Tuesday, September 06, 2011

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

The folks at the Bachelor Pad have decided that we give a shit about Michael and Holly so get ready for a big dose of the whiniest man on the planet.  Has no one ever told him that loving someone does not entitle you to be with that person?  Hold on to your seats.  You’re about to fall off of them from boredom.

Blake is relieved that Melissa is gone and he wants to end up with Holly.  They are all about to go to bed when Chris comes in and tells them that they will be competing as a couple from this point forward and that it would be wise to get to know each other.  Holly wants to be Blake’s partner but she’s sticking with Michael because she made him a promise.  Blake and Erica end up as partners.  Erica thinks this is the best thing for him, because she thinks she’s way smarter and way prettier than Holly.  I’m not sure where in the world this would be true.

While the couples try to learn as much as possible about each other, Kasey and Vienna go straight to bed because they are confident they will win.  Famous last naps.

The Challenge — The Nearlywed Game
It’s exactly like the Newlywed Game only with a lot more douche.  The winners get a rose and a date, the second place couple also gets a date.

Blake and Erica get off to a fast start and they are tied for the lead with Michelle and Graham.  Kasey and Vienna are comically bad.  When Chris asks, “What feature do your exes miss the most,” Vienna gave the answer of “boobs” but Kasey answered “teeth.”  Teeth?  They’re being terrible on purpose, right?

When people are asked anything negative, they all answer Blake.  I’m still not entirely clear what horrible thing he has done to each of them.  I understand why Michael has a beef even though I don’t think it’s legitimate.  The rest of them?  I don’t get it.  

When Erica is asked who Blake would sleep with if he could sleep with anyone else in the house, she correctly responds, “Holly.”  We get the obligatory shot of Michael pouting.  Holly is asked the same question and she answers, “Blake.”  Michael guesses himself because he’s a fucking psychopath.  

When the couples are asked how old they were when they lost their virginity and Graham answers 7 and Michelle guesses correctly, everyone realizes that Graham and Michelle worked out a system.  Any questions that require a number they answer 7.  Any questions that require a non-gender specific cast member, they answer Michael.  Any questions that require a girl cast member, they answer Holly.  Even with this plan, Michelle still screws it up but they still win because Erica is confused by a very simple question.

Graham and Michelle win the roses.  Blake and Erica win a date.

Blake is resigned to the fact that he’s going home and he’s decided to just have fun.  Holly immediately begins flirting with him.  When Erica asks Michael if it bugs him he says, “He’s not a good dude.”  Erica tries to explain to him that his anger is misplaced because “it takes two to tango.”  Yet, Michael is still pissed at Blake and not at all at Holly because of some kind of “Guy Code.”

A quick note on “The Guy Code.”  It’s bullshit.  The people who adhere to it have no idea what life is like with a wife you love and enjoy.  It also assumes that men are the only people who make decisions about who can love who.  If you invoke “The Guy Code” you are a retarded fool who knows nothing about how life works.

Graham and Michelle’s Date
Michelle and Graham’s date starts with Helicopter.  Oh, Helicopter.  It’s good to see you again.  I know you’ve moved on, but it’s still nice to see you.  I wish you all the happiness in the world.  Do me a favor, if Michael climbs in you, crash.  Thanks.

Helicopter lands on the roof of a building in downtown L.A.  They are suddenly transported to a gigantic hot tub where they will be screening the movie What’s Your Number.  For us, the date turns into a promo for the movie.  When the strip HORSE scene happens in the movie, Michelle and Graham make out.  They are both totally in love, or at least in boner and lady boner.

Back in the House…
Kasey and Vienna begin fighting because he ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him.  Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.  During the fight, he tells the cameras that she’s completely different in front of the cameras.  Eventually he talks her into some hate cuddling.

Everyone talks trash about Blake while he’s on his date.  Holly sits silently and wishes she was wearing cuter shoes.

Michael steals Holly away for another sad, pitiful moment.  I get that you have to go after what you want, but she’s shot you down every single time.  At some point this becomes assault.

