Chynna Phillips went home last week because, you know, brain damage. This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
It’s 80s week because they hate me.
They open the show with a live performance of “Eternal Flame” by whatever band sings “Eternal Flame.” Wait, no. It’s an “Eternal Flame”, “Walk Like an Egyptian” medley. Ah, it must be The Bangles. You’d never guess that they have a new album that no one will buy.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Tango
This week the judges are telling us what each contestant needs to do to really step up their game for the second half of the season. They are not doing this to actually provide value to the contestants but merely because they need to fill time. The lady judge says that Hope just needs to work with Maks and be more feminine. We’re then treated to more of Hope and Maks bickering. Even Hope’s sexy can’t make up for the annoying fighting. Oh Christ, the Monday Night Football game is the Dolphins and the Jets. That’s almost worse than watching this show.
They dance to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.” The old judge tells her that she was “too willowy,” but that he liked her aggression. Time to get out your blender because someone is mixing signals. Oh god, what has this show done to me? The gay judge said, “I thought you got the 80s super bitch down to a T. You were strong, sexy and powerful.” The crowd didn’t know whether to boo or cheer. The lady judge started talking but the old judge kept interrupting to argue with her. Why doesn’t he just quit? He obviously hates this show and thinks the other judges are idiots. Of course, they all give her the same score.
My score: Make it stop.
Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Jive
|Too gay for this show or just gay enough?|
They dance to “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go” by Wham! He and his partner come out in cheerleading outfits complete with pom-pons. Yeah, it’s “pom-pons,” look it up. He messes up several times and nearly drops his partner when they try to do a stunt. I didn’t think it was possible, but I he’s too gay for this show. The gay judge said, “That was loopier than a looney tune.” Straight from the looney tune himself. The lady judge thought it “was definitely fun. I was watching Richard Simmons envy your outfit.” Is anyone shocked that Richard Simmons is there? The old judge said, “I like you, you know I like you. If I was judging with my heart you would be back next week, but we’re judging with our brains and I’m not sure that was good enough.”
My score: Two pom-pons.
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Rhumba
The old judge says that she loves that Nancy is a hard worker but he doesn’t “want to see an older lady trying to look like some young floozy. It doesn’t work.” Is that a crack about her showing her boob? I’m not sure how that qualifies as advice. She reveals that she was a cheerleader for her high school in the ‘80s. Instead of letting her partner teach her, she has decided that she knows what is best for this competition. She then immediately turns around and blames him for her not getting the dance. For someone who has made a career of placing blame, she sure does love to avoid it herself.
They dance to Spandau Ballet’s “True.” The lady judge doesn’t see her passion or connection to the dance. Maybe that’s because she only sees it with the young male contestants. Just sayin’. The old judge said, “It was simple but it was very effective. Very good job.” As always, if it’s super boring he loves it. The gay judge called it “sensuous, sexy” and “one of the best performances.” Brooke presides over an awkward interview not because she is a terrible interviewer (she still is, don’t worry) but because Nancy seems to think that she should also be choreographing the dance.
My score: Whoops, did I reveal that I know who she is?
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Samba
The gay judge says J.R. doesn’t do anything wrong but he doesn’t finish cleanly. I don’t know what that means. He feels like he has an advantage in the Samba because he’s Latin. You know, like the dead language. Karina decides that she’s going to push him so she takes him to a club where Sheila E is playing. Sheila E is playing clubs now? That seems right.
They dance to “Conga” by Gloria Estefan. He looks natural. He’s good. I’m not allowed to make fun of him even if he wasn’t. The crowd gives him a standing ovation. The old judge said, “If someone asked me how a man dances the Samba, I’d say, ‘Take a look at J.R.” The gay judge said, “Talk about hip action, you were like a loin shattering hip machine. The Kardashians are gagging.” Well said. The lady judge said, “That is the way a man dances a Samba.” A man or THE man?
My score: God bless Sheila E.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Rhumba
The old judge loves that Rob is growing and he wants to see Rob take command. Cheryl implores him to be sexy but he struggles. Romeo — of previous Dancing With the Stars fame — comes in to help him be sexy by shouting a bunch of random things at him. It’s like doucheapalooza.
They dance to Lionel Richie’s “Hello.” Sexy translates into him pawing Cheryl awkwardly on the dance floor and smacking himself in the belly several times. The gay judge said, “We finally see you using Cheryl as a partner.” Yes, dancing is all about making women into objects. The lady judge compares him to the tortoise in the Tortoise and Hare story by saying, “You took control of the woman.” Yep, that’s exactly how the story goes. The old judge said, “You took command.” Of the woman, yes. Are we in Iran?
My score: Burkas for everyone!
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Samba
The lady judge wants Chaz to push the limit and go for it. Lacey wants him to “bring the bigness.” Done. She brings in her father — who is a bigger guy — so he can see that big guys can shake it too. Her dad dances like a crazy man even though his pants are pulled all the way up to his nipples.
They dance to Kool and the Gang’s “Get Down On It.” Oh man, he works so hard and you can see every single second of him working. He can’t really dance but he sure can jiggle with the best of them. The lady judge said, “That was the most dancing I’ve seen you do in any of your routines.” Is that what you call it? The old judge said, “I like that you really gave it a go.” The gay judge gets up and dances.
My score: A for abomination.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Tango
The lady judge says that David is a leading man who doesn’t know it yet. Great advice. David thinks things are starting to click for him now. He’s then worried that they are going to get in trouble with the judges for breaking hold — whatever that means. He’s worried about rules. He’s lost it. He’s completely lost it.
They dance to “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell. Well, they’ve finally not dressed Kym at all. It’s fair to say that I won’t notice David at all during this dance. Somehow it’s still boring. How do they do that? The old judge said, “You have to show up or shut up. You have shown up and it was fantastic.” The gay judge said, “That was a tango with a rebel yell.” He knows they didn’t dance to Billy Idol, right? The lady judge wants him to work on his musicality. Then she argues with the old judge while Tom Bergeron yells at both of them. This show is a mess.
My score: LOUD NOISES!
This week they are just trying to have fun but they don’t get any judge advice. How are they to have fun? She’s feeling the pressure and she’s crumbling because she’s weak. John Waters comes in to rehearsal to be weird and creepy and say nice things.
They dance to Phil Collins’ “Easy Lover.” They put her in a bad prom dress and dress Derek up like Max Headroom. The gay judge said, “It didn’t gel.” The lady judge didn’t like the choreography because they threw in ‘80s dances. The old judge said, “No one likes funk like I do. It’s not really a move I appreciate in the Foxtrot. It wasn’t your best dance but it wasn’t your worst.” Great way to end the show.
My score: A whimper.