Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #9 - A Review

This week the crew is off to Switzerland for some hot sexual intercourse in the Fantasy Suites.
The show opens with Ben giving the standard speech about how hard this decision will be for him.  Which decision?  Whether to bang these girls or not?  Yeah, tough one.

Again, we’re in reruns before the show even begins.  Ben stares out the window of the airplane while they cut to clips from previous episodes.  I love when they do this because I get to go do something way more awesome than watch this show.

Nicki’s Date
There's not enough camera for her booty.
Oh, Helicopter.  I knew you’d make one last appearance before the end of the season.  While in Helicopter Ben says, “My relationship to Nicki is going to new heights,” and “It’s going to be a wild ride.”  No.  Just no.  Make him stop.  They are dropped on a grassy spot atop a mountain in the Alps.  They talk about how Nicki is in love with him.  Then they toss a few half-ass shouts into the valley below.  She is trying soooo hard.

They get back into Helicopter and Helicopter drops them onto an even tinier peak.  Nicki launches into some really lame analogy about how the cliff is like their relationship.  This is what happens when the writers on this show actually try to write.

In the evening they have a romantic dinner in a log cabin.  It’s so romantic they high five when they sit down for dinner.  She asks him how many kids he wants.  He wants four.  She wants two, but she’d totally do four if that’s what Ben wants because she’ll do whatever Ben wants just please god give me a rose.  He gives her the Fantasy Suite card.  She accepts.  Ben is so happy that he finally gets to tap that ass.  That big ole ass.  I don’t think he can handle it.

My favorite part of this episode is when the girls spend their solo interviews trying to explain why accepting the invite to the Fantasy Suite doesn’t make them a slut without actually saying that.

Ben takes Nicki to the hot tub to warm her up but she just keeps talking.  Dee says, “Stop talking.  Just sex him.  You talk too much.”

Lindzi’s Date
Ben has no idea what he and Lindzi are going to do on their date.  They discover they are going going to repel 300 feet off a ledge.  They’re both freaked out.  They harness them up and they begin their descent.  Their very, very slow descent.  Seriously, it’s shockingly slow.  By the time they get to the bottom Dee says, “I thought they were going to… do something.”

They retire to a hot tub and Lindzi tries to work up the nerve to tell Ben she loves him.  Instead they talk about how she’s opened up.  We also get a voice over from Ben talking about how important it is that they get to have extra time together in the Fantasy Suite.  C’mon.  Can’t we all just be grown ups and talk about how we want to lick each other’s nipples?

During dinner Ben asks her what helped her change and open up.  Her response is practically endless and completely nonsensical.  She then kind of admits that she’s in love with him but not really.  She accepts the invitation to the Fantasy Suite.

Also, I love that the Fantasy Suite cards are all signed by Chris Harrison.  It’s like dad is giving you permission to bone.  I wish he’d tuck a condom in there just once.

When she sees the Fantasy Suite she says, “This really is a fantasy of a suite.”  Eloquent.

Courtney’s Date
Ben is concerned about how Courtney has treated the other women, but I’m sure it’s nothing her naked boobies can’t solve.  

They hop on a train — which is probably on time — to Wengen where they will do the walking around and hanging out thing.  This means it’s definitely going to rain, right?  Courtney looks disappointed that there won’t be anywhere to skinny dip.  They hit the shops and get stuff for their lunch.  Once they have their stuff, they sit down for a little picnic and a game of “Hey cow.”  You shout “hey cow” and if the cow looks you win.  Courtney tries and loses.

They talk about how Courtney mistreated the other women.  She admits that she didn’t handle it well and he starts to get into it when Ben decides he doesn’t want to talk about it.  In her solo interview, she turns on the waterworks.  You’d think she actually has feelings for him.  

They have another romantic dinner in an impossibly romantic room.  Courtney tells Ben she feels badly about the way she treated the other girls and she could have handled herself better.  This concerns Ben because he has lots of women friends and he wants to have the support of his family and friends when he gets back home.  She apologizes.

