Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Believe...

…that if you’re worried about this country’s eroding moral values, you can do a lot more good by doing a little self reflection and teaching your kids to be honest people than you ever can by electing a religious fanatic to public office.

…that it’s very important to take your time and add something special to your Draw Something drawing for the enjoyment of your drawing partner.

…that using one password for all of your logins is really, really, really, really stupid.

…that if you’re only concerned about media bias when it concerns media sources whose perspective you don’t agree with, you’re missing the entire point.

…that if you have created just one thing that people really, truly love then you have succeeded as a human being.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Big News

In 2002, I sat down with Jason Geis, Micah Philbrook, Christian Carranza and Kristine Kitts and we came up with the idea for what would eventually become pH Productions.  If you don’t already know pH Productions is my comedy theater company.  We’re coming up on our 10 year anniversary this November.  I never imagined that it would last this long, but just won’t die.  It keeps chugging along because of all sorts of awesome people that love this silly little company as much as I do.  Yesterday, it was announced by some of those very same awesome people that pH officially has its very own theater.

Holy shit.

This may not sound like a big deal, but it is.  For the past 10 years we’ve been renting our theater space from other theater companies.  If they were doing a show with an elaborate set that looked like a jungle, we had to adapt and do our shows in that jungle.  If they were doing a show with a set that involved several oversized pieces of cheese with trap doors (this actually happened), we had to do our shows in and around those pieces of cheese.  Sometimes it was awesome, sometimes it sucked but we kept doing shows.  Because we’re professionals.  Those days are now behind us.  From this point forward (or the point when we actually open the theater) we will be doing our shows on our stage built specifically for us, by us.  Our name will be on the door — and hopefully on a large sign outside.

Again.  Holy shit.

There is still a lot of work to do but right now I’m just going to enjoy the fact that we finally have our own space.  A pH theater.  How about that?

If you’d like to help us with our theater, you can go to my fundraising page and donate whatever bit of change you can afford.  Please give a little something.  We’ve got lots of toilet paper to buy. 

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Friday Roundup

Ding dong.  Who’s there?  The Joke Police.  The Joke Police, who?  No, this is not a joke.  It’s the Joke Police.  We’re here to ask you why “knock, knock” jokes haven’t become “ding dong” jokes.  Well officer, “ding dong” jokes are something entirely different and they are not appropriate for children.  Thank you, sir.  We’re sorry to have wasted your time.

Friday Roundup!

This Week In Mindsilt
I napped in my car and other Weekend Things

I gave you my thoughts on Peyton Manning signing with the Broncos. 


Tweet of the Week
Links of the Week
Go to this site and move your mouse around and be amazed.  It helps if you’re stoned.

See if you can tell what is wrong with these photos.

Video of the Week
Nope.  I got nuthin’.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Believe...

…there is no god, but no matter whether you believe in god or not you have to admit that you could be wrong.  Otherwise, you are a lunatic.

…the penny needs to die.  It costs more to produce than it is worth and it’s nearly impossible to spend.  Isn’t the point of money to make it easy to buy things?  The penny no longer fits that description.  This video says it better than I ever could. 

…all vehicles have the right to share the road but I have absolutely no tolerance for bicyclists who ignore every single rule of the road.  Also, Segways have absolutely no right to be anywhere.

…that people who need coffee (or any other type of caffeine) in the morning are weak.   

…that as I get older I’m beginning to realize just how evil television can be.

Full disclosure: I’m stealing this idea from my friend Don Hall.  I’m pretty sure he borrowed it from somewhere else but I can’t be certain.  Anyway, I thought it was a great idea and now I’m going to post one of my own every Thursday (so don’t think that these five ideas form the core of my beliefs — there will be more to come).  You should follow/subscribe/bookmark Don’s blog.  Thought provoking stuff.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

More Thoughts on Peyton Manning

It looks like Peyton Manning is going to play for the Denver Broncos.  I don’t get it.  He’d rather stand behind a mediocre offensive line and throw to Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker than play behind the best offensive line in football and throw to Randy Moss and Mario Manningham?  Huh?  Also, the 49ers have a better defense.  I think he just really likes John Elway.

