Monday, December 10, 2012

Some Musicals I'm Writing

I’ve never been a fan of musicals but they seem to be more popular than ever.  Since it seems successful musicals can be made about anything, I’ve decided to write a few of my own.

Completed
Hipsters, Bacon and Pirates: The Musical — A gripping tale of heroic hipsters trying to rescue the world’s bacon supply from the clutches of greedy (and hungry) pirates.  The hipsters are aided by a robot made from cans of Hamm’s Beer (earlier versions had a robot made from PBR cans).

In Progress
Bros, Bro: The Musical, Bro — The story of a hardcore bro trying to save his bro from getting married to the woman he loves because that’s totally gay, bro.  The hero is aided by a robot made from cans of Natty Light.

Glee: The Un-Musical — I take scripts from episodes of Glee and remove all the music to create the least interesting yet highest selling Broadway show of all time.

Twitter: The Musical — Every character sings and speaks in 140 character bursts, complete with @ replies and hashtags.

Concepts
The Book of Mormon: The Musical — I rewrite the script of The Book of Mormon only I make it a musical.

Family Videos: The Musical (working title) — The story of a blond lady who makes a video that her husband “probably shouldn’t watch on the plane” from that cell phone commercial.  I haven’t yet decided if she’s a spy.

Facebook: The Musical — A familiar story about the travails of young love, but once you really get into the story and figure out who everyone is, EVERYTHING changes so you’re completely lost.  Rinse, repeat. 
****

Monday, December 03, 2012

I'm Tired

Man, I’m tired.  I’ve been tired for the last two weeks.  I’m not sure why.  Well, I have an idea.  I think it’s because of my bedroom ceiling.  

You read that correctly.

My bedroom has a tray ceiling.  In case you don’t constantly watch House Hunters like my wife does, a tray ceiling is a ceiling that angles upwards in the center to create a large inset in the ceiling.  Some of your ceiling is regular height, some is slanted upwards and some of your ceiling is much higher.  It’s a very desirable feature in a home, apparently.  It really does look great when you walk into the room.  However, if you are lying in bed staring up at the tray ceiling, it looks very much like the inside of a coffin lid.  It makes it hard to go to sleep.  If you do manage to fall asleep and then wake up in the middle of the night, good luck trying to keep from thinking you’ve been buried alive.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have a nightly reminder of my mortality.  It makes you want to get off your ass and do something, but I need a full night’s sleep before I can do anything.  Also, it doesn’t help that we bought a fancy ceiling fan which has two blades that look like scythes.  So, imagine being buried alive in a coffin that has two curved, whirling blades descending upon you.  That’s my every single night.

So that might be why I’m tired.
****

Monday, November 26, 2012

The 'Burbs

I officially live in the ‘burbs.  I moved into my new house almost a month ago (after living in the ‘burbs with my in-laws for a month).  Where exactly?  I’m not sure.  Everything looks the same out here.  

In the two months I’ve lived in the ‘burbs, I’ve noticed the following:

Everyone in the ‘burbs has zero sense of urgency.  It’s like they never have to be on time for anything ever.  Red lights are commandments to obey long after they’ve faded to black.  Yellow lights also mean stop.  Green lights are mere suggestions.  You may go if you like when the light turns green but you most certainly don’t have to.  If you do go, you should proceed with extreme caution and zero urgency.  Also, if I don’t have to be on time for anything ever now that I live in the ‘burbs, someone please let me know.  I’ll stop being so damn prompt.

The one exception to the above rule is leaving the train station parking lot.  People want to get the fuck out.  They will cut you off, give you the finger and generally drive like people in the city hopped up on rage juice.

People in the ‘burbs only walk for exercise.  Walking as a means of transportation is unheard of and often scoffed at.

Hairspray.  The ‘burbs is where the world keeps all its hairspray.  Or maybe it’s just because I now live on the south side.

Nearly everyone in the ‘burbs has direct access to their own personal parks.  In the ‘burbs they call them “yards.”  I thought yards were just how you measured first downs.

Everyone in the ‘burbs also has their own personal parking spots for which they don’t have to pay anything extra.  Many of these are attached directly to their homes.  Often they are covered and have special magical doors that open when they drive up.

People in the ‘burbs only ask you for money if you are buying something from them.

I get to see my old friend Orion again.  He was so hard to find when I lived in the city.

Cops in the ‘burbs have nothing better to do than sit around and try to catch people speeding.  The number of cop cars I see parked on the side of the road is criminal.

By the way, I’ve not yet been caught speeding.  I’m just trying to make it clear I live in a police state.
The ‘burbs are also where the world keeps all its Christmas lights.  Often they are piled randomly on various homes.

Man, it’s super fucking windy out here.

While driving last week, I thought I got lost because I kept driving by the same Applebee’s over and over.  Turns out I was just driving to Rockford.
****

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Finalé - A Review

It’s the end.  It’s finally the fucking end.  This better be good to make up for the rest of this terrible season.

Chris Harrison is calling this the “most shocking, most disturbing finalé ever.”  It better fucking be.  I’m missing football for this.

Chris Harrison welcomes back the losing Bachelor Pad contestants one by one.  No one cheers for the twins or Jamie.  You know, because they’re crazy.  Chris explains that the losing contestants will choose the winners.  Then we get to watch the entire season again.  Upon returning from the clips, Chris throws to the cast to ask them if lying is important in this game.  He is immediately awarded the Emmy for Asking The Stupidest Question Ever.

The Hot Seat
Look, this is the stupidest part of every single one of these damn shows.  I’m not going to waste your time with a ton of details.

Michael is first in the hot seat.  He admits he was outplayed by Chris and thought that Erica made the right play to take him home.  He says that her comments afterwards were out of line.  Erica stands behind her comments because she’s a waste of human flesh and she knows it.  Jaclyn calls him out for lying to Rachel and he basically puts his fingers in his ears and shouts, “Nananananananananana.”

Jaclyn takes the hot seat.  Why is she interesting?  She says that Rachel taking away her best friend’s chance to win $250,000 is unforgivable.  Really?  If she took you to the final, one of you would be taking away the other’s chance to win $250,000.  Also, if my best friend took away my ability to buy lottery tickets, I’d find a way to forgive him.  Just sayin’.

Blakeley takes the hot seat.  This is a fantastic idea.  Let’s rehash her drama because we just couldn’t get enough of it the first time.  Or we could all just put our fingers in our ears and shout, “Nanananananananana.”  After a really long speech filled with meaningless clichés, Tony proposes to her.  She says yes.  Nobody cares.

The Final Two Couples
They bring out Nick and Rachel and Chris and Sarah.  Chris Harrison talks to Rachel first.  She confronts Michael about their relationship.  He says he wasn’t falling in love.  She says she was falling in love.  She cries, he tries to explain.  She cries some more.  Boring.

Chris admits that his family and friends are disappointed by the way he acted on the show.  He says, “That’s not what I intended to do.”  No?  Then why did you keep doing it over and over?  Would he be apologizing if he didn’t need everyone’s vote?  

Questions for the Couples
Chris Harrison asks Chris if he regrets his controversial decisions.  Chris says, “No.  It’s a game, I came here to win.”  In her first clever moment ever, Blakeley says, “We get to vote.”  Chris then says, “You can’t regret the things you can’t change.”  Nope.  Those are exactly the things you regret.  They are regrets because you can’t change them.  If only we could all live in a world where every decision we ever made was correct.

The Voting
Each cast member writes the name of a couple on a white board.  There are sixteen total votes.  I’m not a mathematician but I’m pretty sure they need nine votes to win.

Michael: Rachel and Nick
Jamie: Rachel and Nick
Kalon: Sarah and Chris
Ed: Rachel and Nick
Blakeley: Rachel and Nick
Dave: Sarah and Chris
Erica: Sarah and Chris
Reid: Rachel and Nick
Lindzi: Rachel and Nick
Donna: Rachel and Nick
Tony: Rachel and Nick
Jaclyn: Rachel and Nick

Rachel and Nick are the winners.  Jaclyn and Rachel seem to have made up.  Chris Harrison tells us that all the remaining votes were for Rachel and Nick.

By the way, Nick has lost weight.  Dee thinks he might be sick.

Nick and Rachel are separated.  They must choose between two signs which read “share” and “keep.”  If they both choose “share,” they split the money.  If they both choose “keep,” neither gets the money and it is split among the other cast members.  If one chooses “keep” and the other chooses “share,” the person who chose “keep” gets all $250,000.

While they choose, Chris Harrison asks the cast what they think Rachel and Nick should do.  They all think they are going to share the money.  Ryan says, “Am I the only one who would take the money and run?”  Reid, “It’s a no-brainer.  You split the money.”  Michael is pretty adamant that Nick should be thankful for Rachel playing the game and should choose “share.”  It’s clear he feels guilty about the whole Rachel thing.

