Tuesday, February 07, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #6 - A Review

Welcome to Panama City, Panama.  Is there some kind of rule that requires everyone to say “Panama City, Panama,” and not just “Panama City?”  I get why you might be required to say, “Kansas City, Missouri,” but Panama City is in Panama.  The extra Panama is unnecessary.

Courtney is already scheming another skinny dipping outing with Ben.  Is that her only trick?  Yes.


First Date — Kacie B.
Ben stops by the ladies’ hotel to drop off the date card.  It reads, “Will our love survive?  Pack three things.”  

Now they’re just abusing Helicopter.  Helicopter is not to be overused.  It won’t feel special anymore.  I’m here for you Helicopter.  I know how special you are.  Helicopter drops them on what Kacie calls a “deserted island.”  It doesn’t seem deserted as much as uninhabited.  It’s not like a bunch of people bailed on this place.

The three things she brought: a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy.  Perfect.  She couldn’t have chosen better.  They immediately discard those things and go off to chop down some coconuts.  Ben spends a ridiculous amount of time hacking at the coconuts.  Eventually they manage to catch a fish and cook it on a fire.  You know, standard uninhabited island stuff.

In the evening they have dinner under the stars.  Kacie reveals that she had an eating disorder in high school.  He immediately gives her the rose.  You can’t not give the eating disorder girl a rose.  

Group Date — Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S, Courtney, Jamie
The group date card reads, “Lets get lost…”

Blakeley is psyched that she’s getting the two-on-one date.  Rachel is not psyched.  Everyone knows this means Blakeley is going home.

A ten year-old with boobs.
Ben takes the women out on the Chagres River and deep into the rain forest.  They stop at a village along the river to “enjoy the culture,” which is the most condescending thing ever.  The female villagers grab the women and take them to put on traditional garb.  Courtney takes this opportunity to take her top off and wear only the native beaded top.  The rest of the women keep their tops on.  Ben thinks it’s lame that the other women decided to keep their tops on.  Clearly this was a ploy for Ben to see everyone’s boobs.  The villagers then paint tribal signs on everyone’s bodies.  Because Courtney is a fifth grader, she paints, “B+C = *heart*” on Ben’s back.  She spends the rest of the time staring at her own boobs while she shakes them.

Courtney would be way more interesting if she had more weapons than just her boobs.
In the evening they go back to the hotel to hang out and have drinks by the pool.  He pulls Lindzi aside to talk to her.  She reveals something about herself so they can both pretend there’s a good reason to make out.  Then they make out.  

For his one-on-one time with Courtney, he takes her to a little cabana about which she says condescendingly, “That’s cute.”  Because nothing is good enough for her.  She then goes into her standard, “I lose sight of us when we’re not alone together,” thing.  Really?  This continues to work?  Jamie acknowledges that she doesn’t show him enough affection.  She’s determined to kiss him, but Courtney shows up in her bathing suit in the background and completely distracts Ben while Jamie is spilling her guts.  He says it’s hard to focus on Jamie.  Yeah?  Just leave, dude.  Take Jamie somewhere else.  You know, step up and be a man.  She tells him that she wants to kiss him but she can’t because Courtney is there.  Weak.  Give Courtney some of her own medicine.

Then it’s Emily’s turn.  She makes a joke about being in love with the chief from the tribe they visited.  He asks about Courtney.  She says she’s past it and she wants to focus on Ben.  They make out.  She then apologizes to Courtney.  Courtney is not having it.  She does not accept the apology and says that she has lost all respect for her and tries to pick another fight.  You know, because she’s awesome.  Ben comes in at the tail end and senses the awkward moment.

He then grabs Lindzi to give her the rose.  Guess who is pissed?

After the date, Courtney goes back to her room and gets done up for Ben and waits for him.  As she sits and stares at her watch, we hear her tell a tale of woe about how men don’t appreciate her.

Third Date — Blakeley and Rachel
The date card reads, “Save the last dance for me.”  A second date card reads, “Two girls, one rose.  One stays, one goes.”  That all couldn’t fit on one card?This does not dampen Blakeley’s sprits at all.  She is pumped.  Apparently she’s never watched this show before.  If your first small date is a two-on-one, you’re going home.

Ben takes the girls salsa dancing.  I thought I quit reviewing Dancing With the Stars.  Each girl is given a special gown.  For dancing!  The lesson begins.  Rachel and Ben do the dance by numbers and then Blakeley turns on the sex.  Rachel jumps back in and bores the crap out of him.  Blakeley takes another turn and goes into full stripper mode.  Well, not full stripper, just heavy stripper.  Not like an overweight stripper.  You know what I mean.  

In the evening they get cleaned up and head out to dinner.  It immediately becomes awkward.  Ben takes Rachel away for some one-on-one time.  She pours her heart out to him and they make out.  Blakeley also pours her heart out and she even manages to squeeze out a few tears.  Then she pulls out a fucking scrap book which details her time on the show with him.  Really?  Is this something adults do?

He gives the rose to Rachel.  Before Ben can say anything, Blakeley storms out.  He asks her to give him a chance to explain and she does, begrudgingly.  Everything he says sounds ridiculous, of course.  Did he forget how he handled the end with Ashley?  In the surprise twist of the season, Rachel puts on her Courtney face and completely gloats about getting the rose.  Do we have a new bad guy?

Back at the House  
Chris Harrison shows up.  He pulls Casey S away to speak privately.  No one knows what’s going on.  Chris says that he has been informed that Casey S is still in love with her boyfriend, Michael.  She denies it.  She says that she was in love with him but that he didn’t want to get married and that was a deal breaker.  She admits that she still has hope that Michael will change.  She admits that she doesn’t want to be in love with Michael but she is.  They go talk to Ben.  

Casey tells him that she came in to the show hoping to get over Michael but that she’s not completely over him.  He tells her that he’s disappointed that she didn’t tell him earlier because he sent women home that wanted to be there.  Then he says, “I think you should go home.”  Then we get some super ugly crying.  Crying is never sexy.

Chris goes back to the other women and tells them that they need to be “open to finding love” and if they are not, they should go home.  No one leaves.  Surprise.
Courtney just lost her only friend aside from her boobs.

The Cocktail Party
Do people in the dating world talk about their feelings like the couples on The Bachelor?  If so, I couldn’t be happier to be off the market.  

Jamie decides that she’s going to be aggressive with Ben.  As soon as they sit down, she just starts talking and talking.  Eventually, she straddles him and starts making out with him.  She calls it, “Being fancy.”  Unfortunately, she can’t stop giggling while they are making out.  Afterwards she asks him if it was awkward and then starts instructing him on how to kiss her.  It keeps getting more and more awkward until Ben finally cuts her off.  You need to see it for yourself.  It really is the best thing that has ever happened on this show.

The Rose Ceremony
Kacie B, Rachel and Lindzi have roses.  Courtney, Nicki, Emily and Jamie are left to battle for the three roses.  He gives Nicki and Courtney the first two and Emily gets the third.  I guess Jamie’s awkward make out session just wasn’t enough.  I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to do that again.

Next week they are going to Belize.  Courtney looks disappointed.
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