Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #5 - A Review

As promised, Ben and his harem are off to Puerto Rico.  During the intro drops the phrase, “Latin swagger.”  Yep, this is the guy that dozens of women are fighting over.

First Date — Nicki
The date card is in Spanish and Rachel sounds about as American as one could sound while trying to read it.  Emily translates it to something like, “Let’s find a new love in old San Juan.”  Boring.  Also, we’re only five minutes in and we’ve heard “You better check yourself, bitch,” from Courtney about fifteen times.

The real star of the show.
Helicopter is back two weeks in a row.  I have a feeling that Helicopter is going to be the main mode of transportation while they’re in Puerto Rico.  I’m told driving is both dangerous and super dangerous on that island.  Nicki and Ben just kind of meander around.  Apparently, this was his whole plan.  To just walk around.  On cue, it begins to rain.  Looks like walking around is out.  Nicki is saved from the worst date ever.  They change plans and go buy stereotypical Puerto Rican clothes.  Because this is TV, they do not have to tote around their wet clothes.  They just magically disappear.  So you’re telling me the producers have a place for their wet clothes but no one could hand them a fucking umbrella?

Eventually it stops raining and they decide to sit outside a church where a wedding is happening.  Now they’ll both be forced to think deep thoughts.  Not really, that’s impossible.

In the evening they do the standard outdoor dinner.  Ben asks her about her divorce.  She tells him she’s over it.  He says it’s cool.  He gives her a rose.  They make out while we get a sappy voice over of Nicki talking about falling in love.  I’m pretty sure we’ve seen this exact date with a girl named Nicki (or Nikki) on every other season of this show.

Group Date — Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B., Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, Blakeley
The date card reads, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”  

Instead of taking them shopping for jewelry, he rounds them up to play some baseball.  What a curveball!  The card said “diamonds” but it didn’t mean jewelry!  Oh ho!  Does Ben’s lameness ever end?  Ben and what I assume are local players run the girls through some fielding drills and batting practice and the girls are just having fun.  Chris Harrison shows up to tell them that there will be a romantic beach party but not everyone is invited.  They will be split into teams and the winners will go to the party.  The rest will go back to the hotel.  There are nine girls, so Ben chooses one girl to play for both teams.  He chooses Lindzi.

Courtney and Blakeley are randomly chosen as captains and Courtney gets first pick for some unknown reason.  Courtney selects Kacie B, Casey S, and Jamie.  They will be the Red Team.  Blakeley selects Emily, Jennifer and Rachel.  They will be the blue team.  

They are to play two innings and Ben is the designated pitcher.  The Red Team racks up 5 runs in the top of the first.  The Blue Team responds with 3.  At the end of the second the Blue Team manages to tie it up and they go to extra innings.  In the bottom of the fifth the Red Team leads 10-9 and Jennifer strikes out to end the game.  The Blue Team goes home.  Crying.  Seriously broken down, painful crying.

Wait.  Blakeley’s occupation reads: “VIP Cocktail Waitress.”  Is that code for stripper?  That’s totally code for stripper.

I bet you’ll never guess who says, “There’s no crying in baseball.”  That’s right, Courtney, who is not afraid of any cliché.  She predictably gloats.

Ben heads to the beach with Courtney, Kacie B., Casey S., Jamie and Lindzi.  Instead of seeing the one-on-one time with the girls, we just see short clips of each girl while Courtney gives a trash talking voice over.  We’re all okay with this?  I mean, we’ve seen Courtney before on every other season and we’re supposed just accept another full season of the self-centered, bitch?

Ben gives Kacie B. the rose.  Courtney roars.  She pulls Ben away and tells him that she “needs” time alone with him.  This girl screams red flag but he’s blinded by hot.  Wait, when have we seen this before?  Every.  Single.  Season.

You get that The Bachelor producers think you’re stupid, right?  They trot out the exact same show every single season and expect you to watch.  And you do.  I’m disappointed in all of us.

Third Date — Elyse
The date card reads, “Let’s find love somewhere private.”

Elyse spends the whole day getting way too worked up about the date.  Ben shows up and takes her out on a yacht.  She tells him about how her engagement fell apart.  Then she lays on the pressure by telling him that she quit her job and missed her best friend’s wedding to do the show.  Guilt trips are always a great move.    

In the evening, they have the standard dinner date on the beach.  Ladies, is the wet dog look sexy?  Ben always looks like a wet dog.  He calls Elyse out on her earlier statement that “she’s accomplished everything she wanted to accomplish.”  She says, “As a single woman,” then follows up with, “I’m sick of being single.”  As soon as she says she’s annoyed that other girls have been on dates, the you’re-going-home look washes over Ben’s face.  She doesn’t get the rose.

She breaks down crying, of course.  I think it’s mostly because she didn’t get far enough to make Bachelor Pad.

Back at the House
The guy comes in to take her bag and the girls freak out.  Courtney says, “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.”  That was awfully Jersey Shore of her to say.

Courtney has a plan.  She’s going to go skinny dipping with Ben.  She says to the camera, “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before.”  If America doesn’t completely hate her already, that sentence did it.  Courtney stakes out his room and brings a bottle of wine and some lotion “for a massage.”  Ben admits that he wants to spend more time with her even though he’s “not sure how he feels” about Courtney “breaking the rules.”  He just wants to skinny dip with her.  So he does.  Because he’s weak.

The Cocktail Party
Ben feels bad about the skinny dipping incident but not so bad that he’s going to tell everyone.  Jennifer pulls him away and thanks him for their earlier one-on-one date.  They make out.  Blakeley starts to freak out when she sees him with Jennifer.  Blakeley tells him that she writes something down that she likes about him every day.  You know, like an eight year-old.  Strangely, it may have saved her.  Then we get another montage of Ben with the other girls while Courtney talks trash.  Twice in one show?  Really?  It’s pretty much a lock that she’s not showing up to the After the Rose show now that this episode has aired, right?

Courtney starts a skinny dipping conversation because she clearly wants the girls to find out.  Suddenly, all the girls are talking about how hard it is to keep from getting naked.  Do all women have this problem?  Why aren’t they talking to me about it?

Emily tells Ben how she hasn’t thought about Courtney at all and she wants to focus on her relationship with Ben.  She says that she wishes she hadn’t said anything.  Then she says it all again.  Ben tells her to “drop it.”  He was dangerously close to you’re-going-home face.

The Rose Ceremony
Nicki and Kacie B have roses so they are safe.  Emily and Jennifer are left when Ben gets down to the final rose.  In a bit of a shocker, Emily gets the final rose.  Both Emily and Jennifer look shocked.  Jennifer is the most unattractive crier ever.  It’s like she’s got some kind of weird crying hiccups.

Next week they will be going to Panama City.  That’s in Panama.
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