Monday, October 31, 2011

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


The schedule this weekend was awful.  It may have turned out a few good games, but there was nothing that anyone would want to watch unless they were a fan of the team.  I’ll break it down:

Dolphins at Giants — Ugh.  The Dolphins may very well be the worst team in football in a year when there are a lot of teams contending for that title.  Why would anyone (especially Dolphins fans) want to watch them play?

Jaguars at Texans — Does anyone ever want to watch either of these teams?  They feel like cartoon versions of real NFL teams.

Colts at Titans — The Colts are giving the Dolphins a serious run for their money as the worst team in the league.  More on this later.

Vikings at Panthers — I’ll give you a pass if you watched this simply because you wanted to see Cam Newton play.  If you’re a Vikings fan, I’m sorry that your franchise has wasted Adrian Peterson’s best years.

Saints at Rams — The Rams made this the one early game worth watching but no one tuned in until the second half at the earliest.  

Cardinals at Ravens — The Cardinals are not good.  Even after they took a 24-6 lead at halftime, I said to myself, “This is going to be Whisenhunt’s ‘We are who we thought they were’ moment.”  You just knew the Ravens were coming back.

Lions at Broncos — If you were surprised by this game becoming a blowout, you’re an idiot.  You probably also think Tim Tebow will save the Broncos.  In fact, if you watched this game simply to see Tim Tebow, you are failing as a football fan.

Redskins at Bills — Mike Shanahan has lost it.  The game has passed him by.  Joe Paterno is still winning but the sport has passed Mike Shanahan by at light speed.  The Bills are a good story and they’ve changed their awful uniforms so you get a pass for watching this one even though the Redskins are a mess.

Patriots at Steelers — One of two interesting games of the day.  It was actually a good game.  I did learn that the Packers would kill either of these teams.

Browns at 49ers — The 49ers are a mirage.  The Browns are real and they are mediocre.  Hope you enjoyed this stinker.

Bengals at Seahawks — The Bengals are doing that thing where they have a good season and barely miss the playoffs or lose horribly in the first round of the playoffs.  Then Marvin Lewis will get to keep his job and they’ll play a tougher schedule next year and go back to being 5-11.  It’s just what they do.  

Cowboys at Eagles — A good matchup until the Eagles decided to finally play like everyone expected them to play and the Cowboys decided to let Romo keep playing quarterback.

Chargers at Chiefs — Wait, the Chiefs have three wins?  What?  I’m sure ESPN is pitching this as some kind of battle for the division lead.  Gross.  It’s a lie.  The Chargers are going to run away with this division.

Two games worth watching.  Two.  The NFL still manages to be the most popular sport in America.


Pro tip: Don’t go to Six Flags during Fright Fest.  You’ll wait in line for over two hours and then have to leave because your wife has to pump and it will ruin her whole birthday celebration.  At least you’ll get a funnel cake on the way out, though.  


After a bad loss to USC and a week of ridiculous drama, Notre Dame beat the fuck out of Navy 56-14.  And yet.  And yet, it’s not good enough for some fans, I’m sure.  I’m sure they’re on the message boards complaining that we dared to throw a pass during the game.


It’s really looking like the Colts might not win a single game this year.  If that is the case, I do not think they should pick Andrew Luck.  They need to trade that pick for buckets and buckets of picks and draft an entire defense.  Preferably, that defense would be made up of a combination of players from Alabama and LSU.  There will be another quarterback they can draft in a few years while these young defensive players learn the game.  Christ, this team is a mess.


It seems like you’ve always known how to eat, but you haven’t.  


Instead of “bend, don’t break” the Colts defense is playing “break, stay broken.”


Speaking of Alabama-LSU, James Brown promoted the matchup by calling it, “This year’s game of the century.”


Michael Vick bought a parrot.  That’s the kind of thing you discover during a blowout.  Is anyone else worried about his new parrot fighting ring?  Does anyone else kinda want to see a parrot fighting ring?
****

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 6 - A Review

Brooke Burke breathed a sigh of relief when Carson Kressley went home because he’s much better at her job than she is.

It’s Broadway Week.  You know, because every week has to have a damn theme now.  The “stars” will be doing both a solo dance and a group dance.  Yipee!

They open the show with a performance from the cast of Sister Act.  Kristin Chenowith is also here because her new job is to appear on random reality contest shows.


Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Cha Cha
His family will cut you.
Rob wants Cheryl to push him this week.  She does and he responds by saying, “It’s tough on, like, my brain.”  You’re a Kardashian.  Eating is tough on, like, your brain.  His annoying mom comes to rehearsal and tells him that he’s gone from a boy to a man.  Nothing like finally attaining manhood at 24 on a dancing show.  He says that seeing her helped motivate him.  Doesn’t he see her every night when he goes home?

He dances to “Walk Like a Man” from Jersey Boys.  If he’s a man now, he doesn’t have to walk like one.  Men already walk like men.  I know that Rob is 24 because I just looked it up, but he has decided to dance like he’s about 75.  Cheryl is working her ass off which makes him look worse.  After the dance, we see Cheryl’s nipple.  Actually, just areola.  The old jude said, “It was clean, it was precise.”  I think he meant the dance, not the nipple.  Then Rob’s big annoying sister shouted, “Give him a nine.”  To which the old judge replied, “Dream on.”  I knew I liked this guy.  The gay judge told him that it was “adequate but didn’t have the impact and power.”  The lady judge “saw much more charisma.  You’re still an adolescent but not a child.”  Then she backpedals because she’s afraid the Kardashians will have her whacked.

My score: I’m watching my back.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Foxtrot
Nancy asks her partner to increase the difficulty of the routine and then spends the entire rehearsal complaining about the choreography.  She tells her partner that she thinks that he’s trying to sabotage the routine by making it too hard.  Yes, Nancy.  Everyone is out to get you.

They are dancing to “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life” from Spamalot.  I forgot they made a musical of the Monty Python sketches and movies.  I’m not sure why anyone would do such a thing.  Yes I do.  Easy cash grab.  The gay judge said, “Nancy Dancedalot with Sir Lancelot.  Well done.”  The lady judge said, “Well, you showed me didn’t you?  I would call that a showstopper.”  She showed you what?  Her nipple?  The old judge thought there was “much more personality, however, the posture and footwork wasn’t there.”  Then he argued with the gay judge.  When Brooke asks Tristan if he finds the show challenging,  he says that Nancy is a pain in the ass without actually saying it.

My score: Listen, all y’all it’s a sabotage!


David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Quickstep
David loves Broadway and he’s really glad to do jazz hands this week.  He then tells us that jazz hands aren’t just waving your hands, they are so much more than that.  Save it for your autobiography, David.  Don’t waste all the good stuff on a dance show.

