know her, too!  She’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team.  They spend the entire rehearsal clip trying to make her look “girly.”  Eff that.  She’s sexy.  Athletes are sexy — especially soccer players.  I had a crush on the entire women’s soccer team when I was in college.  They’re going to keep making jokes about how strong she is, aren’t they?  As a daughter having parent, this makes me angry.

She’s a little stiff, but so am I.  The gay judge likes her musicality but tells her she needs to work on her something.  I can barely understand him.  Xenophobic much, Jeff?  The lady judge is impressed by “the body contact.”  What?  Things keep getting sexier.  The old judge likes what he saw and she just needs to be a little more fluid.  The gay judge hits on her partner.

My score: Will you be my second wife?

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Cha Cha
I would say that they are trying to make him seem even gayer than he already is but I don’t think that’s possible.  I hope he’s a good dancer because he’ll be the only interesting character on this show.  Though, we don’t need to see him shout for more glitter anymore.  So help me, that better not become the “punch for America” quote of this show.

Remember that awful brown everyone wore in the ‘70s?  That’s what they are both wearing.  The lady judge says that it’s her favorite dance of the night but that he wasn’t technically sound.  The old man says there were elements of swagger and stagger but that it was fun.  The gay judge says it’s “full out outrageous fun.”  Brook asks Carson an awful question and he pulls her out of the fire by giving a fantastic answer.  He’s just good enough to keep Brooke from getting fired.

My score: Two glitter cannons.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz
J.R. Is an actor on a soap opera and a war veteran who was badly burned in Iraq.  Whether he’s good or not, he’s going to be around for a while.  There isn’t an American that casts a vote for this show that won’t throw one the way of a wounded and disfigured vet.  Like most people who have been through something horrible, he’s relentlessly positive which makes us all feel stupid for bitching about our boring jobs.

He’s pretty good.  The old judge says it was just right and he was right up there with the best performances of the night.  The gay judges loves his hips but he needs a little bit of polish.  The lady judge says she was touched and she likes his confidence.  It takes confidence to pull off a burnt face every single day of your life.  Brooke asks, “Did you ever imagine when you were in Iraq that you’d end up in a ballroom dancing here?”  He responds with, “Yes, of course.”  I like this guy for calling out a stupid, stupid question.

My score: +1 for the Burke smack.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz
She was inspired to do this by Kirstie Alley.  They are drinking buddies, right?  I suddenly can’t imagine that Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley don’t hang out all the time.  I’m pretty sure they are roommates.  She is this season’s Kirstie Alley.

Have you ever taken Pepto Bismol and then thrown it up later?  That’s the color of the dress she’s wearing.  The gay judge and lady judge love her dance.  The old judge decides to get “picky, Ricki” but he likes it overall.

My score: Next week she loses her shoe.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Cha Cha
He explains what transgender means to everyone.  If you don’t know, I hate you.  He works hard and struggles a bit with his weight and because he’s older but mostly he’s just boring.

Chaz is transgender but his partner looks like a transvestite.  Between the über-blond hair and really overdone spray tan, she looks ridiculous.  The lady judge loves it and thought he had great energy.  The old judge liked his energy, too.  That’s what they say when they don’t like it but are afraid to critique you, right?  The gay judge says that he was cuddly and cute.

My score: Boring.

****

Monday, September 19, 2011

She Loves Me

This is the multi-layered outfit that Dee dressed Scarlett in the other day:

Daddy loves me.
Daddy does love her.

I love daddy.
And she loves Daddy.

Everything in this post is true.
****

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Friday Roundup

How about those mold and pollen counts?  Through the roof, huh?  Gesundheit.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I wrote about the pain of football

Tuesday:
My review of the Finale of The Bachelor Pad

Thursday:
I shared with you my super secret 750words.com entry from Wednesday

Tweet of the Week
From Alex Baze
If you vote against Obama because he can’t get stuff done, it’s kinda like saying, “this guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.”
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archive
My dog found my computer unattended and decided to write something for all of you

Video of the Week
Drive safely, everyone.  Or not.



****

Thursday, September 15, 2011

750 Words

Every day I write at least 750 words.  In fact, there is a site called 750words.com that I use for this purpose.  It's usually just stream of consciousness stuff and the point is to just write.  Once you know that you can hammer out 750 words every single day no matter how stuck you're feeling, Writer's Block becomes a thing of the past.

Anyway, I've decided to include my unedited 750 words entry from yesterday for your enjoyment.  I thought it was strange and fun and interesting--which isn't always the case with these posts.  Enjoy.

---

Again, I have to write for real.  Thankfully, no one will ever read this.  Unless they do and then they are reading this right now.  

Ugh.  I just sneezed oatmeal across my office.  Gross.  I think I have more oatmeal than I can eat this morning.  

