The show opens with a clip of a local news report about The Bachelorette being shot in Charlotte. You’d think the people that run the show don’t think anything interesting can happen outside of L.A.
Chris meets the guys in the courtyard to explain how the show works. In case one of these guys ended up on the show by accident. He leaves the first date card.
The card is for Ryan and it reads, “Be my king in the Queen City.” So they’re going to Cincinnati? When asked about receiving the card, Ryan says, “I wasn’t surprised, I don’t go into a ballgame expecting to lose.” To the guys he says, “My pastor always said, ‘If you treat a woman like a queen, she’ll treat you like a king.” Not true. Sometimes she’ll verbally abuse you.
Cut to shots of shirtless dudes hanging out by the pool. All we see are body parts. We don’t even know who these muscles belong to. Imagine the outrage if they ever did something similar with all the women on The Bachelor. Trust me, I’m paying attention. There are almost zero gratuitous bikini shots on The Bachelor.
First Date — Ryan
|Magical douche hair!|
In the evening, she shows up in a tiny dress and sports car to take Ryan to dinner. This is supposed to be sexy, but it’s not. I know that I’m supposed to find her attractive. She’s blonde, skinny and has big boobs. The components are there but she just doesn’t do it for me. It feels like she’s made out of Legos. It’s also important to mention that she has terrible fashion sense.
At dinner she asks him about his ex-girlfriend. He says he learned that he wants someone to make him chase her. Emily asks him what happens when he gets the girl he wants and the chase is over. He basically avoids the question by making bad jokes about sweating and by turning it around on her. Then he smiles and tries to handsome his way out of any further questioning. It works. Maybe his douchey hair has magical powers.
She gives him the rose because he makes her “feel comfortable.” That’s all? Some cushions are all it takes for this girl to give out a rose?
Emily leads him out of the restaurant and they are serenaded by some country band. Gloriana, I think? I don’t know, someone terrible. There is a crowd around them and everyone has their phones out taking pictures of them dancing on a raised stage. Creepy and weird.
Group Date — Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Stevie, Kalon, Aaron
The card reads, “Let’s set the stage for love.” The thirteen super sleuths figure out that they’ll all have to perform. Stevie, the rat-faced Party Emcee, is stoked.
When they arrive at the theater, Emily introduces them to Kermit and Miss Piggy. The Muppets inform them that they will be putting on a show for a charity. Five guys are chosen for a dance number, three guys will do stand-up and five will sing. Charlie is assigned stand-up and begins to freak out. He reveals to Emily that he has a speech issue from his accident and he doesn’t think that he can speak in front of a crowd. She switches him to the singing crew.
|In an abusive relationship.|
The curtain goes up to Emily awkwardly stand-dancing on some steps. Seriously, she’s bending one knee and bouncing her hip. That’s it. Miss Piggy actually dances with the guys and then it’s suddenly over.
Kyle and John each do one joke. Kyle’s joke is clearly stolen from a children’s book and John’s joke consists of calling Kyle unfunny. I’m sure Emily is impressed.
Miss Piggy hosts a dating game type show. Charlie, Jef and Aaron are called on stage. You know, because the producers couldn’t resist torturing Charlie. Miss Piggy makes Aaron recite a poem and she asks Charlie what he tells a woman to impress her. Instead of breaking down into a blubbering mess, he answers the question. Disappointment.
At the end all the guys join Emily, Kermit and Miss Piggy on stage to sing Rainbow Connection. This had to be the worst Muppet-based charity show ever.