They’re dancing to a song from “Grease” which means it will annoy the shit out of me the entire time.  What’s new?  Oh, it’s the one song where they use fake words to describe how everything should be.  He dances like someone reached inside him and turned his weird levels up to 25.  The lady judge said, “I thought you live up to the performance aspect but you were out of sync.”  The old judge said, “It was what it was.  It was a bit rough around the edges.”  Don’t give up now, Old Judge.  The gay judge says something about spring break and live wires.  Does he go to torture camp for spring break?

My score: One single, delicate flower. 

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Quickstep
Surprise, it’s another actor who loves Broadway music.  Quick, someone introduce me to an actor who doesn’t love Broadway.  I don’t count.  She’s worried that she’s not as good as J.R. News flash: you’re not as good as J.R.

They’re dancing to some song from “Guys and Dolls.”  Nobody cares.  They dress her in a long dress so you can’t see her feet screw everything up.  Well played, costume people.  The gay and lady judge gave her a standing ovation.  The old judge said, “You don’t need luck if you’ve got talent.  I loved it.”  The gay judge said, “Impeccable style, dazzling choreography.  Your interpretation of the music was beyond belief.”  No, I completely believed it.  The lady judge said, “It was amazing to watch.”  I can’t believe she didn’t cry.

My score: Don’t forget her house burned down.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Tango
Lacey is clearly very frustrated with Chaz and tells him that she can’t help him memorize the dance and leaves him alone to figure it out.  Is there any doubt this will be a disaster?  Lacey is the second of two pros who want out of this competition.  I bet you can guess the first.

He’s dancing to a song from “Phantom of the Opera.”  He’s predictably bad and the dance is really simple.  Just like every single week.  Someone put this guy out of his misery.  The gay judge said, “It was like watching a cute little penguin trying to be a big, menacing bird of prey.”  That’s one way to put it.  The lady judge said, “This is the most aggressive I’ve seen you but we need more difficult choreography.”  The old judge said, “The first rule of the show is to get through the routine.  You did that.”  Now they’re giving points for completeness?  

My score: Put him out of his misery.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Rhumba
Set Hope free.
Hope is not happy about getting the same scores over and over.  She wants to get better.  Maks brings in three professional women dancers to help her be more sexy.  Maks gets all sorts of creepy while he ogles all four of the girls.  Hope improves and then Maks tells her that everyone else has given up on her and that he’s now losing faith in her, too.  Que the argument clips.

They dance to that counting song from Rent.  Oh god.  She’s trying so hard to be sexy you can see her thinking about it.  If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the Kardashians, it’s that thinking isn’t sexy.  The lady judge said, “I see all the effort you’re putting in and I think it came out in moments but it goes against your natural feisty-ness.”  Yes, sexy and feisty never go together.  The old judge said, “I’m at a loss, really.  I’ve never lost faith in you.  It’s just never came out in your dance.  This is your worst dance of the whole season.”  When Maks urges the crowd to boo, the old judge told Maks it was his fault, too.  Then all the judges yell at Maks for challenging them.  When Brooke asked Maks about the fight Maks said, “This my show.”  Case closed.

My score: Can we send two people home next week?

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Quickstep
Karina calls their routine “the most ambitious routine I’ve attempted on Dancing With the Stars.”  Karina can see the trophy and she’s practically drooling all over it.  J.R. works his ass off and doesn’t seem to have any trouble picking it up at all.

I have no idea what the song is they are dancing to.  They’ve stopped telling us at this point.  It’s some kind of ragtime, big band song.  Again, he looks like he knows what he’s doing.  He even does a cartwheel and it’s not one of those lame, bent leg, flopping around cartwheels.  It’s no surprise that all of the judges loved it.  For once everyone gets along.

My score: It’s a vote for America, America.

The Group Dance
Kevin Maher — whoever that is — comes in to choreograph a dance for the entire cast.  They are all dancing together in one big routine.  I think everyone realizes it’s not fair to saddle one team with Chaz so we won’t see competitive group dances until he’s gone.  Rehearsal is basically chaos.  Why did they wait until three seconds before the dance started to tell me the judges aren’t even giving scores for this?!  I could have been doing anything else during this time.  Assholes.
****

Monday, October 24, 2011

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


I make a habit of staying away from Notre Dame message boards.  I’d highly recommend you do the same — especially this week.  If you’re curious, I can save you the trip.  Here’s what you’ll see:
1) The sky is falling, but only on Notre Dame fans.
2) Brian Kelly must be fired NOW.  Followed by discussions of who our next coach should be, followed by people insisting that it will be Nick Saban, Bob Stoops or Urban Meyer.
3) Complaints that Notre Dame football has been forever tarnished because they dared to play rock ’n’ roll music in the stadium to help get the crowd fired up.
4) Old men yearning for a time long ago when black people were only allowed to make music or play sports, when women belonged in the kitchen, and when Notre Dame football ruled the land.

My thoughts boil down to this: Does my daughter need it to make her happy?  If not, then it’s probably not that big of a deal after all.

In case it’s not clear, Notre Dame lost to USC 31-17.

If you’re going to set your alarm clock to Air Raid Siren for 5:00 AM, please wake up and shut it off sometime within the first 20 minutes.  Especially if you live one floor above me.

Call me a bandwagon jumper, but I turned off the Colts game when the Saints scored to make it 55-7.  I can only take so much abuse in one weekend.

I watched a grand total of one college football game this weekend.  I spent the whole day tailgating in South Bend so my college football thoughts will be few.

Who would have guessed that your team would get better when you replace your old, slow, and fat quarterback with a young, mobile guy?  The Vikings finally did.

Now that Jesus’ own quarterback, Tim Tebow, is starting for the Broncos, expect them to never lose again.  Especially when they are playing the Dolphins.

You know that Pizza Hut commercial where the dude trades a pizza for Reggie Bush in his Fantasy Football league?  The dude with the pizza got the better deal.

My baby spent several adorable hours tailgating at the Notre Dame game this weekend and she didn’t fuss once.  She’s a champ.

Hey, Guy Who Stole A Brownie From Our Tailgate, all you had to do was ask.  We would have gladly let you have one.
****

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Friday Roundup

I’m not where I was when I wrote this just like you’re not where you were when I wrote this.  Now we’re both were we are and we’re about to be where we’re going to be.  Anyway, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
Once again, I gave you my weekend football thoughts and other things

Tuesday:
Yep, another of my reviews of Dancing With the Stars

Thursday:
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish got new hats and I wrote about it.  With pictures! 

Tweets of the Week
Does anyone think Republicans are purposely tanking so they can get Andrew Luck?
See it here

From Blaine Capatch on the death of Muammar Gaddafi: 
Looks like America’s enemies list is down to teachers and you.
See it here

From the Mindsilt Archive
I series of posts that all go together.  First I gave you the answers.   Then I gave you the questions.  Then I gave you the questions and the answers

Video of the Week
A duet with Siri. 