Or maybe it’s just about the money.
Or maybe it’s just that he’s the most comfortable playing against AFC teams that he’s played against his whole career.  
Or maybe his neck doesn’t hurt as much in high altitude.
Or maybe he hates Football Jesus and wants to take his job.
Or maybe he loves Football Jesus and wants to help him go home to the Bible belt.
Or maybe he just has bad taste in uniforms.
Or maybe his wife really likes to ski.
Or maybe he likes is water to boil faster.
Or maybe he just really likes the omelets.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Weekend Things

In case you’ve forgotten, I’m no longer going to review Dancing With the Stars.  I just can’t do it anymore.  It really is the worst program on television.  What will be in its place?  I don’t know.  Probably nothing for a while.  If you have any ideas, let me know.

On Friday, I spent the whole day watching basketball and partying.  At first I felt guilty about leaving Dee at home with Scarlett while I got wasted with the guys.  Then I remembered how much fun I have with Scarlett when Dee goes out and gets wasted with the girls and I don’t feel so bad.  More shots!

Shots are always a bad idea for a man of my age.  So are Doritos Locos tacos from Taco Bell.

Also, I napped in my car at one point on Friday.

On Saturday, I went to a birthday party for a one year-old.  I drank zero beers and even managed to take an hour nap without being the guy that was off napping in the corner.  (It helped that Scarlett was off her schedule.)

Also, on Saturday I got to drive our new car for the first time since the test drive.  It was delightful.  Scarlett didn’t feel the same.  Maybe it was just my driving.

Hey Carl’s Jr.: Putting a hot girl in your burger ads doesn’t make me want a burger, it just means I have to mentally Photoshop a burger out of my fantasies.

Speaking of hot girls eating burgers, I went to Five Guys on St. Patrick’s Day.  Lots of cute drunk girls sloppily eating burgers and fries.  Nothing in that restaurant was sexy.  Especially the girl with two fries in her hair.

I just hope they give all the trains a good scrubbing before I have to go to work on Monday.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Bachelor Finalé - A Review

Tonight it all ends.  At least until all three of them show up on The Bachelor Pad this summer.  Of course, Chris Harrison reminds us that this is the “most controversial finale of The Bachelor.”  It may be the most controversial but the final episode of this show is always the least interesting.  It’s all about one decision that takes up about 30 seconds of screen time so they have to fill the rest of the time with boring philosophizing about what might happen.  No one cares what might happen.  We want to know what did happen. 

Ben’s mom (Barbara) and sister (Julia) are in Switzerland to help Ben with his decision.  He wants them to ask Lindzi and Courtney for details of why they love him.  You know, because they haven’t been gushing over him enough.  His sister immediately asks if there was a girl who didn’t get along with the other girls.  Ben replies, “You’ll meet her tomorrow.”

Lindzi Meets the Family
Lindzi sits down on the couch with Ben and his family and has an awkward conversation.  She then spends lunch dropping her fork repeatedly and says, “I get nervous when I have to eat all fancy.”  Does she usually eat with her hands?  Since when is silverware fancy? 

Barbara asks what the “secret ingredient” is that attracts her to Ben.  Lindzi says it’s that he’s easy to talk to.  Seriously?  Is there anyone Lindzi has a hard time talking to?  She never shuts up.  Julia asks Lindzi about Courtney.  Lindzi tries to be as nice as possible.  She says, “Courtney is different.”  I guess that’s enough to win Julia over.

Ben sits down with his mom and sister after the date and they all agree that Lindzi is “special.”

Courtney Meets the Family
Before the date, Julia lists off the red flags she already sees with Courtney.  One, she’s a model.  Two, she’s the girl that everyone hated.    

Ben meets Courtney outside and they both talk about how they are nervous.  Ben is nervous because he knows his family is going to hate her.  Courtney is nervous because she knows she’s supposed to say that.  When Courtney meets Barbara and Julia, she leads with, “I think some of the girls were a little judgy of me.”  She then tells a story about how hard she tried with the other girls.  It seems pretty clear they aren’t buying it.

