Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #5 - A Review

As promised, Ben and his harem are off to Puerto Rico.  During the intro drops the phrase, “Latin swagger.”  Yep, this is the guy that dozens of women are fighting over.

First Date — Nicki
The date card is in Spanish and Rachel sounds about as American as one could sound while trying to read it.  Emily translates it to something like, “Let’s find a new love in old San Juan.”  Boring.  Also, we’re only five minutes in and we’ve heard “You better check yourself, bitch,” from Courtney about fifteen times.

The real star of the show.
Helicopter is back two weeks in a row.  I have a feeling that Helicopter is going to be the main mode of transportation while they’re in Puerto Rico.  I’m told driving is both dangerous and super dangerous on that island.  Nicki and Ben just kind of meander around.  Apparently, this was his whole plan.  To just walk around.  On cue, it begins to rain.  Looks like walking around is out.  Nicki is saved from the worst date ever.  They change plans and go buy stereotypical Puerto Rican clothes.  Because this is TV, they do not have to tote around their wet clothes.  They just magically disappear.  So you’re telling me the producers have a place for their wet clothes but no one could hand them a fucking umbrella?

Eventually it stops raining and they decide to sit outside a church where a wedding is happening.  Now they’ll both be forced to think deep thoughts.  Not really, that’s impossible.

In the evening they do the standard outdoor dinner.  Ben asks her about her divorce.  She tells him she’s over it.  He says it’s cool.  He gives her a rose.  They make out while we get a sappy voice over of Nicki talking about falling in love.  I’m pretty sure we’ve seen this exact date with a girl named Nicki (or Nikki) on every other season of this show.

Group Date — Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B., Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, Blakeley
The date card reads, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”  

Instead of taking them shopping for jewelry, he rounds them up to play some baseball.  What a curveball!  The card said “diamonds” but it didn’t mean jewelry!  Oh ho!  Does Ben’s lameness ever end?  Ben and what I assume are local players run the girls through some fielding drills and batting practice and the girls are just having fun.  Chris Harrison shows up to tell them that there will be a romantic beach party but not everyone is invited.  They will be split into teams and the winners will go to the party.  The rest will go back to the hotel.  There are nine girls, so Ben chooses one girl to play for both teams.  He chooses Lindzi.

Courtney and Blakeley are randomly chosen as captains and Courtney gets first pick for some unknown reason.  Courtney selects Kacie B, Casey S, and Jamie.  They will be the Red Team.  Blakeley selects Emily, Jennifer and Rachel.  They will be the blue team.  

They are to play two innings and Ben is the designated pitcher.  The Red Team racks up 5 runs in the top of the first.  The Blue Team responds with 3.  At the end of the second the Blue Team manages to tie it up and they go to extra innings.  In the bottom of the fifth the Red Team leads 10-9 and Jennifer strikes out to end the game.  The Blue Team goes home.  Crying.  Seriously broken down, painful crying.

Wait.  Blakeley’s occupation reads: “VIP Cocktail Waitress.”  Is that code for stripper?  That’s totally code for stripper.

I bet you’ll never guess who says, “There’s no crying in baseball.”  That’s right, Courtney, who is not afraid of any cliché.  She predictably gloats.

Ben heads to the beach with Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., Jamie and Lindzi.  Instead of seeing the one-on-one time with the girls, we just see short clips of each girl while Courtney gives a trash talking voice over.  We’re all okay with this?  I mean, we’ve seen Courtney before on every other season and we’re supposed just accept another full season of the self-centered, bitch?

Ben gives Kacie B. the rose.  Courtney roars.  She pulls Ben away and tells him that she “needs” time alone with him.  This girl screams red flag but he’s blinded by hot.  Wait, when have we seen this before?  Every.  Single.  Season.

You get that The Bachelor producers think you’re stupid, right?  They trot out the exact same show every single season and expect you to watch.  And you do.  I’m disappointed in all of us.

Third Date — Elyse
The date card reads, “Let’s find love somewhere private.”

Elyse spends the whole day getting way too worked up about the date.  Ben shows up and takes her out on a yacht.  She tells him about how her engagement fell apart.  Then she lays on the pressure by telling him that she quit her job and missed her best friend’s wedding to do the show.  Guilt trips are always a great move.    