****

Thursday, October 20, 2011

New Hats

This weekend against USC, Notre Dame will unveil new helmets.  The helmets will be a change from the dull-ish "gold" helmets of recent years that have really looked more brown than gold.  In the picture below, you can see that number 90's gold pants don't look anything like his helmet.  It's hard to call that helmet gold -- even if the paint does contain actual gold flakes (and it does).
The carpet doesn't match the drapes.
On Saturday, the Irish will come out of the tunnel wearing the helmet on the left in this photo:

Well, yeah.  That can be called gold.  At first you might think that it looks a lot like Ohio State's helmets which have the weird '70's motorcycle helmet glitter.  I assure you that is not the case.  If you click on the photo for the full size version, you will see that what appears to be glitter is actually the texture of the paint on the helmet.  Yep, it has texture.  Pretty cool.

One unfortunate side effect of these new helmets is that the student managers will no longer paint the helmets each week before the games.  It's sad to lose a tradition like that, but that process clearly wasn't providing the kind of gold that could actually be called gold.

I love the new helmets and I'm excited to see them take the field in South Bend this Saturday.  To see more about the process Notre Dame went through to create these new helmets, check out the video below.



****

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 5 - A Review

Chynna Phillips went home last week because, you know, brain damage.  This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.

It’s 80s week because they hate me.

They open the show with a live performance of “Eternal Flame” by whatever band sings “Eternal Flame.”  Wait, no.  It’s an “Eternal Flame”, “Walk Like an Egyptian” medley.  Ah, it must be The Bangles.  You’d never guess that they have a new album that no one will buy.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Tango
This week the judges are telling us what each contestant needs to do to really step up their game for the second half of the season.  They are not doing this to actually provide value to the contestants but merely because they need to fill time.  The lady judge says that Hope just needs to work with Maks and be more feminine.  We’re then treated to more of Hope and Maks bickering.  Even Hope’s sexy can’t make up for the annoying fighting.  Oh Christ, the Monday Night Football game is the Dolphins and the Jets.  That’s almost worse than watching this show.

They dance to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.”  The old judge tells her that she was “too willowy,” but that he liked her aggression.  Time to get out your blender because someone is mixing signals.  Oh god, what has this show done to me?  The gay judge said, “I thought you got the 80s super bitch down to a T.  You were strong, sexy and powerful.”  The crowd didn’t know whether to boo or cheer.  The lady judge started talking but the old judge kept interrupting to argue with her.  Why doesn’t he just quit?  He obviously hates this show and thinks the other judges are idiots.  Of course, they all give her the same score.

My score: Make it stop.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Jive
Too gay for this show or just gay enough?
The gay judge says that Carson has to combine personality with technique to be “a winner.”  Instead of dancing, he spends the whole rehearsal putting on leg warmers and scrunchies and looking really, really uncoordinated.  I’m tempted to just write “See last week” for each dancer.  This show is exactly the same every single week.

They dance to “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go” by Wham!  He and his partner come out in cheerleading outfits complete with pom-pons.  Yeah, it’s “pom-pons,” look it up.  He messes up several times and nearly drops his partner when they try to do a stunt.  I didn’t think it was possible, but I he’s too gay for this show.  The gay judge said, “That was loopier than a looney tune.”  Straight from the looney tune himself.  The lady judge thought it “was definitely fun. I was watching Richard Simmons envy your outfit.”  Is anyone shocked that Richard Simmons is there?  The old judge said, “I like you, you know I like you.  If I was judging with my heart you would be back next week, but we’re judging with our brains and I’m not sure that was good enough.”  

My score: Two pom-pons.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Rhumba
The old judge says that she loves that Nancy is a hard worker but he doesn’t “want to see an older lady trying to look like some young floozy.  It doesn’t work.”  Is that a crack about her showing her boob?  I’m not sure how that qualifies as advice.  She reveals that she was a cheerleader for her high school in the ‘80s.  Instead of letting her partner teach her, she has decided that she knows what is best for this competition.  She then immediately turns around and blames him for her not getting the dance.  For someone who has made a career of placing blame, she sure does love to avoid it herself.

They dance to Spandau Ballet’s “True.”  The lady judge doesn’t see her passion or connection to the dance.  Maybe that’s because she only sees it with the young male contestants.  Just sayin’.  The old judge said, “It was simple but it was very effective.  Very good job.”  As always, if it’s super boring he loves it.  The gay judge called it “sensuous, sexy” and “one of the best performances.”  Brooke presides over an awkward interview not because she is a terrible interviewer (she still is, don’t worry) but because Nancy seems to think that she should also be choreographing the dance.

My score: Whoops, did I reveal that I know who she is?

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Samba
The gay judge says J.R. doesn’t do anything wrong but he doesn’t finish cleanly.  I don’t know what that means.  He feels like he has an advantage in the Samba because he’s Latin.  You know, like the dead language.  Karina decides that she’s going to push him so she takes him to a club where Sheila E is playing.  Sheila E is playing clubs now?  That seems right.

They dance to “Conga” by Gloria Estefan.  He looks natural.  He’s good.  I’m not allowed to make fun of him even if he wasn’t.  The crowd gives him a standing ovation.  The old judge said, “If someone asked me how a man dances the Samba, I’d say, ‘Take a look at J.R.”  The gay judge said, “Talk about hip action, you were like a loin shattering hip machine.  The Kardashians are gagging.”  Well said.  The lady judge said, “That is the way a man dances a Samba.”  A man or THE man?

My score: God bless Sheila E.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Rhumba
The old judge loves that Rob is growing and he wants to see Rob take command.  Cheryl implores him to be sexy but he struggles.  Romeo — of previous Dancing With the Stars fame — comes in to help him be sexy by shouting a bunch of random things at him.  It’s like doucheapalooza.

They dance to Lionel Richie’s “Hello.”  Sexy translates into him pawing Cheryl awkwardly on the dance floor and smacking himself in the belly several times.  The gay judge said, “We finally see you using Cheryl as a partner.”  Yes, dancing is all about making women into objects.  The lady judge compares him to the tortoise in the Tortoise and Hare story by saying, “You took control of the woman.”  Yep, that’s exactly how the story goes.  The old judge said, “You took command.”  Of the woman, yes.  Are we in Iran?

My score: Burkas for everyone! 

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Samba
The lady judge wants Chaz to push the limit and go for it.  Lacey wants him to “bring the bigness.”  Done.  She brings in her father — who is a bigger guy — so he can see that big guys can shake it too.  Her dad dances like a crazy man even though his pants are pulled all the way up to his nipples.

They dance to Kool and the Gang’s “Get Down On It.”  Oh man, he works so hard and you can see every single second of him working.  He can’t really dance but he sure can jiggle with the best of them.  The lady judge said, “That was the most dancing I’ve seen you do in any of your routines.”  Is that what you call it?  The old judge said, “I like that you really gave it a go.”  The gay judge gets up and dances.

My score: A for abomination.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Tango
The lady judge says that David is a leading man who doesn’t know it yet.  Great advice.  David thinks things are starting to click for him now.  He’s then worried that they are going to get in trouble with the judges for breaking hold — whatever that means.  He’s worried about rules.  He’s lost it.  He’s completely lost it.