Julia asks about the friction in the house.  Courtney says that she tried hard to make friends with the girls but she just couldn’t win them over so she “put up walls.”  Julia says that she just wants to trust her.  Courtney says, “I really think I’ve told you everything.”  Yep, “putting up walls” pretty much covers it.
Courtney tells Barbara how funny Ben is.  Really?  Really?  When?  I’ve never seen him be funny and I’ve never seen them laugh together.  In fact, he may be the least funny Bachelor of all time.  Courtney even said, “Her cheeks hurt from laughing after spending time with him.”  Of all Courtney’s lies, this is easily the most offensive to me.

After Courtney leaves, Julia says to Ben, “My first impression is that I’m shocked.  I’m blown away.  She’s a really amazing girl.  I found her to be sweet.  I think she would fit in well with the family.”  Barbara says, “I found her to be a really kind person.”  Both Julia and Barbara say there is a “depth” to Courtney.  I missed the first part of the conversation so I assume they were talking about her vagina.
Ben acknowledges that proposing to Courtney would come with “some hurdles.”  He doesn’t mention that the chief hurdle is that she’s going to want to do The Bachelor Pad as soon as “After the Final Rose” concludes.

Lindzi’s Date
Another date?  C’mon.  Why do we have to sit through this?  They go skiing.  They get their gear and they have a little picnic in the private gondola on the ride up to the Matterhorn.  The gondola stops and Lindzi knows it’s time to really open up to Ben.  She talks for about twenty minutes and eventually says she wants to keep giving him everything.  That’s your closer?  You know you are up against the best player in the history of The Bachelor and you close with “I want to keep giving you everything?”  See you on The Bachelor Pad.

Ben knocks on the door with the standard knock, knock, knock-knock-knock.  Knock.  Knock.  I stand corrected, he is hilarious.  Ben immediately makes the fatal mistake of letting her talk.  She rambles for about two hours and eventually tells him that she’s ready for marriage.  Ben’s only ready for marriage with her if their vows include “you have a right to remain silent.”

Courtney’s Date
Courtney can’t resist taking one final shot at Lindzi before her date.  She says, “Ben has depth.  I haven’t seen that in Lindzi.”  Exquisite.  More than any other moment, this one captures Courtney perfectly.  
Helicopter shows up to whisk them off on a flight above the top of the Matterhorn.  They’ve abused Helicopter so much this season that I can’t even get excited about it anymore.  They have a picnic by a lake in the side of a mountain.  Ben tells her that his mom and sister gave her the stamp of approval.  Then they go sledding.

Courtney has a gift waiting for him.  It’s got to be lingerie, right?  No.  It’s a photo album of pictures from their time together on the show.  She said that she’s been working on it “for a while.”  She really means that she had the producers put it together for her.  She reads the card to him.  It’s so long-winded that she must have had Lindzi write it.  It’s all about kids and family and I love yous.  It’s a perfect moment to end the night on so, of course, she can’t leave it alone.  Instead, she tells him it “makes her sad” that he told his mom and sister about the problems she’s had with the girls.  

Filling Time
Ben walks the town.  We get a boring voice over about the pros and cons of each girl.  Followed by boring voice overs from the girls as they stare out their respective windows at the city.  Ben picks out a ring.  Ten minutes of screen time completely covered in four sentences.  

Did you know that everything is Switzerland is either a clock or chocolate?  Switzerland: timely and delicious.

The Final Rose
Ben says, “Today I have to say goodbye to a woman I’m in love with.”  This is assuming she shuts up long enough for him to say goodbye.

Lindzi’s dress is covered in navy feathers.  She looks like Big Bird fell in an ink well.  When she meets Ben, she immediately launches into a long monologue about how she’s so excited to be there.  When she takes a breath, Ben tells her that he’s in love with someone else.  She doesn’t say anything.  Easily the most shocking moment of the entire season.  Before Ben says goodbye she says, “If things don’t work out, call me.”  High class move, Big Bird.