In the evening, they have the standard dinner date on the beach.  Ladies, is the wet dog look sexy?  Ben always looks like a wet dog.  He calls Elyse out on her earlier statement that “she’s accomplished everything she wanted to accomplish.”  She says, “As a single woman,” then follows up with, “I’m sick of being single.”  As soon as she says she’s annoyed that other girls have been on dates, the you’re-going-home look washes over Ben’s face.  She doesn’t get the rose.

She breaks down crying, of course.  I think it’s mostly because she didn’t get far enough to make Bachelor Pad.

Back at the House
The guy comes in to take her bag and the girls freak out.  Courtney says, “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.”  That was awfully Jersey Shore of her to say.

Courtney has a plan.  She’s going to go skinny dipping with Ben.  She says to the camera, “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before.”  If America doesn’t completely hate her already, that sentence did it.  Courtney stakes out his room and brings a bottle of wine and some lotion “for a massage.”  Ben admits that he wants to spend more time with her even though he’s “not sure how he feels” about Courtney “breaking the rules.”  He just wants to skinny dip with her.  So he does.  Because he’s weak.

The Cocktail Party
Ben feels bad about the skinny dipping incident but not so bad that he’s going to tell everyone.  Jennifer pulls him away and thanks him for their earlier one-on-one date.  They make out.  Blakeley starts to freak out when she sees him with Jennifer.  Blakeley tells him that she writes something down that she likes about him every day.  You know, like an eight year-old.  Strangely, it may have saved her.  Then we get another montage of Ben with the other girls while Courtney talks trash.  Twice in one show?  Really?  It’s pretty much a lock that she’s not showing up to the After the Rose show now that this episode has aired, right?

Courtney starts a skinny dipping conversation because she clearly wants the girls to find out.  Suddenly, all the girls are talking about how hard it is to keep from getting naked.  Do all women have this problem?  Why aren’t they talking to me about it?

Emily tells Ben how she hasn’t thought about Courtney at all and she wants to focus on her relationship with Ben.  She says that she wishes she hadn’t said anything.  Then she says it all again.  Ben tells her to “drop it.”  He was dangerously close to you’re-going-home face.

The Rose Ceremony
Nicki and Kacie B have roses so they are safe.  Emily and Jennifer are left when Ben gets down to the final rose.  In a bit of a shocker, Emily gets the final rose.  Both Emily and Jennifer look shocked.  Jennifer is the most unattractive crier ever.  It’s like she’s got some kind of weird crying hiccups.

Next week they will be going to Panama City.  That’s in Panama.
****

Monday, January 30, 2012

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

I’m watching the Pro Bowl as I type this, but only because Dee is feeding Scarlett in the other room.  Once she comes back out I’m sure the TV will be tuned to the SAG awards or something Kardashian related.  I will then shoot myself in the balls.

If you want to guarantee that your baby gets sick, take her to another child’s one-year birthday party.

My daughter does a great walrus impression.  Just wait for her to sneeze.  She’s got some of the biggest snot tusks I’ve ever seen.

How many more years until they completely outlaw tackling in the Pro Bowl?

Good news, everyone.  Dee didn’t force me to change the channel to something awful, she just asked me for a divorce and moved out.

Is Miller Lite trying to convince us that a bunch of hipster judges would choose anything other than PBR at the World Beer Cup?

Actual conversation:
Dee: Kristin Wiig is dating the lead singer of The Strokes
Me: Oh, you mean, Brian Aneurysm?

If you are out in public and wearing pants, congratulations, you are not a complete fuck-up.

Cam Newton wore one of those super-trendy shirt dresses for the Pro Bowl.  Unfortunately, he chose the wrong shoes.  Flats?  Really?

If you bring a Taco Bell Taco 12-pack to my party you better also bring a Charmin 12-pack.

Actual email conversation:
Dee: “Just wanted to say thank you for taking care of things laser night so I could get to bed early.  I love you.”
Me: “No problem, baby.  I knew you were tired and needed some rest.  Also, ‘laser night’ sounds awesome.”

Yep, I’m a great husband and I’m hilarious.  Living with me must be super awesome.

I’m amazed that we don’t hear more swearing when they mic up football players and open them up live.  I would embarrass my entire family in 2.3 seconds.
****

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #4 - A Review

I guess I’m actually going to review this show after all.  I have no idea what has happened in the previous three episodes, nor do I care.  In fact, it might turn into a fun little game of guess the crazy one.  Well, guess the most crazy one.