Anyway, you're reading this right now.  I'm not sure how you came across this but no matter what, you've found some way to hack into these posts.  You've either figured out my password--which is undoubtedly something different than it was when I was writing this--or you've hacked into the 750 words servers.  Either way, you've found something that is supposed to be private.  I don't want you to feel guilty, though.  I don't really care.  There's nothing here that I need to hide.  All of the good stuff that I really need to hide is kept locked away in my brain where no one will ever get to it.  Unless they have developed some kind of technology that can pull data from your brain in your future and you still have my brain lying around.  My plan is to be cremated, though, so you may not have anything to work with.  Anyway, all the good stuff is up there.  Like the secret location of the million plus dollars I have stashed away from that bank heist I pulled off back in the '80s.  And how I disposed of the bodies from my murder spree in Oshkosh, WI in the '90s.  See, nobody knows about any of that stuff.  There are some other things, but they are even worse.  Not rape.  I've never raped nor molested anyone, nothing like that.  Mostly it's soul stealing kind of shit.  You know, Black Magic.  Crazy, crazy stuff.  Anyway, that stuff is locked up in my brain and you'll never get it, Person Who Is Reading This.  Also, I've had impure thoughts about women.  Very impure.  So there's that too, but you'll never know.  I bet you totally want to know, don't you?

Today is my brother's birthday.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I've done some really terrible things.  I mean bank theft?  Murder?  Those are pretty bad.  I mean, the money in that bank in San Francisco belonged to a bunch of nice San Franciscans, I'm sure.  Some of them probably weren't so nice, but that's the way the world is, isn't it?  Those people probably lost their money.  Or maybe they didn't because it's all sorts of FDIC insured and whatever.  Regardless, it wasn't very nice of me to do that.  I should probably find their names, addresses and Social Security numbers and send them personalized apology notes that I paid for with their money.  That would certainly make me feel better.  I can't really do that for the over 300 people I killed in Oshkosh.  I suppose I could order flowers for their gravestones.  Or maybe I could send notes to their families expressing my condolences.  That one is a little tougher to apologize for.  Plus, most of them were homeless so they don't have an address or a listed next of kin or anything and they probably don't even have gravestones.  What if they wanted to be cremated?  Do I buy flowers for their urn?  Do they put the flowers in the urn so they stick out the top?  Or stickers?  I bet you buy condolence stickers for the urn, right?  I bet they don't call them stickers, though.  I bet they call them something like "Memorial Decals" or "Remembrance Adhesives."  That's what I would call them.  I bet they have little Virgin Marys and Jesuses and probably some Stars of David.  Wait, is it against Jewish law to be cremated?  I feel like it is.  I don't know.  I'll have to look that up.  I wonder if any of those homeless people I killed were Jewish.  I sure do hope not.  I can handle being a murderer, but I don't want to be known as anti-Semitic.  That would truly be horrible. 

So that's the plan.  Apology notes, flowers and urn stickers for everyone.  Boy, I sure am glad I wrote my 750 words today.  This has really been therapeutic.  I think I've made a lot of progress with myself today.  I guess this really does serve a purpose, doesn't it?  Who knew that this little site could heal?  I certainly feel much better now than I did before I started writing what with all the bank robbing and murder spreeing weighing heavily on my mind.  Now that I've decided to make amends, I feel much better already.    

---

In case you're incredibly thick--or a law enforcement officer of any kind--I've never robbed a bank or murdered anyone.  Just wanted to make that clear.  Have a nice day.

****

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Bachelor Pad Finale - A Review


Can you believe it’s coming to an end?  How will we survive without Michael’s whining and misplaced rage?  How will we feel better about ourselves when we can’t see Vienna be a raging psychopath?  What will we do?  Oh, that’s right.  Dancing With People starts next week.

This week our crew of whiny brats will be heading to Las Vegas for their final challenge.

The Challenge — Cirque du Soleil 
They walk into a huge theater and the stage floor rotates to create a giant wall on the stage.  Seems like they could have just built a wall, but what do I know about production values?  Chris Harrison magically appears from the mist to tell them that for the final challenge they will be suspended on the wall over 100 feet in the air.  They have to learn a Cirque du Soleil routine and perform it on the wall.  The top couple gets a spot in the finals, the last place group goes home.  There will be judges who decide the competition.  Everyone is freaking out.

Their routine is one minute long.  50 seconds are already choreographed and they have to improvise for 10 seconds of the routine.  Kasey and Vienna immediately start fighting about their 10 seconds.  Holly and Michael are just awkward.  Graham is very afraid of heights but Michelle claims she’s not nervous even though she gets sick to her stomach.  Ella is completely freaked out to the point where I’m not sure if she’s going to do it or not.  

Guess what?  Michael is being a whiny little bitch.  

Guess what else?  Watching everyone practice their routines is boring as shit.  Everyone stays up all night to practice except Kasey and Vienna who snooze the night away in bed.  Did someone forget to tell them the story of the tortoise and hare as children?