In Helicopter she says, “If he does want to marry Courtney, I would be shocked.  He’d look like a total fool.”  

As Courtney is flying in she says, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people.”  Indeed.

Ben gives a long rambling speech about the journey and says, “I want you to know that you’re an incredible woman, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t get down on one knee again unless it was forever.  You are my forever.”  No matter how hard you try, proposals will never not sound cheesy.  He gets down on one knee and proposes as creepy horror movie music plays in the background.  She says yes.  Then he gives her the final rose.

After the Final Rose
Chris Harrison leads with, “Just a few moments ago, Ben did what America hoped he wouldn’t do.”  Chris Harrison, you do not speak for America.  I, for one, got exactly what I wanted.

Chris asks Ben, “Do you love the woman you saw on TV?”  Ben says, “I didn’t see that woman.  That’s why it’s so hard for me.”  Ben explains that the warnings from the women were too vague to be useful to him.  Apparently he wanted specific examples from those women he told to stop talking trash about Courtney.

When Ben says they “were essentially broken up,” the audience gasps.  Really, audience?  Are you really surprised?  If so, you’re just as dumb as this show thinks you are.  Courtney and Ben didn’t talk for several weeks while Ben stewed about how badly Courtney treated the women.  

Chris mentions that there a photos of Ben with another woman and that those photos don’t look like like he’s just being friendly.  Ben replies, “On my father’s grave I haven’t kissed another woman.  I haven’t cheated on Courtney.  I’m not kissing those women in those photos.  I’m not kissing those women.”  I haven’t seen the photos but I suddenly believe that he definitely cheated on Courtney.

Courtney comes out to a mix of cheers and boos.  Chris asks her how it feels to be booed.  She says, “It’s disappointing.  It’s heartbreaking, really.  It’s supposed to be a story about love but it got spoiled.”  By whom, exactly?

Chris asks her how responsible she feels for this. She says, “I definitely feel responsible.  I’ve got a little sass in me.  It brought out the worst in me.”

Chris talks about the breakup and asks her if she felt like Ben was supportive.  She says, “He was at first but he abandoned me.  There’s definitely some trust that’s been lost.  It’s disappointing.”

When Chris asks if they are a couple, Courtney says, “Yes.  We’re a couple.  I think.”

Ben comes out to join Courtney.  Ben insists that he and Courtney are in a good place and that they are engaged.  He doesn’t give a reason why they split up.  Ben then apologizes to Courtney for not standing by her during the show.

Chris pulls out a ring and asks Ben what he wants to do with it.  Ben takes it and gives it to Courtney.  Happy endings for everyone.  I can’t wait to be invited to their wedding.

For some reason, Chris brings out Ashley and JP.  Wow.  I forgot how annoying Ashley was.  Why do we care what they think about Ben and Courtney?  We don’t, which is why I’m going to bed.

Thank you, Mindsilt Readers, for accepting my prose.

Friday, March 09, 2012

The Friday Roundup

Instead of thinking I’m weird (which I am) my baby thinks I’m awesome.  New idea: I’ll be a stand up comic for babies under the age of one.  I’d kill.  Also, here’s the Friday Roundup.

This Week in Mindsilt
I wrote random things about random things in a random way

It was the Women Tell All episode of The Bachelor

Peyton Manning has left the Colts.  I gave you my thoughts

Tweet of the Week

Video of the Week
Fresh Guacamole

Thursday, March 08, 2012

On Peyton Manning

Between 1984 (when the Colts moved to Indianapolis) and 1997 the Colts averaged 6.2 wins per season.  Peyton Manning arrived in 1998 and won only three games in his first season.  Since that point the Colts have averaged 11.5 wins per season with Peyton as their quarterback.  People forget that it really, really sucked to be a Colts fan before Peyton Manning.  Especially Drew Magary

I’ve constantly lived in fear of this moment.  Peyton Manning’s departure means that the Colts go back to the Colts of my childhood.  We saw it this past season and we’ll see it in the upcoming season.  