This guy's name is Ben Flajnik
This week Ben is taking the ladies to Park City, Utah.  Full disclosure: I just learned his name during the intro.

Helicopter!  You knew I was back!  You opened the episode with this floppy haired dork inside you while he narrates in a stilted fashion.  Is this how he talks?  Like he’s reading everything he says?  While Ben flies in on Helicopter the ladies are flown in on a regular old airplane.  Airplanes are boring and slutty.  They let so many people inside them.

Holy shit, there are still thirteen girls left.  Thirteen.  He better eliminate about seven tonight or this season is going to last through July.

Chris leaves our thirteen girls with a date card and then says, “I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.”  That pretty much guarantees that we won’t see all of them at the next rose ceremony.  Plus, they’ve already teased a “shocking” exit.

First Date — Rachel
She receives the card and is excited but anxious because, “My last relationship broke up with me.”  Wow.  She was so bad that her boyfriend didn’t just dump her, the entire relationship dumped her.  The relationship was all, “I’m not even going to allow you to use me as a construct to categorize your interactions with this other person.”  Snap.

Some girl immediately breaks down crying because he’s going on a date with someone else.  Again, do these girls not know what they’re getting into?  Something tells me she’s the crazy one because they didn’t bother putting her name up on the screen.  We’re all just supposed to know who she is.  Is it Kacie?  I can’t tell if the girl in the interview is the same girl from before the commercial break.  Her hair has changed and frankly that’s the only way I can tell these girls apart.  If I was The Bachelor, I would just call them all Kymberlie and hope they keep accepting roses.

Ben comes to pick up Rachel and the rest of the girls watch him and Rachel get whisked off by Helicopter.  Don’t worry, Helicopter, I know you’re not cheating.  You’re just doing your job.  They set down in a meadow and take a little walk to a lake and hop in a canoe.  Ben seduces her by saying things like, “It’s so nice,” and “It’s so romantic.”  Yes, he does always talk like he’s reading cue cards.

Rachel keeps talking about how hard first dates are for her.  Now we know why.  There is only awkward silence and weird conversation about how bright the sun is.  Also, beaver dams.  No, a beaver dam is not some kind of birth control.  It’s a dam built by beavers, you perverts.

In the evening they walk through what very well might be a haunted forest to an even creepier log cabin for dinner.  In what is barely concealed foreshadowing, Rachel says, “Why spend time in a relationship that’s not going anywhere?”  Ben replies, “Agreed.”

She admits that she’s not good at opening up and tells Ben to ask if he needs to know anything about her.  If the producers knew what they were doing, they would splice in the “Whatever you like” scene from Coming to America.  We are lead to believe that this saved the date and she gets a rose.

Group Date — Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney 
The date card reads, “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.”  I can only assume that means they’ll all be donning catchers gear and Ben will be firing fastballs at them.  

Judging by everyone’s awkward reactions to her being invited, Courtney is also a crazy one.  At the very least she’s the one that everyone hates.  Also, did she get punched in the mouth in the last episode?  She talks like someone gave her a fat upper lip.

Ben comes riding in across a river on a horse.  You can see the mist rising from the girls’ panties.  The girls then mount up and ride to a river for fly fishing.  Really?  On a group date where you’re supposed to get to know these girls, you take them to do something that requires a ridiculous amount of skill and experience and silence?  Brilliant.  Everyone dons super-sexy waiters and flails around with their fishing poles.  Kacie keeps saying, “Ben and I have a connection,” like she’s trying to convince the whole world.  Courtney pulls Ben away to another part of the river to get some private instruction and maybe even show him her beaver dam.  Meanwhile, all the other girls have completely given up and started drinking.  Why?  Because fishing is the worst date activity ever.  Lindzi finds Ben and Courtney and is determined to show Ben that she can fish.  Courtney immediately catches a fish.  You can actually hear Lindzi’s hate meter going off.  

In the evening they head to a lodge for drinks.  In fact, it may be the very lodge they are staying in.  Ben immediately pulls Casey S. away for some time alone.  Some girl walks over to interrupt his time with Casey.  She immediately tells him a story about how her boss died two weeks before she came on the show.  Ben counters by telling her that he lost a friend two days before he came on the show.  No one likes a show off, Ben.  Then they make out.  Dead people are sexy.  Samantha decides to interrupt their make out session.  She decides to bitch about always going on group dates.  He listens quietly then sends her home.  BAM.  Message sent.

