Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette Premiére

As I’m sure you know, the Bachelorette for this season is Emily Maynard.  You remember her.  She’s the boring blonde with the six year-old daughter and dead fiancé.  Her fiancé was a race car driver who died in a plane crash.  Just think, we might have an interesting Bachelorette if he had decided to drive.

That felt good.  I’m back.

Emily leads off the show by saying, “My ultimate goal is to find someone I can meet and marry.”  Thank you for explaining the premise of the show.  We’re treated to a montage of Emily and her daughter while she tells us in the voice over how lonely she is after her kid goes to bed.  It seems to me like she just needs a friend.  Getting a husband to cure your loneliness is overkill. 

She calls her daughter, “like the sweetest little thing ever.”  Her daughter may be like the sweetest little thing ever, but my daughter is the sweetest little thing ever.  I will not debate this point.

After being bashed over the head with the fact that Emily is a single mother, Chris Harrison warns us that this season’s winner must be a husband and a father.  Something he claims has never happened before.  Except that time when Jason Mesnick was the Bachelor and a single father.

Know your Bachelor/Bachelorette history, bitches.

Chris also informs us that this season will be set in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He really means they will be in North Carolina until they want to go on an interesting date.

It really feels like they missed an opportunity to do the first gay season of The Bachelor/ette in North Carolina.

Emily Arrives
She looks mortified as she steps out of the car.  Or that might just be the usual look on her face.  Her dress looks like she was the last one to get to the prom store and she too what was left.

She sits down to have a heart-to-heart with Chris — who we know now was dealing with a crumbling marriage when this was shot.  Remember this when he’s dishing out relationship advice.  She admits she’s scared to do this because she “fell in love twice and lost it twice.”

She then says, “I want it so bad.  I want to get married.  I want babies.  More than anything, I want the perfect person to share that with.”  Nope, no red flags here.

The Men Arrive
In bullet point format because that’s all they really deserve.  The names in italics were given clip packages at the beginning of the show:

Sean - Insurance agent.  He seems more interested in getting to the bar than in actually talking to Emily.  Probably a strong play.

David - A New York City singer/songwriter.  He says, “Writing songs comes natural.”  Cut to him sitting at the piano singing, “Emily” over and over.

Doug - Single dad.  Walks right up and says, “I’m a hugger is that okay?”  Then he plays up the single dad part real hard.

Jackson - Fitness Model.  He kneels down in front of her and says, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”  She couldn’t be less impressed.

Joe - Field Energy Advisor.  So he hangs power lines?  He’s going to try be “the funny guy.”  He mostly just shouts at her.

Arie - Indy Car driver.  Because the producers just couldn’t resist.

Our villain. 
Kyle - Financial Advisor.  He doesn’t really say anything and he’s not the strong, silent type.  A bad combination.

Chris - Corporate Sales Director.  He leads with the fact his parents have been married for 35 years.  He doesn’t mention if they secretly hate each other.

Aaron - Biology Teacher.  He’s wearing nerdy glasses and I’m not entirely sure they’re a prop.  He says, “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to find chemistry with you.”  This is the kind of stuff that works on Emily.

Alessandro - Grain Merchant.  I think they mean pot smuggler.  He says, “Emily, you’re real.”  Yes, dude.  People on TV are not robots.

Jef - Fuck you forever, Jef.  If your parents made the call on the single ‘f’ I might cut you some slack, but I’m guessing they didn’t.  He’s a CEO of a bottled water company.  He rolls in on a skateboard hanging on to the back of the limo.  His opening line is the brilliant, “I’m really glad I didn’t wreck.”

Lerone - Real Estate.  Is there something wrong with my TV?  I can’t believe it.  There’s a black person on The Bachelorette.  There’s a very good chance she’ll eliminate him before the rose ceremony.

Stevie - Party MC.  He brings a tiny boom box and dances his way in.  This guy is even cheesier than the Weatherman.  He will bear the brunt of most of my hate.

Charlie - Recruiter.  He fell off a 2nd floor balcony and suffered severe traumatic brain injury.  At least he has an excuse.  He closes his clip by saying, “I may have a head injury but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.”  

Tony - Lumber Trader.  He’s really into fitness.  He has a kid and his wife cheated on him.  He closes his feature with, “Who has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily?  This guy.”  He introduces himself to Emily by bringing her a glass slipper and saying, “The name’s, Charming.  Prince Charming.”  After the whole thing she says, “What’s your name again?”  I’m almost 100% sure he’s not playing a character that is a parody of every contestant who’s ever been on the show.