The judges are all previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes.  Trista, Jason and Alli.  Not sure what their qualifications are, but whatever.

Graham and Michelle go first.  They kiss before they get onto the wall.  For their improvised section they lock hands and do and arm wave, then they do a weird handshake while they dangle in the air.  They do it all very, very slowly.  It’s pretty terrible.  

Kirk and Ella are completely out of sync and it’s clear they are trying to get through it as quickly as possible.  Ella looks lost.  They’re even worse than Graham and Michelle.

Surprise, surprise, Kasey is confident even though he’s never won a challenge.  He says, “I’m a survivor, a dreamer, a believer.”  Where does he get this shit?  Unfortunately, they are actually really good.  They zoom up to the top and then Vienna elbows Kasey and he falls.  How apropos.  

Holly and Michael are also very good.  At the top, Michael falls and Holly chases after him.  Then Michael does some spins and cartwheels.  The judges are gushing.

Holly and Michael are declared the winners.  They have secured their spot in the final and they get to choose the couple that will join them in the final four.  Kirk and Ella are the losers and they are immediately sent home.  Ella breaks down.  She apologizes over and over to Kirk.  Her dream of not working for the money to buy a home for her child has been shattered.  

Back at the House
Holly and Michael have to choose between Kasey and Vienna and Graham and Michelle.  They decide to talk to Kasey and Vienna first.  Kasey tries to convince them that Holly and Michael will definitely win if they choose them.  As soon as Holly and Michael leave, Vienna starts berating Kasey for talking too much.  Kasey doesn’t say a word and just walks off to have a beer alone.  When Vienna finds him he says, “I don’t want to hear anything you say.  It’s all negative.”  She thinks that she knows exactly how to play Holly and Michael and that Kasey screwed it up.  Because she never screws anything up — except for her entire life.

Holly and Michael then go to talk to Graham and Michelle.  Michael tells them that they think that they would win if they were in the finals with Kasey and Vienna and they think they would lose if they were in the final with Graham and Michelle.  Graham gets pissed and says that, “It’s not about money.”  No, this is definitely about money, dumbass.  He feels betrayed by Michael because he thought they were bros.  Then he gets all loud and shouty and Michelle has to talk him down.  

The Rose Ceremony
Holly and Michael give a long meaningless speech about selfishness and selflessness.  Annoying as shit.  It would have been much better if Michael had just cried the whole time.  They choose Graham and Michelle to go to the finals because they are the closest to Holly and Michael.  It took the entire show for someone to get smart and send Kasey and Vienna home.  Vienna breaks down in the car and says to Kasey, “You’re the reason we’re here right now.  I’m really upset because my perfect rose record was broken.”  Kasey calls Holly and Michael selfish.  At least they can feel good that they handled everything with class.

The Finale Show
Brace yourselves for two hours of reliving the entire season.

When Chris introduces each of the cast members, the audience cheers loudly for everyone but Kasey and Vienna.  They even cheer for Jake.  Jackie announces that she and Ames are not together and she doesn’t know why they didn’t work.  Ames just didn’t feel it and it’s clear he feels terrible about it.  He won’t even look at Jackie.  Jackie admits that she couldn’t get out of bed for a week.  Time to see someone, girl.  That’s depression.  Isn’t it perfect, though?  It’s exactly how every Bachelor/ette relationship ends.  

When asked about Kasey and Vienna, Gia says that Kasey formed an alliance that couldn’t be broken.  William calls out Kasey and Vienna for being a fake “power couple” because they never won a competition.  Jake reiterates that he just wanted closure, not the money.  Vienna claims that there was closure and that it was behind her, but Chris calls her out for not being nicer to Jake.  When she says she was nice to Jake the audience laughs.  Chris piles on by saying that she worked really hard to poison everyone else on Jake.  Kirk said that people would have been more willing to take her side if she had admitted that she might have had a little to do with the breakup as well.  The audience cheers.  Vienna pouts.  I put a gun in my mouth.

When Jake takes the hot seat, we’re treated to clips of him trying to be nice to Vienna and Vienna being awful to him.  What would a Bachelor Pad be without seeing Kasey’s Punch for America quote?  The studio is silent after the clips.  Jake apologizes again to Vienna for losing his cool with her on the breakup special.  Vienna tries to convince everyone that they didn’t fight the whole time and she makes some strange statement about how they played charades and Jake fell off a chair, then she laughs.  Crickets.  She claims that we didn’t see the majority of the time in the house when it was not hostile.  Erica says that it was hostile.  You get it, right?  She’s completely delusional.  When Jake calls out Kasey for the “punch for America,” Kasey immediately apologizes for mistreating him and being a jerk.  Jake and Kasey shake hands and hug.  Vienna pouts and tries to kill Kasey with her eyes.