He takes Kacie away for some one-on-one time to some random make out room.  He admits that he wanted to kiss her in the river but he didn’t because all of the other girls were watching.  They take turns calling each other schmoopie and they make out.

Courtney is pouting and she’s ready to unleash her best guilt trip.  Ben takes her away to lay her down by the fire.  She tells him that she really likes him but that she’s having a really hard time.  She says she’s lost touch with her feelings for him because there are other girls around.  He feels bad that she’s having a hard time so he gives her the rose.  She played him like a fiddle.  Once she gets the rose she says, “Winning.”  Did she still think that would still be cool by the time this aired?  Did she think that was ever cool?

Third Date — Jennifer
The card reads, “Let’s pick our love song.”  The rest of the card must have read, “Wear your frumpiest outfit.”

He takes her on a hike and they climb a fence with a “No Trespassing” sign.  He informs her that they are going to repel into a crater, hang and then drop into the water at the bottom.  She’s freaked out but she sacks up and straps in.  They hang for a long time and then drop into the water.  Then they make out awkwardly while trying to tread water.

In the evening they have a little meal outside near a fire while thunder rolls in the background.  They talk about boring relationship stuff then the sky opens up and they both run for cover.  They try to make it sound romantic but it was basically just sprinting.  He tells her he wasn’t sure he was going to find a connection with her but he enjoyed the date and gives her the rose.  They head to a concert by some guy I’ve never heard of before but who Jennifer calls “a superstar.”  Apparently, words don’t mean anything anymore.

Why do the contestants on this show continue to insist that the Bachelor sets up these dates?  It’s easily the most insulting part of the show.

I know lots and lots of Americans like country music but holy shit it is terrible.

The Cocktail Party
Time to overanalyze who has roses.  Ben comes in an thanks the women for “being open.”  That’s clearly an invitation for someone to talk shit about Courtney to Ben.  Emily jumps at the chance to tell him about “another girl” who isn’t “being real.”  Ben tells her that she’s going to go crazy if she tries to figure everything out and that focusing another girl is going to be the end of her.  When Emily comes back with her tail between her legs, Casey S. defends Courtney.  Emily flips out.  There’s always one girl who loses it over another girl.  Casey immediately goes to Courtney to rat Emily out.  Do these women ever watch this show?  Courtney says, “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what at least one of those things mean.  

Courtney decides that she’s going to confront Emily but only in the most passive-aggressive way possible.  Kacie asks the group, “Who feels like they’ve learned more about themselves in the last two weeks than they have in their whole life?”  Nearly everyone raises their hand except for Courtney.  She uses that to draw attention to her and then bitches out on basically everyone in the room.  Same shit, different faces.  How many more episodes before someone decides to go home to keep her job?

The Rose Ceremony
The roses look really weird without leaves or thorns on them.  Have they been doing that for every season or just this one?  They look really odd today.

Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley and Casey S. get the first seven roses.  The final rose goes to Emily.  I’m willing to bet good money that she doesn’t get the hint to stop talking trash about Courtney.
Monica goes home.  She doesn’t seem surprised or upset until she gets in the car.  She give some pitiful speech about how she’s not even sure true love exists anymore.  Yes, because you didn’t find love on a television game show it’s rational to come to the conclusion that true love doesn’t exist.

Next week they will be going to Puerto Rico.  Courtney says, “I was just there two weeks ago.”  Ben awkwardly says, “Well, we’re going back.”  Isn’t she delightful?
****

Monday, January 23, 2012

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

I had to run some errands, so I only saw the first quarter and the very last drive of the Ravens-Patriots game.  Somehow I think that was all I needed to see.

Question: What in the hell was Joe Flacco doing on that 3rd and 1 play after the dropped touchdown pass?  He could have very easily run for a first down.  Instead, he threw one of the worst passes in playoff history.  Make a play, man.  Never put your Super Bowl hopes on a kicker.

I can’t believe that there aren’t more murder sprees at Walmarts.  Every time I set foot in that place, I want to wipe humanity off the face of the earth.  Plus, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone there is carrying a firearm.

With the exception of the Patriots-Broncos game, all of the playoff games have been pretty damn exciting.  The NFL is a lot more fun when there isn’t a dominant team — unless that team is the Indianapolis Colts.  Unfortunately, that’s never been the case.