He offers her the Fantasy Suite card.  In the least shocking moment of the season, she accepts the invitation.  There’s another hot tub.  This time she keeps her clothes on.  

Bachelorette Sneak Peek
We get reintroduced to Emily, the next Bachelorette.  It’s super boring because she’s super boring.  They bring back Ashley and Ally to help her get ready for her season.  Then they go to see Titanic in 3D.  Why did they take her to see Titanic?  Did they forget that her husband died tragically?  I don’t think they could have chosen a worse movie for her.

The Bachelorette with Emily is going to suck.

More Drama/Time Filler
Kacie shows up at Ben’s door.  When Ben opens the door he says, “Holy shit.  Hi.”  Kacie seems super nervous and she keeps apologizing.  She tells him she was so shocked that she couldn’t even think the night she went home.  She came back to figure out what happened.  He tells her their family backgrounds are “worlds apart.”  Basically, he hated her family and he didn’t want to deal with them.  Can’t blame him.

Before she leaves, she decides to “tell him everything.”  She says, “I feel like if you were to choose Courtney, I think you would get your heart broken.”  She says all of this under the guise of protecting him.  Why would she want to protect him?  If she really loved him, wouldn’t she want him to choose the girl who would break his heart so that she can swoop in and scoop him up later?

Now Ben is confused again.  It’s time for some Chris Harrison counseling and that’s exactly what he gets.  He talks about the situation with Courtney and then he recaps the dates.  Chris can’t pin him down on where he’s at so we have to endure more shots of Ben looking thoughtfully out the window.  So glad we got to see that.

The Rose Ceremony
The first rose goes to Lindzi.  Courtney gets the final rose.  I told you Ben couldn’t handle Nicki’s booty.  This totally means that Ben is going to propose to Courtney and we’ll get to watch them fight with each other when they are reunited after their breakup on Bachelor Pad.  

He gives Nicki some lame speech about how it wasn’t her.  It’s just that he had doubts.  Does he realize that he constantly does what Ashley tried to do to him when she chose the other guy?  He’s terrible at breakups.  

Next week they will be going to another village in Switzerland.  I bet there will be hot tubs.
****

Monday, February 27, 2012

Saladfest 2012

If last weekend was Meatfest 2012 this weekend was definitely Saladfest 2012.  I had exactly one salad this weekend.  For me, that’s a freaking saladfest.  It was a good salad, though.  It had spicy walnuts.

I watched the NBA Slam Dunk Contest for the first time in about six years.  They should just scrap it.  The stars don’t want to do it anymore.  Nothing else is going to save it.  I don’t care how many basketballs Jeremy Evans dunks.  That’s right, Jeremy Evans won the Slam Dunk Contest.  Bet you can’t tell me what team he plays for without looking it up.

The NBA All-Star Game?  That’s something worth watching.  It’s all fast breaks and alley oop dunks.  That’s way more fun to watch than an awards show.

Does the NBA expect to draw a lot of viewers from the 65-80 demographic?  They made the numbers on the All-Star uniforms large enough to read from space.

I finally found some headphones that I love.  LG HBS-700 Bluetooth headphones.  Sure, they may look a little dorky resting around your neck but I’ve long gotten over looking a little dorky.  Good quality sound, no problems with taking phone calls and the battery life is about four times longer than the battery life on my phone.  Worth the $54.

I didn’t watch the Oscars because I’m just not interested.  I haven’t seen many of the movies and I don’t care about the Academy’s opinion.  You see, me and the Academy rarely agree.

I just realized that I have seen exactly zero of the films nominated for Best Picture.  I’m not proud of this but I’m not ashamed of it, either.  Dee and I have been to the movie theater exactly one time since Scarlett was born.  My point is that Scarlett is a way better movie than anything else out there.

Speaking of Scarlett, that chick likes to get down to some Black Keys.