I’m not pissed at Peyton and I’m not pissed at Jim Irsay (the Colts owner).  Manning’s injury put the Colts in a unique situation.  The Colts weren’t going to win a Super Bowl in the next couple years with a healthy Manning.  Not with that defense.  They might as well take the chance on the next “can’t miss” prospect and start rebuilding right now.  

With a healthy Peyton Manning and the current roster the Colts are a good to mediocre football team that will stay that way because Indy isn’t a big player in free agency and they’ll never get a high draft pick because Manning is a guaranteed six to eight wins a season.  They’d be stuck in NFL hell.

I’ve seen a lot of articles telling/begging Peyton to retire.  Those articles are bullshit.  If you don’t want to remember Peyton Manning fading away at the end of his career then make the fucking choice to not remember him that way.  I’ll remember him as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.  Plus, if I loved project management as much as Peyton loves playing quarterback you bet your ass I’d do it for as long as I was physically possible.  How many people get to spend their life doing the one thing they truly love?  Who are we to take that away from him?  Fuck those guys.  I hope Manning plays and is successful for as long as he wants.

I’m a Colts fan.  I was a Colts fan before Peyton Manning and I’ll be a Colts fan after Peyton Manning.  However, I’ll root for Petyon to win wherever he goes so long as he isn’t playing against the Colts.  

If I’m Peyton I’m telling my agent to talk to San Francisco, Houston, the Jets and Kansas City before he talks to anyone else.  Those teams give him the best chance of winning a championship — if he’s healthy.

The 49ers are stupid if they are not considering signing Peyton.  If he can play to even 80% of his former abilities that team wins two Super Bowls with him at quarterback.

I’m not convinced he’s healthy.  He didn’t look comfortable walking up those stairs to the stage at the press conference.  He didn’t move his neck much during the press conference and turned his whole body to avoid moving his neck.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed this.

As stupid as this sounds, I got a little choked up when I saw Peyton getting choked up at the press conference.  He’s meant more to Indianapolis and Indiana than any other athlete ever has.  I’m sad to see him go but I’m thankful for the time I got to root him on.

Thank you and good luck, Peyton Manning.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

The Bachelor Episode #10 - A Review

It’s The Women Tell All.  Of course, that means that the women will tell some.  They’re even bringing Courtney back.  How boring would this be if she didn’t come back?

Before they do that, they’re introducing us to all the characters who will be on the next Bachelor Pad.  Even Ali has broken up with Ricardo — or whatever his name was.  Wait, they’re not doing that.  They’re just doing some kind of Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion.  Or maybe they are introducing them.  I don’t know.  It seems like there are going to be a lot of recurring characters.  Who cares?  I certainly won’t until that show airs.  Then I will love-hate every second of it.

Chatting with the Girls
When they show all of the girls back to back to back, you realize why Ben has kept Courtney around for so long.  There are some pretty rough ladies in this group.  

They kick it off with clips of Blakeley which has the requisite trash talking voice over by the other girls.  It gradually turns into a montage of the most embarrassing moments for all of the girls and the appropriate trash talk.  That’s a clip package that could last forever.

Chris “The Blakeley Situation” right away.  She speaks for about three seconds before all of the girls try to interrupt her.  Eventually Samantha goes off on a rant that makes zero sense.  She’s clearly had this stored up and ready to go since she left the show.  They move on, but every time any other girl tells a story, Samantha tries to tie it back to how Blakeley is a bitch.  The crowd boos Samantha and Brittney calls her a Chihuahua “who won’t stop talking.”  The crowd goes wild.

Chantal in the Hot Seat
Chantal (Chantel?) shows up to sit in the “hot seat.”  I didn’t see the episode she was on.  Apparently, she showed up at one of the cocktail parties.  The girls freaked out.  Ben immediately sent her home.  I’m so glad I didn’t see this stupid stunt when it aired.  It reeks of desperation by the producers.  Chris talks to her briefly about how badly she was treated by the other girls.  Elyse apologizes but most of the girls say that she handled it the wrong way when she arrived.  So these women are perfectly okay with their “boyfriend” dating 20 other women so long as they all show up at the same time?