It’s Kasey’s turn in the hot seat.  Chris calls him the “ringleader.”  Kasey’s clip package is all shots of him being cocky and an asshole and everyone talking about how terrible he and Vienna are for each other.  Kasey looks genuinely upset after watching the clips.  In response to Justin calling him Kermit and Vienna Miss Piggy, he admits that he has a speech impediment and that’s why he talks funny.  He still sounds like Kermit.  He apologizes for being an ass on the show.  He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to have the relationship that he saw on the show.  Chris asks Vienna what it’s like to see this and she blames it on being a woman.  Really?  Most women I know aren’t batshit crazy.  She says, “It’s not easy to have America seeing this and judging you,” while Jake nods his head vigorously.  William tells Kasey that if they were friends, he would tell them that they do not have a healthy relationship.  Unfortunately, William has no friends.

Blake takes the hot seat and Chris immediately begins discussing the situation with Melissa.  Instead of just apologizing he gives some lame excuse and tries to justify the whole thing.  For the record, I don’t think he needs to apologize but it would serve to make Melissa look even more crazy which I’m all for.  Melissa claims that she would have been fine with just being partners and not a couple.  She claims that her reaction to his date with Holly did not involve any jealousy at all but that she was pissed about the game.  Everyone rolls their eyes.  Chris gives Blake a chance to gush about Holly for a while and he says that she’s going to move to South Carolina to be with him.  They cut to a clip of him proposing to Holly.  She says yes.  The crowd goes wild.  Jackie looks pissed and disgusted.  Melissa looks surprisingly happy.  I hope someone checked her for knives.

The Final Four Contestants — Graham and Michelle, Michael and Holly
Michael doesn’t know that Blake and Holly are engaged.  This is the first thing Chris brings it up.  Holly tells him.  Michael looks shocked and says, “Right here?”  He fumbles around and asks for a commercial break.  He calls out Blake for not letting him know.  Really?  That’s Blake’s fault?  He’s pissed and very passive-aggressive with his congratulations.  He’s clearly shocked and surprised and I don’t feel sorry for him at all.  Not one bit.  Maybe he’ll finally end it.  His life, I mean.

Graham and Michelle spend the whole time talking about her dead dad.  They’re working hard for the sympathy vote.  Graham is sporting a bow tie.  That’s why I’d vote for him.

Chris gives the cast a chance to ask some final questions of the couples.  Justin asks Holly what she added to the partnership since Michael won all the challenges.  Michael answers for her and says that she stuck by him through the whole thing and nailed the wall challenge.  Erica says that she likes what Graham and Michelle plan to do with the money but she thought that Michael earned it by actually winning challenges. 

Blake calls out Graham and Michelle’s “no drama” policy by saying, “Your strategy was to leave the room.  Do you think that earns you the victory?”  Graham flat out tells him, “I’m not a big fan of yours. But that was our strategy and I’m not even going to try to sway you.”  Wait, why does Graham hate Blake?  Seriously, I really don’t get it.  Kasey asks both couples why they think they deserve the money more than the other.  They refuse to answer and just say that they are lucky to be there.  You’re not running for office.  Answer the damn question.

The couples need eight votes to move on to the next round.  The votes:
Jake — Holly and Michael
Vienna — Michelle and Graham
Kasey — Michelle and Graham
Blake — Holly and Michael 
Erica — Holly and Michael
Melissa — Michelle and Graham
William — Michelle and Graham
Jackie — Holly and Michael
Ames — Holly and Michael
Justin — Holly and Michael
Ella — Holly and Michael
Gia — Holly and Michael

Now it’s between Holly and Michael for the $250,000.  They are sent to two different rooms.  Each room has a “Keep” and “Share” sign.  If they both choose Share, they split the money.  If one chooses share and one chooses keep, the person who chooses keep gets all the money.  If they both choose keep, the rest of the cast splits the money.  Chris asks the cast what they think and it’s the biggest fucking waste of time all season.  That’s saying a lot.  Holly and Michael are escorted back on stage like they are prisoners.  Chris asks Michael, “Can you trust Holly?” Michael says, “Yeah, that’s the really big question.”  Holly chooses share because she always makes the easy choice.  Michael could redeem himself in my eyes if he chooses keep but instead he chooses share because he somehow thinks that he might still win her over.  Michael just helped Holly and Blake pay for their wedding.

They spend the next fifteen minutes announcing the new Bachelor.  I couldn’t give a shit.  I’ve got the worst television show in America to focus on, Dancing with People.









Monday, September 12, 2011

The Pain of Football

Thank God it's finally football season.  Fuck me it's finally football season.  

I think you know what I mean.  In case you missed it, the Fighting Irish lost to Michigan 35-31 on a last second miracle touchdown after leading 24-7 at the beginning of the fourth quarter.  The very next day, the Peyton Manning-less Colts got whipped 34-7 by the Houston Texans.  A bad football weekend for me.  Heartbreaking, even.