By the way, I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m anti-salad simply because having one salad in a weekend qualifies as a saladfest.  It’s just that I don’t like salads.
****

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Friday Roundup

It’s time to focus up.  Seriously, put your focus pants on.  Got ‘em on?  Great, now go get your focus socks.  Just put one of those on.  Leave the other one next to your chair.  You may need it later for something else.  Now read what comes next.

This Week in Mindsilt
Monday:
This past weekend was dubbed Meatfest 2012

Tuesday:
I may have taken a week off last week, but I’m right back in the saddle with my review of this week’s episode of The Bachelor

Thursday:
I got a little political and wrote about suitcase gods and finite laundry

Tweet of the Week
Video of the Week


****

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Suitcase Gods and Finite Laundry

I did not watch last night’s Republican debate but I bet I can tell you what happened:
  • Newt picked fights.  He’s really good at picking fights.
  • Mitt switched into wait for everyone else to blow it mode.
  • Rick Santorum talked about god.  He talked endlessly about god.
  • Ron Paul said crazy things and looked like a muppet.
  • They all barely hid their disdain for women.

Speaking of Rick Santorum, he called Barack Obama’s environmental policy “bad theology” because there is no difference between policy and theology in his mind.  Everyone knows he just wants to legislate his religion, right?

Speaking of religion, I recently got into a debate on Twitter with a believer who wrote the following about atheists:
“An atheist is someone who stands on the beach, looks out at the ocean and concludes there’s no continent on the other side.”
My response:
“A believer is someone who notices that things have shifted in his suitcase and thinks a little suitcase god decided to rearrange things.”
I don’t actually think that believers ascribe everything to god, but people have no problem thinking that atheists can only conceive of things they can see.  We still have imaginations.  We can conceive of an infinite number of possibilities.  We just don’t believe those possibilities until we have proof.

Damn, shit got political there for a second.

If this font was brown you would totally be thinking about poop while you read this, but you’re already thinking about poop so font color doesn’t really matter.

All the cool Catholics wear their ashes under their eyes like warpaint.  They’re saying, “We’re all gonna die, but I’ll kill you before you kill me.”

Here’s the best advice you’ve ever received: Never get a dog.  They are needy, anxious, annoying little beasts that need constant attention and they never learn to use a freaking toilet.  

Anyone want to adopt an adorable little dachshund?

I never learned how to ride a bicycle with no hands.  This is one thing I definitely feel is too late to learn at my age.  

I also never learned how to flip my pen in a cool way during meetings.  That’s because I’m way too busy and important to worry about such trifling things.

Once a year I like to take a “naked day” because sometimes you need to have every single piece of your clothing clean at the same time.  I refuse to let the laundry be infinite.
****

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #8 - A Review

Author's Note: I apologize for missing last week's review.  I was traveling for work and I was unable to watch the show or do anything that wasn't directly related to work.  I'll do my best to not let it happen again.

It’s hometown week on The Bachelor.  That means Ben goes to the hometowns of each of the girls and meets their families and has awkward conversations with their parents.  Guys, this is when it gets real.

Lindzi — Ocala, Florida
Lindzi lives on a gigantic horse farm.  That pretty much explains why I’ve never heard her offer her opinion on anything.  She’s never had to.  

I have no opinions.
Lindzi tells us about how the last guy she brought home broke her heart.  So she’s 0 for 1.  Can she keep the streak alive?  Put money on it.  She comes trotting in on a horse, of course.  She then hooks (that’s the word, right?  Hooks?) the horse up to a carriage and teaches Ben to drive the carriage.  She misses every single opportunity to drop any kind of hint about a carriage at their marriage.  She then utters the understatement of the year, “I think today is a really important day to get to know Ben.”  She opens up and talks to Ben about her last boyfriend who broke her heart.  Ben loves that shit.  He just loves to wallow in other people’s misery.

