Tonight it all ends. At least until all three of them show up on The Bachelor Pad this summer. Of course, Chris Harrison reminds us that this is the “most controversial finale of The Bachelor.” It may be the most controversial but the final episode of this show is always the least interesting. It’s all about one decision that takes up about 30 seconds of screen time so they have to fill the rest of the time with boring philosophizing about what might happen. No one cares what might happen. We want to know what did happen.
Ben’s mom (Barbara) and sister (Julia) are in Switzerland to help Ben with his decision. He wants them to ask Lindzi and Courtney for details of why they love him. You know, because they haven’t been gushing over him enough. His sister immediately asks if there was a girl who didn’t get along with the other girls. Ben replies, “You’ll meet her tomorrow.”
Lindzi Meets the Family
Lindzi sits down on the couch with Ben and his family and has an awkward conversation. She then spends lunch dropping her fork repeatedly and says, “I get nervous when I have to eat all fancy.” Does she usually eat with her hands? Since when is silverware fancy?
Barbara asks what the “secret ingredient” is that attracts her to Ben. Lindzi says it’s that he’s easy to talk to. Seriously? Is there anyone Lindzi has a hard time talking to? She never shuts up. Julia asks Lindzi about Courtney. Lindzi tries to be as nice as possible. She says, “Courtney is different.” I guess that’s enough to win Julia over.
Ben sits down with his mom and sister after the date and they all agree that Lindzi is “special.”
Courtney Meets the Family
Before the date, Julia lists off the red flags she already sees with Courtney. One, she’s a model. Two, she’s the girl that everyone hated.
Ben meets Courtney outside and they both talk about how they are nervous. Ben is nervous because he knows his family is going to hate her. Courtney is nervous because she knows she’s supposed to say that. When Courtney meets Barbara and Julia, she leads with, “I think some of the girls were a little judgy of me.” She then tells a story about how hard she tried with the other girls. It seems pretty clear they aren’t buying it.
Julia asks about the friction in the house. Courtney says that she tried hard to make friends with the girls but she just couldn’t win them over so she “put up walls.” Julia says that she just wants to trust her. Courtney says, “I really think I’ve told you everything.” Yep, “putting up walls” pretty much covers it.
Courtney tells Barbara how funny Ben is. Really? Really? When? I’ve never seen him be funny and I’ve never seen them laugh together. In fact, he may be the least funny Bachelor of all time. Courtney even said, “Her cheeks hurt from laughing after spending time with him.” Of all Courtney’s lies, this is easily the most offensive to me.
After Courtney leaves, Julia says to Ben, “My first impression is that I’m shocked. I’m blown away. She’s a really amazing girl. I found her to be sweet. I think she would fit in well with the family.” Barbara says, “I found her to be a really kind person.” Both Julia and Barbara say there is a “depth” to Courtney. I missed the first part of the conversation so I assume they were talking about her vagina.
Ben acknowledges that proposing to Courtney would come with “some hurdles.” He doesn’t mention that the chief hurdle is that she’s going to want to do The Bachelor Pad as soon as “After the Final Rose” concludes.
Another date? C’mon. Why do we have to sit through this? They go skiing. They get their gear and they have a little picnic in the private gondola on the ride up to the Matterhorn. The gondola stops and Lindzi knows it’s time to really open up to Ben. She talks for about twenty minutes and eventually says she wants to keep giving him everything. That’s your closer? You know you are up against the best player in the history of The Bachelor and you close with “I want to keep giving you everything?” See you on The Bachelor Pad.
Ben knocks on the door with the standard knock, knock, knock-knock-knock. Knock. Knock. I stand corrected, he is hilarious. Ben immediately makes the fatal mistake of letting her talk. She rambles for about two hours and eventually tells him that she’s ready for marriage. Ben’s only ready for marriage with her if their vows include “you have a right to remain silent.”
Courtney can’t resist taking one final shot at Lindzi before her date. She says, “Ben has depth. I haven’t seen that in Lindzi.” Exquisite. More than any other moment, this one captures Courtney perfectly.
Helicopter shows up to whisk them off on a flight above the top of the Matterhorn. They’ve abused Helicopter so much this season that I can’t even get excited about it anymore. They have a picnic by a lake in the side of a mountain. Ben tells her that his mom and sister gave her the stamp of approval. Then they go sledding.