Have you ever been dumped before?  I mean really dumped.  You were in love and you thought that maybe this person was "the one."  Suddenly, he or she shows up and says, "It's over."  Your world crumbles around you, you drink more than you should and you are just broken.  It takes you months to recover and you wonder if you will ever love again.  

Time passes.  The hurt has slowly faded until it's barely perceptible, but the memory of it is still there.  You start testing the waters and trying to get back into the game.  You slowly begin to realize that you learned more about yourself from the breakup than you had while you were with your partner.  In fact, you now understand that the only reason you felt such terrible pain was because you also experienced such fantastic joy when you were with that person.  You've come away with the knowledge that in a relationship you can only experience joy if you are willing to allow yourself to experience the same amount of pain.  You've experienced that pain and you survived, so you decide to let go.  You know what happens?  You find something awesome.  You find someone that makes you happier than anyone ever has before, but you know deep down that this person can also hurt you more than anyone ever has before.  But you're okay with that.  You know you'll survive and you know the power of your potential happiness is worth way more than a few months of pain.  

You know that feeling?  Yeah.  That's why I'll take that horrible feeling I have from Saturday night through right now.  Notre Dame's loss was brutal.  I can't really imagine a much tougher way to lose a football game.  It honestly effected my mood, but I know that the hurt I felt will be eclipsed by the joy that I feel when this team finally puts it all together.  Maybe not this year, but sometime they'll put it together and when they do it will be awesome.

The Colts?  Well, they’re fucked.  At least I got to celebrate a Super Bowl.

****

Friday, September 09, 2011

Don't Mess with Texas Football? Too Late.

For those of you who don’t follow college football, there is a big hoohah going on right now over Texas A&M.  They want to leave their current conference, The Big 12, to join the SEC.  Basically, they’re pissed that Texas (the University of) got their own TV network so they want to take their ball and go to someone else’s home.  There’s a good chance that Texas A&M’s exit from the Big 12 may mean the end of the conference because the other top teams may look for other conferences to join as well.

Anyway, Baylor — who is one of the traditionally worst football teams in the conference — has created an unintentionally hilarious website in reaction to this whole thing.

You can see it below.



My favorite part is the bullet points.  They all begin with “Will Texans…” Will they “stand by,” will they “sit and watch?”  Yes, they will do exactly that.  Why?  Because these universities will do whatever the hell they want, and because your little “Take a Stand Now” link goes to a page that tells them to write to the presidents of the other Texas schools.  This is the Internet, people don’t want to have to click more than twice to do anything.  Nice try.  You’d do better to set up a search and grab all of the angry tweets.

Let’s pick it apart a little more:
“Will Texans stand by and watch hundred-year-old rivalries be cast aside as the state’s largest universities align themselves with other states across the country?” and “Will Texans sit and watch as Texas’ flagship universities pledge their loyalties to other states?”
These Texas schools (Texas A&M, Texas, Texas Tech) are already aligned with other states across the country.  They are in the Big 12 with Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State.  Last time I checked Iowa, Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma are still states.  States that Texas’ flagship universities have aligned themselves with.
“Will Texans stand by as our most promising student athletes are lured out of Texas by new rivals?”
As opposed to your old rivals who have large numbers of Texans on their rosters?  Like Oklahoma with 58 Texans or Oklahoma St. With 67 Texans or Missouri and Kansas with 37 Texans or Iowa St. with 23 Texans or Kansas St. With 18 Texans?  But it’s the devil you know, isn’t it Baylor?
“Will Texans watch as our most precious resources—the great minds of the next generation—are exported to new conference institutions?”
Do you include Vince Young as one of the “great minds” who is one of Texas’ “most precious resources?”  Are you really calling your football players the “great minds of the next generation?”  I’m sure some of them are but only if they immediately stop killing brain cells by smashing into one another.

Don’t mess with Texas football?  When Baylor is waving that flag, Texas football is already screwed.

Also, Texas, get over yourself.

****

The Friday Roundup

It’s officially full-on football season.  College and the NFL have both kicked off.  Everything is right with the world.  Also, here’s the Friday Roundup.  Also, also, stay tuned for another post later this afternoon.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I shared my thoughts on Notre Dame’s stormy opening loss to USF

Tuesday:
My review of this week’s episode of The Bachelor Pad

Tweets of the Week
From Sean Kelley
Every time someone tells me they ordered a chocolate cake shake from Portillo’s, I think “IT’S TOO LATE! WALL-E IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!”
See it here

From Danny Zuker
To people who are afraid to fly: Statistically you are more likely to be executed by Rick Perry than die in a plane crash.
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archives
A story about me, The Tonight Show and getting busted by my Dad.

Video of the Week
PB&J from my good buddies Tim and Micah.


pb&j from tim and micah project on Vimeo.

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Tuesday, September 06, 2011

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

The folks at the Bachelor Pad have decided that we give a shit about Michael and Holly so get ready for a big dose of the whiniest man on the planet.  Has no one ever told him that loving someone does not entitle you to be with that person?  Hold on to your seats.  You’re about to fall off of them from boredom.

