Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #4 - A Review

I guess I’m actually going to review this show after all.  I have no idea what has happened in the previous three episodes, nor do I care.  In fact, it might turn into a fun little game of guess the crazy one.  Well, guess the most crazy one.

This guy's name is Ben Flajnik
This week Ben is taking the ladies to Park City, Utah.  Full disclosure: I just learned his name during the intro.

Helicopter!  You knew I was back!  You opened the episode with this floppy haired dork inside you while he narrates in a stilted fashion.  Is this how he talks?  Like he’s reading everything he says?  While Ben flies in on Helicopter the ladies are flown in on a regular old airplane.  Airplanes are boring and slutty.  They let so many people inside them.

Holy shit, there are still thirteen girls left.  Thirteen.  He better eliminate about seven tonight or this season is going to last through July.

Chris leaves our thirteen girls with a date card and then says, “I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.”  That pretty much guarantees that we won’t see all of them at the next rose ceremony.  Plus, they’ve already teased a “shocking” exit.

First Date — Rachel
She receives the card and is excited but anxious because, “My last relationship broke up with me.”  Wow.  She was so bad that her boyfriend didn’t just dump her, the entire relationship dumped her.  The relationship was all, “I’m not even going to allow you to use me as a construct to categorize your interactions with this other person.”  Snap.

Some girl immediately breaks down crying because he’s going on a date with someone else.  Again, do these girls not know what they’re getting into?  Something tells me she’s the crazy one because they didn’t bother putting her name up on the screen.  We’re all just supposed to know who she is.  Is it Kacie?  I can’t tell if the girl in the interview is the same girl from before the commercial break.  Her hair has changed and frankly that’s the only way I can tell these girls apart.  If I was The Bachelor, I would just call them all Kymberlie and hope they keep accepting roses.

Ben comes to pick up Rachel and the rest of the girls watch him and Rachel get whisked off by Helicopter.  Don’t worry, Helicopter, I know you’re not cheating.  You’re just doing your job.  They set down in a meadow and take a little walk to a lake and hop in a canoe.  Ben seduces her by saying things like, “It’s so nice,” and “It’s so romantic.”  Yes, he does always talk like he’s reading cue cards.

Rachel keeps talking about how hard first dates are for her.  Now we know why.  There is only awkward silence and weird conversation about how bright the sun is.  Also, beaver dams.  No, a beaver dam is not some kind of birth control.  It’s a dam built by beavers, you perverts.

In the evening they walk through what very well might be a haunted forest to an even creepier log cabin for dinner.  In what is barely concealed foreshadowing, Rachel says, “Why spend time in a relationship that’s not going anywhere?”  Ben replies, “Agreed.”

She admits that she’s not good at opening up and tells Ben to ask if he needs to know anything about her.  If the producers knew what they were doing, they would splice in the “Whatever you like” scene from Coming to America.  We are lead to believe that this saved the date and she gets a rose.

Group Date — Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney 
The date card reads, “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.”  I can only assume that means they’ll all be donning catchers gear and Ben will be firing fastballs at them.  

Judging by everyone’s awkward reactions to her being invited, Courtney is also a crazy one.  At the very least she’s the one that everyone hates.  Also, did she get punched in the mouth in the last episode?  She talks like someone gave her a fat upper lip.

Ben comes riding in across a river on a horse.  You can see the mist rising from the girls’ panties.  The girls then mount up and ride to a river for fly fishing.  Really?  On a group date where you’re supposed to get to know these girls, you take them to do something that requires a ridiculous amount of skill and experience and silence?  Brilliant.  Everyone dons super-sexy waiters and flails around with their fishing poles.  Kacie keeps saying, “Ben and I have a connection,” like she’s trying to convince the whole world.  Courtney pulls Ben away to another part of the river to get some private instruction and maybe even show him her beaver dam.  Meanwhile, all the other girls have completely given up and started drinking.  Why?  Because fishing is the worst date activity ever.  Lindzi finds Ben and Courtney and is determined to show Ben that she can fish.  Courtney immediately catches a fish.  You can actually hear Lindzi’s hate meter going off.  

