We’ve finally come to the end. Tonight is the last episode of the season (for my purposes) and it will be the last episode of Dancing With the Stars that I will watch. Ever. I quit. I’m not reviewing this show anymore. I’ve punished myself for too long and now it’s time for me to do something good for myself — like watch football.
Anyway, the dancers will probably be dancing about thirteen different dances tonight but the only one they mention is the Freestyle. Pretty sure that title is self explanatory. Not that I will be able to tell the difference.
Also, Hope went home last week. Despite her sexy legs I won’t miss her at all.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Cha Cha
The lady judge comes in to help Ricki be more sexy. This involves the lady judge pointing at Ricki’s face and saying, “Yeah.” Real deep stuff. Also, kinda unsexy.
Unless someone falls down, everyone is going to get a standing ovation after their song. That’s just how the finals works. The old judge said, “Good timing, good rhythm. It’s a dance deserving of the finals.” When did he get nice? The gay judge said, “Running at full steam, you’ve never been hotter, you’ve never been sexier. Fantastic.” All of those things are probably true. The lady judge said, “You are looking fierce. There’s a difference between performing a dance and living a dance and tonight you were living the dance.” Living the Dance, the Ricki Lake Story.
Ricki wants to pull out all the stops for the Freestyle. Of course, she freaks out every time Derek wants to do a lift. Derek decides that he wants to do his best Maks impression so he treats her like shit because she “responds well” to that. He knows she’s a victim of abuse, right? Yeah, things just got real.
If Ricki wins it’s because Derek really knows how to choreograph for this show. The old judge said, “It was fun, entertaining. You lost it a bit in the middle but overall it was great.” The gay judge said, “All of the explosives coming out and they’re never going back in.” Did she poop? The lady judge said, “I love that you went from the Salsa to the Quickstep.” That sounds like high praise to me.
My score: I really hope she pooped. What a way to go out.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Waltz
If Rob Kardashian is one of your finalists, you’re having a bad season, Dancing With the Stars. The gay judge comes in to help Rob learn how to dance “like a prince.” This involves wearing tight jeans and garish belts.
I’m pretty sure they are dancing to the song that his sister and her now ex-husband danced to at their wedding. Wouldn’t it be great if that was true? Especially if you heard the terrible song they are dancing to. Also, I haven’t mentioned how bad the band is recently. They’re awful. The gay judge said, “You were flowing, you were glowing. You messed up some of the footwork.” Cue screaming attention seeking sister. The lady judge said, “You’re the male version of Cinderella.” You mean he has three wicked sisters that try to keep him down and… Yeah, I guess she’s right. The old judge said, “You had good hold, good posture you had more rise and fall than Pam Anderson jogging. It was simple but it was simply beautiful.” The old judge is a bit of a perv.
She wants to work to his strengths so she’s going to start with the slow, super boring dances. Then they’ll do three seconds of fast.
They dance to “Minnie the Moocher” and they don’t make any references to Blues Brothers which both shocks and impresses me. The gay judge said, “Brilliant content, brilliant execution, brilliant performance.” He’s handing out 10s like candy tonight. The lady judge said, “This show is often won with the Freestyle but you have to blow us away. Consider me blown.” Really? Did she just say that on TV? The old judge said, “A moocher is someone who always takes and never gives, but you’ve just given your all.” Yes, but was it any good?
My score: If he wins this, they should immediately cancel the next season.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Cha Cha
He got an X-ray and his ankle is good. The old judge comes in to actually give J.R. Some dance pointers. He points at his butt a lot and moves his feet around like a real live dance instructor. No face pointing or belt wearing for this guy. He’s the real deal, folks.
What a weird dance. Karina choked as a choreographer. The lady judge said, “The crowd falls in love with your spirit, however your musicality was a bit off.” Just say he was off beat. The old judge said, “I thought it was brave that you did a lot of that dance on your own. This wasn’t that good. You went off time.” Brave? No, poor choreography. The gay judge said, “I really like the mood you set. Your hands were out of place, yes.” Were they growing out of his knees?
They are doing a Salsa inspired routine and a lot of crazy tricks. To try to add tension, they show Karina bailing on the tricks in the morning rehearsal. We may see our first live neck break on television.
They dress J.R. in a hoodie with the hood up so he looks street. Then they actually pull off the crazy tricks even if they don’t do a very good dance. She makes him dance all by himself again. What is her problem? The lady judge said, “I have one thing you say, ‘You wind it up, you wind it up.’” Well put. The old judge said, “Two things were revealed. Karina’s body and your talent.” Yes, Karina was wearing practically nothing. The gay judge said, “It was like a jungle, tribal, hypnotic something, something.” He’s completely lost his shit. Thank god it’s the last dance ever.
My score: Sweet, sweet relief. I won’t miss you, Dancing With the Stars.