The Decision
Rachel reveals her’s first. She says, “I came here to win $250,000 but you can’t win without a partner.”  She chooses “share.”

Nick says, “Nobody would have ever put their money on me to win this.  Nobody was ever on my team.  I did this all myself.  I’m an outsider.”  He chooses “keep.”  EVIL GENIUS!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  The crowd goes wild and the cast looks shocked — except for Chris and Kalon who look positively delighted.

When the cast starts to protest, Nick walks down to them and says, “How many of you said in your interviews, ‘I can’t wait to win $125,000?’  No one.  None of you said that.”
Rachel says, “You are such a fucking schmuck.”  
Nick replies, “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.”  ULTIMATE ZINGER!

Chris Harrison turns it over to the cast.  Jaclyn says, “He didn’t deserve this.”  
Nick replies, “Why didn’t I deserve it?”  
Jaclyn says, “Because you didn’t.”  Rock solid logic, right there.
Kalon says, “I don’t think anyone here knows what ‘deserve’ means.  None of us deserves this.  We were all fortunate enough to play this game.  Nick, I didn’t give you enough credit.  I’m so proud of you.  Well played, well played.”  Chris gives him props, too.  In fact, he looks a little pissed that he didn’t get to do this himself.  
Michael says, “You weren’t sympathetic to the girl right beside you.”  A crowd member says, “You weren’t either.”  Nice.  Handled by an audience member.

Nick walks off stage.  Rachel chases him.  Rachel asks, “Why did you do this?”  Nick says, “Because it was the best move.”  For some reason she wants more of an explanation.  How’s this:  You know how when you play Monopoly you try to buy up all the property and keep building houses and hotels until the other player is bankrupt?  Do you know why you do that?  Because it’s the point of the game.  No matter what anyone else tries to tell you, the point of this game is to win $250,000.  Nick is the only person to ever do that.  You should have seen this coming, Rachel.

Who knew I’d walk away from a season of Bachelor Pad feeling satisfied?

See you in January for The Bachelor.  Maybe.
****

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #7 - A Review

Guys, there’s a football game on.  Is it even worth it anymore?  No, it is not.  To this point, this has easily been the worst season of Bachelor Pad.  However, I have a feeling it’s about to redeem itself.
Let’s not waste time with the post-ceremony bullshit and get straight to it.

The Competition
Chris Harrison tells them that the winner of the competition will not get a date and roses.  Instead, they will be “given a lot of power.”  He tells them to pack because one couple will go home immediately after the competition.  

There is a giant contraption built over the pool.  Chris Harrison calls it, “Hanging By A Thread.”  Each couple chooses one person to sit in a seat dangling above the pool.  The other person answers questions.  Each wrong answer cuts a rope on the chair.  Once the chair falls away, there is a bar they can hang from.  The last person to remain above the pool wins.  The winner of the competition chooses who goes home.

Rachel chooses to sit in the chair.  Everyone else chooses the guy.

Blakeley quickly misses about seventeen questions in a row and Tony is the first one to hang.  He drops into the water almost immediately.  Rachel drops in next.  It’s down to Ed and Chris.  Sarah has yet to miss a question (so how is she different than a fan, exactly?) and Ed is hanging from the bar.  As Sarah misses her first question, Ed drops into the water.  Chris and Sarah are the winners and get to choose who goes home.  

Sarah and Chris chat about who to send home.  Chris says, “I have the opportunity to shatter someone’s dreams.”  This statement is all you need to know about Chris.  When Chris and Sarah are brought before the other couples to make their decision, Chris Harrison opens it up to the couples to say something to Chris and Sarah.  Nick says that he was loyal to Chris.  Tony plays the son card.  Blakeley basically begs Chris to not send them home.  No one bothers to appeal to Sarah at all.

Before revealing who is going home, Chris McDouche says, “There are only two people here that thought Sarah and I were going to be here.  That’s me and Sarah.  We did this on our own.  We really did.”  Guess who he’s voting for in November.  He then goes through and tells everyone about how they fucked him.  He then says a lot of nice things to Tony and sends him home anyway.  Telling off everyone who is staying on the show with you is a great strategy.

In the car Blakeley says, “I don’t know why anyone else needed the money more than we did.”  Yeah, because that’s why people vote in this game.  Tony then pours his heart out to Blakeley.  Blakeley does the same.  Is anyone really interested in this relationship?

The Competition
Chris Harrison shows up in the evening to tell them that their next competition starts right now.  They pile into a limo to go to the Hollywood Palladium.  Night Ranger is on stage playing “Sister Christian.”  Quick, name another Night Ranger song.  Quick, name a single member of Night Ranger.  Quick, shoot yourself in the face because this is going to be awful.

Chris Harrison tells them that they will be singing “Sister Christian” as a couple in front of a live audience.  They will be judged by Night Ranger.  First, they will be shipped off to work with a vocal coach.

After everyone leaves, one of the band members says to Chris Harrison, “Do you think they can do it?”  Chris replies, “Oh, no.  They’re going to be terrible.”

All the vocal coaches are from Glee.  So the contestants will be naturally awful and they’ll be Glee awful.

Nick and Rachel go first.  Rachel opens it up and does a decent intro before the chorus.  Nick jumps in on the chorus and does a good job trying to sell it even though he can’t sing for shit.  Sarah is completely intimidated.  Ed is unimpressed.

Jaclyn misses the entrance and then asks if they can start over.  Ed completely forgets the lyrics and they miss the first chorus.  They miss every chorus.  They are just plain awful.

Chris starts it out.  He can’t sing, but Sarah can’t sing more.  Sarah just kinda flails around.  Chris looks awkward.  The whole time they show Chris and Sarah being awkward, we hear Sarah’s voice over talking about how awesome they are at things.  Chris has the lyrics written on his hand.

Night Ranger chooses Nick and Rachel.  They are in the finals.  They will also be deciding which couple will join them in the finals.  

Jaclyn basically says that if Rachel doesn’t pick her that it will end their friendship.  That’s one solid friendship.

Back at the House
Chris Harrison explains that the members of the house who have been voted out will choose the winning couple.

Rachel wants to give the roses to Ed and Jaclyn.  Nick wants to give them to Chris and Sarah because he thinks they have a better chance against them.  He basically browbeats her into choosing Chris and Sarah.  She’s worried about her friendship with Jaclyn.  

The Rose Ceremony
Guess what?  Chris feels like he deserves to win.  You know, because he feels like he deserves everything in the fucking world.

They choose Chris and Sarah.  Ed says, “Wow.”  Chris hugs Ed and says, “I wasn’t expecting this.”  Ed, “Neither was I.”  

Jaclyn breaks down.  When Rachel hugs Jaclyn and says, “Jaclyn, I’m so sorry.”  Jaclyn shoves her away and says, “It’s fine.”  Really?  Jaclyn is ending a “friendship” over this?  Ed and Jaclyn both talk about how Rachel should be ashamed of herself.  Whatever.  Jaclyn would have made the exact same decision because she wants to win the damn money.

These people are great big dummies.  Except for Nick.  Nick might be an evil genius.
****

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Predict the Notre Dame Football Season

Warning: This post contains heavy football content.  If this is something you have an averse reaction to, you should stop reading.  Unless you want to read the hilarious joke about Forrest Gump.

On Saturday the Fighting Irish will be in Ireland.  Wait, that’s not clear…

On Saturday the Irish will be in Dublin to take on Navy.  Nope, still not clear…

On Saturday the University of Notre Dame’s football team, known as the Fighting Irish, will be in Dublin to play the United States Naval Academy’s football team, known as the Midshipmen.  They will be playing football.  Not the kind of football that the Irish call football.  The Irish citizens, I mean.  The Irish and the Midshipmen won’t be playing the Irish brand of football.  They’ll be playing a game of the American brand of football in which the Irish will hope to dictate their brand of football on the game.  Which is not the actual Irish brand of football.  Which is called soccer in America.

Got it?  

The point is that college football starts on Saturday and my school’s team (the Notre Dame Fighting Irish) will be playing and I’m pretty effing excited about it.  I’m so excited that I thought I’d give you my game by game predictions for how the Irish’s season will turn out.

No, I’m not going to predict the weather for the fall in Ireland.

You know what I’m trying to do.  Here goes:

September 1: at Navy
The Irish are going to Ireland to play Navy and somehow the Irish aren’t the home team.  We’re deliberately making football as complicated as possible for foreigners to understand.  Which is exactly how we like it.  USA!  USA!  USA!

My prediction: Irish 36, Midshipmen 20

September 8: vs. Purdue
My lovely bride will accompany me to this game and the Irish never lose when Dee is in the stadium.  Possibly because the other team is blinded by her radiant beauty (the Notre Dame players are used to such beauty as Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s might as well be model factories).  Also, Purdue stinks.