They ride to her parents’ house and tell them of all the things they’ve done since the show began.  They discover that her parents got married where Ben and Lindzi had their first date.  OMG, guys!  That’s like totally fate.  

Lindzi’s parents challenge Ben and Lindzi to horse carriage race.  Ben and Lindzi lose (I bet they would have won on a neutral field) and they have to pull her parents in a carriage back to the house.

Man, Lindzi really pronounces the two t’s in “important.”  In fact, I think she may even be adding one.  Anyway, she wants us to know that this date is really imtpotrtant.

Lindzi’s mom tells Ben she kept Lindzi busy and away from boys and that’s why Lindzi doesn’t have a lot of experience.  However, she does think Lindzi is ready to get engaged again.  When Ben talks to Lindzi’s dad, Ben tells him that he’s not ready to propose to anyone yet but that if he did he would want his permission.  The father toasts Ben and tells him he’s welcome to come back.  It feels like Lindzi’s dad wants a rose more than Lindzi does.

Ben closes the day by saying, “I think I might be falling in love with Lindzi.”

Kacie B. — Clarksville, Tennessee
Kacie decides to meet Ben at her high school.  As he walks in, a marching band greets him with Kacie bringing up the rear twirling a baton.  Does every girl from the South twirl baton?  The only thing more southern than twirling baton is racism.  The football field is special to her because it’s named after her grandfather.  Ooh, I can’t wait to take my wife on a date to the stretch of Indiana state highway named after my father.  It will be so romantic.  She tells Ben story of how her grandmother passed away right after her grandfather passed away as if it is some kind of great love story.  She died of a broken heart and all that.  I believe the correct term is cardiac arrest.

Her dad is a Federal Probation Officer and he doesn’t drink.  I bet he’s a real jokester who doesn’t take himself too seriously at all.

Side note:  Has a less attractive girl ever made it this far on this show?  Part of me respects Ben for bringing a troll this far and part of me wonders what the hell he’s thinking.  Side note to the side note:  What the hell is she wearing?  A polo shirt and some weird riding pants?  She looks like she’s dressed for 2nd grade school pictures.

After a not very awkward dinner, Kacie talks with her sister.  The sisters on these episodes see this as their big break, right?  Kacie tells her sister she loves Ben and she just wants her parents to trust her.  Good luck getting your dad to ever trust a woman, Kacie.

Kacie’s dad asks Ben what made him bring Kacie this far.  Ben stumbles a bit and just barely avoids saying, “The producers.”  Kacie’s dad tells him that marriage is very, very serious.  Really?  Is naming your child very, very serious?  You named your child Kacie.  With a ‘K’ and an ‘ie’?  C’mon, serious dad.  I’m not buying what you’re selling.  He tells Ben that he’s skeptical of the process because that’s what serious dad’s say.  

Kacie’s mom just starts spitting random words at him: integrity, courage, community.  I can’t tell if she’s lecturing him or running for President.  She expresses concern with her moving to California with Ben.  She’s not comfortable with them living together before marriage.  Surprise!  I bet she’s also not comfortable with them having pre-marital sex but if they do they should definitely not use birth control.  You know, because birth control is a sin.

Kacie’s dad tells her that he wants her to understand that marriage is very important.  I’m beginning to think that he thinks marriage is very important.  Is he telling us that marriage is so important that he’s going to stay in his even though he’s completely miserable?  Is this a cry for help?  No surprise that he’s also against the two of them moving in together before they get married.  Kacie says that if Ben were to ask her to marry him, she would say yes.  Her dad says that he would not give his blessing if Ben asked her to marry him right now.  

She’s suddenly worried.  You know your parents, Kacie.  You didn’t think this would be an issue?

Nicki - Hurst, TX (I think)
How have we never seen this girl’s enormous booty?  Why are you withholding the booty, producers?  I definitely feel like I’ve been deprived of some serious booty time.  

