Do you know what happens to your brain when HGTV is playing non-stop in your home? Do you know? You go crazy. You begin to hate humanity. When everyone is a whiny little asshole who says things like “curb appeal” and “on-suite bath” and determines that non-granite countertops in the guest bathroom is a deal breaker, you start to hate people. When everyone always expects to get their entire wish list for less than $200,000 and they don’t have enough imagination to see how this old, run-down but structurally sound home could become their dream house with some renovations from a talented designer that has done exactly that for 100+ episodes, you start to think everyone else is stupid. It doesn’t help that when HGTV isn’t on, you have to listen to Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg call the NCAA tournament games and if I have to watch that old man with an eyepatch get his other eye shot out with a champagne cork one more time, I’m going to dig out my own eyeballs with a sharpened spoon…
…maybe Charles Barkley can save me.
Or maybe I need a vacation.