Blake is relieved that Melissa is gone and he wants to end up with Holly.  They are all about to go to bed when Chris comes in and tells them that they will be competing as a couple from this point forward and that it would be wise to get to know each other.  Holly wants to be Blake’s partner but she’s sticking with Michael because she made him a promise.  Blake and Erica end up as partners.  Erica thinks this is the best thing for him, because she thinks she’s way smarter and way prettier than Holly.  I’m not sure where in the world this would be true.

While the couples try to learn as much as possible about each other, Kasey and Vienna go straight to bed because they are confident they will win.  Famous last naps.

The Challenge — The Nearlywed Game
It’s exactly like the Newlywed Game only with a lot more douche.  The winners get a rose and a date, the second place couple also gets a date.

Blake and Erica get off to a fast start and they are tied for the lead with Michelle and Graham.  Kasey and Vienna are comically bad.  When Chris asks, “What feature do your exes miss the most,” Vienna gave the answer of “boobs” but Kasey answered “teeth.”  Teeth?  They’re being terrible on purpose, right?

When people are asked anything negative, they all answer Blake.  I’m still not entirely clear what horrible thing he has done to each of them.  I understand why Michael has a beef even though I don’t think it’s legitimate.  The rest of them?  I don’t get it.  

When Erica is asked who Blake would sleep with if he could sleep with anyone else in the house, she correctly responds, “Holly.”  We get the obligatory shot of Michael pouting.  Holly is asked the same question and she answers, “Blake.”  Michael guesses himself because he’s a fucking psychopath.  

When the couples are asked how old they were when they lost their virginity and Graham answers 7 and Michelle guesses correctly, everyone realizes that Graham and Michelle worked out a system.  Any questions that require a number they answer 7.  Any questions that require a non-gender specific cast member, they answer Michael.  Any questions that require a girl cast member, they answer Holly.  Even with this plan, Michelle still screws it up but they still win because Erica is confused by a very simple question.

Graham and Michelle win the roses.  Blake and Erica win a date.

Blake is resigned to the fact that he’s going home and he’s decided to just have fun.  Holly immediately begins flirting with him.  When Erica asks Michael if it bugs him he says, “He’s not a good dude.”  Erica tries to explain to him that his anger is misplaced because “it takes two to tango.”  Yet, Michael is still pissed at Blake and not at all at Holly because of some kind of “Guy Code.”

A quick note on “The Guy Code.”  It’s bullshit.  The people who adhere to it have no idea what life is like with a wife you love and enjoy.  It also assumes that men are the only people who make decisions about who can love who.  If you invoke “The Guy Code” you are a retarded fool who knows nothing about how life works.

Graham and Michelle’s Date
Michelle and Graham’s date starts with Helicopter.  Oh, Helicopter.  It’s good to see you again.  I know you’ve moved on, but it’s still nice to see you.  I wish you all the happiness in the world.  Do me a favor, if Michael climbs in you, crash.  Thanks.

Helicopter lands on the roof of a building in downtown L.A.  They are suddenly transported to a gigantic hot tub where they will be screening the movie What’s Your Number.  For us, the date turns into a promo for the movie.  When the strip HORSE scene happens in the movie, Michelle and Graham make out.  They are both totally in love, or at least in boner and lady boner.

Back in the House…
Kasey and Vienna begin fighting because he ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him.  Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.  During the fight, he tells the cameras that she’s completely different in front of the cameras.  Eventually he talks her into some hate cuddling.

Everyone talks trash about Blake while he’s on his date.  Holly sits silently and wishes she was wearing cuter shoes.

Michael steals Holly away for another sad, pitiful moment.  I get that you have to go after what you want, but she’s shot you down every single time.  At some point this becomes assault.

Holly talks with Ella about Blake and Michael.  She tells Ella about how Michael just walked away when she loved him the most.  She talks about how great her date was with Blake.  These are all things we all know.  This show things we’re all stupid.

Blake and Erica’s Date
Their date card reads, “Your mission is romance.”  Holly is jealous and Erica is upset that Blake is flirting with Holly.  Everyone is miserable!  Yay!  Erica makes everyone leave so she can tell Blake that she’s not happy with their situation.  She tries to win him over to her side by getting him to agree to try to send Michael home.  Her true plan is to seduce Blake on the date.  For someone who professes to be smart, she has an unreasonable understanding of her beauty and seductive powers.

She puts on her tiara and grabs her sexy lingerie and does not hide her plans to sleep with him.  Before the date, Holly parades around in a bikini to remind Blake of what he’s missing.  

Blake and Erica go to the Mission Inn.  While exploring the catacombs Erica mentions to Blake that she converses with her dead friends and that she has an astrologer.  You know, for credibility reasons.  Blake just looks awkward the whole time.  

