David Arquette went home last week. Really, America? Really?! Are you stupid? Yes. Yes, you are stupid. Why would you let that miserable bitch Nancy Grace hang around any longer? My faith in bad television watching humanity has been shattered.
The dancers will be doing two dances this week. The second dance will be the dreaded “instant dance.” Queue ominous music.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Quickstep
Rob really wants to focus this week so he asks Cheryl to be hard on him. Then we see clips of Cheryl actually teaching dance. Now I know why we never see the pros actually teaching dance.
He still looks like he’s doing dance by numbers. Are the dances longer now? This one certainly felt that way. The old judge said, “The opening section was terrible. Your best dance so far.” Terrible = best, I guess. The gay judge said, “You were speedier than a drag race. Best lines you’ve done so far.” Lines? Did I miss him doing coke? The lady judge said, “You were polished, elegant, smooth.” He got three nines and Tom Bergeron said, “You had the best week of any Kardashian.” Well played, sir.
They get “Maneater” by Hall & Oates. They then show Cheryl and Rob rehearsing their “instant Jive” routine. Isn’t that cheating? This isn’t an instant dance at all. It’s just instant music. I’m not impressed. Rob opens the dance by standing on the judges table and then flopping across the floor. Like a fish. The old judge said, “You did great. Sharpen up the feet.” The gay judge said, “Your arms are getting better but the kicks need work.” I completely agree. The lady judge said, “I’m still recovering from the booty shaking.” So is he.
My score: Maneater, indeed.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep
Maks apologizes to Hope for being too hard on her last week. She just wants him to be more gentle. He does dial it back a bit but he becomes passive-aggressive instead of angry. He takes Hope to meet his family because he’s worried about his reputation. At one point Maks’ dad says, “You cried a lot.” As annoying as it is, it’s not nearly as bad as Maks screaming at her every week.
They dress her up like Mary Poppins. You know, because they can. She looks like she’s having more fun but fun does not equal good. The gay judge said, “It’s a night of miracles. You never moved so well. Your best dance yet.” The lady judge gave her a hug and said, “That’s what dancing is all about.” The old judge said, “It’s your best dance, you fulfilled your potential.” The judges have given up at this point.
Hope will be dancing to “The Best Damn Thing” by Avril Levigne. No one knows this song. She struggles without a song to dance to. She’s wants to redeem herself from her first crappy Jive. It’s frantic and crazy and she kinda stops at one point in the middle. What a weird fucking song. Why was this in the song bucket? The gay judge said, “The fast and the furious.” Is he just naming random movies now? The lady judge said, “Definite improvement from last time. Your hands were a little crazy.” So are her eyes. The old judge said, “I sit here between these two and no one boos them. This was fantastic.” Then he rants like the gay judge. Crowd goes wild. I don’t know what’s going on.
My score: Kumbaya
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Waltz
Ricki is stressed out. You know, because she’s basically Kirstie Alley. She goes to an event and meets Jennifer Grey and they talk about Dancing With the Stars. Yes, we want to see washed up stars talking about a show where they unsuccessfully try to revive their career.
She dances to “Natural Woman” and floats around and with weird ‘50s hair. The lady judge said, “Your movements are exquisite. You lose yourself completely.” I’m lost, too. Lost in boring. The old judge said, “It was like a river. Beautifully executed the whole way through. Unless you nail your footwork you’ll never get a 10 from me.” Ouch. Good review tinged with a sting. The gay judge said, “It was absolutely beautiful.” Not really.
Ricki has to dance to “Land of 1000 Dances” by Wilson Pickett. They pull the stunt of trying to amp up the crowd instead of dancing at the beginning. Smart move by Derek. Then she and Derek go crazy. So crazy that she gets lost. She’s still better than everyone but J.R. The lady judge said, “There were a few little stops and starts.” Translation: You screwed up. The old judge said, “It was good.” What’s wrong with Old Judge? I feel like he’s given up. The gay judge said, “Some sections didn’t flow together.” Like the waving at the crowd part?
My score: Remember when Jennifer Grey was famous?
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Tango
She opens her clip by saying, “Tristan is very sensitive about me not listening.” Right. Because you’re an awful bitch about it. She looks like hell in all her individual interviews. Seriously, I think she might have pneumonia. It doesn’t help that everything she says is annoying.
They put her in a really short dress that makes her look even more bitchy. She’s awkward and terrible. The old judge said, “You’ve been on a plateau, now up you’ve gone.” Is English is first language? The gay judge said, “You brazen jezebel. It was the right attitude.” English is definitely not his first language. The lady judge said, “You’re the friskiest little girl I’ve ever met.” That’s the nicest way to say “you’re a bitch.” I’ve ever heard. She has a firm grasp of English.
She opens this clip by saying, “You don’t have a full time job and I do.” What a fucking bitch. Send her home, send her home, send her home. She’s is lost from the very beginning of the dance. Then she does a cartwheel at the end and begs the judges for good scores. I bet you to send her home. The old judge said, “Yours is a Cinderella story but for me, it’s midnight and it’s time to go home.” He’s back! The gay judge said, “It has to be sharp and tight and compact. It was laid back and loose.” Opposites! The lady judge said, “You got lost in the choreography.” Or maybe she got lost in her cold, black heart.
My score: Slay the beast.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Waltz
He wants to get the first 30 of this season. I’m sure he’ll do it with the way they’re handing out high scores tonight. It’s a little pathetic how badly Karina wants to win this season. No, it’s a lot pathetic.
He’s good. That’s his deal. The gay judge said, “It was like a musical Valentine card.” Aren’t there actual musical Valentine’s Day cards now? The lady judge said, “Tonight something happened in the middle that was just magic.” The middle of what, exactly? She’s clearly hitting on him. The old judge said, “Just like the soldier you are, you came back all guns blazing.” He’s clearly hitting on him. He gets three 10s.
Last time J.R. And Karina got marked down for not doing a proper Jive. He wants to nail it and he does. The gay judge shouted unintelligibly and said, “Sensational!” The lady judge said, “You are in a class all your own.” The old judge said, “You’ve got the X Factor and the feel good factor mixed together and you came out with the most fantastic Jive.” Three more 10s. Please, let’s just give him the trophy and end my misery. Thanks.
My score: End it. I’m begging you.