Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #9 - A Review

This week the crew is off to Switzerland for some hot sexual intercourse in the Fantasy Suites.
The show opens with Ben giving the standard speech about how hard this decision will be for him.  Which decision?  Whether to bang these girls or not?  Yeah, tough one.

Again, we’re in reruns before the show even begins.  Ben stares out the window of the airplane while they cut to clips from previous episodes.  I love when they do this because I get to go do something way more awesome than watch this show.

Nicki’s Date
There's not enough camera for her booty.
Oh, Helicopter.  I knew you’d make one last appearance before the end of the season.  While in Helicopter Ben says, “My relationship to Nicki is going to new heights,” and “It’s going to be a wild ride.”  No.  Just no.  Make him stop.  They are dropped on a grassy spot atop a mountain in the Alps.  They talk about how Nicki is in love with him.  Then they toss a few half-ass shouts into the valley below.  She is trying soooo hard.

They get back into Helicopter and Helicopter drops them onto an even tinier peak.  Nicki launches into some really lame analogy about how the cliff is like their relationship.  This is what happens when the writers on this show actually try to write.

In the evening they have a romantic dinner in a log cabin.  It’s so romantic they high five when they sit down for dinner.  She asks him how many kids he wants.  He wants four.  She wants two, but she’d totally do four if that’s what Ben wants because she’ll do whatever Ben wants just please god give me a rose.  He gives her the Fantasy Suite card.  She accepts.  Ben is so happy that he finally gets to tap that ass.  That big ole ass.  I don’t think he can handle it.

My favorite part of this episode is when the girls spend their solo interviews trying to explain why accepting the invite to the Fantasy Suite doesn’t make them a slut without actually saying that.

Ben takes Nicki to the hot tub to warm her up but she just keeps talking.  Dee says, “Stop talking.  Just sex him.  You talk too much.”

Lindzi’s Date
Ben has no idea what he and Lindzi are going to do on their date.  They discover they are going going to repel 300 feet off a ledge.  They’re both freaked out.  They harness them up and they begin their descent.  Their very, very slow descent.  Seriously, it’s shockingly slow.  By the time they get to the bottom Dee says, “I thought they were going to… do something.”

They retire to a hot tub and Lindzi tries to work up the nerve to tell Ben she loves him.  Instead they talk about how she’s opened up.  We also get a voice over from Ben talking about how important it is that they get to have extra time together in the Fantasy Suite.  C’mon.  Can’t we all just be grown ups and talk about how we want to lick each other’s nipples?

During dinner Ben asks her what helped her change and open up.  Her response is practically endless and completely nonsensical.  She then kind of admits that she’s in love with him but not really.  She accepts the invitation to the Fantasy Suite.

Also, I love that the Fantasy Suite cards are all signed by Chris Harrison.  It’s like dad is giving you permission to bone.  I wish he’d tuck a condom in there just once.

When she sees the Fantasy Suite she says, “This really is a fantasy of a suite.”  Eloquent.

Courtney’s Date
Ben is concerned about how Courtney has treated the other women, but I’m sure it’s nothing her naked boobies can’t solve.  

They hop on a train — which is probably on time — to Wengen where they will do the walking around and hanging out thing.  This means it’s definitely going to rain, right?  Courtney looks disappointed that there won’t be anywhere to skinny dip.  They hit the shops and get stuff for their lunch.  Once they have their stuff, they sit down for a little picnic and a game of “Hey cow.”  You shout “hey cow” and if the cow looks you win.  Courtney tries and loses.

They talk about how Courtney mistreated the other women.  She admits that she didn’t handle it well and he starts to get into it when Ben decides he doesn’t want to talk about it.  In her solo interview, she turns on the waterworks.  You’d think she actually has feelings for him.  

They have another romantic dinner in an impossibly romantic room.  Courtney tells Ben she feels badly about the way she treated the other girls and she could have handled herself better.  This concerns Ben because he has lots of women friends and he wants to have the support of his family and friends when he gets back home.  She apologizes.

He offers her the Fantasy Suite card.  In the least shocking moment of the season, she accepts the invitation.  There’s another hot tub.  This time she keeps her clothes on.  

Bachelorette Sneak Peek
We get reintroduced to Emily, the next Bachelorette.  It’s super boring because she’s super boring.  They bring back Ashley and Ally to help her get ready for her season.  Then they go to see Titanic in 3D.  Why did they take her to see Titanic?  Did they forget that her husband died tragically?  I don’t think they could have chosen a worse movie for her.

The Bachelorette with Emily is going to suck.

More Drama/Time Filler
Kacie shows up at Ben’s door.  When Ben opens the door he says, “Holy shit.  Hi.”  Kacie seems super nervous and she keeps apologizing.  She tells him she was so shocked that she couldn’t even think the night she went home.  She came back to figure out what happened.  He tells her their family backgrounds are “worlds apart.”  Basically, he hated her family and he didn’t want to deal with them.  Can’t blame him.

Before she leaves, she decides to “tell him everything.”  She says, “I feel like if you were to choose Courtney, I think you would get your heart broken.”  She says all of this under the guise of protecting him.  Why would she want to protect him?  If she really loved him, wouldn’t she want him to choose the girl who would break his heart so that she can swoop in and scoop him up later?

Now Ben is confused again.  It’s time for some Chris Harrison counseling and that’s exactly what he gets.  He talks about the situation with Courtney and then he recaps the dates.  Chris can’t pin him down on where he’s at so we have to endure more shots of Ben looking thoughtfully out the window.  So glad we got to see that.

The Rose Ceremony
The first rose goes to Lindzi.  Courtney gets the final rose.  I told you Ben couldn’t handle Nicki’s booty.  This totally means that Ben is going to propose to Courtney and we’ll get to watch them fight with each other when they are reunited after their breakup on Bachelor Pad.  

He gives Nicki some lame speech about how it wasn’t her.  It’s just that he had doubts.  Does he realize that he constantly does what Ashley tried to do to him when she chose the other guy?  He’s terrible at breakups.  

Next week they will be going to another village in Switzerland.  I bet there will be hot tubs.

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