Nicki takes Ben to a boot store where they are greeted by the greatest man alive.  He has long gray hair, a long gray mustache, a pink shirt and cowboy hat.  He’s one of those dudes that really knows how to wear a cowboy hat.  Easily the highlight of the show.  Well, second only to Nicki’s booty.  After they buy their boots, they walk through the town in their new cowboy garb and Ben looks like the dorkiest man alive.  

Do we need to see each of the girls talk about how important this night is?  Are we that dumb?  Or have we just switched off our brains?  Yep.  The second one.  Nevermind.

Nicki tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  She’s excited to have “these feelings” again.  Nicki’s mom is happy for her, but she wants Nicki to be sure.  It’s much more boring when the parents clearly love and trust their child.

Nicki then tells her dad that she’s falling in love with Ben.  Her dad is also happy for her but he wants to be sure he doesn’t let her get hurt again.  He expresses regret for giving her hand away too early the first time.  He feels like he let her down.  Aww, shit.  I like this guy.  

Cut to a closeup of some gloppy, disgusting meat.

Her dad makes a toast and says that he hopes to see Ben again and that Nick and Ben have his support.  He chokes up and things get a little dusty in here.

Nicki pulls Ben away for one last chat.  She tells him she’s in love with him.  She says, “I want you and me and San Francisco.”  She was seconds away from breaking into song.

Courtney — Scottsdale, Arizona
Courtney is happy to be away from the girls, though she’s suddenly feeling regret for the way she’s treated the girls.  Is it because she just realized that Ben will be watching the show as it airs?

She tells everyone at the table that she “likes him, loves him.”  Whatever the hell that means.  Did she also write his name on her Trapper Keeper?  Her mother thinks Ben might be too polite for her.  Of course Courtney’s mom wants her to marry someone who’s more of a jerk.

Courtney tells her sister, “I feel like I’ve been with the wrong people so that I could appreciate the right one.”  Then she fakes crying for two seconds before she launches into the skinny dipping incident story.
Cortney’s dad tells Ben, “Marriage is life’s greatest gamble.  There’s only a 50% chance of winning.”  What?  This guy is an idiot who obviously doesn’t know how to use the Internet to research divorce statistics.  Dad likes Ben or maybe he just wants grandkids real bad.

I thought Courtney’s voice was annoying, but it doesn’t hold a candle to her mom’s voice.  Courtney tells her mom, “I’m falling for him.  If he keeps it up, I’d be ready to say yes if he proposed.”  If he keeps it up?  You mean, being who he is?

Courtney has something up her sleeve.  We can all feel it.  She wants to tell Ben she is love with him.  She hasn’t told him yet because every guy ever has betrayed her.  Even you.  She takes him to a park that is set up for a wedding.  She opens her bag to reveal a bow tie for Ben, paper and pens for them to write wedding vows and woven vine rings.  Ben is clearly nervous and a little freaked out.  He plays along anyway.  Once finish writing their vows, she walks him up to the gazebo and he reads his vows to her.  They include the words “real” and “honest.”  There is no joke here.  Courtney reads hers.  After a long, sincere speech she tells him she loves him.  They do the whole ring thing and the officiant says something like, “If this were a real wedding, you would be married.  It’s not, but you can kiss anyway.”  Damn.  I was hoping she found some kind of loophole and they’d end up married.

Well played, Courtney.  Win or not, you can successfully defend yourself on After the Rose.  If people call your sincerity in to question, you can point to this.  It doesn’t mean this wasn’t all completely manufactured, but so long as you stick to your guns you can argue you were in it for him all along.  Can we just declare her best contestant ever right now?

Meeting with Chris Harrison
Chris and Ben are back in L.A.  We get a quick recap of all of the dates we just saw.  This is the only show that is in reruns during a brand new episode.

The Rose Ceremony
Ben gives a boring speech about how hard this is for him.  Yada, yada.  Get to the roses.