My prediction: Irish 33, Boilermakers 13

September 15: at #13 Michigan State
I’m pretty sure that if you go to a game at Michigan State they will blast the “THIS IS SPARTA!” line from 300 over the loud speakers every time they get a first down or something.  Doesn’t that seem like something these jackasses would do?

My prediction: Irish 20, Spartans 17

September 22: vs. #8 Michigan
Michigan’s team is known as the Wolverines.  Many Notre Dame fans call Michigan the Skunkbears.  Also, Michigan’s administrators have spent much of their existence trying to wink Notre Dame and its football program out of existence.  Mostly because Notre Dame is a Catholic university.  So there’s that.  Short story: we hate the fuck out of each other.

My prediction: Irish 33, Skunkbears 34

October 6: vs. Miami
Poop on Miami.  Poop right on their face.

My prediction: Irish 28, Hurricanes 17

October 13: vs. #21 Stanford
These guys are smart.  Notre Dame guys are smart but we’re beaten down by bad weather.  Stanford guys will be buoyed by mild California weather.  Also, I’d like to thank them for Andrew Luck.  Go Colts!

My prediction: Irish 10, Cardinal 14

October 20: vs. BYU
The Mormons waltz in to South Bend with their magic underwear but it just won’t be magic enough.  Dude, that magic underwear has to get funky by the end of the season.

My prediction: Irish 28, Cougars 20

October 27: at #4 Oklahoma
Remember Brian Bosworth?  I’d like you to remember Brian Bosworth.  In fact, I’d like Oklahoma’s entire legacy to be Brian Bosworth.  That guy did a ton of steroids.

My prediction: Irish 20, Sooners 31

November 3: vs. Pitt
I’m often surprised that Pitt has a football program.  Then I’m more surprised that Pitt has fans.  It’s a weird situation.

My prediction: Irish 27, Panthers 17

November 10: at Boston College
Guys, BC is real bad.  I can’t even muster up a joke.

My prediction: Irish 40, Eagles 10

November 17: vs. Wake Forest
I may the only person who wanted a scene in Forrest Gump where his mom was trying to rouse him from a nap by yelling, “Wake, Forrest!  Wake, Forrest!  Wake!”  Admit it, you wanted it, too.

My prediction: Irish 24, Demon Deacons 17

November 24: at #1 USC
Do I dare?  Do I predict a miracle upset of the #1 team in the country on their own field?  Hell no.  We’re not good enough to beat USC and the refs — which we always have to do when we go to L.A.  I’m not complaining, I’m just stating fact.

My prediction: Irish 14, USC 28

Hang on.  Let me count this up…  8-4.  I guess the Irish are going to be 8-4 this year.  Dang.  That’s not going to get them into any good bowl games.  Good thing I’m terrible at predicting games.
****

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #6 - A Review

There are still ten people left on this show.  It’s time to focus up and get rid of some people.  They need to wrap this up before football season.

After the Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison comes back into the mansion to let everyone know they will be competing as couples.  The couples are: Chris and Sarah, Kalon and Lindzi, Ed and Jaclyn, Tony and Blakeley and Nick and Rachel.  Yes, Nick is still on this show.  No, I’m not sure if he’s a former cast member or a fan.

They eat up about 20 minutes letting us know that everyone wants Chris gone again.  Why is this show two hours?  Seriously, I know a ton of people who could come up with an hour drama that is at least as good as Desperate Housewives ever was.  Call me, ABC.

The Competition
They are all bussed to an auditorium for “The First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee.”  So they’ve already decided to do this again next year?  You don’t call something “First Annual” if there are not plans for a second.  

Chris Harrison tells them that they will spell as a couple.  The couple alternates letter by letter.  If you misspell a word, you get a strike.  Three strikes and you are out.

Tony is comically bad at spelling and he and Blakeley are the first couple out.

Lindzi and Kalon — who were very confident going in to the competition — are the second couple out.  Then Nick and Rachel bomb out.

I would take the time to make fun of their inability to spell if spelling wasn’t a completely useless skill in today’s world.  It’s hard for me to judge anyone too harshly on their spelling skills.  Mine are poor.

Ed and Jaclyn and Chris and Sarah are the final two couples.  Chris and Sarah have one strike, Ed and Jaclyn have none.

Ed and Jaclyn miss “aphrodisiac” and then miss “boutonniere.”  They then miss on “flabbergasted” for their third strike.  Chris and Sarah screw up “entrepreneur” to send it in to sudden death.  The first couple to spell a word correctly when the other team misses is the winner.

Ed and Jaclyn miss “cockamamie.”  Chris and Sarah correctly spell “serendipity” to win the spelling bee, roses and a date.

Blakeley cries because she cries at everything.  Tony consoles her awkwardly because he’s awkward at everything.

Ed and Jaclyn also get an overnight date.

The First Date — Chris and Sarah
They are driven straight to an airport where they get in a small plane and proceed to be obnoxious about how awesome they are.  They get on an old-timey train and ride off into the middle of nowhere.  Chris actually admits that his dealings with Blakeley and Jamie were mistakes.  The train takes them to a little lake.  They strip off their clothes — under which they are wearing bathing suits — and jump in the lake.  Was everyone in the cast wearing bathing suits under their clothes during the spelling bee?  Chris claims that he is still a little hung up on Emily which is why he’s not putting it all out there with Sarah.  Sure.  Whatever.

They have dinner in a barn.  They talk about Chris’ “relationship” with Emily.  She asks him if he’s over it.  He says, “I don’t know but you’re helping me figure it out.”  He’s in total spin control mode and he’s trying to make this look like a relationship since he knows he was a dick for the first half of the show.  Plus, there are no other women left to hook up with.  They finish dinner and spend the rest of the time making out.  Then they close the doors and eff in the hay.

Meanwhile Back at the House…
Rachel is ready to quit.  She is a mess.  A pitiful mess.  What does she do when someone she’s dating goes on a work trip?  Does she completely shut down her life?  Michael’s not dead, he’s just at a hotel somewhere.

Jaclyn and Blakeley convince Rachel to stay.  Jaclyn thinks that everyone else has put more into the game than Lindzi.  Which is true.  She’s done absolutely nothing on this show except wear way too much makeup.  They make a pact to vote off Kalon and Lindzi.  

When Blakeley thinks about winning the money, she says, “Oh my god, I can get cable.”  To which Jaclyn replies, “And you can stop waxing assholes.”  If she gets cable, I bet she could find a reality show about people who wax assholes.

Tony sets up a little “date” at the house for him and Blakeley.  He’s really into her but it’s clear she’s only playing along because she can’t resist being with anyone who shows interest.  She tells him that she has trust issues and that he’ll have to “be a strong man to break through that.”  She’s already prepping the breakup.

The Second Date — Ed and Jaclyn
Ed wants to “set the record straight” on the date.  They get in a small commuter plane which flies them to an island off the coast of California.  

When they sit down for a picnic, Ed says, “The reality is that I have been pursuing someone at home for a while now.  Six months ago it developed into a relationship.”  He says that they agreed to break up and that he was coming on the show single.  He tells her he’s not there to find a girl and fall in love.  Jaclyn is pissed.  However, she fucked the guy that had already fucked another girl on the show and he’s okay with both women knowing about it and living in the same house.  He’s not going to be your Prince Charming.  

At dinner, Jaclyn tells him that she wouldn’t have acted the way she did if she knew about the other girl.  She says, “What we have done and what you have said are two different things.”  Ed says, “I feel like this is a Facebook status thing.  We’re in the Bachelor Pad house, are we in a relationship or are we couple or are we a team.  Why make that distinction?  It’s childish.”  I’m not sure who he’s arguing with, but it’s not Jaclyn.  That makes zero sense.  Jaclyn replies, “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit.  I don’t want to look like a whore.”  Ed says, “I don’t want to look like an asshole.”  Too late.

Jaclyn sleeps with him anyway.  It doesn’t make her look like a whore, just a fool.

The Scheming
Ed and Jaclyn return with roses.  They have to give two roses out to save one couple from elimination.  Everyone immediately jumps into suck up mode.  

They give the roses to Blakeley and Tony which shouldn’t be a surprise.  Kalon would totally turn around and try to vote Ed and Jaclyn out.  Rachel isn’t into it and Nick has just been hanging around.  Why give them power?  The only move is to give them to Tony and Blakeley.

Rachel tells Nick that Blakeley and Jaclyn are on their side and that he should just chill.  They go immediately to vote for Kalon and Lindzi.  Kalon decides that he needs to work to take down Nick and Rachel.  He soft plays it to Tony and Blakeley and throws down the “not a real couple” card about Rachel and Nick.  Nick talks to Tony and Blakeley.  For some reason, Nick gets pissed and yells at Tony and Blakeley.  Tony now wants to save Kalon.