Emily in the Hot Seat
We see her clip package because they don’t think we are capable of remembering things.  First we see the good times, then all the mistakes she made by talking trash about Courtney to Ben.  She admits that she knows that she made a mistake but she says she wouldn’t want to end up with someone who would fall for Courtney’s tricks.  She knew Ben wasn’t the man for her because of two things:  The skinny dipping because “he’s just thinking about sex,” and when he told her that she doesn’t know him as well as she thinks she does.  Her match wouldn’t have said that to her.  Yes, because everyone’s true match is always kind all the time and tells you exactly what you want to hear.

Nicki in the Hot Seat
Chris gives us a recap of her time on the show so we don’t have to see a clip package.  Nope.  They’re going to show us the clip package anyway.  Happy days, then broken heart, yada, yada.  She tells us that she was shocked when she didn’t get a rose.  Chris asks her if she has questions.  She says she’d never ask him what she did wrong because she was herself.  Good answer.  She says she’s happy and Chris spares her from the wrath of the women.  In case Nicki does wonder why she went home, this segment is why.  Completely boring.

Kacie B in the Hot Seat
Chris says to her, “We quickly fell in love with you.”  No we didn’t.  Another clip package.  Ugh, we watched the damn show, otherwise we wouldn’t be watching this bullshit.  Chris asks her if she was afraid of love.  She gives some bullshit answer that doesn’t mean anything.  She talks about being blindsided at the rose ceremony.  You know, all sorts of stuff that we already know.  Why didn’t Chris ask her if she lives under a bridge?

Courtney in the Hot Seat
This is the only clip package that serves a purpose — it throws fuel on the fire and gets everyone primed.  It ends with Kacie B pretending to squash her like a bug.  When it returns to the show, the girls are all high-fiving Kacie.  Nicki calls Courtney out for saying that she “tried so hard” with the girls when she didn’t.  The girls go off and they all basically say the same thing: She’s awful.  When Chris asks them if they would accept her apology, Nicki says that she’ll accept it if she seems sincere.  

Chris brings Courtney out in order to “hear her side of the story.”  When Chris asks her why she seems scared, she points to the girls and says, “This.”  When the girls are unleashed on Courtney, she is contrite because she knows she needs to be.  When asked about Emily’s apology, she says she should have handled it differently.  Nicki asks her what made her change her mind in Switzerland.  She said that she had a few days alone to think.  She fails to mention that it was part of her master plan.  

Jennifer says, “We were six days in and you didn’t even know my name.  I think that says a lot about who you are.”  Lady, no one knew your name.

Courtney tries to explain everything by saying she was “extremely uncomfortable.”  Emily points out that everyone was uncomfortable but they made friends, acted like human beings and tried to give each other support in order to get through it.  This is when Courtney breaks down.

Can we just declare her the greatest Bachelor contestant ever?  I don’t think anyone else is even close.  

Courtney says, “I wish they had a chance to get to know me better and get to know my story.”  Like when you all lived together in a huge mansion and travelled the world?  She apologizes to all the women.  

Emily asks Courtney if she’s asking them to “forgive and forget” like Courtney refused to do for her.  She’s been waiting for that moment since the show started.  The girls continue to berate her and she breaks down again.  As she cries she says, “I’m sorry for hurting Ben.  I cared for him.  I still do.”  Past tense?  Does this mean Ben doesn’t choose anyone next week?  Chris finally calls it quits because America got what they wanted.  Courtney crying on national television.  He should have ended this much earlier.

The reason people hate Courtney is because she shattered the illusion of this show.  She didn’t just go along with the charade that two people could actually find lasting love on this show.  That pissed people off.  They don’t want to be reminded that this is all bullshit.  They want to think that they are watching a love story.  When someone reminds them that this is a sham they get pissed.  Good work, Courtney.

Ben in the Hot Seat
For some reason, they’ve decided to give Jennifer screen time.  She asks, “What did I not have that Blakeley did?”  Let’s see, Blakeley was actually interesting.  Also, fake boobs.

