Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #8 - A Review

Author's Note: I apologize for missing last week's review.  I was traveling for work and I was unable to watch the show or do anything that wasn't directly related to work.  I'll do my best to not let it happen again.

It’s hometown week on The Bachelor.  That means Ben goes to the hometowns of each of the girls and meets their families and has awkward conversations with their parents.  Guys, this is when it gets real.

Lindzi — Ocala, Florida
Lindzi lives on a gigantic horse farm.  That pretty much explains why I’ve never heard her offer her opinion on anything.  She’s never had to.  

I have no opinions.
Lindzi tells us about how the last guy she brought home broke her heart.  So she’s 0 for 1.  Can she keep the streak alive?  Put money on it.  She comes trotting in on a horse, of course.  She then hooks (that’s the word, right?  Hooks?) the horse up to a carriage and teaches Ben to drive the carriage.  She misses every single opportunity to drop any kind of hint about a carriage at their marriage.  She then utters the understatement of the year, “I think today is a really important day to get to know Ben.”  She opens up and talks to Ben about her last boyfriend who broke her heart.  Ben loves that shit.  He just loves to wallow in other people’s misery.

They ride to her parents’ house and tell them of all the things they’ve done since the show began.  They discover that her parents got married where Ben and Lindzi had their first date.  OMG, guys!  That’s like totally fate.  

Lindzi’s parents challenge Ben and Lindzi to horse carriage race.  Ben and Lindzi lose (I bet they would have won on a neutral field) and they have to pull her parents in a carriage back to the house.

Man, Lindzi really pronounces the two t’s in “important.”  In fact, I think she may even be adding one.  Anyway, she wants us to know that this date is really imtpotrtant.

Lindzi’s mom tells Ben she kept Lindzi busy and away from boys and that’s why Lindzi doesn’t have a lot of experience.  However, she does think Lindzi is ready to get engaged again.  When Ben talks to Lindzi’s dad, Ben tells him that he’s not ready to propose to anyone yet but that if he did he would want his permission.  The father toasts Ben and tells him he’s welcome to come back.  It feels like Lindzi’s dad wants a rose more than Lindzi does.

Ben closes the day by saying, “I think I might be falling in love with Lindzi.”

Kacie B. — Clarksville, Tennessee
Kacie decides to meet Ben at her high school.  As he walks in, a marching band greets him with Kacie bringing up the rear twirling a baton.  Does every girl from the South twirl baton?  The only thing more southern than twirling baton is racism.  The football field is special to her because it’s named after her grandfather.  Ooh, I can’t wait to take my wife on a date to the stretch of Indiana state highway named after my father.  It will be so romantic.  She tells Ben story of how her grandmother passed away right after her grandfather passed away as if it is some kind of great love story.  She died of a broken heart and all that.  I believe the correct term is cardiac arrest.

Her dad is a Federal Probation Officer and he doesn’t drink.  I bet he’s a real jokester who doesn’t take himself too seriously at all.

Side note:  Has a less attractive girl ever made it this far on this show?  Part of me respects Ben for bringing a troll this far and part of me wonders what the hell he’s thinking.  Side note to the side note:  What the hell is she wearing?  A polo shirt and some weird riding pants?  She looks like she’s dressed for 2nd grade school pictures.

After a not very awkward dinner, Kacie talks with her sister.  The sisters on these episodes see this as their big break, right?  Kacie tells her sister she loves Ben and she just wants her parents to trust her.  Good luck getting your dad to ever trust a woman, Kacie.

Kacie’s dad asks Ben what made him bring Kacie this far.  Ben stumbles a bit and just barely avoids saying, “The producers.”  Kacie’s dad tells him that marriage is very, very serious.  Really?  Is naming your child very, very serious?  You named your child Kacie.  With a ‘K’ and an ‘ie’?  C’mon, serious dad.  I’m not buying what you’re selling.  He tells Ben that he’s skeptical of the process because that’s what serious dad’s say.  

Kacie’s mom just starts spitting random words at him: integrity, courage, community.  I can’t tell if she’s lecturing him or running for President.  She expresses concern with her moving to California with Ben.  She’s not comfortable with them living together before marriage.  Surprise!  I bet she’s also not comfortable with them having pre-marital sex but if they do they should definitely not use birth control.  You know, because birth control is a sin.

Kacie’s dad tells her that he wants her to understand that marriage is very important.  I’m beginning to think that he thinks marriage is very important.  Is he telling us that marriage is so important that he’s going to stay in his even though he’s completely miserable?  Is this a cry for help?  No surprise that he’s also against the two of them moving in together before they get married.  Kacie says that if Ben were to ask her to marry him, she would say yes.  Her dad says that he would not give his blessing if Ben asked her to marry him right now.  

She’s suddenly worried.  You know your parents, Kacie.  You didn’t think this would be an issue?