Courtney has a gift waiting for him. It’s got to be lingerie, right? No. It’s a photo album of pictures from their time together on the show. She said that she’s been working on it “for a while.” She really means that she had the producers put it together for her. She reads the card to him. It’s so long-winded that she must have had Lindzi write it. It’s all about kids and family and I love yous. It’s a perfect moment to end the night on so, of course, she can’t leave it alone. Instead, she tells him it “makes her sad” that he told his mom and sister about the problems she’s had with the girls.
Ben walks the town. We get a boring voice over about the pros and cons of each girl. Followed by boring voice overs from the girls as they stare out their respective windows at the city. Ben picks out a ring. Ten minutes of screen time completely covered in four sentences.
Did you know that everything is Switzerland is either a clock or chocolate? Switzerland: timely and delicious.
The Final Rose
Ben says, “Today I have to say goodbye to a woman I’m in love with.” This is assuming she shuts up long enough for him to say goodbye.
Lindzi’s dress is covered in navy feathers. She looks like Big Bird fell in an ink well. When she meets Ben, she immediately launches into a long monologue about how she’s so excited to be there. When she takes a breath, Ben tells her that he’s in love with someone else. She doesn’t say anything. Easily the most shocking moment of the entire season. Before Ben says goodbye she says, “If things don’t work out, call me.” High class move, Big Bird.
In Helicopter she says, “If he does want to marry Courtney, I would be shocked. He’d look like a total fool.”
As Courtney is flying in she says, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people.” Indeed.
Ben gives a long rambling speech about the journey and says, “I want you to know that you’re an incredible woman, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t get down on one knee again unless it was forever. You are my forever.” No matter how hard you try, proposals will never not sound cheesy. He gets down on one knee and proposes as creepy horror movie music plays in the background. She says yes. Then he gives her the final rose.
After the Final Rose
Chris Harrison leads with, “Just a few moments ago, Ben did what America hoped he wouldn’t do.” Chris Harrison, you do not speak for America. I, for one, got exactly what I wanted.
Chris asks Ben, “Do you love the woman you saw on TV?” Ben says, “I didn’t see that woman. That’s why it’s so hard for me.” Ben explains that the warnings from the women were too vague to be useful to him. Apparently he wanted specific examples from those women he told to stop talking trash about Courtney.
When Ben says they “were essentially broken up,” the audience gasps. Really, audience? Are you really surprised? If so, you’re just as dumb as this show thinks you are. Courtney and Ben didn’t talk for several weeks while Ben stewed about how badly Courtney treated the women.
Chris mentions that there a photos of Ben with another woman and that those photos don’t look like like he’s just being friendly. Ben replies, “On my father’s grave I haven’t kissed another woman. I haven’t cheated on Courtney. I’m not kissing those women in those photos. I’m not kissing those women.” I haven’t seen the photos but I suddenly believe that he definitely cheated on Courtney.
Courtney comes out to a mix of cheers and boos. Chris asks her how it feels to be booed. She says, “It’s disappointing. It’s heartbreaking, really. It’s supposed to be a story about love but it got spoiled.” By whom, exactly?
Chris asks her how responsible she feels for this. She says, “I definitely feel responsible. I’ve got a little sass in me. It brought out the worst in me.”
Chris talks about the breakup and asks her if she felt like Ben was supportive. She says, “He was at first but he abandoned me. There’s definitely some trust that’s been lost. It’s disappointing.”
When Chris asks if they are a couple, Courtney says, “Yes. We’re a couple. I think.”
Ben comes out to join Courtney. Ben insists that he and Courtney are in a good place and that they are engaged. He doesn’t give a reason why they split up. Ben then apologizes to Courtney for not standing by her during the show.
Chris pulls out a ring and asks Ben what he wants to do with it. Ben takes it and gives it to Courtney. Happy endings for everyone. I can’t wait to be invited to their wedding.
For some reason, Chris brings out Ashley and JP. Wow. I forgot how annoying Ashley was. Why do we care what they think about Ben and Courtney? We don’t, which is why I’m going to bed.
Thank you, Mindsilt Readers, for accepting my prose.