Holly talks with Ella about Blake and Michael.  She tells Ella about how Michael just walked away when she loved him the most.  She talks about how great her date was with Blake.  These are all things we all know.  This show things we’re all stupid.

Blake and Erica’s Date
Their date card reads, “Your mission is romance.”  Holly is jealous and Erica is upset that Blake is flirting with Holly.  Everyone is miserable!  Yay!  Erica makes everyone leave so she can tell Blake that she’s not happy with their situation.  She tries to win him over to her side by getting him to agree to try to send Michael home.  Her true plan is to seduce Blake on the date.  For someone who professes to be smart, she has an unreasonable understanding of her beauty and seductive powers.

She puts on her tiara and grabs her sexy lingerie and does not hide her plans to sleep with him.  Before the date, Holly parades around in a bikini to remind Blake of what he’s missing.  

Blake and Erica go to the Mission Inn.  While exploring the catacombs Erica mentions to Blake that she converses with her dead friends and that she has an astrologer.  You know, for credibility reasons.  Blake just looks awkward the whole time.  

When they sit down for dinner there are two roses on the table.  Erica and Blake are to award another couple with the roses to save them from elimination.  They can’t save themselves.  Instead of talking strategy, Erica immediately begins trying to seduce Blake.  She reaches down for his crotch and he pushes her away.  He tries to turn her down as nicely as he can but she’s not having it.  She continues to try to get him to sleep with her and even mentions that she brought “very sexy lingerie.”  I’m not sure why he continues to be nice at this point.  When is he going to realize that she’s his partner and that her fate is tied to his?  He doesn’t have to make friends.  If she tries to screw him, she screws herself.  When Blake finally tells her she’s full of shit, she says, “You’re worried about your reputation and that’s fucked up.”  She’s pissed because he won’t sleep with her.  Did she really think she had a chance?

After the Dates
The next morning Erica acts like nothing happened (which it didn’t, technically) and they decide to move past it.  They approach Ella and Kirk about the roses in the hopes of making a deal to stay in the house.  Blake is hoping Kirk can convince Graham and Michelle to keep them in the house.  When they approach Vienna and Kasey, Kasey immediately tells them to give them the roses because it’s the only way to be safe.  He promises that Graham and Michelle will vote with them.  They buy Kasey’s story and give the roses to Kasey and Vienna because they want to go home.  Yes, let’s give the roses to the least trustworthy people in the house and expect them to keep you around.

Ella breaks down.  Kasey and Vienna gloat.  Kasey immediately wonders if he still wants to help Blake and Erica.  Ella cries to the camera, “I’m trying to raise a nine year old by myself.”  Really?  Who is he with right now?  Is he raising himself?

Chris announces that the women will cast the actual votes once the couples make their decision.  

Michael wants Blake gone and goes to Graham to convince him to vote out Blake and Erica.  They agree.  Kasey and Vienna try to use their influence to convince Graham and Michelle to vote for Kirk and Ella but Graham and Michelle won’t budge.  They blindly hate Blake as much as everyone else.  After all the pointless scheming, it comes down to Holly.  Everyone has cast their votes and Holly has the power to save Blake.  Michael tells her that it is completely up to her, but in a “I may cut both of our throats if you don’t vote Blake out” way.

Holly breaks down.  She doesn’t want to hurt Michael, but she doesn’t want to lose Blake, either.  If she sends Blake home, Michael will think that she loves him again.  Time to put the hammer down on that, Holly.  Crush Michael’s heart once and for all.  Please.  He needs to be crushed.  

The Rose Ceremony
Holly decides to send Blake home.  Blake is not terribly disappointed to be going home, he’s most upset about leaving Holly.  Before he leaves, Holly gives him a note that reads, “This isn’t the end for us.”  Kasey and Vienna, Kirk and Ella, Graham and Michelle and Michael and Holly remain.  
Next week is the season finale.  I can only assume it will be about six hours long.  Ugh.


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