Courtney gets the first rose.  The other girls look pissed.  Lindzi gets the next rose.  Kacie looks like she knows she’s going home.  Nicki gets the final rose and Kacie does go home.  Kacie freezes and doesn’t look surprised at all.  She doesn’t break down.  She just smirks harder than I’ve ever seen anyone smirk.  In the car she finally loses it.  She was blindsided.  She wails, “Why am I not good enough?  I don’t get it.  This is why I don’t love, this is why.  How did this happen?  What the fuck happened?”  Your ugly finally caught up to you, that’s what happened.  Also, Ben is afraid of your dad.

Next week they are going to Switzerland.  Does this mean he won’t have to send someone home next week?
****

Monday, February 20, 2012

Meatfest 2012

The best combination of words and numbers I could use to describe this weekend is “Meatfest 2012.”  I bet you can guess why.  Yep, I ate a lot of meat.  Dee and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this Saturday by going to Pete Miller’s Seafood & Prime Steak.  We ate big ole slabs of dead cow.  Delicious.  Yesterday we went to Dee’s parents’ house and had ribs.  Slabs and slabs of delicious dead animal carcass.  There was barbecue sauce.  In between I ate other meat products like chicken and other bird-related meats.

I’m sweating meat.

I saw the following caption on an MSNBC program while I was in the gym: “Were there warning signs prior to Whitney Houston’s death?”  I didn’t hear anything anyone on that program said but I just imagined them shouting, “Yes!  The last fifteen years,” over and over at each other.

I never watch the weekend news, but I happened to catch the end of a local news program in which the anchor signed off with, “Stay classy, Chicago.”  There were audible chuckles in the background.  Well, done.

I’m intrigued by the new NBC series “Awake.”  However, is there any doubt that the star of the show is the one who is dead?  Or at least in some kind of coma where his wife and kid are sitting in the hospital room waiting for him to wake up?  Doesn’t mean the show won’t be good.

Guys, there is an Oompa Loompa on "Celebrity Apprentice."  I guess she worked for Diddy or something.

Jim Irsay and Peyton Manning are both working so hard to save face with the fans in this whole weird injury situation.  The thing is, I think the fans get it.  Colts fans know it’s over.  We’re not dumb.  We love Peyton, but we just want to move on at this point.

I put that in there in case I wanted to title this “Weekend Football Thoughts and Other Things.”

I guess you already know I didn’t title it that after all.  Spoiler alert?

When you fart on an airplane, it just stays in your row, right?
****

Thursday, February 16, 2012

What Did I Miss?

Last Wednesday my job sent me to Houston.  Yesterday I got back to Chicago.  During my entire time in Houston I watched one half hour of television.  That half hour was not a half hour of The Bachelor.  Therefore, no review this week.  I totally know you watched it.  What did I miss?  Did Courtney say mean things?  Did she show her boobs again?  Did the other girls get all drunk and boring?  Did Chris Harrison make a surprise entrance wearing his serious face?  Oh man, I didn’t miss a damn thing.

Houston has these crazy swarms of blackbirds that inhabit the trees and cackle maniacally, but they only do it very early in the morning and late at night.  It’s creepy as hell.  It’s like they’re pissed that we one-upped them and went all the way to space with our flying machines.

If you Texans want to maintain your tough, no nonsense reputation you’ll need to stop whining so much when the temperature drops below 50ยบ.

I was proud that I never heard anyone say, “Houston, we have a problem,” at any point while in Houston.  This was especially impressive since there were plenty of opportunities to use the phrase.

I cannot give you an opinion on Houston as a city.  I spent all my time in about a three block radius from the building I was working in.  Plus, I was in the office for about twelve hours a day.

That’s right, I just had a pity party.  Deal with it.

Still, I had fun.  If you’re in Houston and you like beer go to the Flying Saucer.  They’ve got more beer than you can shake a stick at.  Seriously.  I tried to shake a stick at the beer and the stick just crumbled to dust.

