Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #7 - A Review

Remember, this show gets more and more boring as it progresses.  Mostly because it consists of 60% make out at this point.

This week the team is in Prague.  Emily says, “I feel like I’m back in the olden days.”  Do you?  Did they take away your indoor plumbing and give you the plague?  By the way, Prague only looks like it rhymes with plague.

Chris Harrison shows up to quickly explain what’s happening this week.  It feels really rushed.  Maybe he has to get back to his crumbling marriage.  There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date.  There will be no roses on the one-on-ones but there will be one on the group date.  Chris also warns them that next week Emily will be meeting their families.  

First Date — Arie
The date card reads, “Let’s Czech out Prague together.”  Boo.  Boooooooo.  Booooooooooo.  Not clever.

You guessed it, they’re just going to stroll around Prague.  They stop in front of the Prague Astronomical Clock.  Emily says, “Isn’t it incredible to stand here and look at this and wonder how many people stood here and looked at this?”  Nope.  Lots of people have been to lots of places and seen lots of things.

Emily believes that Arie has a secret.  Chris Harrison interjects to report that Arie once had a relationship with a Bachelorette producer.  He’s careful to point out that it happened several years ago and it was a brief relationship.  Emily knows because the producer told her.  They show a clip of the producer interviewing Emily about it.  Emily is upset but she doesn’t actually seem to know why.  This whole thing is really stupid.

Back at the date, Emily and Arie have the following exchange: 
Emily: Do you feel like you’re really open with me?
Arie: Yes.
Emily: I just want to make sure I really, really know.
Arie: I think I’m a good representation of who I am at home.
Emily: Do you think you’re trustworthy?
Arie: Yes.  You just have to trust.
Emily: To have to have no secrets.
Arie: I agree.  Is there anything else that you think is really important in a relationship?
Emily: Yes, just no secrets.

It’s clear that the relationship with the producer was so long ago and so short that Arie doesn’t even think it’s worth mentioning.  Eventually, Chris Harrison comes back to tell us exactly that and that Arie, Emily and the producer have worked it out.  Apparently, this happens off camera.  Then Arie and Emily make out.  Emily says, “I want to meet your family.  I need to start planning my outfit.”  She plans those awful things she puts on?

Then Arie says the magic words, “I love you.”

Second Date — John
The date card reads, “In Prague, all you need is love.”  Yes, and freedom from an oppressive Communist regime.

John and Emily go to the John Lennon Wall which is a large wall covered in sanctioned graffiti.  It’s a tribute to John Lennon and music and art that they weren’t allowed to have when it was a Communist state.  Emily and John paint a boat.

Next, they go to a fence where couples write messages on a lock and lock it on the fence.  The lock symbolizes everlasting love.  They couldn’t get the lock to lock.  Emily says that it’s a good metaphor for their relationship.  Things aren’t looking good for John.

They have dinner in a dungeon which is where their relationship will go to die.  John tells Emily that his girlfriend cheated on him one week after their year anniversary.  She told him she was going out with a friend and went out with a doctor instead.  He’s pretty sure this will lock down a rose for him.  At the end of the date, John tells Emily, “I went in thinking that maybe I could fall in love with this girl.  But now I know that I could fall in love with this girl.”

He tells her that he wants her to meet his parents.  They kiss, but it’s not a chew-on-your-face make out kiss like she and Sean have.

Group Date — Sean, Doug, Chris
The date card reads, “Let’s find our happily ever after.”  

Chris is pissed that he didn’t get a one-on-one.  John walks in beaming right after the date card arrives.  Chris is even more pissed.  He’s losing it.  

Sean decides to try to track Emily down.  He runs around the streets of Prague shouting her name.  Eventually, he catches up to her.  You know, because the producers know exactly where she is at all times.  They sloppily kiss.  Then they head to a cafe to make out.  What time is it?  Gross o’clock.
It’s raining for the group date.  A carriage pulls up and they all have to cram in.  Cut to clips of Chris bitching about how being on a group date with two other guys is worse than a date with 20 other guys.  This whining continues throughout the date.  They go to a castle.

Doug tells Emily that he thought that he was going home last week.  Instead of making a move, he apologizes when he bumps into her.  How does he have a kid if he is so afraid of touching a woman?  Emily says, “If Doug doesn’t want to get close to me now, he’s not going to.  Now I know what I have to do.”  She tells him, “I, from the very first day, have been waiting for something to happen.”  He kisses her.  She continues by telling him it’s time to go home.  It’s always good to sneak in your first kiss while you are getting dumped.  In the van Doug says, “I did not see that one coming.  I think my girl radar is broken.”  My wife emphatically shouts, “YA’ THINK?”  Hulk sad.