They dance to “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell.  Well, they’ve finally not dressed Kym at all.  It’s fair to say that I won’t notice David at all during this dance.  Somehow it’s still boring.  How do they do that?  The old judge said, “You have to show up or shut up.  You have shown up and it was fantastic.”  The gay judge said, “That was a tango with a rebel yell.”  He knows they didn’t dance to Billy Idol, right?  The lady judge wants him to work on his musicality.  Then she argues with the old judge while Tom Bergeron yells at both of them.  This show is a mess.

My score: LOUD NOISES!

A person.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Foxtrot
This week they are just trying to have fun but they don’t get any judge advice.  How are they to have fun?  She’s feeling the pressure and she’s crumbling because she’s weak.  John Waters comes in to rehearsal to be weird and creepy and say nice things.  

They dance to Phil Collins’ “Easy Lover.”  They put her in a bad prom dress and dress Derek up like Max Headroom.  The gay judge said, “It didn’t gel.”  The lady judge didn’t like the choreography because they threw in ‘80s dances.  The old judge said, “No one likes funk like I do.  It’s not really a move I appreciate in the Foxtrot.  It wasn’t your best dance but it wasn’t your worst.”  Great way to end the show.

My score: A whimper.
****

Monday, October 17, 2011

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

I finally saw Bridesmaids recently.  I thought it was good, not great.  The line I laughed the hardest at was when John Hamm said, “That cop talks weird.”

LSU has a defensive end named Barkevious Mingo. I feel like his name is racist. 

The NFL Network guys are the best pre-game show on TV, which isn't saying much.  The ESPN guys are awful and aren't willing to criticize anyone since they'll eventually hire half the league.  Howie is the only tolerable one on Fox and CBS is, well, CBS where everything always feels mediocre and half-assed.

The Discover Card’s “Peggy” commercials are a little played, but I like the new one where Peggy gets Kirk Herbstreit's name and address confused. 

The Colts-Bengals game is hard to watch not only because the teams are bad, but because the Bengals uniforms are awful.  

It's much easier to bail on your team’s game to watch a more interesting matchup when they are 0-5. In fact, it’s much easier to bail on the entire NFL.  Especially when the Irish don't play that same weekend. 

What I’m saying is that I had trouble focusing on football this weekend.

The Lions finally played someone good and guess what happened.  This team has a ton of talent and should really be blowing people out, but they are not.  Verdict?The Lions are poorly coached. 

I’m taking Harbaugh’s side in the whole coach skirmish thing.  Mostly because I think Schwartz is an overrated idiot who got completely out-coached by Harbaugh in that game.

Being a sports photographer seems like it would be an awesome way to see a game, but you'd have to be behind your camera at all of the best moments. 

I sure do hope Jets fans are taking advantage of the bye week to completely freak out about their team.  That is one fanbase that really knows how to freak out.

When teams have a long time starting quarterback with a double digit number, they should force the backups to also have a double digit number so it's not so jarring to watch the team play when the starter goes down. Isn't it weird watching the Colts with a quarterback wearing #7?  Wouldn’t it be weird to see Hoyer (#8) played for the Pats?

Force the Cowboys to wear their blue jerseys and you'll win every time.  Belichick knows what he’s doing.

I feel like we've seen a lot more gruesome injuries this season than we have in any other season I can remember and we're not even halfway through.  Dislocated elbows, broken legs, broken ankles flopping all over the place.  I can’t wait to enroll my kids in soccer.

Why is there large hole in the one end of the Pats' stadium?  Is that the entrance for Bill Belichick’s head?

If they are going to change the kickoff to the 35, I think they should also change the touchback rule so that if the player touches the ball and it rolls out the back of the end zone it's a safety.  They should penalize those players for muffing the catch.

On kickoffs, if you can’t kick the football through the back of the end zone then kick it out of bounds but whatever you do, DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO DEVIN HESTER!  Seriously, wouldn’t you rather give a struggling Bears offense better field position than risk Hester scoring a touchdown?


Wheel of Fortune is still on TV.  That show is exactly a year older than me.  It’s one of the few things that have lasted my entire lifetime.

Also, who are the idiots who buy vowels on that show?  That said, I would totally buy a vowel if one of the words in the puzzle used ‘Y’ as a vowel.  Now that I think about it, I bet they don’t ever use words that have ‘Y’ as a vowel.  If someone were to request a ‘Y’ as a consonant they would have to deny them, right?  I bet they just completely avoid it.  Those devious bastards.
****

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Friday Roundup

Boom.  Fall just showed up and smacked us all in the face.  By “us all” I mean people in Chicago.  Break out the long sleeves.  Also, break out the Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:

Tuesday:
Chynna Phillips may have suffered brain damage in this week’s Dancing With the Stars review

Thursday:
I explained to the world the difference between role and roll

Tweet of the Week
From Bob Walicki
Andy Reid has seen some signs of progress. e.g. The offense is getting much better at tackling and pursuit angles. #Eagles
See it here.

Video of the Week
Crazy synchronized gymnastics.  It starts to get real good around the one minute mark.


****

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Roll vs. Role

Roll vs. role.  Everyone screws this up but no one talks about it.  If you haven’t guessed by the way they are spelled, they are two different words with two different meanings.  That seems obvious but many people don’t seem to know this.  It drives me crazy.  Well, more crazy.

Roll
A roll is something you eat with dinner.  Or before dinner.  Sometimes you put butter on them.  They can often be delicious.  In this case, roll is a noun.
In a sentence: I’m going to rub butter all over this roll and eat the shit out of it.
Roll is also an action.  It’s what a ball does when you kick it or push it across the ground.  You can roll down a hill.  Here, roll is a verb.
In a sentence: If you roll that ball over here, I’m going to rub butter all over it and eat the shit out of it.
You can also be on a roll.  This is when things have been going your way for a while.  “On a roll” is an idiom.
In a sentence: I’ve eaten six balls in a row and I’m feeling great.  I’m on a roll, baby.

Role
A role is a part in a play or movie or TV show.  Actors play roles.  Roles are not edible, nor are they delicious.  A noun.
In a sentence: Bryan Cranston plays the role of Walter White on the TV show Breaking Bad.  You should watch this show.
A role can also describe a function that a person fulfills on a team or at a job.  Also a noun.
In a sentence: Peyton Manning’s role with the Colts is to basically coach the entire team, which is why I've cried every Sunday this football season.  

Do you see the difference?  It’s a pretty big difference and there really should be no way you could mix up these two words.  Especially now that I’ve explained it to you.  You’re welcome.
****

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 4 - A Review

It’s only week four.  Week four.  Are you kidding me?  It feels like Week Shoot-Me-In-the-Face.  I guess Jay Cutler wasn’t Kristin Cavallari’s good luck charm because she went home last week.  That’s what happens when you mess with Beyoncé.

The “stars” will be dancing to movie scores this week.  Not only does this show get to ruin my Monday night, they also take that opportunity to ruin good movies.

