Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Guilt Trip

@OfficialCANCER: Unfortunately, 97% of twitter users will not RT this for support cancer. But the 3% who do are the ones willing to #makeachange
One of my friends retweeted this today.  I have a few thoughts:

1) 97% (if not more) of twitter users will not retweet most tweets, so your tweet isn't special.

2) How exactly does retweeting that help make a change?  Is someone donating money for each retweet?  If so, you should say that.  If not, what's the point?  It's not like people don't already know about cancer so you're not "raising awareness."  You're just laying down a guilt trip to try to get retweets and boost your profile.

3) What the hell does "for support cancer" mean?  Is that cancer of the athletic supporter?

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Week Off

Good readers of Mindsilt, I'm off work all this week.  What does that mean for you?  So far, it means that I'm going to post at least one more time than I did last week.  I can't promise I'll post more because I've got shit to do.  In fact, I'm doing shit right now by writing this post.  Maybe I'll do more shit like this.  Who knows?  I do intend to write but I can't promise it will be for Mindsilt.com.  What else am I doing on my week off, you ask?  Good question.

Today, I'm getting a massage because my shoulders and neck are a freaking mess.  Also, because massages are awesome.  Tomorrow, I'll be going to the dentist because my gums need a good massage, too.  Wednesday I'll be assisting a dance troupe with a comedic dance.  You know, because I'm a comedy expert and a fantastic dancer.  Also, my comedy chops need massaging.  Thursday, I'll be hoping that the carpenter will be coming to fix our bathroom wall.  I was massaging the wall and I pushed a little too hard.  Now we have a huge crater in the wall.  The wall knot is gone, though, so our bathroom is feeling much better.  Friday, I'll be plopping my ass back up on stage to host my favorite show, pHrenzy.  It's been a while, so it's good that I'm spending the week working out all the kinks.  You should come see the show.  Get your tickets here

How's that for a week off?

Friday, April 13, 2012

Friday Roundup

I want to scream.  Not in anger but simply because I want to make loud noises.  I like making loud noises but loud noises wake the baby.  We mustn’t wake the baby.  It is a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT to put a baby to sleep for the night.  Loud noises will undo all that hard work.  So I will be quiet.  For my baby.  And my wife.

Pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “mustn’t” on this blog.

Also, Friday Roundup!

This Week in Mindsilt
I was really tired, so I wrote


Tweet of the Week
Video of the Week
Caine’s Arcade.  Watch this awesome little kid build an entire arcade out of cardboard and the filmmaker who made this kid’s day and cry your fucking eyes out.


Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Believe...

…that once you have a daughter you have no choice but to become a feminist.

…that I won’t miss news channels being forced to take Rick Santorum seriously.

…that for someone who almost never uses writing utensils, I’m strangely obsessed with finding the perfect pen.

…that no matter how much I think I should be, I’ll never really be a music guy.

…that with a very few exceptions, doing any thing for sake of that thing is a complete waste of life.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Writing While Tired

Let's try an experiment (a blogsperiment?).  I'm going to write this while I'm super tired. My brain isn't working correctly. Because I'm super tired. I'm exhausted. Also, I'm tired. 

Something I worry about:
When Dee's parents come to watch Scarlett I worry that they'll see the baby food jar that I use for collecting grease and try to feed it to Scarlett. I know the grease looks nothing like squash and I know Dee's parents aren't dumb but I can clearly see Scarlett munching on tiny spoonfuls of grease. It would be both adorable and disgusting.  Disdorable?  Adsgusting?

You know what's dumb?  Cutting tomatoes. 

Think of something gross. Do it. Don't read the next line until you do. Got it?  Okay, read on. 

I was thinking of sweaty cock. I bet mine was grosser than yours. Unless you are Tristan, then you thought of something way grosser. 

What would happen if Tristan wrote me back on our other blog?  I bet I'd write back then we'd all laugh and wait for six months for Tristan to respond. It's more special when she makes us wait.

I made a big decision today. 

You don't fully understand excess until you've watched Dee fill a taco shell. 

Guys, I really don't want to take the dog out. Can you do it for me?

Guys, don't tell Dee but I totally put Jalepeno Tabasco in the taco meat. Wait, Dee is going to read this because she has it sent to her email. Poop. Secret's out. Also, if you want to have these posts sent directly to your email like a special little electronic gift, put your email address into that tiny little box on the right. 

Guys, I'm totally starting another sentence with "Guys."  Why?  Because I'm tired and when I'm tired my brain thinks it's talking to a small, friendly and attentive group of people. 

Instead of "talking to" I should have written "writing for."

You have absolutely no idea what time it is right now.  I mean, you totally know what time it is at the moment you are reading this but you don’t have any idea what time it was when I wrote this (which, for me, is right now).  It could be super late or it could be much earlier than you think or it could be the exact time you are thinking of.  Those aren’t the only possibilities.  There are endless possibilities.  Possibilities cannot be contained.

Are you still thinking about that gross thing I asked you to think of?  I know you are. Put it in the comments.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

I Believe...

…that it’s completely fucked up that we allow politicians to get away with saying bigoted things because it’s part of their “belief system” or “political platform” but if an athlete or celebrity says such things they spend the next three months apologizing.

…that no matter how well a company pays its employees, they will always turn into crazed hyenas when free food is made available in the break room.

…that scheduling a day off to do absolutely nothing is essential to maintaining one’s sanity.

…that if you excuse someone’s bad behavior because it’s “just Stan being Stan” you are actually encouraging that person to continue being an asshole.

…that the worst time of the year for a sports fan is the stretch between the end of the NCAA Tournament and the beginning of the NBA Playoffs.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

This is Your Brain on HGTV

Do you know what happens to your brain when HGTV is playing non-stop in your home?  Do you know?  You go crazy.  You begin to hate humanity.  When everyone is a whiny little asshole who says things like “curb appeal” and “on-suite bath” and determines that non-granite countertops in the guest bathroom is a deal breaker, you start to hate people.  When everyone always expects to get their entire wish list for less than $200,000 and they don’t have enough imagination to see how this old, run-down but structurally sound home could become their dream house with some renovations from a talented designer that has done exactly that for 100+ episodes, you start to think everyone else is stupid.  It doesn’t help that when HGTV isn’t on, you have to listen to Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg call the NCAA tournament games and if I have to watch that old man with an eyepatch get his other eye shot out with a champagne cork one more time, I’m going to dig out my own eyeballs with a sharpened spoon…

…maybe Charles Barkley can save me.

Or maybe I need a vacation.