Emily returns to the dinner with Sean and Chris.  She gives them two keys.  One opens the area for the first one-on-one time.  Chris’s key does not work.  Sean gets the first time alone.  Chris gets to stew some more.  Chris is the new Hulk.

Sean and Emily say hello and then they make out.

Chris tells Emily, “I’m definitely emotionally on edge.  I am a little upset with you.  I wanted a one-on-one date.”

She says, “You always make the best of everything and that’s one of the many things I love about you.”  Then they make out.  For a guy who is being a whiny little bitch, he’s still doing pretty well with Emily.

She gives the rose to Sean and Chris goes into full panic mode.  Hulk mad.

Final Date — Jef
The date card reads, “This is your chance to pull at my heart strings.”  

They walk around the town and stumble upon a man playing with a marionette.  What a coincidence.  It’s like the date card knew they were going to just happen upon this delightful fellow.  Inside the store, Jef makes a Michael Jackson doll dance and moonwalk.  If Emily is looking for a guy with good puppeteering skills, she found him.  They get puppets that represent each of them.  They walk out.  Jef goes back in and gets a puppet for Ricki.

I hope she chooses Jef and he gets really into puppeteering and then he finds a door into John Malkovich’s mind and ends up trapped there forever.

They go to an old library.  They act out the moments of their relationships with the maironettes.  Jef is pretty good with the marionette.  Emily’s just stands there.  You know, because that’s what she always does.  He uses the puppet to tell her that he is, “One hundred, one million percent in love with you.”  The puppets make out and then they make out.

He tells her about his family.  He says they are really private but that he wants to share his family with them.  Emily asks, “Have they ever not liked someone you’ve dated before?”
Jef says, “Yes.”
Emily says, “What happened?”
Jef says, “I broke up with her.”
Emily, “Was it because of that?  
Jef, “Yeah, pretty much.”

Before she visits Jef’s family, maybe she should spend the time she would usually use planning her outfit and plan a personality instead. 

Jef asks if they would move in together first.  She says she would want to wait until they get married.  He asks how quickly she wants kids.  She says, “Yesterday.”  He says, “Really?  Me too.”  Well, isn’t that special?

The Cocktail Party
The guys sit around waiting for Emily.  John feels confident.  A little too confident.  Chris says that he wants to apologize to her about how he handled the group date.

Chris Harrison walks in to announce that there will be no Cocktail Party.

The Rose Ceremony
Sean has a rose.  One guy will go home.

Jef and Arie get the first two roses.  Before she gives out the final rose, Chris says, “Emily.  I’m sorry but I really need to talk to you.”  Once they are alone, he says, “I feel like I acted like a boy yesterday.  You were in an awkward position and I wasn’t sensitive to that.  I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t falling in love with you.  I would hate myself if I didn’t put that out there.”  She thanks him and they return to the Rose Ceremony.

The final rose goes to… Chris.

John goes home.  Chris is elated.  He gives all the guys huge hugs because that makes complete sense.  I can't wait until she sends him home next week.

John says a bunch of boring stuff in the car that no one cares about.  Is anyone surprised that John and Doug went home this week?

Next week, hometowns.  I really need one of these guys to have a crazy family or I’m going to die of boredom.

Monday, June 25, 2012

We Bought A House

On Saturday, Dee and I bought a house.  Well, we didn’t really buy a house.  As you can see from the picture below, there is no house.  There’s just a big space where the house will be.  We bought potential.  Someday in late October or early November, there will be a house.  We sure do hope it’s a good one.  We’re crossing our fingers.

Here’s my best guess at what it will look like:


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #6 - A Review

The crew is in Croatia this week.  I’d make some joke about how many Croatians it takes to screw in a light bulb but that just feels racist.

Emily didn’t bring Ricki with her so expect her to be extra sensitive about family this week.  Don’t be surprised if a dude gets sent home for not respecting her family.

Emily drops by the guys’ suite to deliver the date card.  Is Chris Harrison dead and no one told me?  Before she leaves, she hands the card to Travis.  It reads, “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.”

First Date — Travis
For people who are supposed to be looking for love “beyond the walls,” they seem to be spending their entire day inside the walls of the city.  They stop at  The Balancing Block which is a rock that sticks out of a wall.  If you can balance on it you will be lucky in love.  Emily tries to get Travis to take his shirt off with a lame joke that doesn’t even bear repeating.  Just one time, I’d like to see her make a joke that works.