I saw reports this weekend that the Colts are interviewing Jim Tressel for the head coaching job.  My sources (yes, I have sources) have been telling me for over a month that the Sweater Vest was going to get the job.  I couldn’t be less excited.  If ever there was a guy who was made to coach at the college level it is Tressel.

Also, I’m pretty sure that the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, is slowly losing his mind.

Fundamentals, Kyle Williams.  Fundamentals.  Tuck that ball away.  Despite your mediocre quarterback, you’ll take the blame for costing your teammates a shot at the Super Bowl.

Why do they even bother running the clock for overtime during a playoff game?  They’re always going to keep playing until someone wins.  A three-way Super Bowl would be pretty awesome, though.

That sound you hear is ESPN jizzing all over themselves.  Somehow it still won’t reach the ESPN hype of a regular season Yankees-Red Sox game.

At least a Manning gets to play at least once in Indianapolis this season.

You have to love Terry Bradshaw’s commitment to his long hair even with the male pattern baldness.  What do you call that?  A Buldett?
****

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #3 - Not A Review

There was no football last night so I can’t blame it for keeping me away from watching and reviewing The Bachelor.  Instead, I was busy with a video shoot last night.  I guess the world is conspiring against me.  Does it even make sense for me to try to pick this thing up on the fourth episode?  Should I just save myself the pain and pick back up for The Bachelorette?  We’ll see.  Maybe next week life will get in the way and I won’t be able to watch for one reason or another and I’ll definitely be forced to skip reviewing the whole season.  I mean, there are only eleven or twelve episodes per season.

We’ll see.

Like you care.

I spent Thursday night and most of Friday puking my brains out.  It was some kind of 24-hour flu bug that obviously wasn’t covered by the flu shot I got this year.  By the way, this year was the first time in my life that I ever got a flu shot.

Like you care.

I recently decided that during 2012 I’m going to give away over $5,000 worth of cash and prizes right here on this blog.

Oh, so now you care.  I see how it is.  You only care when I have shiny prizes.  Just for that, I’m not giving away anything.
****

Monday, January 16, 2012

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things

Well, the Patriots failed.  Tim Tebow is still alive which means we’ll have to keep hearing about him.  Here’s what I hope happens with Tim Tebow:
He improves and becomes a mediocre quarterback that plays for a mediocre team that sometimes makes the playoffs and sometimes doesn’t and he slowly fades into the muddle of mediocre quarterbacks in the NFL and we all stop making a big deal out of him.  Or I want him to abruptly quit the NFL and go to live in some third world country to heal people with his bare hands.

It feels really weird to be watching the 49ers as an underdog.  Especially since I grew up with the Joe Montana era 49ers.

It was a really bad time for the Packers to play their worst game of the season — and they still had a shot to win that game.

If Matt Schaub was healthy would we be talking about how dangerous the Texans are right now?  The Texans only lost to the Ravens by seven.  Good quarterback play would have won that game for the Texans.

If we end up with a Pats-Giants Super Bowl does anyone think that Belichick won’t try to hang 100 on the Giants?

If we end up with a Pats-Giants Super Bowl does anyone think that ESPN won’t be shitting all over themselves about how great the game is going to be?  Maybe they won’t hit Yankees-Red Sox regular season series level hype, but it will be close.

If we end up with a Ravens-49ers Super Bowl will anyone mention that a mediocre quarterback can win a Super Bowl with a great defense wether they have deep faith in a god or not?

If we end up with a Ravens-Giants Super Bowl will Ray Lewis stab someone?

I guess this one was all football and no other things.  Whoops.
****

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Friday Roundup

Boy, I really wish I could re-write the second sentence in last week’s intro to the Friday Roundup.  Guess what?  I can.

It’s the Friday Roundup.  Put your eyeballs on it, let your brain suck it in and fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole.

That’s better.  Also, a question: If you saw a t-shirt that read, “Fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole,” would you buy it?

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:

Tuesday:
Football kept me from reviewing The Bachelor for the second week in a row.  Don’t worry, I’ll pick up again next week. 

Thursday:
It’s truly amazing how productive I am before 9 AM

Tweets of the Week
One for the ladies and one for the dudes, in that order:


Video of the Week
You've all encountered this while out at the bars.