When they sit down for dinner there are two roses on the table.  Erica and Blake are to award another couple with the roses to save them from elimination.  They can’t save themselves.  Instead of talking strategy, Erica immediately begins trying to seduce Blake.  She reaches down for his crotch and he pushes her away.  He tries to turn her down as nicely as he can but she’s not having it.  She continues to try to get him to sleep with her and even mentions that she brought “very sexy lingerie.”  I’m not sure why he continues to be nice at this point.  When is he going to realize that she’s his partner and that her fate is tied to his?  He doesn’t have to make friends.  If she tries to screw him, she screws herself.  When Blake finally tells her she’s full of shit, she says, “You’re worried about your reputation and that’s fucked up.”  She’s pissed because he won’t sleep with her.  Did she really think she had a chance?

After the Dates
The next morning Erica acts like nothing happened (which it didn’t, technically) and they decide to move past it.  They approach Ella and Kirk about the roses in the hopes of making a deal to stay in the house.  Blake is hoping Kirk can convince Graham and Michelle to keep them in the house.  When they approach Vienna and Kasey, Kasey immediately tells them to give them the roses because it’s the only way to be safe.  He promises that Graham and Michelle will vote with them.  They buy Kasey’s story and give the roses to Kasey and Vienna because they want to go home.  Yes, let’s give the roses to the least trustworthy people in the house and expect them to keep you around.

Ella breaks down.  Kasey and Vienna gloat.  Kasey immediately wonders if he still wants to help Blake and Erica.  Ella cries to the camera, “I’m trying to raise a nine year old by myself.”  Really?  Who is he with right now?  Is he raising himself?

Chris announces that the women will cast the actual votes once the couples make their decision.  

Michael wants Blake gone and goes to Graham to convince him to vote out Blake and Erica.  They agree.  Kasey and Vienna try to use their influence to convince Graham and Michelle to vote for Kirk and Ella but Graham and Michelle won’t budge.  They blindly hate Blake as much as everyone else.  After all the pointless scheming, it comes down to Holly.  Everyone has cast their votes and Holly has the power to save Blake.  Michael tells her that it is completely up to her, but in a “I may cut both of our throats if you don’t vote Blake out” way.

Holly breaks down.  She doesn’t want to hurt Michael, but she doesn’t want to lose Blake, either.  If she sends Blake home, Michael will think that she loves him again.  Time to put the hammer down on that, Holly.  Crush Michael’s heart once and for all.  Please.  He needs to be crushed.  

The Rose Ceremony
Holly decides to send Blake home.  Blake is not terribly disappointed to be going home, he’s most upset about leaving Holly.  Before he leaves, Holly gives him a note that reads, “This isn’t the end for us.”  Kasey and Vienna, Kirk and Ella, Graham and Michelle and Michael and Holly remain.  
Next week is the season finale.  I can only assume it will be about six hours long.  Ugh.

****

Monday, September 05, 2011

Thoughts on Notre Dame

I know that most of you aren’t all that interested about football, so I figured I’d sneak a football post in on Labor Day when most of you will be away from your computers.

I went to the Notre Dame-USF game on Saturday and endured 91º heat and two major lightning storms that necessitated two different stadium evacuations.  Here are a few things I learned from the experience.

  • People will tolerate one storm delay.  In fact, they’ll even make the best of it.  Add on a second one and people start getting pissed — especially when their team is losing to a team they should be killing.
  • Notre Dame fans are out of practice.  They haven’t had to root for a really good team since about 1993 so they’ve forgotten the finer points.  The crowd is about 20 seconds behind and often needs prompting from the scoreboard screen.  They get loud after the opposing team is already at the line, not when they're calling the play in the huddle.  Every team has a silent snap count they can use, they don’t all have a good way to call the play when it’s noisy.  If the crowd gets loud for a 3rd and 1 and the defense gives it up, they pout for the next three plays instead of cheering the defense on to a big play on first down.  Maybe that’s because the frustration level is so high with all the recent losing, but the fans in the stadium are there to help the team by getting loud at the right times.  No pouting allowed.
  • I think the crowd was actually louder after the first delay when there were only about 65,000 as compared to the 81,000 before.  My buddy speculated that everyone might be a little more comfortable and willing to cheer in a less crowded stadium.
  • I really, really hope that T.J. Jones and Theo Riddick dropped all those balls because of first game jitters, not because they don't have good hands.  On the drive home, the ND radio announcers called Theo Riddick’s drops “uncharacteristic.”  When a dude drops three passes and two punts in one game, it seems that drops are completely part of his character.
  • Cierre Wood is a stud and we really can't afford for him to get hurt.  He and Rees were the major bright spots on the Notre Dame offense.  Floyd too, but we expected that.
  • Dayne Crist is done a Notre Dame.  Once he got pulled and Rees got the offense moving, he lost the job forever.  I even think he lost the backup job.  When Rees took a big hit, the freshman Everett Golson got his helmet on, not Crist.  If Crist, who is a senior, isn’t the starter then he has to sit.  They need to work on their quarterbacks of the future.  It’s pretty amazing that it took him one half to go from first string to fourth string.
  • The refs seemed as rusty as Notre Dame's offense.  From where I was sitting (northwest corner of the stadium) they were wildly inconsistent on their calls.  Especially the late hits out of bounds.  Floyd got pulled down from behind while three yards out of bounds and there was no flag, but a USF dude had one foot out of bounds and there were flags all over the place.  Plus, there should have been a pass interference call on Crist’s interception in the end zone.  However, it was still a bad throw.
  • Notre Dame’s defense is good.  They kept the Irish in the ballgame.  They gave up one big play (18 yards).  Everything else was contained.  I would have liked to see a turnover, but they were facing a veteran QB and a smart coach who was playing it safe with the lead.  Bob Diaco (the defensive coordinator) dialed up a couple interesting packages where he replaced his defensive linemen with linebackers and ends.  It had USF confused.
  • If the Irish offense can eliminate the turnovers and mental mistakes, this will be a very good football team.  Too bad they had to have a game like this to start the season.
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Friday, September 02, 2011

