This week we will be without Metta World Peace. You say, “Yes, there are several wars raging throughout the world.” I say, “No, that’s what Ron Artest is now calling himself.” He won’t regret that change, nor will I regret that he went home.
This week the cast will be doing Quicksteps and Jives. I guess there are still too many contestants for theme weeks but I absolutely cannot wait for Adult Diaper Week.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Jive
Hope is still playing soccer—she took “don’t quit your day job” to heart. Maks goes to one of her games and we see her goalie-ing like crazy. The Canadians can’t get anything past her. Once she’s done with soccer, she’s going directly to dance practice. This is the first season that Maks isn’t actively trying to sleep with his partner. I’m not sure why.
Hello. Did I mention that she’s sexy? They dress her in a half top and some super tight pants. I now know things about Hope Solo that only her doctor knows. The old judge says, “It was booyakachaka.” Yes, he said that word and flashed some sort of gang symbol. Everyone over 60 just turned off their TVs. The gay judge tells her that her power is not enough and that she needs more practice. The lady judge says that she’s fun and flirtatious but she needs more polish. At least they laid off the strong woman = bad dancer crap they were spouting last week. Even though it was thoroughly covered in the practice clips, Brooke asks, “What is it like switching between soccer and dancing?” Brooke, what is it like switching between shoe commercials and asking the dumbest questions of all time?
My score: Seriously, don’t quit your day job.
Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Quickstep
During rehearsal she wears a shirt that reads, “Vote for Kristin and Mark.” Is that to remind herself? Brooke begs us to vote every three seconds, I don’t think we need more reminders. They’re not even attempting to remind us why these people may or may not be famous.
They dress her up like Marilyn Monroe if Marilyn Monroe could eat New York City in one bite. As usual, Mark goes a little nuts. The gay judge says, “I’ve been bedazzled by the blond bombshell.” No, you’ve been bedazzled by your stylist. The lady judge loved it. The old judge tells her she looks fantastic but the dance wasn’t as good as she looks. I bet he’s great on dates, “You’re sexy but awful.”
My score: Maybe his stylist is a blond bombshell.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Jive
David fancies himself “silly and complicated.” At one point, he thinks they’ve got it but Kym tells him it was terrible. He’s shocked. Why does he dress like a newsie for rehearsals?
He’s wearing a gold suit. Kym is wearing very little. I approve. You know how kids dance when they think they are actually doing dance steps? Yep, that’s what David is doing. Pretty sure his daughter could have done better. In fact, his daughter looks at him after the dance like, “I could have done better.” The lady judge says he’s very enthusiastic but he almost lost control. Almost? I’d say “completely.” The old judge says, “Is it time for Castle? Any time that was a Jive was purely by coincidence.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. The old judge is clearly out to prove a point tonight. That point is, “I’m sick of watching these hacks murder dance.”
My score: Murder Dance. Next, on Castle.
Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep
During rehearsal she’s clearly frustrated and Val calls her out for not wanting to be there. We are then treated to the standard fight where the contestant thinks the pro is treating her like shit and the pro thinks that she’s not trying. This show recycles storylines like oil companies raise prices. In the end Elisabetta comes off looking worse than BP.
Val decided to choreograph a dance that has her standing around more she’s dancing. It works. The old judge, “It’s not great but it was better than last week.” The gay judge loves it but it’s because they are both Italian. The lady judge thinks that she nailed it. Brooke asks, “You looked surprised when you were safe last week, what was the deal with that?” Elisabetta replies, “I am happy. I am sorry. I have dancing.” Or something.
My score: We have to know who you are before we’ll tolerate you being a bitch.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Jive
During rehearsal, Rob has a moment where he realizes that he’s bad at dancing and he nearly breaks down in tears. Nope. Not buying it. No way I’m I ever going to feel sorry for a Kardashian. I don’t care if that tiny little dog in his purse gets eaten by a dinosaur, I feel no sympathy. No one in that family deserves any of my energy.
Rob spends the whole dance looking like he’s afraid of touching his partner. Cheryl has dumbed this dance way down. The gay judge says that “he’s starting to find his own voice.” I think he’s judging the wrong competition. The lady judge says, “It’s official, Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.” Yes, but everyone is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian. The old judge says it was a great improvement. When Brooke asks, “Where’s the lack of confidence coming from?” Rob says, “It’s not my thing to go out there in front of people and look people in the eyes and things.” Communication ain’t your thing? Thank god you can just ride your sister’s coattails.
