Can you believe it’s coming to an end? How will we survive without Michael’s whining and misplaced rage? How will we feel better about ourselves when we can’t see Vienna be a raging psychopath? What will we do? Oh, that’s right. Dancing With People starts next week.
This week our crew of whiny brats will be heading to Las Vegas for their final challenge.
The Challenge — Cirque du Soleil
They walk into a huge theater and the stage floor rotates to create a giant wall on the stage. Seems like they could have just built a wall, but what do I know about production values? Chris Harrison magically appears from the mist to tell them that for the final challenge they will be suspended on the wall over 100 feet in the air. They have to learn a Cirque du Soleil routine and perform it on the wall. The top couple gets a spot in the finals, the last place group goes home. There will be judges who decide the competition. Everyone is freaking out.
Their routine is one minute long. 50 seconds are already choreographed and they have to improvise for 10 seconds of the routine. Kasey and Vienna immediately start fighting about their 10 seconds. Holly and Michael are just awkward. Graham is very afraid of heights but Michelle claims she’s not nervous even though she gets sick to her stomach. Ella is completely freaked out to the point where I’m not sure if she’s going to do it or not.
Guess what? Michael is being a whiny little bitch.
Guess what else? Watching everyone practice their routines is boring as shit. Everyone stays up all night to practice except Kasey and Vienna who snooze the night away in bed. Did someone forget to tell them the story of the tortoise and hare as children?
The judges are all previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes. Trista, Jason and Alli. Not sure what their qualifications are, but whatever.
Graham and Michelle go first. They kiss before they get onto the wall. For their improvised section they lock hands and do and arm wave, then they do a weird handshake while they dangle in the air. They do it all very, very slowly. It’s pretty terrible.
Kirk and Ella are completely out of sync and it’s clear they are trying to get through it as quickly as possible. Ella looks lost. They’re even worse than Graham and Michelle.
Surprise, surprise, Kasey is confident even though he’s never won a challenge. He says, “I’m a survivor, a dreamer, a believer.” Where does he get this shit? Unfortunately, they are actually really good. They zoom up to the top and then Vienna elbows Kasey and he falls. How apropos.
Holly and Michael are also very good. At the top, Michael falls and Holly chases after him. Then Michael does some spins and cartwheels. The judges are gushing.
Holly and Michael are declared the winners. They have secured their spot in the final and they get to choose the couple that will join them in the final four. Kirk and Ella are the losers and they are immediately sent home. Ella breaks down. She apologizes over and over to Kirk. Her dream of not working for the money to buy a home for her child has been shattered.
Back at the House
Holly and Michael have to choose between Kasey and Vienna and Graham and Michelle. They decide to talk to Kasey and Vienna first. Kasey tries to convince them that Holly and Michael will definitely win if they choose them. As soon as Holly and Michael leave, Vienna starts berating Kasey for talking too much. Kasey doesn’t say a word and just walks off to have a beer alone. When Vienna finds him he says, “I don’t want to hear anything you say. It’s all negative.” She thinks that she knows exactly how to play Holly and Michael and that Kasey screwed it up. Because she never screws anything up — except for her entire life.
Holly and Michael then go to talk to Graham and Michelle. Michael tells them that they think that they would win if they were in the finals with Kasey and Vienna and they think they would lose if they were in the final with Graham and Michelle. Graham gets pissed and says that, “It’s not about money.” No, this is definitely about money, dumbass. He feels betrayed by Michael because he thought they were bros. Then he gets all loud and shouty and Michelle has to talk him down.
The Rose Ceremony
Holly and Michael give a long meaningless speech about selfishness and selflessness. Annoying as shit. It would have been much better if Michael had just cried the whole time. They choose Graham and Michelle to go to the finals because they are the closest to Holly and Michael. It took the entire show for someone to get smart and send Kasey and Vienna home. Vienna breaks down in the car and says to Kasey, “You’re the reason we’re here right now. I’m really upset because my perfect rose record was broken.” Kasey calls Holly and Michael selfish. At least they can feel good that they handled everything with class.
The Finale Show
Brace yourselves for two hours of reliving the entire season.
When Chris introduces each of the cast members, the audience cheers loudly for everyone but Kasey and Vienna. They even cheer for Jake. Jackie announces that she and Ames are not together and she doesn’t know why they didn’t work. Ames just didn’t feel it and it’s clear he feels terrible about it. He won’t even look at Jackie. Jackie admits that she couldn’t get out of bed for a week. Time to see someone, girl. That’s depression. Isn’t it perfect, though? It’s exactly how every Bachelor/ette relationship ends.
When asked about Kasey and Vienna, Gia says that Kasey formed an alliance that couldn’t be broken. William calls out Kasey and Vienna for being a fake “power couple” because they never won a competition. Jake reiterates that he just wanted closure, not the money. Vienna claims that there was closure and that it was behind her, but Chris calls her out for not being nicer to Jake. When she says she was nice to Jake the audience laughs. Chris piles on by saying that she worked really hard to poison everyone else on Jake. Kirk said that people would have been more willing to take her side if she had admitted that she might have had a little to do with the breakup as well. The audience cheers. Vienna pouts. I put a gun in my mouth.