At dinner Travis tells Emily that he hasn’t dated since his engagement broke up two years ago.  When she asks what happened he says, “I didn’t do anything wrong, she didn’t do anything wrong.”  You know, except for the part where they both blindly agreed to get married for no reason.  She’s somehow impressed with the answer.

When she asks what kind of woman he usually dates, he says, “You.”  Right, because he hasn’t been on a date in two years.  He has to take who he gets.

Emily likes Travis as a friend but just doesn’t feel the romance.  She doesn’t give him the rose.  Maybe he should have taken his shirt off.  

For a guy who hasn’t had much screen time, he takes it really hard.  He doesn’t have to do it in a car.  He’s so broken up they give him his very own room to break down and cry in.  He’s definitely in contention for loudest cheer from the ladies on the Guys Tell All episode.

Group Date — John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie
The date card reads, “Lasting love requires bravery.”  The guys aren’t concerned about the date, they’re more interested in reacting to Ryan getting the one-on-one.  Chris puts it best when he says that Ryan’s “confidence” is rubbing people the wrong way.  However, they don’t hate him.  They just think he’s a joke.  They are right.

Emily takes the guys to see Pixar’s Brave.  It’s about a princess who must choose between three suitors.  I feel like this reminds me of something but I can’t remember what.  In the movie, the suitors compete in the Highland Games to try to win the hand of the princess.  You’ll never guess what Emily is going to make the guys do.  That’s right, they will be competing in the Highland Games.  They will also be wearing kilts.  They will also ride donkeys to the arena.  They will also be treated for crotch lice.  

Why aren’t they doing something more traditionally Croatian?  You know, like meat frisbee.

The first event is archery.  Emily shoots first and is pretty good so no pressure, guys.  Arie, Jef, John, Sean and Doug all hit the target and they look like they know what they are doing.  Chris looks comically awkward and doesn’t even come close to hitting the target.

The second event is the caber toss.  You know, it’s that thing where you throw a big log lengthwise.  Chris volunteers to go first.  He fails miserably as you might expect.  Sean tosses his so far he actually breaks the caber.  Everyone is duly impressed.

The final event is basically one-on-one tug-of-war.  The guys sit foot to foot and they hold a rod between them and try to pull the other guy over.  It sounds way more sexy than it is.  Chris goes first and chooses Doug as his opponent.  Smart.  He knows he’s not going to win so why not go down big.  Doug wins.  Sean wins the overall tug-of-war crown.  

At the end, Emily gives away a "Bravery Cup."  Even though Sean won two of the events, the cup goes to Chris because he volunteered to go first on the caber toss and took on Doug in tug-of-war.
Chris gets alone time with Emily.  They head off and make out in front of all the other guys.  

At the cocktail party in the evening, Sean tells Emily he hasn’t had these kinds of feelings in a long time.  He stops short of saying he’s falling in love.  Who will be the first to say it?  

Arie apologizes to Emily for not standing up for her in London.  She forgives him and admits that she held him to a different standard.  Everything is magically okay now.  They stop mid-walk to make out against a wall which doesn’t feel rape-y at all.  

Jef says, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about.”  That’s exactly the kind of deep sounding shit that Emily loves.  She asks him what took him so long to kiss her.  He says he was scared.  Like you’re scared of that second ‘f’? 

Chris tells her, “I feel like I can fall in love with you.”  Does that count?  Is he first?  Judges?  Yes, it counts.  Chris is winning all the awards tonight.  Including the rose.  

Final Date — Ryan
The date card reads, “The world is our oyster.”

We get a special montage of Ryan spouting his inspirational quotes.  My favorite is when he says that he looks in the mirror every day and says “Who do you want to be today?  Most men don’t do that.”  No, because most men your age have figured out who the fuck they are.

Emily comes to the suite to pick up Ryan.  Ryan turns on his “charm” when he misquotes the date card as reading, “The world is our pearl.”  He covers it by saying that he’s always looking at the positive.  The other guys are creeped out and embarrassed for him.  Emily is, too.

They drive to a fishing dock and try some oysters fresh from the sea.  Emily spits hers back into the sea.  When they sit by the water and talk Ryan says, “I want to have a great woman in my life so I’ve done my best to be a great man.”  Then he calls her a trophy wife again and tries to spin it as a good thing even though she clearly takes offense every time he says it.

For dinner Emily wears a ridiculous gold lamé dress.  Her fashion sense never fails to make me barf.  She asks Ryan what he envisions in a wife.  He produces a list of 12 things that he wants in a woman.  Of course he has a list with him.  

