Thursday, February 16, 2012

What Did I Miss?

Last Wednesday my job sent me to Houston.  Yesterday I got back to Chicago.  During my entire time in Houston I watched one half hour of television.  That half hour was not a half hour of The Bachelor.  Therefore, no review this week.  I totally know you watched it.  What did I miss?  Did Courtney say mean things?  Did she show her boobs again?  Did the other girls get all drunk and boring?  Did Chris Harrison make a surprise entrance wearing his serious face?  Oh man, I didn’t miss a damn thing.

Houston has these crazy swarms of blackbirds that inhabit the trees and cackle maniacally, but they only do it very early in the morning and late at night.  It’s creepy as hell.  It’s like they’re pissed that we one-upped them and went all the way to space with our flying machines.

If you Texans want to maintain your tough, no nonsense reputation you’ll need to stop whining so much when the temperature drops below 50º.

I was proud that I never heard anyone say, “Houston, we have a problem,” at any point while in Houston.  This was especially impressive since there were plenty of opportunities to use the phrase.

I cannot give you an opinion on Houston as a city.  I spent all my time in about a three block radius from the building I was working in.  Plus, I was in the office for about twelve hours a day.

That’s right, I just had a pity party.  Deal with it.

Still, I had fun.  If you’re in Houston and you like beer go to the Flying Saucer.  They’ve got more beer than you can shake a stick at.  Seriously.  I tried to shake a stick at the beer and the stick just crumbled to dust.

It’s nice to have an open seat beside you on the airplane, but I never feel like I really know how to make the most of that extra space.  Am I supposed to do yoga or something?

I ate an obscene amount of bananas while in Houston.  They were free at the hotel so I took as many as I could get.  I’m sure I was unknowingly walking the thin line between healthy eating and potassium overdose.  No muscle cramps, though.

My daughter is almost completely disinterested in Skype and FaceTime.  She did try to kiss my face on the screen at least once which is just about the most adorable thing that has ever happened in the history of ever.  What’s that?  Nope, not crying.  Just allergies.  Allergies that make tears stream down my face.

What am I supposed to do with the cowboy hat, gun and Bible they issued me when I landed at the Houston airport?


  1. I have some very upset ladies in the office and one pressurized gas vendor missing their Bachelor review. Welcome back to civilization! As sweet as your daughter is now, remember that she will one day be a teenager and watch twilight. I think you should give Dee the hat, Scarlett the gun, and burn the Bible, then take a picture and send it out next Christmas to all your friends and family.

  2. I sincerely apologize to your colleagues who were upset about the missed review. I sometimes forget that there are people other than you and Dee who read this stuff (I'm not even sure Dee reads it). Do you have any predictions on what the Twilight of Scarlett's teenage years will be? That's a whole other post, I think.

    I need to find a friend with Photoshop and get that photo made ASAP.

  3. Hmm, the Twilight of the next generation? It is tough because most things have been done already, zombies, aliens, vampires, werewolves. I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say blood-thirsty unicorn/centaurs that impale their victims and bathe in their remains, but again fall in love with the misunderstood "outsider" with a heart of gold.