When Jake takes the hot seat, we’re treated to clips of him trying to be nice to Vienna and Vienna being awful to him. What would a Bachelor Pad be without seeing Kasey’s Punch for America quote? The studio is silent after the clips. Jake apologizes again to Vienna for losing his cool with her on the breakup special. Vienna tries to convince everyone that they didn’t fight the whole time and she makes some strange statement about how they played charades and Jake fell off a chair, then she laughs. Crickets. She claims that we didn’t see the majority of the time in the house when it was not hostile. Erica says that it was hostile. You get it, right? She’s completely delusional. When Jake calls out Kasey for the “punch for America,” Kasey immediately apologizes for mistreating him and being a jerk. Jake and Kasey shake hands and hug. Vienna pouts and tries to kill Kasey with her eyes.
It’s Kasey’s turn in the hot seat. Chris calls him the “ringleader.” Kasey’s clip package is all shots of him being cocky and an asshole and everyone talking about how terrible he and Vienna are for each other. Kasey looks genuinely upset after watching the clips. In response to Justin calling him Kermit and Vienna Miss Piggy, he admits that he has a speech impediment and that’s why he talks funny. He still sounds like Kermit. He apologizes for being an ass on the show. He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to have the relationship that he saw on the show. Chris asks Vienna what it’s like to see this and she blames it on being a woman. Really? Most women I know aren’t batshit crazy. She says, “It’s not easy to have America seeing this and judging you,” while Jake nods his head vigorously. William tells Kasey that if they were friends, he would tell them that they do not have a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, William has no friends.
Blake takes the hot seat and Chris immediately begins discussing the situation with Melissa. Instead of just apologizing he gives some lame excuse and tries to justify the whole thing. For the record, I don’t think he needs to apologize but it would serve to make Melissa look even more crazy which I’m all for. Melissa claims that she would have been fine with just being partners and not a couple. She claims that her reaction to his date with Holly did not involve any jealousy at all but that she was pissed about the game. Everyone rolls their eyes. Chris gives Blake a chance to gush about Holly for a while and he says that she’s going to move to South Carolina to be with him. They cut to a clip of him proposing to Holly. She says yes. The crowd goes wild. Jackie looks pissed and disgusted. Melissa looks surprisingly happy. I hope someone checked her for knives.
The Final Four Contestants — Graham and Michelle, Michael and Holly
Michael doesn’t know that Blake and Holly are engaged. This is the first thing Chris brings it up. Holly tells him. Michael looks shocked and says, “Right here?” He fumbles around and asks for a commercial break. He calls out Blake for not letting him know. Really? That’s Blake’s fault? He’s pissed and very passive-aggressive with his congratulations. He’s clearly shocked and surprised and I don’t feel sorry for him at all. Not one bit. Maybe he’ll finally end it. His life, I mean.
Graham and Michelle spend the whole time talking about her dead dad. They’re working hard for the sympathy vote. Graham is sporting a bow tie. That’s why I’d vote for him.
Chris gives the cast a chance to ask some final questions of the couples. Justin asks Holly what she added to the partnership since Michael won all the challenges. Michael answers for her and says that she stuck by him through the whole thing and nailed the wall challenge. Erica says that she likes what Graham and Michelle plan to do with the money but she thought that Michael earned it by actually winning challenges.
Blake calls out Graham and Michelle’s “no drama” policy by saying, “Your strategy was to leave the room. Do you think that earns you the victory?” Graham flat out tells him, “I’m not a big fan of yours. But that was our strategy and I’m not even going to try to sway you.” Wait, why does Graham hate Blake? Seriously, I really don’t get it. Kasey asks both couples why they think they deserve the money more than the other. They refuse to answer and just say that they are lucky to be there. You’re not running for office. Answer the damn question.
The couples need eight votes to move on to the next round. The votes:
Jake — Holly and Michael
Vienna — Michelle and Graham
Kasey — Michelle and Graham
Blake — Holly and Michael
Erica — Holly and Michael
Melissa — Michelle and Graham
William — Michelle and Graham
Jackie — Holly and Michael
Ames — Holly and Michael
Justin — Holly and Michael
Ella — Holly and Michael
Gia — Holly and Michael
Now it’s between Holly and Michael for the $250,000. They are sent to two different rooms. Each room has a “Keep” and “Share” sign. If they both choose Share, they split the money. If one chooses share and one chooses keep, the person who chooses keep gets all the money. If they both choose keep, the rest of the cast splits the money. Chris asks the cast what they think and it’s the biggest fucking waste of time all season. That’s saying a lot. Holly and Michael are escorted back on stage like they are prisoners. Chris asks Michael, “Can you trust Holly?” Michael says, “Yeah, that’s the really big question.” Holly chooses share because she always makes the easy choice. Michael could redeem himself in my eyes if he chooses keep but instead he chooses share because he somehow thinks that he might still win her over. Michael just helped Holly and Blake pay for their wedding.
They spend the next fifteen minutes announcing the new Bachelor. I couldn’t give a shit. I’ve got the worst television show in America to focus on, Dancing with People.