Randy - Marketing Manager.  He comes out dressed as an old woman.  He plays a grandma who introduces her to a “lovely young boy.”  He then reveals himself.  Strangely, I kinda like him.  I’m sure he’ll be gone faster than the black guy.

Nate - Accountant.  He doesn’t say much, but she tells him he smells really good.  As he walks away she says, “So cute.”

Brent - Technology Salesman.  He brought a name tag for himself.  He tells her she can take it off once she gets to know his name.  He should have drawn a circle on it and written, “Rose goes here.”

John - Data Destruction Specialist.  He’s a whiz with a shredder.  As soon as he says, “All my good friends call me Wolf,” I black out from douchebag overload.  You know he’s pissed there are no other Johns so he can’t go by Wolf full-time.

Travis - Advertising Sales Rep.  He brings an Ostrich egg and calls it a symbol of her and Ricki.  He’s basically doing the grade school egg-as-a-baby thing.  Do you really need to make this any harder than it already is?

Michael - Rehab Consultant.  He’s a professional recovering alcoholic?  Without explanation, he gave her a guitar pick.  He lists John Mayer, Bruno Mars and Justin Timberlake as his three favorite artists.  Add that knowledge to his awful hairstyle and he may just be Satan himself.

Jean-Paul - Marine Biologist.  He admits he doesn’t know anything about her.  She looks extremely disappointed.

Alejandro - Mushroom Farmer from Medellin, Colombia.  He’s definitely not in the drug business.  He’s almost exclusively speaks Spanish which she barely understands.  Great move leading with the language barrier.

Ryan - Sports Trainer, though he’ll first tell you he’s an ex-pro football player.  He’s the early leader in douchey hair.  When he meets her, he pulls out a note and pretends to read from it.  One side reads “You’re so beautiful,” the other side reads “I’m so nervous.”

Kalon - Luxury Brand Consultant.  So he’s a sports car dealer?  He calls himself, “The modern southern gentleman.”  He ends his clip by saying, “This will be the first day of the rest of my life.” Apparently he spends a lot of time in the card aisle of the drug store.  He is the last one to arrive and he comes in on a helicopter.  He doesn’t even try another bit.  Everyone immediately hates him.

The Cocktail Party
The first thing out of Emily’s mouth, “Gawl-lee, I’m nervous.”  That’s the exact moment I would have walked out.

Chris gives her bobble-heads made to look like himself and her.  He proposes they do a little “scene” with the dolls.  Unfortunately, we are not shown what was most definitely the greatest moment in Bachelorette history.

It never fails that the guys without props take some easy shots at the guys with props.  One time I want it to result in fisticuffs.  Just once.

After her one-on-one time with Jef, she says, “He makes me feel like a nerd.  He’s super cool and I hope that he thinks I’m cool, too.”  What is this, sixth grade?

Doug gives Emily a note from his son Austin.  The kid writes about how great his dad is.  You just know that Doug threatened to take away his Xbox until that note was finished. 

The guys waste no time picking out the guy who is there for the wrong reasons.  They choose Kalon, not the guy who is missing a letter in his name has a bottled water charity company to promote.  We all know that dudes who rent helicopters don’t have true feelings.  Isn’t that basically what the Occupy movement is about?  Kalon reveals to Emily that he was raised by a single mom.  Sean breaks up their conversation by asking, “Do you mind if I steal her away?”  Kalon says, “Of course I mind, but it’s not really my choice.”  A reasonable response.  Stevie — who was apparently eavesdropping —  immediately starts talking trash about Kalon’s response.  Kalon calls him out on it and Stevie just kinda squirms.  A rivalry is born.

Arie tells her that he is a race car driver.  She looks like she’s about to cry and then remembers she’s on TV.  She eventually says she’s okay with it in the most unconvincing way possible.

Emily grabs the First Impression rose and steals Doug away.  It was the letter from his son that sealed the deal.  Cut to Stevie looking pissed.

The Rose Ceremony
Chris explains how the ceremony works — as if we all don’t know by now.  Easiest job in the world.

The roses go to:
Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Arie, Charlie, Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro, John (Wolf), Alessandro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, Travis.

Lerone couldn’t even make it past the first episode and they didn’t even give him a goodbye clip.  That’s racist.

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