The Friday Roundup

You know those people who always make everything look so easy?  I’m one of those people that make screwing up look easy.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
The Internet seems to think I’m and expert on tea

Tuesday:
Another review of the Bachelor Pad.  Rife with whiny dudes. 

Thursday:
I wrote about taking care of my daughter

Tweet of the Week
From Brett Mannes
Jimmy John’s didn’t cut my pickle.  It’s cucumbersome.
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archives
Four completely true stories from my life written in exactly 50 words

Video of the Week
Soap and magnets.  Whoa.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Taking Care of My Daughter

Sometimes my wife wants to get out of the house and attend some sort of adult gathering where she can have conversations with people who don’t have baby puke all over them.  It’s those times when I get to take care of my daughter.  I love taking care of my daughter and I love that Dee gets to go out, have some fun and show off her oversized boobies.  That’s a treat for everyone.  

Meanwhile, I’m back at home with Scarlett.  I get to feed her and put her down for naps and change her diapers and all that stuff that everyone knows you have to do with a baby, but I get to do so much more.  I get to sing to her.  I don’t just sing her songs that everyone knows, either.  I make up songs and sing them to her.  Songs with titles like “Scarlett Loves Her Tummy Time” and “Tiny Little One” and “Chill It Out” (which is about love and french fries) and “It Sucks To Be Scarlett” (used when she’s crying about something) and “Scarlett’s Little Name” and “Other Tummy Time Song” (Tummy Time is prime make up songs time).  It’s not all singing, either.  There is dancing (which usually makes her puke so there’s not too much of that) and the aforementioned Tummy Time and Peek-a-Boo and doggy rides (don’t tell Dee) and every once in a while I get to give her a bath all by myself.  Single parent style.  No small feat.

Sunday was one of those days.  I got to give Scarlett a bath while Dee took her boobies and went off to play with her friends.  Everything was going great.  Scarlett loves her bath and she was all smiles while I was washing her hair.  I felt like a total pro.  I transferred her over to her tiny little tub and she smiled and splashed a little while I washed behind her ears and between her toes and between her adorable little fat rolls (no, Scarlett, the tub does not make your butt look too big).  

At this point I’m thinking that I’m the front runner for Father of the Year.  Then it comes time to take her out of the bath.  I realize that there’s no good way to snatch her out of the tub without completely drenching her towel, dripping wet baby everywhere or doing a dangerous one-armed juggle with her and the towel.  I ask her which she would prefer and she responds by smiling at me in a way that says, “Daddy, you’re such a rookie.”  I say, “Don’t move,” and I lay her adorable hooded towel out on the bed.  I dive back into the bathroom to see that she’s still sitting there happy as can be.  I snatch her up out of the tub and hold her there for a second so that she can drip off.  I then do the arms-straight-out-holding-a-wet-naked-baby-who-might-poop-or-pee-at-any-second sprint into the bedroom and set her down on the towel and quickly wrap her in it.  I pull back the hood to see how Scarlett is handling this whole situation.  She is laughing.  She knows Daddy is doing something wrong and she thinks it’s hilarious.  That’s my girl.

I can’t dally, though.  This little poop machine could undo this bath at any second.  I snatch her up, run into her room and plop her down on the changing table.  I whip out a diaper and strap it on as fast as I possibly can.  When I finish, I raise my hands in the air and say, “Done!  What’s my time?”  I look down at Ruthie who is wondering what the hell is going on and she looks back at me all, “What?  I can’t work a stopwatch.  Also, should I be alarmed?”  Crisis averted.  Still in the running for Father of the Year and I have a whole new appreciation for single parents.  Seriously, when do single parents have time to poop?

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