In the evening, Emily and the guys enjoy some cocktails. Chris is determined to get the rose. She spends most of their one-on-one time telling Chris how good looking he is. When she meets with Jef, she asks him where the hell he’s been all day. He mopes about the whole situation “being weird.” No shit, jackass. The whole concept of the show is fucked up. She tells him she handled it in much the same way. Stevie immediately starts dancing with her and the other guys peek in and laugh from the stairwell. Eventually, Kalon walks in to break it up. Stevie switches to Angry Rat Mode. In his interview Stevie pretends to not know Kalon’s name. Now it’s Aaron’s turn to cut off and Kalon’s time and Kalon asks him for two minutes. Aaron refuses so Kalon steps away. Emily just sits there the whole time saying nothing. Kalon explains his actions by calling himself a “gentleman” and “a little more eloquent.” I think he means “pompous ass.” Stevie drunkenly says to Kalon, “I don’t like you.” Kalon responds, “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you. Thankfully, I’m me.” I know I’m supposed to hate this guy but I like him.
She gives the rose to Jef because he needed to be reassured. This happens every fucking season. The group date rose should just be called the Reassurance Rose. Also, enough with the overreaction to not getting the rose on the group date after you have a great moment with the The Bachelorette. You’re getting a fucking rose. Just not that one.
Final Date — Joe
The date card reads, “Come close to my heart.” Gross.
Joe is taken to the airport where they will be getting on a private jet to glamorous West Virginia — Emily’s home state. Really? West Virginia? I’d rather bake cookies. She takes him to The Greenbrier which is a really old hotel or country club. I’m not sure which. They swim in the pool. Whee!
In the evening Emily straps on another awful gown and they head off to a private dinner. Emily asks, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Is this a job interview?
Joe responds, “Happy.”
Emily asks, “What does that mean?”
Joe says, “Happy with the decisions I’ve made in jobs and relationships.”
Emily asks, “What does that mean?”
Joe responds, “If I end up with you, I’ll pack my bags and make a life.”
Emily asks, “What does that mean?”
Joe responds, “What does it mean to you?”
Damn, I was hoping that would go on forever.
In the room where they are having dinner, there is something called the Love Clock. You are to write a “love wish” and put it inside the clock. It’s actually dumber than it sounds. Joe writes, “To come back to West Virginia with Emily and Ricki and meet her parents.” Emily writes something completely non-committal that was clearly written for her by the writers.
She doesn’t feel the connection, but she tells him that she doesn’t know where she fits in in his life. Really? This is a first date concern? Stop being a pussy and just tell him you don’t feel it. He does not get the rose.
Back at the house
While discussing the possibility of becoming a father, Kalon tells Doug that he put being a father on hold to come on the show. Whoops. Kalon just pushed Doug’s Dad Rage button. Hell, he just pushed my Dad Rage button. Doug’s not having it and tells him to apologize. Kalon tries to back out of it and Doug puts his foot down. Also, Doug is fucking huge. Don’t fuck with Doug.
The Cocktail Party
Lots of talk about “stepping it up” now that Joe went home. The guys need to re-evaluate why they are there. You know, because they have a three day attention span.
Arie steals her away. He tells her he’s dated women with kids and he loves kids — in the good way, not the creepy way. Ryan gets more time with Emily and all the guys freak out. He’s written her a letter and she reads it aloud. It is the longest letter ever. Seven pages. Tony approaches to break it up right as she opens the letter. She reads the whole thing and forces Tony to stand there and listen the whole time. C’mon, Emily. Have a plan. You know this kind of shit is going to happen. That was only awkward because you let it be awkward. Tony eventually gets some time with her. He reveals that he has a five year-old son but I’m not sure it has any impact because Emily is drunk.
Kalon decides to sit off by himself and perpetuate his outcast status. Emily asks if something is bothering him. He says that he’s uncomfortable because he’s the youngest. They bond over being old souls.
Sean says, “Kalon has a way about him. I have a feeling he uses his vocabulary to assert his dominance in the household.” What? Because he’s smarter than you he’s an asshole? He is an asshole but it’s not because he’s smart.
The Rose Ceremony
Two guys will go home tonight.
Aaron and Kyle go home. Neither break down and cry. We’re at least a week away from dude tears. She’s systematically eliminating the older guys. The average age of the guys who have been eliminated is 32.75. The average age of the remaining guys is 28.4. She’s totally ageist.
I did math for this review. You’re welcome.