Rachel decides to call Michael.  Nick gets even more pissed.  He’s seconds from hulking out.  Ed and Jaclyn hold the deciding vote.

The Rose Ceremony
Ed and Jaclyn get the first rose which leaves Kalon and Lindzi and Nick and Rachel.  Rachel and Nick get the roses.  Kalon and Lindzi go home.  

The limos start to pull away and Kalon gets out of his car and gets into the car with Lindzi.  They make out.  As they drive away he says, “I can’t imagine that we’re not the biggest winners in the Bachelor Pad.”  Well, you’re not.  Imagine it.
****

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A Cold Shower

Alarm goes off.  Shit.  I’m tired as fuck.  I don’t want to move.  So I don’t.  Dee says, “Remember, you have to take the dog out this morning.”

“Fuck.  Fuck this fucking dog.”

I get up.  “Ruthie, let’s go outside.”  She runs towards me and then suddenly turns and “hides” on the couch.  Because she’s the dumbest dog alive she thinks she can hide by simply putting her head under a pillow.  It does not work.  I walk over, pick her up and wrestle her into her harness.  Yes, she wears a harness because she’s a dachshund and she can’t wear a regular collar without breaking her back or something.  We get outside and she decides that she needs to find the perfect spot instead of just dumping out all her goo wherever she wants even though she’s been holding it all night.  Apparently she has a will of steel and amazing bladder control when I’m least patient.  Of course.  Eventually she does her shit.  THAT’S RIGHT.  PUN MOTHERFUCKING INTENDED.  For some reason she doesn’t want to go back inside so I drag her back inside to give her her medicine.  Because she has allergies.  My dog, who is descended from wolves, has allergies.

Time for a shower.  Time to wash the stank of this day off and get a fresh start.  I turn on the shower and wait.  It’s cold.  I wait some more.  Still cold.  I wait some more.  Still freaking cold.  BECAUSE WHO NEEDS TESTICLES ON THE OUTSIDE OF HIS BODY?  Time for a cold shower.  You know how it goes.  The short gasps as the water hits you.  The twenty seconds of pain while you hold yourself under the water thinking that you’ll adjust or that the water will finally get hot.  The hopping in and out of the stream as you soap up and rinse off.  The profanity.  The cursing of your swampy crotch that needs a thorough rinsing.  The moments of intense shivering between shutting the water off and grabbing the towel.  Briefly hating yourself because you didn’t think to put the towel in the dryer before getting into a freezing shower.  Drying off and resigning yourself to a wearing permanent scowl and generally hating everything you encounter for the rest of the day.  Embracing the hate.

Then your daughter wakes up, smiles and laughs at you and says, “Da Da,” and everything is awesome again.
****

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

If I had to choose my favorite knife in my kitchen, I’d probably choose my tomato knife.  Oh, shit.  Bachelor Pad is on.

After the rose ceremony, Chris goes straight to his bed and hides under the blankets.  You know, because he’s a child.  Everyone is now targeting Chris.  Chris thinks Kalon lied to him.  To the camera, Kalon says, “Yeah, I’m a liar…  Do you want me to elaborate on that?”  

Chris and Ed get into a shouting match during which Chris utters his go-to phrase, “I’m a grown ass man!”  He can say it all he wants but we’ll never believe him.  Chris is surprised that people are lying to him and mistreating him.  You know, because he has no concept of reality.

Also, Blakeley is now partners with Tony which is weird.

The Challenge
Chris Harrison calls it “The Great Fall of China.”  They have to stack six tea cups and saucers and walk them between tables without touching or dropping them.  Blakeley is excited.  She says, “I’m so glad I worked at Hooters for 13 years.”  The winners get roses and there will be no penalty against the losers.

The ladies go first.  In the season’s biggest shock, Erica doesn’t even try.  She says, “I’m just pissed that I haven’t gotten a challenge that caters to my strengths.”  Yeah, maybe next week they’ll break out the Be Annoying and Worthless Challenge.

Sarah appears to win the competition but she touched a cup just before she reached the table and is disqualified.  Blakeley wins instead.  Sarah says, “It sucks to win a competition and then get DQ’ed.  Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel.”  No you don’t.  Olympic swimmers actually have to work their entire lives for their chance to make the Olympics so they feel real disappointment.

Now it’s the guys’ turn.  Blakeley is in Tony’s face coaching him the whole time.  It annoys the shit out of everyone.  Chris takes an early lead but he drops the cups just before the finish line.  Tony wins and he says, “I thought it was so helpful that Blakeley was coaching me.”  Wow.  This dude is desperate for some poon.

The First Date — Kalon and Lindzi
Chris Harrison arrives and gives a rose to Blakeley to give to one other guy since she will be taking Tony on her date.  Without hesitation, she gives it to Kalon.  He then offers Blakeley the choice between two dates.  One is an overnight date and the other is a “regular” date.  She chooses the overnight date because she’s also desperate for some poon.

Kalon and Lindzi will be taking the first date.  Lindzi is given jewelry like in Pretty Woman and Kalon gets keys to a Bentley.  Blakeley is not happy.  

Kalon follows the GPS where it tells him to go.  Eventually, they stop on a bridge that has been shut down so they can have dinner.  As if traffic isn’t bad enough in L.A.  Right, people from L.A.?  (I’ve never driven in L.A.)  For the first time ever, someone (Kalon) acknowledges that he could never live up to a date like this in real life.

Kalon tells Lindzi, “I never in a million years thought I would find this.  I’m actually, possibly, maybe in love with the person I’m here with.”  Way to actually, possibly, almost say something meaningful.
Lindzi makes it a point to talk about how misunderstood Kalon is.  Too bad no one cares.

Back at the House…
Chris says to Sarah, “I went from the king of the castle to the servant.  How did this happen?”  He’s so self-absorbed that he truly has no idea how he got himself into this situation.  Not only is he dumb, but he has zero sense of himself.  Pretty sure those are textbook signs of a psychopath.  

Chris hatches a plan to convince Ed and Nick to vote Lindzi off.  He wants to take Lindzi down with him to spite Kalon.

The Second Date — Blakeley and Tony
The date card reads, “Choose one woman to see the stars.”  Blakeley immediately assumes that it will be jets and Vegas and a huge over-the-top date.

Instead, they get keys to a jeep that is parked outside.  Blakeley can’t hide her disappointment.  Tony is psyched to just be on a date with Blakeley.  Blakeley can’t shut up about what awesome thing might be next.  They drive out to the desert and they have a picnic set up outside a trailer.  Perfect.  I can’t wait for Walter White to show up to teach them how to cook meth.

We’re then treated to boring conversation about how they are falling for each other because they have to share that bed inside the camper.  It’s probably the least interesting stretch of TV I’ve ever witnessed.
Tony turns on the radio in the car and they dance.  The only thing better than this white trash date would be if the producers bailed and left the car battery to die and Tony and Blakeley were stranded in the desert.

While Tony and Blakeley climb into the trailer, we see a montage of everyone making out with their partners and Ed passed out on the couch while Jaclyn pats his head.

Back at the House…
Chris sucks up to Ed and apologizes.  Ed agrees to forget about it.  Chris tells Ed that Kalon “handled it like a little boy.”  Wait, who ran to his bed and hid under the covers?  Who shouted at each other like children?  Who said “grown ass man” about twelve times?  

When Blakeley and Tony return and tell everyone the story of their date, Chris’ reaction is that Tony is brainwashed.  Blakeley is worried that Tony will give Sarah the rose.  

Tony and Chris talk.  Tony says that everything that happened on the date was “pleasantly unexpected.”  Chris replies, “So you owe me one.”  Yes, everything is about you, Chris.  You’re just like my daughter except my daughter’s excuse is that she’s 15 months old.  What’s yours?  Chris then tries to convince Tony to give the rose to Sarah — or at least not give it to Lindzi.  He tells Tony that he, “Does not want Kalon and Lindzi there at the end.”  Really?  You don’t want the guy that no one likes at the end when the rest of the cast votes for the winning couple?  Chris thinks everyone else is dumb — another sign of a psychopath.

When Tony is about to announce who he is giving the rose to, Chris interrupts and talks to him outside.  He tries to convince Tony to give it to Sarah one last time.  I’m not exactly sure how this helps him but he’s sticking to that play.  Tony gives the rose to Jaclyn.

The Scheming
Everyone knows their votes.  They will vote off Chris and Sarah.  No one’s mind can be changed.
Chris Harrison comes out to talk about the couples.  He points out that Kalon and Lindzi, Michael and Rachel and Tony and Blakeley are all partners and couples.  When he gets to Ed and Jaclyn, Ed says that he told himself that he wouldn’t get involved romantically and he still won’t.  He says, “I came here to have fun first.  I’m happy to have Jaclyn as a partner but I’m not interested.”  Jaclyn clearly does not feel the same way and is obviously hurt.  Ed don’t care, he’s just crazy fun guy, whoop-de-doo!