The list: 
1) Loyal 
2) Logical  
3) Encourager 
4) Faithful — so far, he’s describing a dog.
5) Nurturer  
6) Confident  
7) Magnetic — she’s off to a good start with the dress.
8) Loves to laugh  
9) Servant — explained as someone who puts her family before herself.  
10) Unselfish — because there’s only enough room for his selfishness in a relationship 
11) Beautiful 
12) Loves to catch my eye — he put this one in bold.  

Emily says that “a loving family” would be at the top of her list and it wasn’t even on Ryan’s list.  She tells him she doesn’t think they want the same thing out of a relationship and that she cannot give him the rose.  He says, “That is very shocking and I would have not seen that coming.”  Yes, those are both the same thing.  He says, “I can’t help but think you’re not making the right choice.  Why would you not give me the opportunity to show you the man that I am at this point?”  She says she’s not 100% sure on this decision but she holds firm and doesn’t give him the rose even though he does his best to talk her out of it.  

Did I just hear an audible cheer from the people of Bachelorette land?

On the way home he says, “She is making the wrong decision.  I don’t think she’ll find love here.”  He says, “I can’t imagine how the guys are reacting right now, but we’ve created good friendships.”  Cut to the guys at the suite celebrating.  In the car, he says, “For the guys who cut this up, please portray me as who I am and not an arrogant ass.”  Whoops.

Later that evening…
Arie stops by Emily’s place to talk.  He says, “I find is so encouraging that you are such a good judge of character.”  I actually think he’s a little disappointed that Ryan went home.  If Ryan was still around, Arie would have something to tell Emily.  As it is, he’s just there to make out with her.  She gives him Ryan’s rose.  They make out on her bed.  Seriously, guys.  A close up of kissing is pretty gross.  I mean, I love kissing but I don’t need to see it close up.

He says that he’s definitely in love with Emily after this.  Okay, the judges have changed their decision.  Chris’s statement doesn’t count.  Arie is the first to be in love.

The Cocktail Party
Before the party, Emily tells us that John and Doug are on the bubble.  

John shows Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps in his wallet.  He tells her that nine years ago to the day his grandfather had his heart attack.  He believes that his grandfather is his guardian angel.  She kisses him.  Has he saved himself?

When she has time with Doug, he opens by giving her a non-sexy hug.  He says that he feels like he’s behind the other guys.  She then moves in close and puts his arm around her and says, “I am so open to you.”  She basically begs him to make out with her.  Instead, he stumbles over his words and acts like a little boy on a first date.  He doesn’t kiss her.  He cries during his interview.  Hulk sad.

The Rose Ceremony
One guy will go home.  Chris is safe.

Emily gives the first three roses to Sean, Jef and Arie.  Before she hands out the last rose, she goes out to see Chris Harrison, leaving Doug and John hanging.  She goes back in to talk to the guys and says, “I’m sorry, John, Doug.  I stand here and I start to second guess my decisions.  I had to go talk to Chris and I realized that I couldn’t hand out the final rose.”  They think they are going home, then Chris Harrison comes in with an extra rose and both Doug and John get roses.

Nobody goes home.  Lame.  Four guys better go home next week.

Friday, June 15, 2012

What I Want for Father's Day

To be a dad.

I don’t want a tie.  I don’t want a button-down shirt.  I don’t want a grill.  I don’t want a gadget.  I don’t want candy.  I don’t want a year’s subscription to a high-class porn site.  I just want to be a dad.

Listen, I won’t turn down any of those things if you want to get them for me.  I’m just saying that I want to be a dad.  I just want to be with my girl.  I want to make her laugh and chase her around and try to get her to say “socks.”  If I have to change a diaper, that’s fine.  If not, sweet.

That’s all I want.  Just some time with Scarlett.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #5 - A Review

When you choose to be on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette to get famous, you’re stuck with relying on fans of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette to maintain your fame.  Are those the people you want to rest your hopes and dreams on?

This week, the crew is in London.  Perfect.  This is the exact group of Americans that I want representing us in a foreign country.

Chris Harrison greets the guys in Trafalgar Square.  For some reason he warns them that one of them will be Emily’s husband.  I know he’s going through a tough time with his marriage but he should at least make some kind of effort.

First Date — Sean
The date card reads, “Love takes no prisoners.”

Jef and Arie admit they are jealous.  Kalon is just pissed.  I don’t feel like he’s going make the best of his time in London.

Sean and Emily take a tour of London on a open-topped double decker bus.  That’s apparently what Americans are required to do in London.  Emily points out all the landmarks like she knows what’s going on.  It’s clear she doesn’t because she’s using her I’m-reading-this voice.  They kiss in front of Buckingham Palace.

