Thursday, February 23, 2012

Suitcase Gods and Finite Laundry

I did not watch last night’s Republican debate but I bet I can tell you what happened:
  • Newt picked fights.  He’s really good at picking fights.
  • Mitt switched into wait for everyone else to blow it mode.
  • Rick Santorum talked about god.  He talked endlessly about god.
  • Ron Paul said crazy things and looked like a muppet.
  • They all barely hid their disdain for women.

Speaking of Rick Santorum, he called Barack Obama’s environmental policy “bad theology” because there is no difference between policy and theology in his mind.  Everyone knows he just wants to legislate his religion, right?

Speaking of religion, I recently got into a debate on Twitter with a believer who wrote the following about atheists:
“An atheist is someone who stands on the beach, looks out at the ocean and concludes there’s no continent on the other side.”
My response:
“A believer is someone who notices that things have shifted in his suitcase and thinks a little suitcase god decided to rearrange things.”
I don’t actually think that believers ascribe everything to god, but people have no problem thinking that atheists can only conceive of things they can see.  We still have imaginations.  We can conceive of an infinite number of possibilities.  We just don’t believe those possibilities until we have proof.

Damn, shit got political there for a second.

If this font was brown you would totally be thinking about poop while you read this, but you’re already thinking about poop so font color doesn’t really matter.

All the cool Catholics wear their ashes under their eyes like warpaint.  They’re saying, “We’re all gonna die, but I’ll kill you before you kill me.”

Here’s the best advice you’ve ever received: Never get a dog.  They are needy, anxious, annoying little beasts that need constant attention and they never learn to use a freaking toilet.  

Anyone want to adopt an adorable little dachshund?

I never learned how to ride a bicycle with no hands.  This is one thing I definitely feel is too late to learn at my age.  

I also never learned how to flip my pen in a cool way during meetings.  That’s because I’m way too busy and important to worry about such trifling things.

Once a year I like to take a “naked day” because sometimes you need to have every single piece of your clothing clean at the same time.  I refuse to let the laundry be infinite.


  1. Laurianne9:46 AM

    Jeff, I believe that you still CAN learn to ride a bicycle with no hands. When I was younger, I could ride for blocks - with turns! - with no hands. When I get on a bike now, it doesn't take long for me to be able to do it again. I may not be as nimble, and a little more top heavy than my younger self (thank god), but it's as easy as... Riding a bike! Go down to the lake, try it out, show off for your ladies. If an Olbrisch can do it - I know you can.

  2. Anonymous10:38 AM

    If it makes you feel any better, I've been told to tone down the super-sweet pen flipping. As a result, I no longer bring pens to meetings...

  3. I am casting a Republican primary ticket and voting for Santorum! I can't get enough of the guy! He is the funniest guy on television! He's similar to Colbert, but he really means the shit! Hilarious!

  4. Laurianne - I guess I still do have time. I need a bike, though.
    Anonymous - Who is the jackass that's getting all pissed about pen flipping? Eff that guy. Pen flipping is the only good thing about meetings.
    Brian - I assume you mean "scary" when you write "hilarious."