Chris Harrison then says, “I think it’s time to shake things up.”  He announces that all of them will vote for one woman.  The woman who is eliminated will get to choose the one man who goes home as well.
This ruins Chris’ plan to send Lindzi home because he knows she would choose him, but he sees that it gives him new life.  Michael develops a scheme to send Erica home but make it look like it was Chris’ idea.  

After much scheming, Jaclyn tells Erica that Chris is voting for her.  Erica confronts Chris and tells him that if she goes home, Chris goes with her.  It looks like Michael’s scheme is working to perfection.  While talking with Kalon — why is he talking with Kalon again? — Chris figures out that Michael is behind it all says that he should bring Erica into the voting booth with him as a joke.  Kalon says, “Do it.”  So he does.  Michael’s scheme is foiled.  Michael admits that Chris made a nice play — which he did.

The Rose Ceremony
Jaclyn and Blakeley have roses and are safe.  Kalon and Tony have roses and cannot be picked by the girl going home.

Lindzi gets the final rose which means Erica is going home.  She chooses Michael because she wants to break up an alliance.  When Rachel confronts her, she goes off about what a terrible person Michael is and how Holly made the best decision in the world by dumping Michael.  You know, typical mean-spirited shit from a small person.  I’d celebrate that Erica is finally gone but she’s not.  We’ll have to see her again on the finale.  We can only hope that will be the last time we ever see her on TV.  She’s the Kim Kardashian of the Bachelor franchise.  That may be the worst insult I’ve ever thought of.



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Football Is Back!

My life has been filled with all sorts of crazy things recently.  Building a house, trying to rent my condo, chasing my daughter around, getting repeatedly bashed in the face by my daughter, finding new things to make my daughter laugh, finding new things to make my wife laugh, and trying to deal with the severe pain in my leg without becoming a grumpy doctor like House.  Clearly, that’s enough to keep any man so busy that he loses track of time.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I turned on the TV and football jumped right into my eyes.  I stared blankly at the TV for a second before I realized what was happening.  Then the following happened in my brain:

“This can’t be right.  It has to be a replay of a game from last season.”
“Nope, that’s Peyton Manning in a Broncos jersey.”
“Boobs.”
“Why are they playing football in July?”
“Wait, it’s not July.”
“Holy shit!  Football is back!” 
“Okay, calm down.  It’s only preseason.”
“But, but, but, FOOTBALL!!!!!”
*Black out for at least 35 seconds.*

I wake up to see Dee standing over me.  “Are you okay,” she asks.
I wipe away the drool and manage to whisper, “Football.”
She says, “Oh no.  It’s football season already?”
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
“Did you just have another football-induced seizure?”
“I just had a joy-induced seizure,” I say, “Can you bring me clean pants?”
****

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #4 - A Review

We’re only four episodes in but it feels like twelve.  We have to be due for a double vote out soon.  Please.

Before everyone can go to bed, Chris Harrison comes in.  He brings in questionnaires for everyone to fill out.  This is how they get everyone to say awful things about each other.  Kalon says, “I see where this is going.  The answer to every question is going to be me or Erica.”

The Competition
They’re calling it “Gameshow Mashup.”  The guys and girls will answer questions in separate groups.  The high scorers from each group get a rose and the low scorers get a vote against them.  In the first round they are asked Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia.  In the second round Chris reads a quote of someone saying something awful and they have to guess who said it.

The women go first.  Sarah takes an early lead and Chris is openly cheering for her which gets under Blakeley’s skin.  No one acts surprised.  Jaclyn is a close second.  The only controversial or interesting quote from this round is: “The person who has accomplished the least is Blakeley.”  This is said by Nick which no one guesses.

It comes down to the final question which Jaclyn gets right and Sarah gets wrong.  Jaclyn gets the rose and Rachel gets the vote against her.

Ed and Michael take an early lead when it’s the guys’ turn.  The quotes for this group are much more interesting:

“The amount of men I slept with is 11, no 12, no 9.”  Said by Blakeley.  

The most scandalous place they’ve ever “made whoopie” is on top of a car in a public parking lot.  Not a surprise that this is Sarah.

“Would rather sleep with Chris over her current partner because ‘he is so hot.” Said by Jamie.

“Jaclyn is the most fake because she lies and manipulates constantly.”  Also said by Jamie, and most of the guys get it right.

“Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason.”  Said by Blakeley who is giving her a run for her money as the most annoying in the house.  Clearly they are trying to amp up the drama between Jamie and Blakeley.

Ed wins the competition.  David had the lowest score.

Jaclyn is determined to send Jamie home.  She’s not going to have many problems with that.  Kalon comforts Jamie and tells her that she’s not “first on our minds.”  In his testimonial he says, “I mean, when you put a dog down you pat its head, right?”

The First Date — Jaclyn, Ed
Sarah thinks that she’s going to get to spend time with Ed while Jaclyn is out with another guy.  Wrong.  She’s pissed that Jaclyn is trying to claim Ed.  What gives Sarah more of a claim to him than Jaclyn?  Did Sarah’s blowjob somehow count for more than Jaclyn’s blowjob?

Ed and Jaclyn go to Dodger Stadium.  They goof around on the field for a while before they settle down for a picnic on the pitcher’s mound.

Jaclyn is given a rose and a note from Chris Harrison.  Jaclyn gets to give a rose to another man and that man gets to go on a date with another girl.  Jaclyn wants to give the rose to Kalon to strengthen the alliance.  Because Ed is an idiot, he wants to give it to Chris.  Jaclyn does not want to give it to Chris because she understands the game.  They’ll give it to Chris.

Meanwhile…
Chris decicdes he wants Blakeley gone.  While Blakeley bitches to Rachel, Chris seeks out Jamie for a hookup.  They go to bed and she spends the entire time asking him questions and talking about how she doesn’t want to get hurt.  Chris says, “The only way to shut her up is just to kiss her.”  He follows that up with, “Kissing Jamie… there’s just no spark there.”  And yet, Kalon is the one we’re supposed to hate?

The Second Date — Chris, Sarah
The next morning, Jaclyn and Ed give the rose to Chris.  Jamie is excited because she thinks she’s going on the date.  Blakeley thinks she deserves the date even though there is no rose to be had.  Instead, Chris chooses Sarah.

Jamie is crushed.  Surprise!  As is Blakeley.  Double Suprise Oreo!  Chris says, “I would have a million times more fun with Sarah than I would with Blakeley or Jamie.”  Blakeley pulls him aside.  She asks him to promise that he’ll be her partner through the end.  He says he can’t make that promise.  Dude is playing with fire.  I’m pretty sure Blakeley knows how to use knives.

Chris talks his way out of trouble with Jamie by saying that he can’t take her because it would ruin his partnership with Blakeley.  Jamie buys it and says, “That’s what makes him so attractive.  He doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.”  Oh, doesn’t he?  You know that stabbing feeling you’re getting while watching this at home, Jamie?  He’s enjoying that.

Chris and Sarah are hitting it off during the car ride to their date.  They stop in a parking garage.  Suddenly the car takes off at high speed around the garage.  They crash into a pile of cardboard boxes.  They are told they will be filming an action movie.  Chris is taken hostage and Sarah is to save him.  They beat up some bad guys and then they make out in the end.  Real dumb. 

They have dinner on the roof of the Checkers Hilton in downtown LA.  It’s a nice hotel and they’ll mail you your raincoat if you leave it in your room.  They are hitting it off.  Chris says, “At this point, I’m really not thinking strategically.  I’m just trying to enjoy my time with Sarah.”

Sarah says, “The chemistry between Chris and I is sexual and… hot.”  That’s not chemistry.  That’s just being horny.

Chris and Sarah decide to get a room for the night at the hotel.  Sarah says, “I think Chris is going to be a really good partner and loyal to me.”  Wait, what?  Who are these stupid girls?  

Back at the house…
Chris Harrison brings out a rose for Ed to hand out.  He wastes no time giving the rose to Rachel.  I expected him to ask if he could give it to Chris.

Jamie and Blakeley have a fight and somehow Jamie walks away thinking that she’s in the clear to be with Chris.  She decides to tell everyone about it.  Then she decides to tell us about what a great husband he will be.  Are you watching Jamie?  Don’t you long for the days when you were just the girl who made out awkwardly with Ben?

The Scheming
David knows he’s on the block.  He asks Jaclyn if there are any guys she would send home besides him.  She says Nick.  David is now on a mission to send Nick home.  He goes to Blakeley and Jamie and he seems to be winning them over.  He tries to get Michael on his side and fails.  We see Erica, Rachel and Lindzi vote for Nick.