Sean reveals that he went on his last date about five months ago.  When Emily asks why he been on so few dates, he says, “A good girl is hard to find” because, “I’m more of a booty call guy,” wouldn’t fly.   She says, “Usually guys as good looking as you are boring.  But you are not boring.”  This is way too easy so I’ll let you make your own joke here.  Please try not to be racist.  They go to a place called Speakers Corner.  Sean is talked into giving a speech up on a stump.  He talks about how he’s never experienced deep love but he’s been in the presence of it because of his parents and grandparents.  We get it.  You don’t have any love experience but you majored in it and have a high love GPA.  We’re still not going to let you manage your own team.  This interview is over.

In the evening, they have dinner at the Tower of London.  A prison.  She keeps saying, “Prisoner of love.”  If Sean gets invited to the Fantasy Suite he better bring some handcuffs because she’s definitely into it.  She says that King Henry VIII kept his wives where they are eating and she makes a joke about beheading him if he doesn’t play it right.  She says, “Now is when you’re going to drop bombs on me.”  She really does like it rough.  Of course he doesn’t have any bombs to drop.  He’s a simple man, there’s nothing to hide.  This show is boring.

She’s slowly losing her voice.  

He gets the rose.  They kiss.  Boring.

Back at the House
Jef says, “I didn’t come here to go on group dates.”  Kalon responds, “Every day with Emily is going to be a group date with you, her and Ricki.”  Jef is pissed off during his testimonial.  He uses naughty swear words.  The guys are appalled and shocked that he would say something so awful.  Which I would believe if he hadn’t said awful things since the day he showed up.

Group Date — Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon
The date card reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  Kalon is pissed that he got the group date.  He says, “I don’t believe that.  It doesn’t smell sweet, it smells like shit.”  Nope, that’s just the fertilizer.

They go to Stratford-upon-Avon.  Shakespeare’s birthplace.  The guys will be doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet.  It’s the “acting date” where one guy gets to kiss the Bachelorette while everyone else watches.  The guys all claim to hate acting and yet they signed up for a dating TV show.  That’s weird.  Even though they hate it, everyone is having fun with it.  Except Kalon.  He’s taking it way too seriously because that’s what Kalon does.  He is selected to play Romeo.  Arie and Doug will play the nurse.  Ryan will also be Romeo.  I believe Travis is playing Mercutio and he plays the hell out of it.

When Emily visits Ryan and Kalon’s rehearsal, Ryan flirts with her about the kiss and Kalon gets pissed and shoos her away.  He says, “We need to rehearse, you can move along.”  Does he understand the premise of the show?  I really hope he’s on Bachelor Pad.

The guys are told there will be a live audience.  Everyone freaks out.  Doug says, “I don’t want to be embarrassed in front of an audience.”  No?  You realize you’re on The Bachelorette, right?
Kalon actually looks comfortable in his old time-y costume.  He is not comfortable with his lines.  He’s just bad.

Arie is very nervous but manages to go over the top and make it funny.  Well done, sir.
Ryan gets to kiss Emily in the climactic scene.  He takes the opportunity to kiss her twice.  Instead of being annoyed, she kind of loves it.  She says, “He might be the perfect Romeo.”  The Force is strong in this one.

In the evening, they go to a pub for drinks.  She immediately slips away with Arie and they make out.  Ryan is next.  He takes her into a room where he closes the curtains so they can have some privacy.  He gives her a necklace.  He’s got all sorts of tricks up his sleeve, but can he keep it up for a lifetime of marriage?

Kalon complains, “I’m waiting on a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her.”  This sparks a quick round of the other guys talking about Kalon’s trash talking of Emily.  Chris tells Arie that Kalon said Emily, “has a lot of baggage.”  It gets back to Doug and he decides to ask Kalon about it.  Kalon says, “Yeah.  I’m not going to apologize for it.”  Ah, the ethical asshole: He’s an asshole, but he owns it.

Doug tells Emily.  She’s pissed.  Emily wants to, “Go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.”  I guess that means asking Kalon if he said Ricki is baggage.  He doesn’t deny it tries to explain his way out of it by saying it had a “negative connotation” that he didn’t intend.  The term was created specifically for its negative connotation.  You don’t get to use it any other way.  He won’t deny he said it so Emily says, “Get the fuck out.”  In the car he says, “I did say it and I absolutely meant it.”  So which is it?  Negative connotation or not?

Emily is upset with the guys for not saying something earlier.  She goes home without giving out the rose.  She no longer trusts any of the guys because they didn’t “fight for her,” not because she has trust issues.