My score: Hatedashian.
Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Quickstep
Carson thinks this might be his dance until he actually starts dancing. The rehearsal clips make him look comically bad and not in a way that makes you think he’ll pull it together for the performance.
They shoot the beginning of the dance in black and white because someone must have just figured out how to work the “effects” button. When the color comes back on, they are dressed in blinding colors. He dances with his mouth open the whole time like he’s waiting for Anna to jump in. The dance is awkward and he messes up several times. The lady judge says, “I saw improvement but she’s not sure what happened to it in the dance.” So did you see improvement or not? The old judge says, “If I held a knife and fork like you held Anna, I’d starve to death. The trouble is that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch.” See what I mean? This dude is angry today. The gay judge just insults their clothes.
My score: One raging old guy.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Jive
Ricki mentions Kirstie Alley again. Seriously, are they buddies? Lovers? What is the deal with these two? Is it weird that she seems the most well adjusted of the group?
The wardrobe department has decided that Pepto-Bismol is her color. They do a super crazy dance that feels like it should belong somewhere in Week 6. Trust me, I know these things now. The crowd goes wild. The old judge likes that she attacked it and it was an improvement on last week. The gay judge says that she’s the first one to do the kicks and flicks correctly, then adds, “And you got to sit on Derek as well.” The lady judge says, “Best job of the night so far.”
My score: Pepto Queen!
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Quickstep
Chaz’s knees hurt. Also, his knees really hurt. Also, he’s afraid that his kneecap is going to explode and fly across the room. Also, he’s got severe pain in his… Oh, Christ, just shut up and dance you whiny little man.
You didn’t accidentally hit the slow-mo button on your TiVo, folks. This is Chaz dancing at full speed. The gay judge says, “It was like watching a little Ewok dancing with Princess Leia.” The lady judge says that she could see him in pain. The old judge says that he like his grit and determination but that “it was the quickstep and I move faster through the car wash.” Chaz says he wants to stick around but this horse has a broken leg. Time to put him down.
My score: *blows out knee*
Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Jive
Tony spends most of the rehearsal time teaching Chynna left and right. When she screws up she says “fudge.” Eventually, she gets so frustrated she swears and says, “I’m just going to have to start cursing. Sorry, Jesus, but I have to curse.” Yes, because there’s a discernible difference in the intent behind “fudge” and “fuck.”
Chaz did his dance at half speed but Chynna is doing her dance half assed. She’s trying to make up for it with her face. The lady judge asks Chynna if she is injured because she danced scared. The old judge says it was a “polite jive.” The gay judge says that there’s a sexy siren that is trying to come out because the problem is always that it’s not sexy enough. Brooke asks, “How’s your relationship with Tony?” Chynna says, “It’s great. I can’t express it in words.” How about, “It’s great?”
My score: Do they let people drop out of fifth grade?
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Quickstep
She looks completely baffled the entire time she’s rehearsing. Maybe she’s also trying to figure out who the hell she is. Is she a real-life character from one of those serious comic strips? When Tristan asks her to show him the dance, she just says “no” over and over and then refuses to dance. He walks out. For someone that nobody knows, she’s delightful.
Yikes. Brown is not her color. Also, her boob pops out of her dress and the camera cuts away to a large section of the crowd sitting motionless. The old judge liked that they did a proper quickstep. The gay judge liked it but probably because he saw her nipple. The lady judge picks a fight with the old judge because she wants more razzmatazz. Dancing With the Stars, where razzmatazz is a hot-button issue.
Also, fuck these super loud commercials.
My score: I know who she is! She’s that lady who exposed her nipple on Dancing With the Stars.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Jive
No one will be using the phrase “burning up the dance floor” to describe his dancing, but not because he’s a bad dancer. He’s worried that he’s the least well known of the contestants so he has to work harder. He’s the underdog. Right, because a wounded veteran needs to play the underdog card.
They use Instagram to shoot the beginning of their dance. He is by far the best dancer. It’s not even close. He’s the only one that looks like he knows what he’s doing. Can we just eliminate everyone but him and Ricki Lake and call it a season? Seriously, the rest of the dancers should be ashamed. He’s a better person and a better dancer. The gay judge calls it the “most satisfying performance of the night.” The lady judge is pissed that they did a lift but loved it otherwise. The old judge didn’t like it because it was a Lindy Hop instead of a Jive. Wow, someone pooped in his Cheerios this morning.
My score: Seriously, let’s end this.