Nick tells Jamie that he’ll vote Blakeley if she votes David.  She’s hesitant but she agrees.  David catches her one last time and tries to convince her to vote Nick.  She votes for Nick.  Nick should have staked out the door of the voting room.  She’ll vote with whoever talks to her last.

Chris talks to Michael and tells him his plan to send Blakeley home.  Michael decides to teach Chris a lesson by getting his alliance to vote out Jamie.  Kalon tells everyone what they want to hear and has a great time doing it.

Ed is confused.  More than usual, I mean.  Kalon tells them that he and everyone else is voting for Blakeley.  Ed still doesn’t know who to vote for.  Chris is 100% confident that Blakeley is going home.

The Rose Ceremony
Chris, Ed, Rachel and Jaclyn are safe.  Blakeley says, “If I’m here tomorrow, I’m going to Donkey Punch him in the throat.”  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what a Donkey Punch is.

It gets down to Nick and David and Blakeley and Jamie.  Jamie and David go home.

As she leaves, Jamie confronts Chris and says, “What you are doing to these girls is wrong.”  Chris, “What have I been doing?  Fighting to keep you here?  Whatever.”  He then waves her away.  Do we still hate Kalon more?

David is just happy he was there.  He says, “I was the last fan standing and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I really did not deserve this experience and I got to have it.  Leaving the house is the saddest thing I’ll ever do.”  Really?  He bought in to the whole “you don’t deserve it” thing?  C’mon.  You auditioned just like everyone else on this damn show.

In the car, Jamie says, “To care for someone and then to have him treat you that way…  I have very little respect for the people there.  Especially Chris.  He really thinks he’s something and he’s not.”  Oh, he’s something.  Just not what he thinks he is.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Thoughts On the Olympics

I don’t love the Olympics.  I’m not really interested.  However, I’m not completely disinterested.  If Dee is watching, I’ll sit and watch.  Unless there is preseason football on.

Why has everyone forgotten that the Beijing opening ceremonies were the exception?  The opening ceremonies are always lame and weird.

Michael Phelps has won a ton of Olympic medals.  I don’t think that having the most medals necessarily makes you the greatest Olympian.  He just has the most opportunity.  There are about a thousand different swimming events.  He’s a really good swimmer.  If they had the 100 Meter Arms Behind Your Back, the 100 Meter Arms Over Your Head, the 100 Meter Arms Flapping Out To the Side, the 100 Meter Fingers In Your Ears and the regular 100 Meters and then the 200 meter equivalents of those races, Usain Bolt would have 22 medals in the past two Olympics (and that’s if they don’t do the same variations on the relays).  Phelps just picked the right sport to pile up medals.

Also, swimming is boring.

The NBC gymnastics commentators really wanted us to hate the Russian gymnasts.  They called them divas more than teenage girls should ever be called divas by adults.  It’s not like these girls demanded to use their own apparatuses instead of the ones provided by London.

Let’s stop being disappointed when the U.S. Men’s Basketball team doesn’t win every game by 40.  Other countries have NBA players now.  In fact, many countries have several NBA players.

We should probably stop calling them the Dream Team, though.

If you like you some nice butts, you are a big fan of sprinters.

I like me some nice butts.

I would like to congratulate the human race on figuring out a way to make falling a sport.

Speaking of diving, the scariest part for me wouldn’t be jumping off the super high platform.  It would be the part where you’ve just spent all your energy and breath twisting and turning in the air and now you’re at the bottom of a pool with no air in your lungs.

Pole Vault.  NO.

When I start watching volleyball (the regular indoor kind) I think, “Man, why isn’t this sport more popular?”  Then I lose interest and wander off.

I watched BMX simply for the crashes.  How’s that for Olympic spirit?
****

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #3 - A Review

Doesn’t it seem like it’s been about three weeks since the last Bachelor Pad?  That was a great three weeks.  

The Competition
This week’s competition is an obstacle course.  Will Erica even make it past the first obstacle?  Chris Harrison calls it “Hot Sludge Funday.”  The course is covered in ingredients for a sundae.  The women must wade through ice cream, slide down a hot fudge ramp, crab walk through whipped cream and put on a sack and sprinkle themselves with nuts.  They will then tag their partner and the guys will run the course backwards.  I’m pretty sure they added the sack simply so they can make “nutsack” jokes.
Covering half-naked people in sundae toppings sounds sexy, right?  Turns out there’s a big difference between strategically placed sundae toppings and collecting pools of hot fudge in your butt crack while sliding down a ramp.  Who knew? 

The catch is that they don’t get to stick with their partner.  The guys have to partner with the girl to their left.  As usual, the losing couple gets a vote against them.  Kalon is now partnered with Erica.  He’s not worried because he thinks, “She can just eat her way through Pac-Man style.”  I like this guy.  

Jamie has opened up a big lead when she tags Ed.  Ed immediately falls behind.  David and Michael race to a photo finish.  Literally.  It’s so close they have to review the tape to determine the winner.  Meanwhile, Ed can’t pull himself up the damn wall.  Even though Jaclyn was the last girl to finish, Chris (Jaclyn’s partner for this race) manages to pass Ed and save himself from losing.  Ed doesn’t even finish because his only skill is drinking.

The video reveals that David and Rachel are the winners.  Michael says, “I think it’s safe to say that people have underestimated David.  I am one of those people.”  David and Rachel each get to go on a date and take three people each.

First Date — David, Blakeley, Erica, Jamie
They walk into a ballroom and it’s decked out like a prom.  In fact, a sign reads, “Welcome to Prom.”  There are dresses for the ladies and a tux for David.  While they are getting changed, Blakeley immediately turns on bitch mode and freezes Jamie out.  Just like a real prom.

There’s a band.  A country band of some type.  Jamie seems to know who she is.  I don’t care.  
During the prom photos, David gives Jamie a little kiss and Blakeley is appalled.  Horrified, even.

David has a crush on Jamie.  She knows it, so she turns on the waterworks and tells him that she didn’t get to go to her senior prom because it was “a weekend that my mom disappeared.”  Is there a crazy mom backstory that I completely missed?  David buys it.  

Blakeley is convinced that David owes her because she took him on a date and didn’t give him a rose.  She takes credit for him staying even though she had absolutely nothing to do with it.  This is how crazy brain works.  You do the opposite of what you promised and then convince yourself you kept the promise.
He gives the rose to Jamie.  Erica and Blakeley are sent home and Jamie and David awkwardly slow dance to a lame country song.  Just like a real prom.

Blakeley is pissed and promises that David and Jamie are going to pay.  Has she forgotten they both have roses?  On the car ride home Erica taunts Blakeley by saying, “Don’t they look like a cute couple?  They totally look like they are in love in this photo.”  If they had a competition where they kicked people while they were down, Erica would win that in a blowout.

Back at the house
Reid is on a desperate mission to keep Ed from finding out that he tried to get Ed voted out last week.  He tries to get Ed on his side.  Ed buys it.  

The party gets crazy again.  Ed hoists Jaclyn out of the pool and they head to the bedroom for sexy time.  Ed does his whooping and yelling while they are hooking up.  Really?  That’s something that you ladies will put up with?  Somewhere Sarah is crying.

Second Date — Rachel, Nick, Tony, Michael
Rachel is not concerned about the game.  She just wants to spend time with Michael.  They go to Madame Tussauds where they will be turned into wax figures in order to play pranks on Bachelor fans.  You know, the kind of pranks where they stand really still and then suddenly move and people are just kinda startled and it’s not funny or interesting or even a date.

The best part is when an unsuspecting fan describes Tony by saying, “What’s a nicer word for pathetic?”  Nope, the word you’re looking for is pathetic.

Since the date involved actively trying to avoid interaction with one another, Tony and Nick don’t have a chance.  She gives Michael the rose and they go get snuggly with each other while the creepy wax figurines watch.

Back at the house
Jamie just wants to hook up with Chris.  She says, “I just want to fall in love on TV and show my kids.”  Instead, she’ll get to show them this.  She undresses, puts on a towel and tries to join Chris in his bed.  He’s not having it.  He says, “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  She slinks away in defeat.  Afterwards, she says, “I could have made it happen.  That’s what I do, I make things happen.”  Like crying about not having anyone to spend the holidays with?  Is that an example of you making things happen?  

The Scheming
Reid wants to get rid of Ed and Blakeley.  He tells Sarah to vote Ed off again.  Sarah tells Ed that Reid is scheming to get him off.  Apparently, if you give Ed a beej, you still feel allegiance to him even though someone else has given him a beej more recently.  Ed calls Reid on his schemes.  Reid denies it.  
Michael is working to get the guys to vote off Donna.  Reid is convinced he has the votes to send Blakeley home.  

