I’m watching the Pro Bowl as I type this, but only because Dee is feeding Scarlett in the other room. Once she comes back out I’m sure the TV will be tuned to the SAG awards or something Kardashian related. I will then shoot myself in the balls.
If you want to guarantee that your baby gets sick, take her to another child’s one-year birthday party.
My daughter does a great walrus impression. Just wait for her to sneeze. She’s got some of the biggest snot tusks I’ve ever seen.
How many more years until they completely outlaw tackling in the Pro Bowl?
Good news, everyone. Dee didn’t force me to change the channel to something awful, she just asked me for a divorce and moved out.
Is Miller Lite trying to convince us that a bunch of hipster judges would choose anything other than PBR at the World Beer Cup?
Dee: Kristin Wiig is dating the lead singer of The Strokes
Me: Oh, you mean, Brian Aneurysm?
If you are out in public and wearing pants, congratulations, you are not a complete fuck-up.
Cam Newton wore one of those super-trendy shirt dresses for the Pro Bowl. Unfortunately, he chose the wrong shoes. Flats? Really?
If you bring a Taco Bell Taco 12-pack to my party you better also bring a Charmin 12-pack.
Actual email conversation:
Dee: “Just wanted to say thank you for taking care of things laser night so I could get to bed early. I love you.”
Me: “No problem, baby. I knew you were tired and needed some rest. Also, ‘laser night’ sounds awesome.”
Yep, I’m a great husband and I’m hilarious. Living with me must be super awesome.
I’m amazed that we don’t hear more swearing when they mic up football players and open them up live. I would embarrass my entire family in 2.3 seconds.