It’s nice to have an open seat beside you on the airplane, but I never feel like I really know how to make the most of that extra space.  Am I supposed to do yoga or something?

I ate an obscene amount of bananas while in Houston.  They were free at the hotel so I took as many as I could get.  I’m sure I was unknowingly walking the thin line between healthy eating and potassium overdose.  No muscle cramps, though.

My daughter is almost completely disinterested in Skype and FaceTime.  She did try to kiss my face on the screen at least once which is just about the most adorable thing that has ever happened in the history of ever.  What’s that?  Nope, not crying.  Just allergies.  Allergies that make tears stream down my face.

What am I supposed to do with the cowboy hat, gun and Bible they issued me when I landed at the Houston airport?
****

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #6 - A Review

Welcome to Panama City, Panama.  Is there some kind of rule that requires everyone to say “Panama City, Panama,” and not just “Panama City?”  I get why you might be required to say, “Kansas City, Missouri,” but Panama City is in Panama.  The extra Panama is unnecessary.

Courtney is already scheming another skinny dipping outing with Ben.  Is that her only trick?  Yes.


First Date — Kacie B.
Ben stops by the ladies’ hotel to drop off the date card.  It reads, “Will our love survive?  Pack three things.”  

Now they’re just abusing Helicopter.  Helicopter is not to be overused.  It won’t feel special anymore.  I’m here for you Helicopter.  I know how special you are.  Helicopter drops them on what Kacie calls a “deserted island.”  It doesn’t seem deserted as much as uninhabited.  It’s not like a bunch of people bailed on this place.

The three things she brought: a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy.  Perfect.  She couldn’t have chosen better.  They immediately discard those things and go off to chop down some coconuts.  Ben spends a ridiculous amount of time hacking at the coconuts.  Eventually they manage to catch a fish and cook it on a fire.  You know, standard uninhabited island stuff.

In the evening they have dinner under the stars.  Kacie reveals that she had an eating disorder in high school.  He immediately gives her the rose.  You can’t not give the eating disorder girl a rose.  

Group Date — Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S, Courtney, Jamie
The group date card reads, “Lets get lost…”

Blakeley is psyched that she’s getting the two-on-one date.  Rachel is not psyched.  Everyone knows this means Blakeley is going home.

A ten year-old with boobs.
Ben takes the women out on the Chagres River and deep into the rain forest.  They stop at a village along the river to “enjoy the culture,” which is the most condescending thing ever.  The female villagers grab the women and take them to put on traditional garb.  Courtney takes this opportunity to take her top off and wear only the native beaded top.  The rest of the women keep their tops on.  Ben thinks it’s lame that the other women decided to keep their tops on.  Clearly this was a ploy for Ben to see everyone’s boobs.  The villagers then paint tribal signs on everyone’s bodies.  Because Courtney is a fifth grader, she paints, “B+C = *heart*” on Ben’s back.  She spends the rest of the time staring at her own boobs while she shakes them.

Courtney would be way more interesting if she had more weapons than just her boobs.
In the evening they go back to the hotel to hang out and have drinks by the pool.  He pulls Lindzi aside to talk to her.  She reveals something about herself so they can both pretend there’s a good reason to make out.  Then they make out.  

For his one-on-one time with Courtney, he takes her to a little cabana about which she says condescendingly, “That’s cute.”  Because nothing is good enough for her.  She then goes into her standard, “I lose sight of us when we’re not alone together,” thing.  Really?  This continues to work?  Jamie acknowledges that she doesn’t show him enough affection.  She’s determined to kiss him, but Courtney shows up in her bathing suit in the background and completely distracts Ben while Jamie is spilling her guts.  He says it’s hard to focus on Jamie.  Yeah?  Just leave, dude.  Take Jamie somewhere else.  You know, step up and be a man.  She tells him that she wants to kiss him but she can’t because Courtney is there.  Weak.  Give Courtney some of her own medicine.