Donna is desperate.  Instead of trying to fight for herself she decides to make out with Nick instead.  Meanwhile we see Michael, Tony, Ed and Chris voting for Donna.  We see Reid, Dave and Nick vote for Blakeley.  Kalon is the swing vote.

Reid gets ahead of himself and talks to Jaclyn about being his partner after Ed is gone.  It does not go well.  Jaclyn is now on a mission to send Reid home.  Believe it or not, Ed hooking up with multiple girls is the only thing saving him right now.  

Sarah is the swing vote and there’s no way she voted for Ed.  

The Rose Ceremony
Michael, David, Jamie, Rachel are safe.  Chris Harrison says, “If I do not call your name you will be leaving Bachelor Pad forever.”  Unless you are Erica Rose and you get invited to every season.  It gets down to Ed and Reid and Blakeley and Donna.  Chris says it’s the closest vote yet this season.  Blakeley and Ed get the roses.  Donna and Reid go home.

Before Donna and Reid go home, Jaclyn says, “We need to re-evaluate how we play this game and be honest.”  Yes, Jaclyn.  Plead for honesty among this group of money-grubbing attention whores.  That should work.

Reid knows that he got played and he’s in shock.  Mostly he’s pissed that Ed outlasted him again.

Donna says, “I’m not used to guys sending me home.  Usually they are throwing themselves at me and they are going to miss me in my bikini.”  They may miss you in your bikini but they’re not going to miss your butterface.



Monday, August 06, 2012

Stupid Tweets

This probably makes me a bad person but the first thing I thought when I read this tweet was, "When you achieve your dreams at 17, what else do you have to live for?" Also, I know she's just 17 and I should probably be cutting her some slack but shouldn't she have included something in the tweet about working hard to fulfill those dreams?  She didn't just dream about being a good swimmer and suddenly wake up and win four gold medals at the Olympics.  She also worked her ass off.  Sure, she's gifted genetically but so is everyone else at the Olympics.  It's the hard work that makes the difference between a gold medal and just showing up.

Okay, I'll stop picking on America's sweetheart and move to picking on America's favorite empty shell.
Or you could be born into a wealthy family, befriend another vapid rich kid, make a sex tape with a moderately famous rapper and leverage that into a crappy reality show that gives kids the impression that you don't actually have to work for anything in your life if you are beautiful.  But keep telling yourself that you're seeking God.  That seems to be working for you.
****

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Thoughts on Chick-fil-A

Since it seems to be the hot thing to do now, I thought I would add my two cents to the whole Chick-fil-A debate.

  • Chick-fil-A is an independent corporation and they can do whatever they want with the profit they earn — so long as they are not breaking any laws.  If we don’t like what they are doing with their money, we have the right to protest or organize a boycott. If other citizens happen to like what they do with their money, they are free to show their support.  That’s exactly how free-speech works.  
  • I’m surprised that this is all happening right now.  Chick-fil-A has been donating money to anti-gay causes for years.  Once Dee and I found out, we quietly organized our own little boycott.  We haven’t eaten at a Chick-fil-A in about four years.
  • I actually think this current furor over Chick-fil-A may be detrimental to the gay rights cause.  Chick-fil-A has now become a dividing point on the issue.  Everyone now has a team to rally to.  You’re either a Chick-fil-A supporter or you’re a Chick-fil-A detractor and the other side is just a bunch of stupid assholes.  That’s not debate and it’s not going to do anything to move us forward.
  • Why haven’t we stopped using the term “gay rights” and started using the term “human rights” in its place?  
  • I don’t have to agree with something to recognize that others have the right to do it.  I disagree with everything the KKK stands for but I understand that they have the right to run around in white pajamas and dunce caps and say hateful things.  I also have the right to make fun of their pajamas and dunce caps and completely dismiss their bigotry.
  • This is a religious issue.  Let’s not pretend that it isn’t.  Religion is a man-made system of beliefs based on what humans interpret a divine being to have passed down.  There are several versions of this and not a single one can prove the existence of their divine being.  That doesn’t mean that some kind of divine being does not exist, but it puts a major dent in your ability to claim that your religion is The Truth.  That means you don’t get to legislate your religion.
  • If it’s not clear, I’m saying that all laws pertaining to marriage should be immediately amended to include homosexuals.
  • Also, I’d like to see more posts about where I can go to donate money or time to pro-gay causes.  That seems like the real opportunity here.  Why haven’t I seen anyone trying to pass this information along?
****

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #2 - A Review

I missed the first ten minutes of the show because, you know, I don’t care.  

When I joined the show, Michael was choreographing a rhythmic gymnastics routine with the guys and Erica was bitching about everything.  I guess I didn’t miss a thing.

The Competition
The men and women will each be performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine.  Three judges will determine who was the best and worst from each group.  The winners get a rose and a date.  The losers get a vote against them.

The judges are Ashley and JP (from a previous season of The Bachelorette) and Tashsa Schwikert (an Olympic gymnast).  When Ashley and JP come out Dee says, “Ugh.  They never go away.”
The ladies perform first and they are awful.  In the season’s biggest shocker, Erica doesn’t even try.  Molecules bouncing around in a tea kettle are more organized than this performance.

The guys actually look like they know what they are doing.  You know, for guys who have never done anything like this before.  Michael is clearly in charge orchestrating the whole thing and there is no doubt he will win the rose.

The judges tag Erica and Ed as the worst.  Once again, Erica has a vote against her.  Can someone tell me what she brings to this show?  In her three seasons she’s never won a competition or managed to get any man to take the slightest bit of interest in her.

Blakeley and Michael are declared the winners.  They each get to take three people on their dates and they will award one rose at the end of the date.

Erica begs Michael to take her on the date and give her the rose.  Why exactly would he do that?  He tells her what she wants to hear and then promply invites Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on the date.  

The Date — Michael, Rachel, Lindzi, Donna
They go to a theater for a concert by some band that sounds a lot like Nickelback.  You know, awful.  They never actually tell us the name of the band.  Man, that band is gonna be pissed.  Donna tries to get time in with Michael but Rachel moves in and starts making out with Michael.  We don’t ever see Michael and Rachel talk to each other.  They only make out.

Donna shows Michael a portrait she drew of him.  He looks a little cartoony but otherwise it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  Unless you’re the kind of person who gets embarrassed by drawing creepy fan art.  Donna is very open about her crush.  Michael says, “I wanted to give her something in return.  You know, fulfill a bit of a fantasy for her.  It’s sweet.”  So nice of you to throw her a bone and give her the gift of you.

He gives the rose to Rachel.

Back at the House
Ryan makes a cake for Jamie’s birthday.  He makes “birthday girl” out of Twizzlers and marshmallows on her bed.  He’s pouring it on and Jaime doesn’t give a shit because she’s too busy battling Blakeley for Chris.  Really?  Chris is worth fighting over?  You’re fighting over a 5-year-old, ladies.

Chris tells Jamie he has to stick with Blakeley simply because she won the challenge.  Jamie buys it and says, “I can’t believe you like me so much.”  Guess what, he doesn’t like you that much.  He’ll trade you in for someone else in a heartbeat.

Chris then tells Blakeley that he is just using Jamie and he doesn’t have feelings for her.  Chris and Blakeley go off to her bed to make out.  Jamie finds them because she sleeps in the bunk above Blakeley.  My favorite part of this is that they force adults to sleep in bunk beds.

The Date — Blakeley, Chris, Ed, Dave
Blakeley tells Chris that she wants to invite Dave on the date “to be nice.”  Chris has no idea what the words “to be nice” mean so he gets pissed.

They will be racing soap box derby cars.  There is absolutely zero context for this.  They each pick out a car and decorate it.  Chris quickly decorates his car so he can spend the rest of the time being a dick to Dave.  He does take a few seconds to talk about how he’ll destroy everyone in the race, but mostly he’s just being a dick to Dave.

Ed wins the race.  Dave finishes last.  Of course, the race means nothing in the scheme of the game and in life in general.

In the evening, they hang out in the house the Bachelor or Bachelorette stays at when they film the show.  

Dave tries to appeal to her status as the outsider on her season with Ben.  He draws parallels to his situation.  It’s the best play he’s got.  He ends it by saying, “There’s only one thing I can offer you.  My vote is yours.  I’ll do whatever you say.”  Well played, fanboy.

Ed asks Chris if he is in to Blakeley.  Chris says that he’s into it for the money.
Blakeley asks Chris, “Are you in this with me?”  
Chris says, “I could sit in a 8 by 8 storage room with you and be happy.”  
Blakeley says, “Don’t be a smart ass.”  She’s finally starting to catch on.  Then she says, “I need to know right now if your are in this with me.”  
Chris says, “100%.”  And then he pouts like a child.  
Blakeley thanks Dave for being a good fan but she gives the rose to Chris because no one wants to teach him a lesson.