During the intro, Chynna Phillips keeps trying to make the heart symbol with her hands and every time she just manages to make an “O” instead.  Does she have brain damage?

Because the feel like they absolutely have to fill two whole hours no matter what, they open the show with a dance to a montage of movie music by the pros.  They have managed to make lightsabers boring.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Tango
She will be dancing to the Mission: Impossible theme.  The mission, if Tony chooses to accept it is to get Chynna — a native English speaker — to understand English.  Seriously.  She’s dumb as rocks.  She can’t follow instructions.  Or count.  Or tell left from right.  

Tony is lowered down from the rafters Tom Cruise style.  They then perform one of the most awkward dances I’ve ever seen in my life.  Chynna completely forgets the routine.  She goes blank, or rather, she remains blank.  The old judge said, “It all went up the Swanee River.”  Is that British for it sucked?  The gay judge said, “You were slash and burn hot but you lost the glove.”  Amen, brother.  The lady judge claims that Chynna lost her place but not her composure.  Really?  Stopping and standing in the middle of the routine is not losing your composure?  They then joke about how this isn’t a serious competition which is something I’ve been saying forever.  The judges give her all sevens because the scores clearly mean nothing.

My score: Only the good rock stars die young.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Paso Doble
Dyslexic or just can't tell left from right?
David will dance to the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  He reveals that he has dyslexia and that causes him to struggle with left and right.  Is that how dyslexia works?  At least I don’t have to worry about him reading my reviews.

David is, of course, wearing a bad approximation of the Indiana Jones hat.  He does this awesome thing where he dances terribly and then suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to puff out his chest.  It’s like some kind of drunk, exotic bird’s mating dance.  He stumbles at the end and nearly breaks Kym’s back over his knee.  Because they fill the studio with the dumbest people alive, the crowd loves it.  The gay judge said, “I love the way you crack your whip, tight muscles and tight pants.  Work on your turns.”  He is on point tonight.  The lady judge loved every minute of it.  The old judge liked his attitude but thought the rest was a “temple of doom.”  Then the judges fight.  

My score: Idniaan Jnose.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Viennese Walz
They are dancing to “The Curse of the Black Pearl” from Pirates of the Caribbean.  Anna brings in an enormous, muscly guy to teach them how to fight with swords.  Carson hits on the guy the whole time.  He’s confident he can pull off the pirate thing because pirates are basically “men in tight pants and low cut shirts looking for jewelry.”  Indeed.

They give Carson a fake goatee for the dance.  I’d wear a disguise if I danced like that, too.  Everyone is terrible this week and it’s delightful.  Maybe that will finally get this show cancelled.  The lady judge says it was like being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride “but weirder.”  The old judge said, “It’s like childbirth, terrible when it’s happening and a joy when it’s over.”  He adds, “It was great fun.  If I was at home I’d be phoning for you.”  The gay judge simply said, “Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Revenge of the Gay Blade.  You lost your steps but it was fun.”  Gay judge is on fire tonight.

My score: How am I supposed to top “Revenge of the Gay Blade?”

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Paso Doble
Nancy will be forced to dance to the theme from Flash Gordon.  Tristan visits her at her show and asks her to show the attitude on the floor that she gives on the show.  She thinks the aggression that she learned in law school and the courtroom will help her with this dance.  No, learning how to dance will help you with this dance.

Strangely, there’s no weird lead in to the dance.  She’s just wearing lots of gold and red.  This is the weirdest song in the world to dance to.  Especially when you have to do so much weird posing and strutting.  Someone is deliberately sabotaging this show.  I love that person.  The old judge thinks “The dancing is competent but there’s no excitement.”  The gay judge tells Nancy, “You have to be a ball breaker out there.”  The lady judge wants the other judges to give Nancy more credit.  I still want to know who the hell she is.

My score: Tom Selleck.  She’s Tom Selleck in drag, right?

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Foxtrot
Hope will be dancing to “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story.  Am I the only person in this world who has not seen this movie?  Probably.  Anyway, Maks yells and fights with her just like he always does with his partners.  Even the brain dead people who like this show have to be getting sick of it.  

They’re all dressed up in cowboy outfits.  Unfortunately, they cover up Hope’s legs.  She is easily the best of the night because she’s the only one who didn’t look like she was completely lost the whole time.  The gay judge loved it and said “nice” a lot.  The lady judge said, “It made me smile the whole way through.”  The old judge tells her, “You could go all the way in this competition.”  Then he gets real mad lectures her about needing to work harder and longer in the rehearsal room and he swears.  The old man is cranky tonight, folks.  So is the old judge.

My score: Not enough leg.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Paso Doble
Rob gets the Superman theme.  He feels like he can relate to Clark Kent because he is shy and uncomfortable.  He also wears fake glasses.  He thinks that people think he’s a loser.  He’s right.  He wants to prove everyone wrong.  He’s working so hard, guys.  So hard.

There’s no way they’ll have him rip off his nerdy glasses and suit to reveal a Superman costume, right?  No way.  That’s just too much.  The dance is stompy and weird but at least he looks like he’s remembered the routine.  Wait, they did it!  They ripped open his shirt to reveal a K.  I just can’t believe they actually did it.  Special moment, everyone.  Lady judge said, “I likes the way you move.  You’re steady in the ballroom.”  Gay judge, “It’s time to leave Smallville and take on the world.  You have to believe in yourself more.”  That was Superman’s problem, too.  The old judge said, “I didn’t mind it, but I can’t go into raptures about it.”    Why does everyone on the show spend so much time trying to subvert the old judge’s dislike of everything that sucks?  He’s the only one with any real perspective.

My score: Superdouche

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Tango
Ricki and Derek will be dancing to the theme from Psycho.  Really?  It’s no surprise that Derek is having trouble choreographing a routine to this crazy song.  Ricki struggles with the technique of the Tango and she wants to quit.  She breaks down.  Is anyone surprised that she sheds the first tears?

I thought the Flash Gordon theme was a weird song to dance to.  This is nearly impossible.  I love that they are doing this to the dancers.  Anyway, I’m bored and Megatron just scored a touchdown.  The Bears are in trouble.  The crowd gives Nancy a standing O.  The old judge said, “You’re like the US Mail, you always deliver.”  The gay judge calls it “A blockbusting performance worthy of three sequels.”  The lady judge simply said, “Brilliance in the ballroom.  Done.”  Ricki gets the first two tens of the season.

My score: Flash!  Ahhhh-AHHHH!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Paso Doble
Fly, little birdie.
You knew Chaz was going to get the Rocky theme.  When he was a young girl, he wanted to be just like Rocky.  Lacey wants the dance to feel like they are in the boxing ring the whole time.  Because she is concerned about Chaz’s endurance, Lacey brings in Richard Simmons to help train him.  Holy shit, Richard Simmons looks awful.  Is he dying?  Does he have cancer?