****

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Things I Do Before 9 AM


I do more before 9 AM than most people do between 9 AM and 9:30 AM.  That's no joke.  So listen (well, not listen really.  Just pay attention to what I'm about to write.  You know, reading comprehension and all that.  Get ready.) here's what I did this morning:  

I got in to work and I unpacked my shit and got my computers set up and I mashed up my dry oatmeal so it would be more microwave friendly.  Bam!  One thing!  Then I went to the kitchen and made my oatmeal.  Bam!  Two things!  I also got water.  Bam!  Three things!  I cleaned my water bottle first, though.  Bam!  Four things!  Then I came back to my office and I fucking checked my email.  Bam!  Five things!  I discovered an email from one of my coworkers in New York asking me to send payment for Girl Scout cookies I ordered from his daughter.  Bam!  Six things!  I sent him a clever response.  Bam!  Seven things!  I realized that I needed change for the $50 in my wallet so I went down to the convenience store to buy a pack of gum (which I needed anyway.)  Bam!  Eight things!  I came back upstairs and put the money in an envelope to send to New York.  Bam!  Nine things!  I wrote a clever note on the outside of the envelope.  Bam!  Ten Things!  I asked my secretary how the hell I use our interoffice mailing system and dropped envelope into a bigger, redder envelope and addressed it to my coworker in New York.  Bam!  Eleven things that could possibly be construed as thirteen things total but I've decided to be conservative in my estimate of things I've done!  I arranged for the envelope to be picked up.  Bam!  Twelve things!  Then I sat down and ate my oatmeal.  Bam!  Thirteen things!  Now I'm writing this.  Bam!  Fourteen things!  See?  I've done at least fourteen things this morning and it's only 8:42 AM.  I've still got eighteen minutes in which to do several more things.  Most likely I'll just clean my oatmeal bowl and take my vitamins.  Bam!  Fifteen and sixteen things!  Otherwise I'll just surf the Internet until my conference call at 9 AM.  Bam!  Almost a seventeenth thing! 
****

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #2 - Not A Review


Football happened again so I didn’t watch The Bachelor.  It was great.  I was able to watch something on television that didn’t make me sad about humanity.  That’s not entirely true.  I was briefly depressed when Kirk Herbstreit and Brent Musberger spent several minutes outlining the arrests and suspensions racked up by LSU this year.  Aside from that, I was just happy to be watching football.

Wow, Alabama dominated the crap out of that game.  Sure, they took a page from Notre Dame’s book and stalled out once they hit the red zone but I never got the feeling that LSU was ever in that game.  

Everyone on Twitter was complaining about how boring the game was.  If Oklahoma State was in the game and getting blown out would they have complained about the same thing?  Maybe, but the game was still pretty boring.

In Bachelor news, Ben had awkward dates with girls that he gave roses to while the other girls sat at home and made themselves crazy.  More crazy, I mean.

Wasn’t it awesome when that girl said something dumb?

I may have missed Helicopter.  I’m not worried, though.  Helicopter will be back.

I’ll be back to my regular snarky reviews of The Bachelor next week.
****

Monday, January 09, 2012

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


In the least surprising twist of the season, the only interesting game of the weekend was the Broncos game.

Does anyone else think it’s a little irresponsible of Tim Tebow to continue to let everyone think that God is responsible for his success?  There are already enough people that don’t think they have to work hard to achieve success.  The last thing we need is those people being able to use God as an excuse.

If nothing else, the kid clearly works his ass off.

As soon as the Falcons got the safety to go up 2-0 on the Giants, I immediately started rooting for them to never score again.  The only thing better than a team finishing a game with two points is a team finishing with four points.

The Lions made a game of it for three quarters.  Wasn’t that cute?

Anyone who says they love every single second of being a parent is a dirty, filthy liar.  Don’t trust them.
Still, my daughter is the best thing that’s happened to me.

The Bengals-Texans game was on my TV simply because it was football.  I had absolutely zero interest in this game.  I’m not entirely convinced that the players were into the game.

It doesn’t help that their uniforms look like they were designed by a schizophrenic fourth grader (Bengals) and the most boring fourth grader (Texans) in the class. 

The Notre Dame football team did not lose this weekend.  In fact, the men’s basketball team beat #10 Louisville, the women’s basketball team beat #2 UConn and the men’s hockey team beat #5 Minnesota.  Unfortunately, no one cares.

