It’s The Women Tell All. Of course, that means that the women will tell some. They’re even bringing Courtney back. How boring would this be if she didn’t come back?
Before they do that, they’re introducing us to all the characters who will be on the next Bachelor Pad. Even Ali has broken up with Ricardo — or whatever his name was. Wait, they’re not doing that. They’re just doing some kind of Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion. Or maybe they are introducing them. I don’t know. It seems like there are going to be a lot of recurring characters. Who cares? I certainly won’t until that show airs. Then I will love-hate every second of it.
Chatting with the Girls
When they show all of the girls back to back to back, you realize why Ben has kept Courtney around for so long. There are some pretty rough ladies in this group.
They kick it off with clips of Blakeley which has the requisite trash talking voice over by the other girls. It gradually turns into a montage of the most embarrassing moments for all of the girls and the appropriate trash talk. That’s a clip package that could last forever.
Chris “The Blakeley Situation” right away. She speaks for about three seconds before all of the girls try to interrupt her. Eventually Samantha goes off on a rant that makes zero sense. She’s clearly had this stored up and ready to go since she left the show. They move on, but every time any other girl tells a story, Samantha tries to tie it back to how Blakeley is a bitch. The crowd boos Samantha and Brittney calls her a Chihuahua “who won’t stop talking.” The crowd goes wild.
Chantal in the Hot Seat
Chantal (Chantel?) shows up to sit in the “hot seat.” I didn’t see the episode she was on. Apparently, she showed up at one of the cocktail parties. The girls freaked out. Ben immediately sent her home. I’m so glad I didn’t see this stupid stunt when it aired. It reeks of desperation by the producers. Chris talks to her briefly about how badly she was treated by the other girls. Elyse apologizes but most of the girls say that she handled it the wrong way when she arrived. So these women are perfectly okay with their “boyfriend” dating 20 other women so long as they all show up at the same time?
Emily in the Hot Seat
We see her clip package because they don’t think we are capable of remembering things. First we see the good times, then all the mistakes she made by talking trash about Courtney to Ben. She admits that she knows that she made a mistake but she says she wouldn’t want to end up with someone who would fall for Courtney’s tricks. She knew Ben wasn’t the man for her because of two things: The skinny dipping because “he’s just thinking about sex,” and when he told her that she doesn’t know him as well as she thinks she does. Her match wouldn’t have said that to her. Yes, because everyone’s true match is always kind all the time and tells you exactly what you want to hear.
Nicki in the Hot Seat
Chris gives us a recap of her time on the show so we don’t have to see a clip package. Nope. They’re going to show us the clip package anyway. Happy days, then broken heart, yada, yada. She tells us that she was shocked when she didn’t get a rose. Chris asks her if she has questions. She says she’d never ask him what she did wrong because she was herself. Good answer. She says she’s happy and Chris spares her from the wrath of the women. In case Nicki does wonder why she went home, this segment is why. Completely boring.
Kacie B in the Hot Seat
Chris says to her, “We quickly fell in love with you.” No we didn’t. Another clip package. Ugh, we watched the damn show, otherwise we wouldn’t be watching this bullshit. Chris asks her if she was afraid of love. She gives some bullshit answer that doesn’t mean anything. She talks about being blindsided at the rose ceremony. You know, all sorts of stuff that we already know. Why didn’t Chris ask her if she lives under a bridge?
Courtney in the Hot Seat
This is the only clip package that serves a purpose — it throws fuel on the fire and gets everyone primed. It ends with Kacie B pretending to squash her like a bug. When it returns to the show, the girls are all high-fiving Kacie. Nicki calls Courtney out for saying that she “tried so hard” with the girls when she didn’t. The girls go off and they all basically say the same thing: She’s awful. When Chris asks them if they would accept her apology, Nicki says that she’ll accept it if she seems sincere.
Chris brings Courtney out in order to “hear her side of the story.” When Chris asks her why she seems scared, she points to the girls and says, “This.” When the girls are unleashed on Courtney, she is contrite because she knows she needs to be. When asked about Emily’s apology, she says she should have handled it differently. Nicki asks her what made her change her mind in Switzerland. She said that she had a few days alone to think. She fails to mention that it was part of her master plan.
Jennifer says, “We were six days in and you didn’t even know my name. I think that says a lot about who you are.” Lady, no one knew your name.
Courtney tries to explain everything by saying she was “extremely uncomfortable.” Emily points out that everyone was uncomfortable but they made friends, acted like human beings and tried to give each other support in order to get through it. This is when Courtney breaks down.
Can we just declare her the greatest Bachelor contestant ever? I don’t think anyone else is even close.
Courtney says, “I wish they had a chance to get to know me better and get to know my story.” Like when you all lived together in a huge mansion and travelled the world? She apologizes to all the women.
Emily asks Courtney if she’s asking them to “forgive and forget” like Courtney refused to do for her. She’s been waiting for that moment since the show started. The girls continue to berate her and she breaks down again. As she cries she says, “I’m sorry for hurting Ben. I cared for him. I still do.” Past tense? Does this mean Ben doesn’t choose anyone next week? Chris finally calls it quits because America got what they wanted. Courtney crying on national television. He should have ended this much earlier.
The reason people hate Courtney is because she shattered the illusion of this show. She didn’t just go along with the charade that two people could actually find lasting love on this show. That pissed people off. They don’t want to be reminded that this is all bullshit. They want to think that they are watching a love story. When someone reminds them that this is a sham they get pissed. Good work, Courtney.
Ben in the Hot Seat
For some reason, they’ve decided to give Jennifer screen time. She asks, “What did I not have that Blakeley did?” Let’s see, Blakeley was actually interesting. Also, fake boobs.
Emily didn’t feel like she got closure even though she sees that Ben is not the guy for her. Why does she need closure? Also, isn’t that closure?
Nicki says, “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever met.” Really? Even if he picks Courtney? I want to talk to her again in two weeks.
Chris asks Ben if he wished he had handled any of the goodbyes differently. He apologizes to Casey S for not being more of a gentleman. He should be apologizing for his hair.
Jamie tells Ben that if things don’t work out with who he picked she will be there for him. She thinks he might actually want another awkward make out session? So crazy.
Cut to the blooper reel.
The show wraps up with the standard clips of Ben looking thoughtfully out at some impossibly beautiful landscape while he waxes philosophical about each of the remaining girls. Chris Harrison cuts in with a voice over: “Next week, tune in to the most controversial conclusion to The Bachelor EVER!” Whatever. It’ll only be controversial if Ben murders the girl he doesn’t pick. We already expect it to be the dumbest thing ever.