Emily didn’t feel like she got closure even though she sees that Ben is not the guy for her.  Why does she need closure?  Also, isn’t that closure?

Nicki says, “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever met.”  Really?  Even if he picks Courtney?  I want to talk to her again in two weeks.

Chris asks Ben if he wished he had handled any of the goodbyes differently.  He apologizes to Casey S for not being more of a gentleman.  He should be apologizing for his hair.

Jamie tells Ben that if things don’t work out with who he picked she will be there for him.  She thinks he might actually want another awkward make out session?  So crazy.

Cut to the blooper reel.

The show wraps up with the standard clips of Ben looking thoughtfully out at some impossibly beautiful landscape while he waxes philosophical about each of the remaining girls.  Chris Harrison cuts in with a voice over: “Next week, tune in to the most controversial conclusion to The Bachelor EVER!”  Whatever.  It’ll only be controversial if Ben murders the girl he doesn’t pick.  We already expect it to be the dumbest thing ever.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Random Randomness

I forgot how hard it is to get your nose to stop bleeding once it starts.  No, I didn’t used to do a lot of coke.  I just got hit in the face a lot as a kid.

There’s nothing that relaxes me more on a Sunday night before work than watching a bunch of inept celebrities try to pretend to do my job on The Celebrity Apprentice.  I certainly don’t yell at the TV telling them what they’re doing wrong.  Nope.  Not doing that at all.

I thought I had seen a lot of weird things on the Red Line in Chicago but on Friday I saw a woman get on the train with a bowl of cereal — with milk and everything.

Because I’m a performer, the Training Department at my office has decided that I get to be the voice of online training programs, videos and our on hold message for the Help Desk.  When you’re already frustrated by an issue you’re having with your computer, the last thing you want to hear is you telling yourself to hold for the next available Help Desk representative.  I never realized what a dick I was until I heard myself reciting that message.

It’s good if you can explain why we add a day to February every four years, but I’ll be really impressed if you can also explain why 1800 and 1900 were not leap years but 2000 was a leap year.  If you want the answer, click here

Remember when your arms only reached to the very top of your head?  Of course you don’t.  You were just a tiny baby, dummy.

Friday, March 02, 2012

The Friday Roundup

Remember that other focus sock you left by your chair last week?  Yeah, put that on.  No need for your focus pants, though.  It’s not that heavy this week.

This Week in Mindsilt
I declared the weekend Saladfest 2012

It was time for some sexual intercourse on The Bachelor

For the jackasses in my gym, I provided a user guide for towels

Tweet of the Week

Video of the Week
Mitt Romney gives a really weird victory speech after his wins in Michigan and Arizona.


Thursday, March 01, 2012

Towels: A User Guide

Look, I know that most of you don’t need a user guide for towels.  However, there is a large group of men in my gym who apparently do need a user guide for towels.  What do I mean?  Well, there are several men in my gym who think that a towel is something you simply wrap around your waist after taking a shower.  It seems they’ve never been told that towels are made to absorb excess water, or they’ve never noticed that towels are really good at that.  Instead, they get out of the shower, wrap the towel around their waist and traipse across the locker room leaving a trail of water behind them for people to slip and fall in.  

Strangely, these are not older gentlemen.  They are men my age or younger.  I would understand if it was older men.  Towels may not have been invented when they were in their formative years.  Towels could simply be a new technology to older men.  As we all know, new technology can be confusing to older people.  Plus, by the time you reach 40 you start to lose your marbles so you might have just forgotten how to use a towel.

I’m not talking about older men.  These are younger men who seem to think that towels are temporary skirts.  They don’t seem to be catching on to how the rest of us use towels, so I guess it’s my duty to educate the younger generation (yep, that just made me a very old man) on how to use a freaking towel.

How to use a towel:
1) Turn off the shower.
2) Grab the towel.
3) Rub the towel on your body to absorb the excess water on your skin.
4) You can even rub it on your head to dry your hair.
5) Wrap towel around your waist and exit the shower.

That’s it.  Real easy.  Now stop dripping all over my damn locker room, assholes.