Oh sweet god.  Chaz is going after it.  He’s laying it all out there and it is hilarious.  Have you ever seen a pigeon that is too fat to fly?  That’s Chaz Bono in this routine.  You need to find a clip of this on YouTube.  The gay judge said, “In the true spirit of Rocky, no matter how many hits you take you keep coming back and getting stronger.”  The lady judge cries because he gets “under her skin.”  The old judge said, “It wasn’t a knockout performance but it was your best dance to date.”  They’ve completely given up on giving him notes.

My score: Seriously, find a clip of this dance online.  NOW.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Foxtrot
J.R. will dance to the Pink Panther theme.  Karina is pushing him hard this week because she knows she’s got the best partner.  She brings in another professional ballroom dancer to help teach him how to dance — a dude.  Is that fair?  Shouldn’t that be cheating or something?

He’s dressed in a pink tux and top hat.  Also, he’s wearing a fake mustache.  Can he even grow a real one?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you never had to shave?  Not if you had to survive a horrible explosion, I guess.  The lady judge said, “I thought it was okay.  It fell a little flat for me.”  The old judge said, “This was the best male dance of the night.  This is fabulous.”  He’s not even bothering to hide his disdain for the other judges.  The gay judge said, “You can do it all, you’re great.”  No one is going to critique this guy, either.

My score: Why does the lady judge hate America?
****

Monday, October 10, 2011

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


I’ll waste no time getting to my weekend football thoughts and other stuff.  Wait, I just wasted time didn’t I?  Dang.

After yesterday’s victory, I bet the Raiders wish Al Davis could die every week.

Also, RIP Al Davis.

Guys, Tim Tebow might already be the best quarterback the NFL has ever seen.

Unwatchable.
There’s a very good chance that my daughter’s first words will be “Ruthie, no!”

With the exception of Wisconsin and Denard Robinson, Big Ten football is completely unwatchable.

Right now it looks like there are three college teams that are way better than the rest of the nation.  LSU, Alabama and Oklahoma.  Wisconsin is a close four, but after that the drop-off is pretty steep.  

I know that we want our burgers to be hot and juicy, Wendy’s, but we don’t want to eat something that is actually called “Hot & Juicy.”

It’s hard not to think “cheater” when you see an Ohio State player with a tattoo.

Announcers, it’s time to stop freaking out about teams using their timeouts early in the first half.  Each team gets three more in the second half.

NFL Fact: Coming in to Sunday, Pat Angerer of the Indianapolis Colts led the league in tackles.  Who says you never learn anything from these posts?  

No politician, political party or movement could possibly threaten the future of our nation more than the Kardashian family.  I’m not joking.

What in the hell is JLo doing at the end of that Fiat commercial?  Did the director ask her to punch two ghosts?

Notre Dame beat Air Force 59-33 on Saturday.  Thanks to the Internet I now know that there are many Notre Dame fans who are unsatisfied with the victory.  This is exactly why I never go to fan message boards.  They are always a huge bitch fest and they love to play the “what if” game.  What if Air Force hadn’t fumbled on the first drive?  What if they’d ruled Michael Floyd’s touchdown incomplete?  What if we replaced Air Force’s quarterback with a giant boxing robot controlled by Hugh Jackman?  The “what if” game is stupid on so many levels that I don’t even want to waste your time with telling you why.

How did Taylor Martinez become the starting quarterback at Nebraska when it is clear that no one has ever taught him how to throw a football?

Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth are so good partially because they are not afraid of silence.  The Monday Night crew could learn a few things about silence.

I need Curtis Painter to be bad this season.  The last thing I want is for the Colts to think that they are just fine at the quarterback position and not draft a top-tier replacement for Peyton Manning.

In order to get his new sitcom, I think Tim Allen walked in to ABC and said, “I think everyone’s forgotten about all of my old jokes, let’s do them all again.”

If you didn’t know I was being sarcastic about Tim Tebow, you’re a dummy.  Or not a football fan.  
****

Friday, October 07, 2011

The Friday Roundup

I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed.  Good thing my blog knows to post this in the morning which is right now to you.  Or it’s the afternoon in case you’re reading this in the afternoon, or it’s the evening if you’re reading this in the evening.  So, good morning.  Also, I went to bed last night not right now.  So, Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
I gave you my weekend football thoughts and other things, a new weekly feature. 

Tuesday:
My review of week three of Dancing With the Stars

Thursday:
I gave you another dose of the 750 words I write every morning.  

Tweet of the Week
In honor of Steve Jobs.

I don’t care when Mexicans do it, but I hate God for taking our Jobs.
See it here

Video of the Week
This dude is one crazy dancer.


****

Thursday, October 06, 2011

750 Words -- My Thing


As I mentioned before, I write 750 words every morning on a site called 750words.com.  It’s often a bunch of nonsense but some days I hit on something that is a little fun.  I posted a portion of one of my entries in the post linked above and now I’m going to do it again.  Enjoy.

---

Oh man.  Today is another one of those days.  I feel super tired.  I had trouble waking up this morning and I was really, really tired last night before I went to bed.  In fact, I probably should have just gone straight to sleep instead of reading for a while, but reading is what I do before bed.  It's my thing.  Not really.  If reading before bed was my official thing then I would be pretty fucking lame.  Reading before bed is just about the lamest thing in the world to have as your thing.  Can we think of something lamer than that to have as your thing?  Breathing?  Walking around?  Walking around could be kinda cool depending upon how you do it.  If you have a leather jacket and a baseball bat or an automatic weapon while you walk around it gets much cooler.  However, I'm not sure that people would say your thing is walking around in that case.  They'd probably say that the gun toting or baseball bat toting was your thing.  So yeah, walking around would be pretty lame to have as your thing.  Thinking?  No, that can be cool -- especially if it's your thing.  You know, thinking was Albert Einstein's thing.  That was pretty cool.  Sitting?  Yeah, that would be lame.  Looking at things?  That's definitely lame to have as your thing.  Trimming your fingernails?  Yep.  Liking dogs?  Kinda.  Looking at dogs?  Creepy.  Eating?  Gross.  What else?  Writing?  Writing could be cool if it's your thing and you're good at it.  It could also be really lame if you're not good at it and you still think it's your thing.  Am I describing myself?  No, I don't think that writing is my thing.  It's one of my things, sure.  But it's not uppercase My Thing.  I have a lot of things but I don't really know what My Thing is.  Should we decide that right now?  I sure do hope My Thing is not being funny because I'm not very good at that.  Sure, I'm funny.  I'm not professionally funny, though.  I make no money from being funny.  So I hope that's not My Thing because it really is the thing of people like say, Louis CK and Chris Rock and any other number of professional comedians.  So let's not call that My Thing.  Some people at work might think that My Thing is working out.  I will not claim that as My Thing, though.  There are way too many other dudes that have claimed that.  Most of them live in Jersey.  They take steroids and lift way too much weight and don't eat anything but supplements.  That's not me.  I will not claim working out as My Thing.  Computers?  I know a lot about computers.  I can fix and make them do more than most people.  That makes me good at using computers but it doesn't make it My Thing.  There are people out there who can make their computer go into other people's computers who don't want them in their computers and then they can root around in other people's computers and do things that those other people may not want them to do on their computers.  I can't do that.  I don't even know where to start.  I have an idea, but no real incentive or reason to do so.  Less than that, I don't even ever really use the command line on any of my computers unless I'm following directions directly off the Internet on how to use it.  Though, I did just use the term “command line” and that’s pretty computer nerdy.  Anyway, anyone can follow command line directions from the Internet.  So, not My Thing.  What else?  Improv?  Nope.  Kinda, yeah, but nope.  No one in the improv community would be all, "Jeff Ford, that guy is improv.  He's got this shit down."  There are lots and lots of people for whom improv is their thing and those people are way better at it than me.  Now, don't get confused.  I'm not saying that I have to be the best at something for that thing to be My Thing.  I'm just not sure that those things could be My Thing because it belongs to so many other people who have really taken it to a different level.  Plus, I’m not willing to hang out at iO 24/7 — that’s a requirement for making improv Your Thing in Chicago.  I’ve taken those things to a certain level but not a different level.  To an outsider it might seem like I've taken it to a different level, but the insiders know better.  Anyway, I'm not willing to call either of those things My Thing.  Especially because I'll eventually stop doing improv.  I know this already.  Loving my daughter?  That could definitely be My Thing.  I know that is also a lot of people's thing but I'm okay with that.  I'm more than ready to love the absolute shit out of my daughter.  Hell, I'm already doing it.  I went into her room this morning while she was sleeping to get my clothes for work (my clothes are all in the closet in her room) and she looked up at me in the dark, dark, darkness of the room because she has some kind of super night vision and it was just about the best thing ever.  I had to reach into the crib and stroke her head and face and then rub her back and try to put her back to sleep.  So yeah, that could be My Thing.  Maybe looking for My Thing is My Thing.
****

