I forgot how hard it is to get your nose to stop bleeding once it starts. No, I didn’t used to do a lot of coke. I just got hit in the face a lot as a kid.
There’s nothing that relaxes me more on a Sunday night before work than watching a bunch of inept celebrities try to pretend to do my job on The Celebrity Apprentice. I certainly don’t yell at the TV telling them what they’re doing wrong. Nope. Not doing that at all.
I thought I had seen a lot of weird things on the Red Line in Chicago but on Friday I saw a woman get on the train with a bowl of cereal — with milk and everything.
Because I’m a performer, the Training Department at my office has decided that I get to be the voice of online training programs, videos and our on hold message for the Help Desk. When you’re already frustrated by an issue you’re having with your computer, the last thing you want to hear is you telling yourself to hold for the next available Help Desk representative. I never realized what a dick I was until I heard myself reciting that message.
It’s good if you can explain why we add a day to February every four years, but I’ll be really impressed if you can also explain why 1800 and 1900 were not leap years but 2000 was a leap year. If you want the answer, click here.
Remember when your arms only reached to the very top of your head? Of course you don’t. You were just a tiny baby, dummy.