My prediction for tonight’s BCS Championship game: Alabama 4, LSU 2.

Also, I won’t have a review of The Bachelor for you tomorrow because I’ll be watching the game.  Sorry.  Tune back in next week.
****

Friday, January 06, 2012

The Friday Roundup

It’s the first Friday Roundup of 2012.  Put your eyeballs on it then let your brain suck it in then fart an approving noise out of your mouth hole.

Oh yeah, it’s also my birthday.  If you want to do something nice for me, don’t send me a gift.  Instead, send a check to the scholarship fund dedicated to my father:

Check payable to:
Blackford Community Foundation, Inc.  Write “David C. Ford Scholarship” in the subject line.

Send to:
Benjamin E. Oswalt
121 North High Street
P.O. Box 327
Hartford City, IN 47348

Thanks and Happy Birthday.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
My thoughts on the weekend in football

Tuesday:
I didn’t watch The Bachelor and I still kinda reviewed it

Thursday:
I tracked all my workout data and gave you a summary on my progress

Tweet of the Week
From Shelby Fero
“You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!” -Fonzi Scheme
See it here

Video of the Week
Remember that guy from Police Academy that did all the crazy sound effects?  Michael Winslow.  Anyway, he’s up to his usual tricks.


****

Thursday, January 05, 2012

My 2011 Workout Numbers


Last year Dee got me a new heart rate monitor that came with a watch that would allow me to track my workouts.  I put it to use and tracked my workouts for the year to see if I could discover anything interesting in the data.  Here’s what I found.


Goals
Workout data means nothing if it doesn’t help you to see how you are achieving your goals.  This means that you need to have goals.  I did have goals and they were as follows: 

Maintain an average weight of 180 pounds while reducing my body fat percentage to 11%.

That’s great, but what does it mean for my workout plan?  It means that I needed to to a combination of strength and cardio training.  The strength training would allow me to add muscle (and burn fat) to increase my weight while the cardio would help me burn fat to decrease my body fat percentage.  Early in the year, I focused more on shedding fat so I did more cardio.  As the year progressed, I shifted my plan to include more strength and less cardio once I saw how I was tracking to my goals.  This wasn’t a linear progression.  I would tweak my workouts as necessary if I saw movement away from my goals.  Plus, changing up the routine is always a good thing.


Weight and Body Composition
When I started tracking my workouts in January of 2011, I weighed 183 pounds and my body fat was 15.2%.  This was the heaviest I had ever been in my life.  Some of it was from added muscle from my 2010 workouts but a good deal of it was from not working out much in December (my gym was closed for the month for renovations) and eating way too much.  When the gym reopened in January, I rededicated myself to my workouts and to healthier meals.

By the end of March I weighed 182 pounds and my body fat dropped to 13.9%.  I felt like I was on track to hit my 11% goal by the end of the year.  However, I wandered a bit due to various distractions (mostly the baby) and a busy work schedule.  Unfortunately, I didn’t check my body fat again until December 6th when I checked in at 12.9%.  My final weigh in of 2011 put me at 178.5.  I was happy with my results but fell short of my body fat goal.  I hope to reach and maintain 11% body fat this year.  

My lowest weight for 2011 was 177 pounds which I reached three times (6/7, 7/25, 11/28).  My highest weight for the year was 184.5 which I reached once on 10/10.  That’s a range of 7.5 pounds for the year.  I’d like to keep my weight more steady in 2012 by reducing that range to 6 pounds.  

My average weight for the year was 180.63.  Nailed it.

Workout Data
If you like details, check out the numbers below.

Total Number of tracked workouts: 178 
178 workouts (I workout once per day) means I worked out on 49% of the days of 2011.  This isn’t entirely accurate.  There were days I forgot my monitor and there were many weekend days I worked out when I didn’t have access to my monitor (I keep my monitor at work because I use the gym there at lunch).  For example, I discovered yoga in 2011 and went mostly on weekends.  I would guess that I went to 15 untracked yoga classes at the very least, probably more.  However, I’ll go with the conservative number of 15.  I’ll add zero workouts for the days I forgot my monitor as I didn’t forget very often and I have no good way to estimate how often that happened.

Adjusted Total Number of workouts: 193
That brings me up to 53% of the days of 2011.  Not bad.  I’d rather be closer to 255 total workouts but the number of times I work out is not nearly as important as how the workouts moved me toward my goal.

