America finally sent home that awful bitch Nancy Grace. Now we don’t ever again have to have her befoul our home with her raging bitchiness. I didn’t care for her.
The stars will be doing three dances tonight. They’re calling it the semi-finals. Does that mean that this is finally over next week? I hope that’s exactly what it means because this is the last season of this show I will ever review. Ever.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Paso Doble
Hope has pain in her shoulder. Her repaired labrum in her right shoulder is giving her trouble. A doctor comes in and dopes her up so she can get through the rehearsals. She says, “I was hoping to save these shots for the Olympics.” Yes, let’s compare the importance of Dancing With the Stars with the Olympics. Maks is finally being nice to her. Maybe it’s because she just got stuck with an enormous needle.
They take a good two minutes at the beginning of the dance to just walk around. Because she can’t dance. She then does her absolute best to look even more awkward than Faith Hill during the Sunday Night Football intro. The old judge said, “You had attitude, you had aggression but you lost control.” Also, coordination. The gay judge said, “You were unchained, untamed. You were out of control.” Also, out of coordination. The lady judge said, “You nailed the character. The hold was out of sync. The grace and fluidity suffered.” Also, my eyes suffered.
This is where we get the clips of their childhood. Surprise! Hope was a tom boy! Then her father kidnaped her and her brother and was lead away in handcuffs. She met him again as a homeless man who wandered into one of her soccer games. We then see all of her soccer friends say, “She’s a competitor.”
She’s dressed in a sexy little number and lounges around on the judges table to start the dance. Maks picks her up into an awkward lift. Then they do awkward lift after awkward lift because Maks knows she can’t dance. My wife just kept saying, “Oh, no.” The old judge said, “Well, I thought it was far better than the Paso Doble. I wasn’t disappointed.” Only because his expectations are so low. The gay judge said, “Much better, full on display of athleticism, very sexy.” We were looking for a full on display of dancing, however. The lady judge said, “There was definitely more fluidity to your movement this time, but going in and out of the lifts are a trick.” A poorly executed trick.
My score: Overstayed welcome.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Paso Doble
DRAMA ALERT: J.R. rolls his ankle. Will this be the end for J.R.? Will he finally fall out of favor with the judges and voters? Does anyone actually give a shit?.
He’s dressed as Zorro, mask and all. It looks like Karina’s dumbed down the dance so that he can handle it on a bum ankle. After the dance, he’s clearly in pain. The gay judge said, “I could feel the thrill and excitement of the chase. Dressed up, ready to kill.” Kill with a limp. The lady judge said, “I give you so much credit for attacking that dance with a hurt ankle.” You credit won’t feed the family, lady. The old judge said, “Certain dances suit you certain dances don’t. This dance didn’t suit you at all.” The Zorro suit looks dashing, though.
We’re going to hear his story again? The viewers of this program aren’t so dumb that they’ll be all, “Oooohhhh, that’s how is face got that way.” After his story we see a series of nobody soap opera actors telling us how great he is. We don’t need a bunch of nobodies to tell us what we already know.
I guess the Argentine Tango involves a bunch of lifts. That seems to be all they are doing and it’s hiding his bum ankle well. The gay judge said, “Strong, fearless. It was incredible, the sexual interplay with the two of you was great.” Wait. Did I miss the porn portion of the dance? The lady judge said, “There was a true fire burning between the two of you.” Wait. Did I miss the open flame portion of the dance? The old judge said, “It had mood, it had intensity, I was transported to the back streets of Buenos Aries.” Wait. Did I miss the rich white guy going to a shady neighborhood in Buenos Aries portion of the dance?
My score: I wish I’d missed every portion of the dance.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Samba
Rob feels the pressure from J.R. and says all sorts of other uninteresting things. You know, because he’s a Kardashian.
They come rolling out on a float shaking maracas. This show has no shame. For the first time all season, he looks like he knows what he’s doing. It’s the worst possible time for J.R. to twist an ankle. In the least surprising development of the season, Rob’s mom is there. The lady judge said, “Booty, booty, booty, booty.” Gross. The old judge said, “Once you got on the floor I was saying ‘Oh yes.” Gross. The gay judge said, “That’s how you turn a handicap into an asset. Keep going, Rob.” Gross.
As if we don’t know the fucking back story to a Kardashian. You’ll never guess that his annoying sisters tortured him. Then his dad died to get away from Rob’s annoying sisters. Most of his story is about doing Dancing With the Stars because it’s the closest thing to a challenge he’s ever faced in his life.
He danced to the rejected Monday Night Football theme. Anyway, it was boring. The lady judge said, “There’s no way to fake good dancing. There was no faking involved.” Gross. The old judge said, “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.” Really gross. The gay judge said, “You started out as a goofy outsider, now you’re a leading man.” Weird.
My score: Seriously. Gross.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Samba
Ricki’s decided that she just needs to have fun because actually caring about something will make her interesting. She gets all weird about the lifts just like every non-pro girl on this show. Get over it. You’re skinny now.
She’s dressed like a canary. The crowd goes wild. Not because they like canaries but because she danced well. The old judge said, “No flames, no floats, no funny costumes. Fabulous. You’re straight into the finals.” Was she ever gay? I’m confused. The gay judge said, “Sizzling, hot, bright and brilliant from the beginning to the end.” He might have been talking about his breakfast. The lady judge said, “I saw you working the shoulders the whole time.” I guess that means something because she gets three tens.
They’re pitching these stories as “where they get their competitive drive.” Ricki was molested as a child. Then she did Hairspray. She turned to food to drown her sorrows. Not from Hairspray, from the abuse. Then she got her own talk show. After her divorce in 2003 she moved to LA. Good plan. When things get real, move to the least real place in the world.
It’s a real bad week for J.R. to roll and ankle. She nails it again. The old judge said, “Lovely contrast of movement. The lifts were just part of the dance.” Right, that’s the deal. The gay judge said, “Totally transported into the underworld of Buenos Aries. Spot on.” Again, has he ever been to the underworld of Buenos Aries? The lady judge said, “What I see in you is the core strength developing. You’ve always had the passion and now you have the pop.” Pop, an essential ingredient in dance.
My score: More shoulder!
The Cha-Cha Relay
One song will be played and each team will dance a portion of the song before handing off to the next team. The winning team gets 10 points, second place gets 8 points, third 6, and last 4. Ricki goes first. She looks a little hesitant. Hope goes next and she’s totally awkward, as usual. No doubt she’s getting last place. J.R. is next and he definitely looks like his ankle is really bothering him. Rob is last and he does just fine.
The old judge said, “I think the whole night has been like going out for a fine dinner. My winner isn’t going to be their winner.” Dinners with the old judge must be weird. The gay judge said, “A fantastic show. Everybody did very well.” He just cuts to the core. The lady judge said, “It is really fantastic that we get to watch you all one after another. It was a surprise tonight.” That means J.R. didn’t do well.
4th — Hope and Maks
3rd — J.R. and Karina
2nd — Ricki and Derek
1st — Rob and Cheryl
Too bad the points don’t actually mean anything.