Final Date — Jef
They have afternoon tea with an etiquette teacher.  She berates Jef and Emily the entire time they are trying to have tea and eat some tiny sandwiches.  When she steps away, they bail and head to a pub.  Jef tells her that he was there when Kalon said what he said.  He tells her he stood up for her and told Kalon to go home.  Then he compares Ricki to a handbag so fancy that even Emily doesn’t recognize the brand.  Somehow Emily is okay with this.

They take a ride on the London Eye.  Emily says that the whole Kalon thing ruined her confidence in this whole situation.  Then they have the longest, most boring conversation ever aired on TV.  

He gets the rose.

He misses his chance to kiss her in the London Eye, but once outside he tells her that he felt like he missed some opportunities to “show her” how he feels about her before he actually kisses her.  Does he have to recite a monologue before everything he does?  Does he ever shut up?

The Cocktail Party
She gives a speech about how hard her week was.  She says she lost confidence in the whole process.  Really?  Just now?  You didn’t lose confidence after 23 shows resulted in two actual marriages?

Emily then proceeds to grill all the guys on why they didn’t stand up for her against Kalon.  Did she want someone to beat him up?  I’m pretty sure she wanted someone to beat him up.  I hear Brad is good at that.  All of the guys feel bad for not telling her.  She’s especially hard on Arie for no real reason.  I mean, we know the reason is trust issues but don’t you dare mention it or she’ll go “West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods” on your ass and ask you to leave.

Ryan tries to cheer her up by putting her on a balcony and reciting Shakespeare lines to her.  It works.  She’s falling for his tricks and she knows it.

Sean is off the hook because he wasn’t there during the Kalon thing.  She says he gives her, “butterflies in my heart.”  She should get that checked out.  That could be a heart murmur.  
Now that she has berated the guys like children she claims her faith is renewed.

The Rose Ceremony
Jef and Sean have roses and are safe.  One guy goes home.  An ominous bell tolls in the background.  It would add to the tension if we didn’t already know that Alejandro is going home.

Doug gets the first rose even though it’s clear they are just friends.  Arie gets the final rose because she wants to make him sweat.  She really does like it rough.  

Alejandro goes home and nobody cares what he has to say in the car.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #4 - A Review

My favorite pre-show previews are when we see the guys telling the camera that Emily is making a mistake.  Sometimes the truth is found in the simplest minds.

Chris Harrison appears to tell the guys to pack their bags for Bermuda.  Don’t worry, Emily will be there, too.

Like a big gay motorcycle gang, the guys arrive at their resort on scooters.  Panties across America are moistened.

First Date — Doug
The date card reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”

Wait, who is this guy talking about the importance of getting a date?  Alejandro?  It only took him four episodes to make an appearance.

Doug is nervous.  In fact, he’s completely freaking out.  Did he not realize that he would actually have to go on a date with her?  The guys have some fun at his expense but he can’t handle it.  He snaps at everyone.  He clearly has no sense of humor.  Emily walks in just as he’s about to go after Arie.  She notices the tension.  

Arie nails it when he compares Doug to the Hulk.

She takes Doug shopping and she makes him carry a bunch of tiny little bags in his giant Hulk hands.  Doug tells Emily that he started a charity because his son told him that one person couldn’t change the world and he wanted to show his son that he could.  How long has he been waiting to bust out that gem?  Emily asks him if he’s ever grumpy.  He admits that he was just getting grumpy with “the boys” when she walked in.  She inquires no further.  Then she pulls out a postcard and offers to write a note to his son.  
They go to the “Moon Gate” where you walk through as a couple and make some sort of “love wish.”  Why are there so many of these stupid things in the world?  Are there that many gullible tourists?  Don’t answer that.  Emily wishes that she won’t be single forever.  She won’t be.  Eventually she’ll die.

As soon as they sit down for dinner, he mentions the rose.  You know, because he’s apparently never ever been on a real date before.  Emily says he reminds her of Brad because he always says the perfect thing.  She asks him what his ex-girlfriends would say about him if she were there.  He answers things like, “I’m too devoted to my son,” and “I try to help too many people,” and “I don’t have any flaws — except for my brain.”  He asks her what her flaws are.  As she ticks off the list he always replies, “That’s not a fault.”  Doug is a robot.

He gets the rose.  Now, he’s nervous about kissing Emily because hasn’t kissed a girl “in months.”  He’s probably too busy changing the world all by himself.  In his on-camera interview he says, “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.”  Read that quote out loud but replace “Doug” with “Hulk.”

Group Date — Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon
The date card reads, “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.”