The Party
The party is getting crazy.  Girls are making out with each other.  Dave is making out with one of the twins.  Michael and Rachel are making out and Lindzi and Kalon are hitting it off.  Ed and Jaclyn start hitting it off but Sarah decides that she needs to hook up so she takes off her top and jumps in the pool with Ed.  They head to the bedroom.  Under the sheets Sarah is doing something to him (I think we can safely assume it’s a blowjob) while he makes whooping noises for the whole house to hear.

The twins try to get Nick and Tony on their side but the twins just end up bickering with each other.  Everyone goes to bed but the twins keep arguing.  Britney decides she wants to go home but Erica wants to stay.  At one point, one of them says, “Why are you doing this to us?”  Their grasp of the English language is tenuous at best.  Eventually, they decide to go home.  Erica wakes Dave up to say goodbye.  In response, Dave yawns.

In the morning, Dave has no memory of Erica saying goodbye and he is shocked they are gone.  Strangely, he doesn’t seem disappointed.

Scheming
Chris Harrison announces that with the departure of the twins, the ladies are all safe.

The night begins with everyone assuming Dave is going home.  Kalon decides that he wants Ryan to go home because Ryan is not on his side — in just about every way imaginable.  He sets Lindzi on a mission to send Ryan home.  She happily gets Jaclyn, Lindzi, Rachel, Blakeley to vote for Ryan.  Meanwhile, Reid doesn’t like that Ed and Chris are scheming together.  He tries to get Sarah (yes, the girl that just hooked up with him), Donna and Erica to vote him out.  If Jamie votes Reid’s way, Ed will go home.  For some reason, Sarah tells Ed that she voted for him.  She then breaks down in tears once she realizes she has voted for the only guy she hooked up with.  

The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to Ryan and Ed.  Ed gets the rose.  Yes, Jamie voted for her own partner.  Now she’s left with trying to pry Chris away from Blakeley or teaming up with Dave.  

Here’s what Ryan said in the car, “Boring, boring, boring.  Boring boring.  Boring, boring boring.”
****

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Premiere - A Review

Bachelor Pad is back and Chris Harrison promises that it will be the craziest season yet.  Plus, they’ve invited Bachelor and Bachelorette fans to join the show this season — as if that’s not what all of these people were in the first place.

The Contestants
Chris — You remember Chris.  We just watched him rage out on everyone for no reason on Emily’s The Men Tell All episode.  He’s the first to arrive and he reveals that he has a crush on Lindzi.

Lindzi — She’s the girl who lost to Courtney on Ben’s season.  She’s still wearing so much makeup she’s practically claymation.  

Reid — He was the runner-up on Jillian’s season.  He lost Jillian to Ed.  He’s also Dee’s favorite.  She claps when he shows up.

Ed — He won Jillian’s season then cheated on her.  He fully admits to this.  He does this douchey thing where he keeps pretending that he doesn’t know what he’s doing there.

Blakeley — From Ben’s season.  She was the crazy “VIP Cocktail Waitress.”  Now she waxes vaginas for a living.  She thinks Jaclyn is a friend.  

Jaclyn — From Ben’s season.  She is not Blakeley’s friend.  In fact, she is certain that she will go farther than Blakeley “because I actually have a college degree.”  However, she plans to keep Blakeley around so they can torture her.  Clearly, she’s this season’s bitch.  

Kalon — They couldn’t resist bringing in the asshole from Emily’s season.  I’m actually excited about this.  He’s comfortable in the villain role.  He says, “I’m going to ruin your fucking summer.”  Please do.

Nick — From Ashley’s season.  Completely unremarkable.

Rachel — From Ben’s season.  She seems to be in league with the bitches.  At the very least she’s part of Team Hate Blakeley.

Sarah — From Brad’s 1st season.  No one remembers her because he went home on the third episode (which she has to explain).  She says, “I think it’s annoying that the fans are here.”  No, you think it’s annoying the fans don’t know who the fuck you are.

Ryan — From DeAnna’s season.  He was the 28-year-old virgin.  Now he’s the 32-year-old virgin.  He also doesn’t drink.  He’s going to be a blast.

Tony — From Emily’s season.  He went home crying about his kid.  Apparently he’s over that.

Jamie — She’s the crazy awkward kisser from Ben’s season.  She’s wearing makeup like a clown and Harry Potter may hop on one of her eyebrows and fly away to play some Quiddich.

Michael — You know him from about six different seasons of all of the shows.  He won Bachelor Pad last season.  He claims to be there “for the love” this time.

Erica Rose — From every single season of Bachelor Pad ever.  She knows Kalon.  There is bad blood between them.  Surprise.  

Kalon — Drives up in a Porsche and hands the keys to Chris Harrison.  Most people don’t know who he is because this was being filmed before Emily’s season aired.  Erica wastes no time letting people know.  

The Fans
Paige — She’s from New York and she’s hoping Chris is on the show.  She’s starstruck which will totally annoy everyone.  She immediately tells Chris that she has a crush on him.

Chris “SWAT” — He’s a SWAT officer which is why he’s called Chris “SWAT.”  When he arrives, he takes a picture with Chris Harrison.  His time here will be short.

Donna — The sexy one.  Her intro video is all tits and ass.  That also happens to be the only reason she’ll last longer than three episodes on this show.  The other girls immediately start talking trash about her as soon as she walks in.

David — He’s an MMA fighter.  He’s also tiny.

Brittany and Erica T. — They are twins and they will be playing as one person.  They are dumb and shallow — even by Bachelor Pad standards.  Erica is a virgin and Brittany is most definitely not.  An example of their idiocy: One says, “We have an advantage because we have each other.  They are every man for themselves and we are every man for ourselves.”  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, annoying and dumb.

The Party
Ed is wasted.  He strips down and jumps into the pool in his underwear.  This is meant to imply that things are getting crazy but it seems like everyone else has managed to keep it together.

Chris Harrison rounds up the crew to explain the show.  Win a competition, get a rose and take someone on a date.  The ladies vote out the guys.  The guys vote out the ladies.  The twins will vote as one and they take turns competing.  Chris informs them they will be competing in tomorrow’s competition as couples.

They immediately begin to pair off.  Reid chooses Paige and Erica quickly chooses Nick because, “I do not want to be partners with any of the fans.  It would be like inviting the help to sleep in your bed.”  Yes, she just said “the help.”

Chris and Blakeley pair up.  When Chris tells her that he’s going to “make sure the other girls aren’t mad at him,” she freaks out.  She’s clearly going for some kind of world record of crazy.

Kalon picks Donna, David pairs up with the twins, Michael and Sarah pair off, Tony and Lindzi team up, and Jaclyn is stuck with a super-drunk Ed.  There are other pairings but they don’t bother to show us who.

The Competition
The couples have to climb into a giant heart and stay in as long as possible.  The hearts are connected to a crane and will slowly tilt.  The couple who stays in the longest wins the roses and the first couple to fall out will receive one vote against each of them.

Erica and Nick fall out almost immediately.  Surprisingly, Erica is annoyed at someone other than herself.

The final two couples are Brittany (a twin) and David and Reid and Paige.  Brittany and David manage to hang on.  Everyone else is pissed because they were all planning on sending the twins home.

The Date — David, Brittany and Erica
They go to a boardwalk and ride a bunch of carnival rides.  As they ride the rides, David compares them to the rides contestants went on during their dates.  Then they go skinny dipping.  The clips of the date didn’t even last as long as it took me to type this.

Back at the House
Jamie pulls Chris out of the pool and asks him to chat.  They head to a private room to make out.  Jaclyn informs Blakeley of the situation.  They search the house.  Blakeley breaks in on Chris and Jamie making out.  Chris claims they were just talking.  Time for Blakeley to spin into crazy mode.  Crying, she says, “He’s not my boyfriend but I care enough about him to not disrespect him.”

The Scheming
Dave tells Erica he plans to vote her out.  Because he is an idiot.  This kicks Erica into full bitch mode.  She says to David, “I think you are an ugly loser and your plan is not going to work and that you doesn’t deserve to be there.”  She’s disgusted that “a fan is doing this to her.”

It’s now fans against “veterans” and the fans are badly outnumbered.  SWAT is basically fucked because none of the girls are going to vote Nick over him.

Erica rallies the guys to vote Paige out.  When Reid discovers that Paige is likely going home, he tries to save her.  He doesn’t have to work hard to convince Kalon to vote for Erica but he completely forgets to talk to SWAT.  SWAT is the wildcard.  He’s pissed that the other fans fucked him but he also knows they are his only possible allies.

The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to SWAT and Nick for the guys and Erica and Paige for the girls.

Nick and Erica get the roses.  SWAT and Paige go home.  Next on the chopping block, Dave and the twins.  Then we’ll truly see how long Donna’s T&A can keep her around.
****