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 3 - A Review


Elisabetta Canales went home last week.  You can’t be pretty and a bitch and expect people to like you.  Am I the only person in America who is sick of Kardashians?

This week the “stars” tell the story of the most memorable year of their life through their dance.  Brooke tells us to prepare our tissues.  Why?  Everyone else’s story is going to pale in comparison to the wounded soldier’s tale of sacrifice.  Kristin Cavallari is going to tell the tale of that one time when her spray tan was a little splotchy.  

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Foxtrot
Rob most memorable year is the year his father passed away.  He even got a tattoo of his dad on his forearm.  You know, in case he forgets.  He’ll be dancing to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To the Moon” because it was one of his dad’s favorite songs.  

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Kardashian think and man is he really thinking hard about this dance.  I can almost see the think waves flying off of him.  I bet he moves his lips when he reads.  After the dance, they cut to his family giving a standing ovation, except Kim is not standing.  Maybe she doesn’t know the dance is over.  The old judge says, “You just put the ‘dash’ in Kardashian.”  The gay judge compares him to Guys and Dolls but Rob has no idea what that is.  Neither do I.  The lady judge like it because he improves every week.  Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?  

My score: I have Post Traumatic Kardashian Disorder.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Rhumba
An awful person
Surprise!  Her most memorable year was the year she released her only hit song.  She was also drinking and doing drugs.  Then she got clean and married Billy Baldwin.  So many mistakes.  I’m sure you’re not surprised that she’s dancing to her own song, “Hold On.”  During rehearsal, she breaks down crying.  Why?  Because she released a hit song and married another star?  Does she realize that J.R. suffered permanent physical (and presumably psychological) damage serving his country?

I’d forgotten how bad this song is — especially when this band covers it.  Her dance feels like dance by numbers.  It’s like his partner is afraid to let her dance full speed.  BUT WAIT!  She did the dramatic fist clench that everyone uses to make fun of people trying to be dramatic!  There is nothing too cheesy for this show!  NOTHING!  The gay judge said, “You belong in a museum.”  I think he meant insane asylum.  The lady judge told her, “You are stunning to watch.  It’s like butter.”  Yes, she’s like stunning butter.  The old judge said that she’s “going to be here for weeks and weeks.”  God, I hope not.  During her interview she says dance for the people who have “come over from the darkness into the light.”  Zombies?

My score: Everything is awful.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Rhumba
I bet you would never have guessed that he’s going to be dancing to one of his father’s songs, “Laugh At Me.”  He’s chosen this past year as his most memorable year because he’s finally happy.  He claims it’s his theme song.  I’m sure he was under zero pressure to dance to one of his parents’ songs.

I hate to speak ill of the dead (no I don’t), but this song is terrible.  It’s Sonny Bono doing a bad Bob Dylan impression.  In fact, it’s a complete rip off of Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone.”  He just changed the lyrics.  The lady judge says that she’s “touched by his courage.”  The old judge says it was the best dance he’s seen him do.  The gay judge talks about how hard the Rhumba is but doesn’t really give him any notes.  The judges have given up.  They’re just waiting for him to get voted off.
My score: Can Dylan sue Bono even though he’s dead?

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Samba
Kristin’s most memorable year?  2005, the year she graduated high school and moved to LA to pursue her career, such as it is.  She’s dancing to Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” because, you know, it’s a song.  

She looks uncomfortable and lost because Mark throws in every Beyoncé dance move he can think of.  With the exception of my wife, skinny white girls can’t dance like Beyoncé.  The old judge liked everything but the Beyoncé stuff, which was practically all of it.  The gay judge and lady judge both liked it.  After the dance, they show Jay Cutler in the audience.  Cue the Bears fans freak out!
My score: Seriously, guys.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Tango
“It’s My Life” by No Doubt.  Carson’s most memorable year was the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out.  He said it was the first time he felt comfortable with himself.  He had always been the dorky kid in school.  He’s dancing for “the dweeby kids that don’t get picked for sports.”  See, it gets better.

The dude might not be able to dance but he can whip his head around like he’s watching a tennis match on fast forward.  The gay judge says, “That was insanely brilliant.”  The lady judge says, “I love you because you brought us drama.”  The old judge says, “You put the ‘boy’ in ‘flamboyant’.”  Carson just pizazzed them into thinking he was good.

My score: Cardigan sweaters for everyone!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Rhumba
No surprise that his most memorable year was the year that he was injured and the depression he suffered.  Not fair, this is actual pain and suffering that I can’t make fun of.  He’ll be dancing to Tim McGraw’s “If You’re Reading This” which is about a dead soldier who has written a letter home to his family.  I’ll say one thing about country music artists: they really know how to pander to their fan base.

A good person
Again, he looks like the only dancer who knows what he’s doing.  He makes it nice and slow and boring and you can practically see the judges peeing with excitement.  The crowd goes wild.  He gets emotional after the dance.  The lady judge is choked up and struggles to say anything.  She ends up thanking him for his dance.  The old judge tells him that he dances at a level that is “completely unexpected.”  Then he dares to criticize him for something.  The crowd drags him away and begins eating his limbs.  The gay judge says something unintelligible and calls him “my darling.”