Total tracked time spent working out: 141 hours, 49 minutes, 12 seconds
This doesn’t really mean much but it’s fun to see how much time I actually spent working out last year.

Average workout time: 45 minutes
Because I work out at work, I can’t be away from my office for too long so I can’t push much past 45 minutes each day.  I’ve learned to waste very little time and pack as much into my workouts as I can.

Total Number of calories burned: 102,717
I didn’t track the calories I ate so there is no good reference for what this means.

Average calories burned per workout: 577
That’s 12.8 calories per minute.  Not too shabby.

Total Number of strength workouts: 105
Total time spent on strength workouts: 59 hours, 32 minutes, 1 second
Total Number of cardio workouts: 97
Total time spent on cardio workouts: 54 hours, 46 minutes, 8 seconds
That’s pretty balanced which is what I was aiming for.  You may notice that the strength and cardio times don’t add up to the total time spent working out listed above.  That’s because I tracked my cool down and stretching separately.  If you want to do the math, the difference between the sum of strength and cardio and the total time is the time I spent on stretching and cool down.

You’ll also notice that the strength and cardio workouts add up to 202 workouts but that I only registered 178 workouts.  Some days I did have the time to do both strength and cardio on the same day.  Those were special days.  Don’t tell my boss.

There you go.  Way more information on my workouts than you ever wanted.
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Tuesday, January 03, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #1 -- Not A Review


This is where my review of The Bachelor would be if I bothered to watch the show.  I did not watch the show because there were two good football games on (Rose Bowl and Fiesta Bowl).  Also, my reviews are no longer appearing on Schadenfreude.net so I don’t have anyone to withhold my paychecks if I don’t post on time.  Well, I will withhold my paycheck from myself but I’m okay with that since I’m collecting interest.  Everybody wins.

Anyway, I’ll be back to my reviews next week.  For now, you’ll have to be content with the following:

Why do The Bachelor producers always pick the lamest loser from the previous season to be the next season’s star?  Are they trying to prove a point?

Helicopter never shows up in the first episode so I’m not missing anything.

Also, I’ve got a crying baby with a chapped ass who can’t get comfortable enough to sleep.  Because HER ASS IS LITERALLY CHAPPED.  Poor baby.  The point is that I wasn’t able to watch much of the games so I wouldn’t have been able to watch much of The Bachelor.

One of Stanford’s cheerleaders is smarter than all of the contestants on The Bachelor.
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Monday, January 02, 2012

Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things


The most frustrating Notre Dame football season of my lifetime ended last week with a loss in the Champs Sports Bowl versus Florida State.  The game perfectly encapsulated the season for the Irish.  To be nice, they’re still a young team learning how to win.  To be not so nice, they’re a bunch of bumbling idiots who can’t get out of their own way.  Strangely, I’m still hopeful for next season.

As the Colts game started, I tweeted, “Am I rooting for a #Colts win today? I haven’t decided.”  I quickly realized that I was rooting for a Colts victory even though I knew it would cost them the #1 draft pick.  If there was ever an example of “how I roll” that is the best case.

Sadly, the Colts lost again and they will have the #1 pick in the draft.  Now we get to hear about Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning for the next five months.

The Colts may have the top pick in the draft, but the Bears have a chance to really become a scary team with a couple of good draft picks.

I’m assuming that Urlacher’s knee is not completely destroyed.

If you think eating a single serving lasagna is depressing when you are single, try eating one when you’re married.

Somehow, I don’t think 2012 will be the year that Americans grasp the importance of primary elections.
Tebow made the playoffs!  Well, his defense made the playoffs.  Rather, the other teams in his division didn’t make the playoffs and someone from that division had to go.  Regardless, Tebow made the playoffs exactly one week after we celebrated his birthday.

Matt Flynn made himself a ton of money yesterday.

Bengals at Texans and Lions at Saints on Saturday.  Falcons at Giants and Steelers at Broncos on Sunday.  Does anyone even want to watch the AFC games?

NBC is deliberately making television shows that will get cancelled after five episodes, right?  Smash feels like a bad first draft of the already terrible Glee.

Just one time I want to see a coach suit up in full rain gear for the last few minutes of the fourth quarter of a big game and then taunt his players to try to drench him with ice cold Gatorade.
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