The schedule this weekend was awful. It may have turned out a few good games, but there was nothing that anyone would want to watch unless they were a fan of the team. I’ll break it down:
Dolphins at Giants — Ugh. The Dolphins may very well be the worst team in football in a year when there are a lot of teams contending for that title. Why would anyone (especially Dolphins fans) want to watch them play?
Jaguars at Texans — Does anyone ever want to watch either of these teams? They feel like cartoon versions of real NFL teams.
Colts at Titans — The Colts are giving the Dolphins a serious run for their money as the worst team in the league. More on this later.
Vikings at Panthers — I’ll give you a pass if you watched this simply because you wanted to see Cam Newton play. If you’re a Vikings fan, I’m sorry that your franchise has wasted Adrian Peterson’s best years.
Saints at Rams — The Rams made this the one early game worth watching but no one tuned in until the second half at the earliest.
Cardinals at Ravens — The Cardinals are not good. Even after they took a 24-6 lead at halftime, I said to myself, “This is going to be Whisenhunt’s ‘We are who we thought they were’ moment.” You just knew the Ravens were coming back.
Lions at Broncos — If you were surprised by this game becoming a blowout, you’re an idiot. You probably also think Tim Tebow will save the Broncos. In fact, if you watched this game simply to see Tim Tebow, you are failing as a football fan.
Redskins at Bills — Mike Shanahan has lost it. The game has passed him by. Joe Paterno is still winning but the sport has passed Mike Shanahan by at light speed. The Bills are a good story and they’ve changed their awful uniforms so you get a pass for watching this one even though the Redskins are a mess.
Patriots at Steelers — One of two interesting games of the day. It was actually a good game. I did learn that the Packers would kill either of these teams.
Browns at 49ers — The 49ers are a mirage. The Browns are real and they are mediocre. Hope you enjoyed this stinker.
Bengals at Seahawks — The Bengals are doing that thing where they have a good season and barely miss the playoffs or lose horribly in the first round of the playoffs. Then Marvin Lewis will get to keep his job and they’ll play a tougher schedule next year and go back to being 5-11. It’s just what they do.
Cowboys at Eagles — A good matchup until the Eagles decided to finally play like everyone expected them to play and the Cowboys decided to let Romo keep playing quarterback.
Chargers at Chiefs — Wait, the Chiefs have three wins? What? I’m sure ESPN is pitching this as some kind of battle for the division lead. Gross. It’s a lie. The Chargers are going to run away with this division.
Two games worth watching. Two. The NFL still manages to be the most popular sport in America.
Pro tip: Don’t go to Six Flags during Fright Fest. You’ll wait in line for over two hours and then have to leave because your wife has to pump and it will ruin her whole birthday celebration. At least you’ll get a funnel cake on the way out, though.
After a bad loss to USC and a week of ridiculous drama, Notre Dame beat the fuck out of Navy 56-14. And yet. And yet, it’s not good enough for some fans, I’m sure. I’m sure they’re on the message boards complaining that we dared to throw a pass during the game.
It’s really looking like the Colts might not win a single game this year. If that is the case, I do not think they should pick Andrew Luck. They need to trade that pick for buckets and buckets of picks and draft an entire defense. Preferably, that defense would be made up of a combination of players from Alabama and LSU. There will be another quarterback they can draft in a few years while these young defensive players learn the game. Christ, this team is a mess.
It seems like you’ve always known how to eat, but you haven’t.
Instead of “bend, don’t break” the Colts defense is playing “break, stay broken.”
Speaking of Alabama-LSU, James Brown promoted the matchup by calling it, “This year’s game of the century.”
Michael Vick bought a parrot. That’s the kind of thing you discover during a blowout. Is anyone else worried about his new parrot fighting ring? Does anyone else kinda want to see a parrot fighting ring?