The guys are going sailing.  I didn’t see that coming.  The guys will be split into two teams and they will race sailboats.  The winners get more time with Emily.

Red Team — Travis, Sean, Charlie, Chris
Yellow Team — Jef, Arie, Ryan, Kalon

The Red Team open up a big lead at the beginning.  Halfway through, they nearly tip over the boat.  The Yellow Team takes advantage of the mistake and takes the lead because as Ryan says, “we’re working smarter.”  No, Ryan.  You’re never working smarter.  Before the last turn the Red Team reclaims the lead.  They are confident of victory until the Yellow Team cuts them off on the last turn and cruises to the finish line.

The Red Team is crushed.  So am I.  I wanted to see Ryan try to cope with losing.  I’m pretty sure Charlie is crying on the van ride back to the resort.  

In the evening, it’s drinks by the pool.  Ryan toasts to Emily and calls her a “trophy wife.”  She and Arie slip away for one-on-one time.  She’s worried he was given a hard time in the house because they made out at the Cocktail Party.  He acknowledges he did but he doesn’t make a big deal out of this.  See, guys?  This is how you play it.  They make out.  She tells him to be patient.  He says that he’ll, “think about what they have and forget everything else.”  He’s out to such a big lead right now that there’s no way he’ll actually be the guy she chooses.

She and Jef head down to the beach and sit by a fire pit.  He plays the whole, “I don’t know where I stand” thing.  Classic Reassurance Rose play.  He opens up a bit and says that he wants to be with her.  She’s excited about his openness but he misses the window to kiss her.  Just like he missed the second ‘f.’ 

Ryan is loaded up with all sorts of gems for his one-on-one time with Emily.  He opens with, “As the Bachelorette she has a great responsibility and I want to see what she does with it.”  One, the Bachelorette has zero responsibility.  If anyone is looking to the Bachelorette for guidance, she is already lost.  Two, what the fuck does this even mean?  Emily calls him out on all of his weird quotes.  He doesn’t back off a single one.  He calls it “flirting.”  Most people call it condescension and misogyny.  When telling her that he was bothered by her kissing Arie in front of everyone, he says, “To whom much is given, much is required.”  Really?  Does this guy have a thought that doesn’t exist in quote form?  She doesn’t call him out to his face, but drills him for throwing down the double standard in her on-camera interview.

Jef gets the Reassurance Rose.  Works every time.

Back at the house
They guys have a debate about age and maturity.  Doug and Ryan argue that they are more mature because they are older.  Chris doesn’t agree.  You know, because Doug and Ryan are the guys Maturity would choose to have argue in its favor.

Two-on-One — John, Nate
The date card reads, “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.”  I can only assume this means Emily’s vagina.

Oh, look.  There’s Nate.  He’s also not appeared in any episodes.  Why?  Because he’s boring.

They go out on a yacht to the Bermuda Triangle.  Welcome to the jumping off cliffs on a rocky island date.  Emily says, “I am going in to today with a completely open mind.”  Yeah, right.  No one ever goes into this date not knowing who is going home.  It’s going to be Nate, by the way.

In the evening they have dinner in a cave.  These dates are always extremely awkward, but add the sound of dripping water and the possibility of cave demons suddenly appearing and eating their faces and it’s a recipe for disaster.  They sit awkwardly for a while.  Nate points to their plates and says, “Is that quinoa?”  He pronounces it “Kwen-oh-ah.”  It’s pronounced “Keen-wah.”   More silence.

She steals Nate away to talk.  Nate opens with the fact that he isn’t interesting.  C’mon, Nate.  You don’t have to be Ryan but you have to sell yourself a little bit.  He just kinda says a bunch of random things about friends and family and gets choked up about something.  Not sure what, exactly.  Maybe it’s because he knows he’s going home.

John and Emily go off for their time.  John tells her that he would rather be on the two-on-one because he’ll find out if he has a connection or he can just go home.  Well played.  If she didn’t already know Nate is going home, she does now.  

John gets the rose.  She says about Nate, “I think he’s still really young.”  Bam.  Young dudes go home.

The Cocktail Party
Emily comes in wearing a really bad white pant suit.  Jef rivals her by wearing khaki shorts, bright blue socks, dress shoes, a button down and a blazer.  He looks like a schoolboy.

Ryan steals her away and “flirts” with her again.  This involves asking why she deserves this kind of attention.  He’s got to be using some sort of douchebag playbook, right?  The guys goad Arie in to breaking up their time.  He’s more than happy to do it.  