Nicki - Hurst, TX (I think)
How have we never seen this girl’s enormous booty?  Why are you withholding the booty, producers?  I definitely feel like I’ve been deprived of some serious booty time.  

Nicki takes Ben to a boot store where they are greeted by the greatest man alive.  He has long gray hair, a long gray mustache, a pink shirt and cowboy hat.  He’s one of those dudes that really knows how to wear a cowboy hat.  Easily the highlight of the show.  Well, second only to Nicki’s booty.  After they buy their boots, they walk through the town in their new cowboy garb and Ben looks like the dorkiest man alive.  

Do we need to see each of the girls talk about how important this night is?  Are we that dumb?  Or have we just switched off our brains?  Yep.  The second one.  Nevermind.

Nicki tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  She’s excited to have “these feelings” again.  Nicki’s mom is happy for her, but she wants Nicki to be sure.  It’s much more boring when the parents clearly love and trust their child.

Nicki then tells her dad that she’s falling in love with Ben.  Her dad is also happy for her but he wants to be sure he doesn’t let her get hurt again.  He expresses regret for giving her hand away too early the first time.  He feels like he let her down.  Aww, shit.  I like this guy.  

Cut to a closeup of some gloppy, disgusting meat.

Her dad makes a toast and says that he hopes to see Ben again and that Nick and Ben have his support.  He chokes up and things get a little dusty in here.

Nicki pulls Ben away for one last chat.  She tells him she’s in love with him.  She says, “I want you and me and San Francisco.”  She was seconds away from breaking into song.

Courtney — Scottsdale, Arizona
Courtney is happy to be away from the girls, though she’s suddenly feeling regret for the way she’s treated the girls.  Is it because she just realized that Ben will be watching the show as it airs?

She tells everyone at the table that she “likes him, loves him.”  Whatever the hell that means.  Did she also write his name on her Trapper Keeper?  Her mother thinks Ben might be too polite for her.  Of course Courtney’s mom wants her to marry someone who’s more of a jerk.

Courtney tells her sister, “I feel like I’ve been with the wrong people so that I could appreciate the right one.”  Then she fakes crying for two seconds before she launches into the skinny dipping incident story.
Cortney’s dad tells Ben, “Marriage is life’s greatest gamble.  There’s only a 50% chance of winning.”  What?  This guy is an idiot who obviously doesn’t know how to use the Internet to research divorce statistics.  Dad likes Ben or maybe he just wants grandkids real bad.

I thought Courtney’s voice was annoying, but it doesn’t hold a candle to her mom’s voice.  Courtney tells her mom, “I’m falling for him.  If he keeps it up, I’d be ready to say yes if he proposed.”  If he keeps it up?  You mean, being who he is?

Courtney has something up her sleeve.  We can all feel it.  She wants to tell Ben she is love with him.  She hasn’t told him yet because every guy ever has betrayed her.  Even you.  She takes him to a park that is set up for a wedding.  She opens her bag to reveal a bow tie for Ben, paper and pens for them to write wedding vows and woven vine rings.  Ben is clearly nervous and a little freaked out.  He plays along anyway.  Once finish writing their vows, she walks him up to the gazebo and he reads his vows to her.  They include the words “real” and “honest.”  There is no joke here.  Courtney reads hers.  After a long, sincere speech she tells him she loves him.  They do the whole ring thing and the officiant says something like, “If this were a real wedding, you would be married.  It’s not, but you can kiss anyway.”  Damn.  I was hoping she found some kind of loophole and they’d end up married.

Well played, Courtney.  Win or not, you can successfully defend yourself on After the Rose.  If people call your sincerity in to question, you can point to this.  It doesn’t mean this wasn’t all completely manufactured, but so long as you stick to your guns you can argue you were in it for him all along.  Can we just declare her best contestant ever right now?

Meeting with Chris Harrison
Chris and Ben are back in L.A.  We get a quick recap of all of the dates we just saw.  This is the only show that is in reruns during a brand new episode.

The Rose Ceremony
Ben gives a boring speech about how hard this is for him.  Yada, yada.  Get to the roses.

Courtney gets the first rose.  The other girls look pissed.  Lindzi gets the next rose.  Kacie looks like she knows she’s going home.  Nicki gets the final rose and Kacie does go home.  Kacie freezes and doesn’t look surprised at all.  She doesn’t break down.  She just smirks harder than I’ve ever seen anyone smirk.  In the car she finally loses it.  She was blindsided.  She wails, “Why am I not good enough?  I don’t get it.  This is why I don’t love, this is why.  How did this happen?  What the fuck happened?”  Your ugly finally caught up to you, that’s what happened.  Also, Ben is afraid of your dad.

Next week they are going to Switzerland.  Does this mean he won’t have to send someone home next week?

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