Brooke Burke breathed a sigh of relief when Carson Kressley went home because he’s much better at her job than she is.
It’s Broadway Week. You know, because every week has to have a damn theme now. The “stars” will be doing both a solo dance and a group dance. Yipee!
They open the show with a performance from the cast of Sister Act. Kristin Chenowith is also here because her new job is to appear on random reality contest shows.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Cha Cha
|His family will cut you.|
He dances to “Walk Like a Man” from Jersey Boys. If he’s a man now, he doesn’t have to walk like one. Men already walk like men. I know that Rob is 24 because I just looked it up, but he has decided to dance like he’s about 75. Cheryl is working her ass off which makes him look worse. After the dance, we see Cheryl’s nipple. Actually, just areola. The old jude said, “It was clean, it was precise.” I think he meant the dance, not the nipple. Then Rob’s big annoying sister shouted, “Give him a nine.” To which the old judge replied, “Dream on.” I knew I liked this guy. The gay judge told him that it was “adequate but didn’t have the impact and power.” The lady judge “saw much more charisma. You’re still an adolescent but not a child.” Then she backpedals because she’s afraid the Kardashians will have her whacked.
My score: I’m watching my back.
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Foxtrot
Nancy asks her partner to increase the difficulty of the routine and then spends the entire rehearsal complaining about the choreography. She tells her partner that she thinks that he’s trying to sabotage the routine by making it too hard. Yes, Nancy. Everyone is out to get you.
They are dancing to “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life” from Spamalot. I forgot they made a musical of the Monty Python sketches and movies. I’m not sure why anyone would do such a thing. Yes I do. Easy cash grab. The gay judge said, “Nancy Dancedalot with Sir Lancelot. Well done.” The lady judge said, “Well, you showed me didn’t you? I would call that a showstopper.” She showed you what? Her nipple? The old judge thought there was “much more personality, however, the posture and footwork wasn’t there.” Then he argued with the gay judge. When Brooke asks Tristan if he finds the show challenging, he says that Nancy is a pain in the ass without actually saying it.
My score: Listen, all y’all it’s a sabotage!
David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Quickstep
David loves Broadway and he’s really glad to do jazz hands this week. He then tells us that jazz hands aren’t just waving your hands, they are so much more than that. Save it for your autobiography, David. Don’t waste all the good stuff on a dance show.
They’re dancing to a song from “Grease” which means it will annoy the shit out of me the entire time. What’s new? Oh, it’s the one song where they use fake words to describe how everything should be. He dances like someone reached inside him and turned his weird levels up to 25. The lady judge said, “I thought you live up to the performance aspect but you were out of sync.” The old judge said, “It was what it was. It was a bit rough around the edges.” Don’t give up now, Old Judge. The gay judge says something about spring break and live wires. Does he go to torture camp for spring break?
My score: One single, delicate flower.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Quickstep
Surprise, it’s another actor who loves Broadway music. Quick, someone introduce me to an actor who doesn’t love Broadway. I don’t count. She’s worried that she’s not as good as J.R. News flash: you’re not as good as J.R.
They’re dancing to some song from “Guys and Dolls.” Nobody cares. They dress her in a long dress so you can’t see her feet screw everything up. Well played, costume people. The gay and lady judge gave her a standing ovation. The old judge said, “You don’t need luck if you’ve got talent. I loved it.” The gay judge said, “Impeccable style, dazzling choreography. Your interpretation of the music was beyond belief.” No, I completely believed it. The lady judge said, “It was amazing to watch.” I can’t believe she didn’t cry.
My score: Don’t forget her house burned down.
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Tango
Lacey is clearly very frustrated with Chaz and tells him that she can’t help him memorize the dance and leaves him alone to figure it out. Is there any doubt this will be a disaster? Lacey is the second of two pros who want out of this competition. I bet you can guess the first.
He’s dancing to a song from “Phantom of the Opera.” He’s predictably bad and the dance is really simple. Just like every single week. Someone put this guy out of his misery. The gay judge said, “It was like watching a cute little penguin trying to be a big, menacing bird of prey.” That’s one way to put it. The lady judge said, “This is the most aggressive I’ve seen you but we need more difficult choreography.” The old judge said, “The first rule of the show is to get through the routine. You did that.” Now they’re giving points for completeness?
My score: Put him out of his misery.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Rhumba
|Set Hope free.|
They dance to that counting song from Rent. Oh god. She’s trying so hard to be sexy you can see her thinking about it. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the Kardashians, it’s that thinking isn’t sexy. The lady judge said, “I see all the effort you’re putting in and I think it came out in moments but it goes against your natural feisty-ness.” Yes, sexy and feisty never go together. The old judge said, “I’m at a loss, really. I’ve never lost faith in you. It’s just never came out in your dance. This is your worst dance of the whole season.” When Maks urges the crowd to boo, the old judge told Maks it was his fault, too. Then all the judges yell at Maks for challenging them. When Brooke asked Maks about the fight Maks said, “This my show.” Case closed.
My score: Can we send two people home next week?
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Quickstep
Karina calls their routine “the most ambitious routine I’ve attempted on Dancing With the Stars.” Karina can see the trophy and she’s practically drooling all over it. J.R. works his ass off and doesn’t seem to have any trouble picking it up at all.
I have no idea what the song is they are dancing to. They’ve stopped telling us at this point. It’s some kind of ragtime, big band song. Again, he looks like he knows what he’s doing. He even does a cartwheel and it’s not one of those lame, bent leg, flopping around cartwheels. It’s no surprise that all of the judges loved it. For once everyone gets along.
My score: It’s a vote for America, America.
The Group Dance
Kevin Maher — whoever that is — comes in to choreograph a dance for the entire cast. They are all dancing together in one big routine. I think everyone realizes it’s not fair to saddle one team with Chaz so we won’t see competitive group dances until he’s gone. Rehearsal is basically chaos. Why did they wait until three seconds before the dance started to tell me the judges aren’t even giving scores for this?! I could have been doing anything else during this time. Assholes.