My score: 9

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Waltz
Nancy decides that she’s going to dance to “Moon River.”  Does that mean we’re going to see her ass this week?  She tells the story of being pregnant with her twins when her lungs and heart started filling up with fluid.  Wait, is she the lady from Kate Plus Eight?  No?  She didn’t know if she or her children were going to survive.  They survived and now she has to dance.

What a weird fucking song to dance to.  So weird that I had to switch over to the Colts game for several minutes.  I’m assuming that we did not get to see her “moon river.”  I just grossed myself out.  The old judge tells her to get the “ballroom stretch.”  I can only assume that’s some sort of innuendo.  The gay judge thought she was “soft and dreamy.”  The lady judge was “transported” and said it felt like a “live action lullaby.”  Isn’t a live action lullaby just someone singing a lullaby?

My score: Colts 10, Bucs 0

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Rhumba
We already know her story.  Her house burned down and she met her husband in the same year which is this year.  She told herself she would never get married and never do Dancing With the Stars.  Now she’s doing both.  Is this what we’ve come to?  Do desperate “stars” sit around telling themselves that they won’t do Dancing With the Stars?  She’s dancing to “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.

What is this song?  It’s part “Little Drummer Boy” and part whiny, angst-y, whiny girly song.  Ugh.  She’s acting too hard, but she comes just short of doing the dramatic fist clench.  The gay judge compares it to a poem.  Not any specific poem, just a poem.  The lady judge says “Ricki Lake is on FIIIII-YO!”  It just got stree in here.  The old judge congratulates the pro on a great routine and Ricki on dancing it so well.   

My score: Ricki dance like poem.  Me like.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Hope’s most memorable year was also this year because of the Women’s World Cup.  In case you weren’t paying attention, they lost the final to Japan.  This was the first time she realized sports aren’t always about winning.  Only losers say that.  She’ll be dancing to “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias.  Maks struggles with getting her to dance sexy and does this by calling her “a big girl.”  Had he ever met a woman before this show?

Hope’s interpretation of sexy involves constant and overstated pouty lips.  The lady judge and gay judge agree that she needs to work on her sexy walk.  Walk?  How about the dance?  The old judge thought the routine was too provocative but her best dance so far.  I thought it was weird and Curtis Painter is terrible.  

My score: Being sexy and dancing sexy are two very different things.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Rhumba
Everyone’s most memorable year was this past year.  His marriage fell apart and he drank too much.  I wish one of the “stars” would have said that Dancing With the Stars is their most memorable part of the year and gotten all meta on us.  Anyway, he’s better now and loves his daughter and stuff.  He’ll be dancing to “Ooh Child.”  

We really don’t need to see David Arquette’s bare chest.  We’d much rather see Kym Johnson’s bare chest.  Instead, we get to see her in a trumped up bathing suit.  This band manages to butcher songs that are tailor made for them.  The old judge thought he did a great job and says it’s the best dance he’s done.  The gay judge says he brought “vulnerability and sensitivity.”  The lady judge says, “Very nice comeback.”

My score: Open your mouth when you speak.
****

Monday, October 03, 2011

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


I make an effort to not post about football since I have the impression that the people who read this aren’t really interested in football.  Guess what.  I like football and I’m going to write about it.  In fact, I’m going to make every Monday post during the football season a “Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things” post.  The title pretty much says it all.  You’ll get some football and you’ll get some other stuff.

Also, how about the new layout?  Like it?  Don’t like it?  Let me know what you think in the comments or on Facebook or Twitter.

Late in the third quarter of the Notre Dame-Purdue game I said to my wife, “Maybe Purdue should stick to making boilers because this football thing doesn’t seem to be working out.”  The Irish finally put everything together and blasted the Boilermakers 38-10.  I was happy, but I would rather they play afternoon games so that I don’t have to worry about my cheering waking up the baby.

Two of the most interesting match-ups (#8 Nebraska at #7 Wisconsin and #3 Alabama at #12 Florida) of the day just happened to be scheduled at the same time as the Notre Dame game.  With my old TiVo this wasn’t a problem as I could bounce quickly between three games with little trouble.  However, I recently had my receiver replaced with one of Directv’s own models.  It was a fucking nightmare to try to flip between three games.  Plus, the receiver reacts about three seconds after I press a button on the remote, so I have to anticipate the end of the play in the game I’m watching in order to maximize my experience.  In the end, this “upgrade” managed to set me back about five years.  Thankfully, all three games got out of hand real fast so there wasn’t much urgency.  All I’m asking is to watch three games at once on one TV, I think that’s reasonable.

If you’ve only ever experienced the DVR of your cable or satellite company and never used TiVo, you don’t know what you are missing.  TiVo puts those DVRs to shame.  TO SHAME!

I don’t care how much you paid for that perfume, nothing smells better than Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.

Remember when offensive linemen had to remain still as a statue prior to the snap?  Now they’re twisting and pointing and adjusting their feet and generally flailing around like failed So You Think You Can Dance contestants.  How do the refs even know when someone jumps offsides?

I’ve completely given up hope that offensive linemen will ever again line up on the line of scrimmage.
ESPN kept cutting away from the Notre Dame game for updates they called “SportsCenter Right Now” and would consistently show highlights from games that were already over.  I get enough lying from my politicians, I don’t need it from my sports networks, too.

Are there really two shows based on fairy tales this fall?

The Colts didn’t play yesterday so I was free to watch any game I wanted during the two Sunday slots.  Of course, it works out that there were absolutely zero interesting match-ups all day.  I decided to tune in to the game Gus Johnson was calling.  Unfortunately, even Gus couldn’t make Vikings-Chiefs sound exciting.  Those teams are awful.

As a football fan who lives in Chicago, I feel the need to watch a good portion of the Bears game each week.  Each week I thank God that I’m not a Bears fan.  That team plays an unwatchable brand of football.  I feel like they win by accident.

On the other hand, if Directv had a Devin Hester Returns Kicks Alert, I’d switch to the Bears game every time that popped up.

Yes, I know the Colts are absolutely painful to watch this year.

If you want to talk to me about your Fantasy Football team, I’ll probably listen politely and even engage you a bit but just know that I’m rolling my eyes inside.

Also, I think Fantasy Football has completely destroyed most people’s ability to honestly evaluate players.  Especially Tony Romo.

Why is J-Lo famous again?  I thought we were rid of her.

So everyone is just okay with an NFL in which Sanchez and Flacco aren’t in danger of losing their jobs to the next guy?

On that note, why do so many people seem to root for dudes like Cam Newton and Tim Tebow to fail?  You’d think we’d root for every new QB to be the best thing ever.  Wouldn’t the NFL be so much more fun to watch?

Bob Costas is a fantastic guest on Dave Letterman’s show but he’s pretty much intolerable anywhere else.

I’m sure NFL coaches find it comforting that if they don’t find a job with a team, they can always do Coors commercials that make them look like complete idiots.  
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