Then it’s Emily’s turn.  She makes a joke about being in love with the chief from the tribe they visited.  He asks about Courtney.  She says she’s past it and she wants to focus on Ben.  They make out.  She then apologizes to Courtney.  Courtney is not having it.  She does not accept the apology and says that she has lost all respect for her and tries to pick another fight.  You know, because she’s awesome.  Ben comes in at the tail end and senses the awkward moment.

He then grabs Lindzi to give her the rose.  Guess who is pissed?

After the date, Courtney goes back to her room and gets done up for Ben and waits for him.  As she sits and stares at her watch, we hear her tell a tale of woe about how men don’t appreciate her.

Third Date — Blakeley and Rachel
The date card reads, “Save the last dance for me.”  A second date card reads, “Two girls, one rose.  One stays, one goes.”  That all couldn’t fit on one card?This does not dampen Blakeley’s sprits at all.  She is pumped.  Apparently she’s never watched this show before.  If your first small date is a two-on-one, you’re going home.

Ben takes the girls salsa dancing.  I thought I quit reviewing Dancing With the Stars.  Each girl is given a special gown.  For dancing!  The lesson begins.  Rachel and Ben do the dance by numbers and then Blakeley turns on the sex.  Rachel jumps back in and bores the crap out of him.  Blakeley takes another turn and goes into full stripper mode.  Well, not full stripper, just heavy stripper.  Not like an overweight stripper.  You know what I mean.  

In the evening they get cleaned up and head out to dinner.  It immediately becomes awkward.  Ben takes Rachel away for some one-on-one time.  She pours her heart out to him and they make out.  Blakeley also pours her heart out and she even manages to squeeze out a few tears.  Then she pulls out a fucking scrap book which details her time on the show with him.  Really?  Is this something adults do?

He gives the rose to Rachel.  Before Ben can say anything, Blakeley storms out.  He asks her to give him a chance to explain and she does, begrudgingly.  Everything he says sounds ridiculous, of course.  Did he forget how he handled the end with Ashley?  In the surprise twist of the season, Rachel puts on her Courtney face and completely gloats about getting the rose.  Do we have a new bad guy?

Back at the House  
Chris Harrison shows up.  He pulls Casey S away to speak privately.  No one knows what’s going on.  Chris says that he has been informed that Casey S is still in love with her boyfriend, Michael.  She denies it.  She says that she was in love with him but that he didn’t want to get married and that was a deal breaker.  She admits that she still has hope that Michael will change.  She admits that she doesn’t want to be in love with Michael but she is.  They go talk to Ben.  

Casey tells him that she came in to the show hoping to get over Michael but that she’s not completely over him.  He tells her that he’s disappointed that she didn’t tell him earlier because he sent women home that wanted to be there.  Then he says, “I think you should go home.”  Then we get some super ugly crying.  Crying is never sexy.

Chris goes back to the other women and tells them that they need to be “open to finding love” and if they are not, they should go home.  No one leaves.  Surprise.
Courtney just lost her only friend aside from her boobs.

The Cocktail Party
Do people in the dating world talk about their feelings like the couples on The Bachelor?  If so, I couldn’t be happier to be off the market.  

Jamie decides that she’s going to be aggressive with Ben.  As soon as they sit down, she just starts talking and talking.  Eventually, she straddles him and starts making out with him.  She calls it, “Being fancy.”  Unfortunately, she can’t stop giggling while they are making out.  Afterwards she asks him if it was awkward and then starts instructing him on how to kiss her.  It keeps getting more and more awkward until Ben finally cuts her off.  You need to see it for yourself.  It really is the best thing that has ever happened on this show.

The Rose Ceremony
Kacie B, Rachel and Lindzi have roses.  Courtney, Nicki, Emily and Jamie are left to battle for the three roses.  He gives Nicki and Courtney the first two and Emily gets the third.  I guess Jamie’s awkward make out session just wasn’t enough.  I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to do that again.

Next week they are going to Belize.  Courtney looks disappointed.
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