Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Dancing With the Stars Week 7 - A Review


When it was announced that Chaz Bono was voted out last week, I’m pretty sure they also put him down with a single gunshot behind the shed.  He’ll never dance again and that’s what was best for everyone.

Oh god.  I almost forgot it was Halloween.  Dancing With the Stars sure didn’t.  They’ll all be dressed in costumes and probably dancing to Halloween themed music.  They’ll also be doing team dances because ABC refuses to come up with new programming for Monday nights.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Cha Cha
There is much confusing discussion about David’s costume for the dance.  I think he’s going to be some kind of vampire magician.  They bring in a magician to teach him a magic trick for the routine.  I can’t really follow what’s going on because I’m not sure David actually speaks English.

They dress Kym in next to nothing, then she made some weird fringe come flying out of her boobs to form a dress.  It’s disappointing.  They dance to “Abra Cadabra.”  He looked lost and a little confused.  Or maybe that’s just his “magician face.”  The old judge said, “You turned into a dancer.”  See what he did there?  The gay judge said, “You brought the prestige.  You’re a natural at turning tricks.”  Yes, prestige and turning tricks go hand in hand.  The gay judge then turned to the lady judge and calls her “a pretty pussy.”  Unfazed, the lady judge tells David, “You’re improvement is phenomenal.”

My score: Crack Addled Vampire Magician!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Tango
He's better than everyone else in so many ways.
They must dance to Ghostbusters.  Not the movie, the song.  Karina wants to win this so bad that she’s freaking out.  In fact, she swears at him about building a house or something.  He tries to keep it light and remind her that, you know, it’s just a dance show.  There are worse things — like getting horribly burned in an explosion while fighting for your country.  

Karina is dressed as some sort of skeleton with a cape of feathers.  He’s dressed as a Ghostbuster.  He did just fine.  What’s new?  The gay judge said, “Bewitched, conquered and swept away.  Another very solid performance.”  The lady judge said, “There was a tiny slip but it captured the tone.”  The old judge said, “For me this performance was substandard from what I expect from you.”  Atta boy, don’t let him get away with simply being better than everyone else.

My score: Skeleton Bird!

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Jive
I’m tempted to watch the elimination tomorrow night just to see the look of relief sweep over Tristan’s face when Nancy is eliminated.  If she’s not eliminated, the look of shock and horror will be equally good.  Nancy opens the clip by saying, “I know the judges are going to be on the edges of their seats waiting for me to mess up my footwork.”  Yep, everyone is out to get you.  When Tristan says, “Don’t take it too seriously,” during his interview, Nancy cuts in and says, “Are you trying to say I’m not fun?  If you’re trying to say I’m not fun, that’s not true.”  He responds, “See how much fun that was?”

She’s dressed up liked a devil, maybe?  Or maybe she’s dressed up like the guy who beats the devil in the song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”  No, that guy would be in overalls and a straw hat, right?  Anyway, she looks completely lost.  It’s clear that she’s in way over her head.  Time to go back to blindly accusing people on TV.  The lady judge said, “Well, we have our good days and we have our not so good days.”  Nancy always has not so good days.  The old judge said, “Certain dances suit you and certain don’t.  This wasn’t the dance for you.”  Nor were any of the others.  The gay judge said, “The devil got your rhythm or your shoes are too small.”  Probably both.

My score: Raging Bitch Hole!

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Tango
They’re dancing to the Addams Family theme.  Rob decides that he needs to prank Cheryl instead of rehearse.  We’re subjected to several elementary school level pranks that Cheryl completely overreacts to.  It’s a new low even for this show.  The rest of the time he complains that his butt hurts.  Whatever, your family is making a mockery of the institution of marriage.

They’re dressed as the husband and wife of the Addams family.  Or maybe he’s dressed as his dead father.  I’m not sure.  At one point he eats her arm like corn on the cob.  This is what passes for dancing now?  Who am I, the old judge?  The old judge said, “I thought you did a terrific job.”  I kept waiting for him to add, “eating corn.”  The gay judge said, “You’ll never be so manly and in control.”  Sounds like he’s peaked.  The lady judge said, “Rob, your best dance so far.”  That’s not saying much.

My score: Zombie Dad!

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Paso Doble
Ricki is suffering from an inflamed nerve in her chest.  The doctor tells her that it will get worse and it would take most athletes out of the competition.  Did he just call her an athlete?  If I was an athlete, I’d be offended.  Derek wants to push her through the injury anyway.  God, she’s so brave.

She’s dressed as Little Red Riding Hood.  Derek is the Big, Bad Wolf.  If she’s hurting, you can’t see it.  It helps that Derek is whipping himself around her and making it look like she’s dancing more than she is.  The gay judge said, “It was like a blizzard of passion and fear.  Another incredible dance.”  The lady judge said, “Your shaping is magnificent.”  Was she dancing or molding clay?  The old judge, “Those shapes that you made were fantastic.”  Was she making shadow puppets, too?

My score: Sucking Chest Wound!

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Samba
Maks brings in another dancer to help Hope dance because Maks hurt his wittle toe.  This way, he gets to stand around being a dick while they are dancing.  Because he’s been a complete ass for about 60 shows in a row, then shows up to a rehearsal dressed as a werewolf to lighten the mood.  We’re not buying it, you’re still a dick.

They’re dancing to “Werewolves of London.”  She looks completely confused and awkward just like she always does.  The Hope Solo Experiment has failed.  Even her legs can’t hold my attention anymore.  The lady judge said, “It’s better than your Toy Story dance.”  There was a Toy Story dance that was even worse than this?  The old judge said, “The Samba can be a celebrity’s graveyard,” as if he’s just stating fact.  Then he compliments the makeup department.  Very passive-aggressive, I like it.  The gay judge said, “Better timing, better placement, better finish.”  Does he want her to do those things better or did she actually do them better?

My score: Raging Ass Hole!

Team Tango — J.R., David, Nancy
She will eat your family.
We see short clips of tiny bits of dancing and fighting.  It’s like a regular clip package on crack.  Nancy even manages to insult her partner several times.  She just can’t help being a raging bitch.

They’re all dressed as asylum inmates and they dance to “Disturbia.”  Of course, J.R. anchors the solos because he’s the best.  Wow, this dance is way too long.  All of them are too long, but this one especially.  The old judge said, “The section you danced as a group was wonderful.  Each one of the individual dances were a disaster.”  J.R. has lost his magic touch with the judges.  The gay judge said, “I have to agree with Len (the old judge).  Everyone had mistakes.”  The lady judge said, “I thought you started out extremely well but the solos kinda lost it.  Overall, very nice.”  Nancy’s stink just seeps in to everyone else’s dance.

My score: Nancy Is An Awful Human Being Hole!

Team Paso Doble — Ricki, Hope, Rob
Again, it’s a clip package on crack.  We see everyone freaking out and standing around being awkward while Hope and Maks fight.  At one point, Maks violently whips Hope around in a way that borders on assault.  Maks storms out and Derek steps in and works with Hope.  Maybe Maks went to get his werewolf costume.

They dance to that creepy song that starts out with the wispy, wailing girl then the dudes shout, “Wake me up.”  You know the one.  They all stomp around and there’s fog and flashing lights.  I can only assume the fog is there to cover Hope’s feet.  Ricki predictably finishes out the solos with Derek.  The gay judge said, “Powerful, moving, building to a dramatic ending.”  Is it still building?  The lady judge said, “Everything was just YEAH!”  She’s so articulate.  The old judge said, “I thought your individual parts were amazing, great job.”  I assume by “individual parts” he means their limbs.

My score: Severed Limbs!
****

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