In the evening they head to a lodge for drinks.  In fact, it may be the very lodge they are staying in.  Ben immediately pulls Casey S. away for some time alone.  Some girl walks over to interrupt his time with Casey.  She immediately tells him a story about how her boss died two weeks before she came on the show.  Ben counters by telling her that he lost a friend two days before he came on the show.  No one likes a show off, Ben.  Then they make out.  Dead people are sexy.  Samantha decides to interrupt their make out session.  She decides to bitch about always going on group dates.  He listens quietly then sends her home.  BAM.  Message sent.

He takes Kacie away for some one-on-one time to some random make out room.  He admits that he wanted to kiss her in the river but he didn’t because all of the other girls were watching.  They take turns calling each other schmoopie and they make out.

Courtney is pouting and she’s ready to unleash her best guilt trip.  Ben takes her away to lay her down by the fire.  She tells him that she really likes him but that she’s having a really hard time.  She says she’s lost touch with her feelings for him because there are other girls around.  He feels bad that she’s having a hard time so he gives her the rose.  She played him like a fiddle.  Once she gets the rose she says, “Winning.”  Did she still think that would still be cool by the time this aired?  Did she think that was ever cool?

Third Date — Jennifer
The card reads, “Let’s pick our love song.”  The rest of the card must have read, “Wear your frumpiest outfit.”

He takes her on a hike and they climb a fence with a “No Trespassing” sign.  He informs her that they are going to repel into a crater, hang and then drop into the water at the bottom.  She’s freaked out but she sacks up and straps in.  They hang for a long time and then drop into the water.  Then they make out awkwardly while trying to tread water.

In the evening they have a little meal outside near a fire while thunder rolls in the background.  They talk about boring relationship stuff then the sky opens up and they both run for cover.  They try to make it sound romantic but it was basically just sprinting.  He tells her he wasn’t sure he was going to find a connection with her but he enjoyed the date and gives her the rose.  They head to a concert by some guy I’ve never heard of before but who Jennifer calls “a superstar.”  Apparently, words don’t mean anything anymore.

Why do the contestants on this show continue to insist that the Bachelor sets up these dates?  It’s easily the most insulting part of the show.

I know lots and lots of Americans like country music but holy shit it is terrible.

The Cocktail Party
Time to overanalyze who has roses.  Ben comes in an thanks the women for “being open.”  That’s clearly an invitation for someone to talk shit about Courtney to Ben.  Emily jumps at the chance to tell him about “another girl” who isn’t “being real.”  Ben tells her that she’s going to go crazy if she tries to figure everything out and that focusing another girl is going to be the end of her.  When Emily comes back with her tail between her legs, Casey S. defends Courtney.  Emily flips out.  There’s always one girl who loses it over another girl.  Casey immediately goes to Courtney to rat Emily out.  Do these women ever watch this show?  Courtney says, “I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what at least one of those things mean.  

Courtney decides that she’s going to confront Emily but only in the most passive-aggressive way possible.  Kacie asks the group, “Who feels like they’ve learned more about themselves in the last two weeks than they have in their whole life?”  Nearly everyone raises their hand except for Courtney.  She uses that to draw attention to her and then bitches out on basically everyone in the room.  Same shit, different faces.  How many more episodes before someone decides to go home to keep her job?

The Rose Ceremony
The roses look really weird without leaves or thorns on them.  Have they been doing that for every season or just this one?  They look really odd today.

Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley and Casey S. get the first seven roses.  The final rose goes to Emily.  I’m willing to bet good money that she doesn’t get the hint to stop talking trash about Courtney.
Monica goes home.  She doesn’t seem surprised or upset until she gets in the car.  She give some pitiful speech about how she’s not even sure true love exists anymore.  Yes, because you didn’t find love on a television game show it’s rational to come to the conclusion that true love doesn’t exist.

Next week they will be going to Puerto Rico.  Courtney says, “I was just there two weeks ago.”  Ben awkwardly says, “Well, we’re going back.”  Isn’t she delightful?

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