Arie asks her to tell him how she feels about him.  She says that when she’s “sitting on the porch by myself” she thinks of him.  “Sitting on the porch by myself” is code for masturbating, right?
Ryan sits down with Michael.  He says that he could see himself with Emily but that he feels like he’s called to something bigger.  He tells Michael that he should be the next Bachelor if it doesn’t work out.  No surprises here.

Sean asks about Ricki.  They make out.  Sean and Emily, not Sean and Ricki.  

Chris is pissed that Doug and Ryan called his maturity into question.  Chris lets Emily know that he’s ready to be a husband and father despite his age.

Chris asks Doug to talk.  He asks Doug why he thinks he’s the better man for Emily than Chris.  Doug says, “I think you’re being immature right now.”  Aren’t we all being immature right now?  I mean, I’m thinking about farts.  At some point, Chris utters the phrase, “Grown ass man.”  Grown ass men don’t use the phrase “grown ass man.”  Chris just lost an argument to the Hulk.

The Rose Ceremony
Doug, Jef, John have roses and are safe.  Two guys will go home.

Emily sits down with Chris Harrison to discuss her decision.  She says that every time she hears about an argument in the house it starts with Ryan or Doug.  When he asks about Alejandro she says, “I don’t know if he’s ready to step into the role of being dad.”  She really means that he’s not white enough.  She knows that Ryan is manipulative, “He thinks that he has me wrapped around his finger, but…”  But what, Emily?  But what?

Charlie and Michael go home.  You know, because they haven’t been on the show.

Michael says, “I’ve never been in love before, but I hope I fall in love.”  He cries in the rain.  Charlie cries too.  He’s probably still torn up about losing the boat race.

Monday, June 04, 2012

iPhone Feature Requests

I like my iPhone.  It does all sorts of cool things and I use it non-stop.  However, it could still improve and Apple knows it.  In fact, they’re working on the new iPhone right now.  The Internet tells me we won’t see a new iPhone until sometime this fall, which means Apple will have plenty of time to implement my suggestions.  What are my suggestions?  Keep reading.

A Smart Lock Screen
Most of you probably haven’t set your iPhone to prompt you for a passcode when you unlock your phone, but I have.  I’ve got all sorts of super-important information on my phone that I don’t want anyone else to access.  Plus, there’s all those sexting photos.  Anyway, the passcode can be a pain in the ass and there are a couple ways Apple could make the whole experience better.

First, they could make the passcode location aware.  If I’m at home, it should never ask me for the passcode.  I’m not worried about the people in my home accessing the info on my phone.  They should also offer alternative methods for unlocking the phone.  I should be able to unlock the phone just by looking at it.  It should unlock when the front-facing camera recognizes my face.  Finally, it should lock itself when I swipe my hand in front of it.  The proximity sensors should be able to recognize a directional swipe as a signal to lock the phone.

Oh, yeah.  I should also be able to put useful information on the lock screen.  I should be able to see how many emails I have, the weather and anything else I’d like to know by simply activating the screen without unlocking the phone.

Better Use of the Proximity Sensors
I’d like to silence my phone by simply placing it face down.  Now, I realize this may cause some issues when it is in my pocket, but I’m sure someone can figure out how to combine the info from the proximity sensors and the accelerometer to determine if it is resting face down on a flat surface or if it’s in a pocket.  I don’t have the newest iPhone and therefore I don’t have Siri but I feel like the proximity sensor would be a great way to activate Siri if that doesn’t happen already.  Also, see the section above for suggestion on how to activate the lock screen.

Better App Management
I have nearly 120 apps on my phone.  Apple’s current folder solution just ain’t cutting it.  It takes way too many swipes and taps to get to the apps I use.  I don’t know what the solution is but iOS needs a pretty major makeover.  Or I just need to be able to tell Siri to open the app I want.

Better Front-facing Camera
The camera on the back of the phone takes great photos and video.  The camera on the front should do the same.  It’s hard to take pictures or video of yourself with the rear camera and the quality of the front-facing camera is awful.  Fix it.

Better Notifications
Sure, they updated the notifications with the last iOS update but it’s not good enough.  The Notification Center is pretty useless and I can’t tell you how annoying the notification banners are when you’re using an app with buttons on the top of the screen.  Again, I don’t know the solution but there has to be a better way.

Don’t Change the Size
The iPhone is currently the perfect size.  I don’t want it to get bigger.  I don’t want or need a bigger screen.  I have a laptop and an iPad.  The last thing I want is a phone the size of a dessert plate in my pocket.  I like to sit down without snapping my phone in half.  Apple, don’t give in to the current trend of making a phone that can’t decide if it wants to be a tablet or not.

Get on it, Apple.  I have a phone that needs some updating.