My favorite pre-show previews are when we see the guys telling the camera that Emily is making a mistake. Sometimes the truth is found in the simplest minds.
Chris Harrison appears to tell the guys to pack their bags for Bermuda. Don’t worry, Emily will be there, too.
Like a big gay motorcycle gang, the guys arrive at their resort on scooters. Panties across America are moistened.
First Date — Doug
The date card reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”
Wait, who is this guy talking about the importance of getting a date? Alejandro? It only took him four episodes to make an appearance.
Doug is nervous. In fact, he’s completely freaking out. Did he not realize that he would actually have to go on a date with her? The guys have some fun at his expense but he can’t handle it. He snaps at everyone. He clearly has no sense of humor. Emily walks in just as he’s about to go after Arie. She notices the tension.
Arie nails it when he compares Doug to the Hulk.
She takes Doug shopping and she makes him carry a bunch of tiny little bags in his giant Hulk hands. Doug tells Emily that he started a charity because his son told him that one person couldn’t change the world and he wanted to show his son that he could. How long has he been waiting to bust out that gem? Emily asks him if he’s ever grumpy. He admits that he was just getting grumpy with “the boys” when she walked in. She inquires no further. Then she pulls out a postcard and offers to write a note to his son.
They go to the “Moon Gate” where you walk through as a couple and make some sort of “love wish.” Why are there so many of these stupid things in the world? Are there that many gullible tourists? Don’t answer that. Emily wishes that she won’t be single forever. She won’t be. Eventually she’ll die.
As soon as they sit down for dinner, he mentions the rose. You know, because he’s apparently never ever been on a real date before. Emily says he reminds her of Brad because he always says the perfect thing. She asks him what his ex-girlfriends would say about him if she were there. He answers things like, “I’m too devoted to my son,” and “I try to help too many people,” and “I don’t have any flaws — except for my brain.” He asks her what her flaws are. As she ticks off the list he always replies, “That’s not a fault.” Doug is a robot.
He gets the rose. Now, he’s nervous about kissing Emily because hasn’t kissed a girl “in months.” He’s probably too busy changing the world all by himself. In his on-camera interview he says, “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.” Read that quote out loud but replace “Doug” with “Hulk.”
Group Date — Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon
The date card reads, “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.”
The guys are going sailing. I didn’t see that coming. The guys will be split into two teams and they will race sailboats. The winners get more time with Emily.
Red Team — Travis, Sean, Charlie, Chris
Yellow Team — Jef, Arie, Ryan, Kalon
The Red Team open up a big lead at the beginning. Halfway through, they nearly tip over the boat. The Yellow Team takes advantage of the mistake and takes the lead because as Ryan says, “we’re working smarter.” No, Ryan. You’re never working smarter. Before the last turn the Red Team reclaims the lead. They are confident of victory until the Yellow Team cuts them off on the last turn and cruises to the finish line.
The Red Team is crushed. So am I. I wanted to see Ryan try to cope with losing. I’m pretty sure Charlie is crying on the van ride back to the resort.
In the evening, it’s drinks by the pool. Ryan toasts to Emily and calls her a “trophy wife.” She and Arie slip away for one-on-one time. She’s worried he was given a hard time in the house because they made out at the Cocktail Party. He acknowledges he did but he doesn’t make a big deal out of this. See, guys? This is how you play it. They make out. She tells him to be patient. He says that he’ll, “think about what they have and forget everything else.” He’s out to such a big lead right now that there’s no way he’ll actually be the guy she chooses.
She and Jef head down to the beach and sit by a fire pit. He plays the whole, “I don’t know where I stand” thing. Classic Reassurance Rose play. He opens up a bit and says that he wants to be with her. She’s excited about his openness but he misses the window to kiss her. Just like he missed the second ‘f.’
Ryan is loaded up with all sorts of gems for his one-on-one time with Emily. He opens with, “As the Bachelorette she has a great responsibility and I want to see what she does with it.” One, the Bachelorette has zero responsibility. If anyone is looking to the Bachelorette for guidance, she is already lost. Two, what the fuck does this even mean? Emily calls him out on all of his weird quotes. He doesn’t back off a single one. He calls it “flirting.” Most people call it condescension and misogyny. When telling her that he was bothered by her kissing Arie in front of everyone, he says, “To whom much is given, much is required.” Really? Does this guy have a thought that doesn’t exist in quote form? She doesn’t call him out to his face, but drills him for throwing down the double standard in her on-camera interview.
Jef gets the Reassurance Rose. Works every time.
Back at the house
They guys have a debate about age and maturity. Doug and Ryan argue that they are more mature because they are older. Chris doesn’t agree. You know, because Doug and Ryan are the guys Maturity would choose to have argue in its favor.
Two-on-One — John, Nate
The date card reads, “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.” I can only assume this means Emily’s vagina.
Oh, look. There’s Nate. He’s also not appeared in any episodes. Why? Because he’s boring.
They go out on a yacht to the Bermuda Triangle. Welcome to the jumping off cliffs on a rocky island date. Emily says, “I am going in to today with a completely open mind.” Yeah, right. No one ever goes into this date not knowing who is going home. It’s going to be Nate, by the way.
In the evening they have dinner in a cave. These dates are always extremely awkward, but add the sound of dripping water and the possibility of cave demons suddenly appearing and eating their faces and it’s a recipe for disaster. They sit awkwardly for a while. Nate points to their plates and says, “Is that quinoa?” He pronounces it “Kwen-oh-ah.” It’s pronounced “Keen-wah.” More silence.
She steals Nate away to talk. Nate opens with the fact that he isn’t interesting. C’mon, Nate. You don’t have to be Ryan but you have to sell yourself a little bit. He just kinda says a bunch of random things about friends and family and gets choked up about something. Not sure what, exactly. Maybe it’s because he knows he’s going home.
John and Emily go off for their time. John tells her that he would rather be on the two-on-one because he’ll find out if he has a connection or he can just go home. Well played. If she didn’t already know Nate is going home, she does now.
John gets the rose. She says about Nate, “I think he’s still really young.” Bam. Young dudes go home.
The Cocktail Party
Emily comes in wearing a really bad white pant suit. Jef rivals her by wearing khaki shorts, bright blue socks, dress shoes, a button down and a blazer. He looks like a schoolboy.
Ryan steals her away and “flirts” with her again. This involves asking why she deserves this kind of attention. He’s got to be using some sort of douchebag playbook, right? The guys goad Arie in to breaking up their time. He’s more than happy to do it.
Arie asks her to tell him how she feels about him. She says that when she’s “sitting on the porch by myself” she thinks of him. “Sitting on the porch by myself” is code for masturbating, right?
Ryan sits down with Michael. He says that he could see himself with Emily but that he feels like he’s called to something bigger. He tells Michael that he should be the next Bachelor if it doesn’t work out. No surprises here.
Sean asks about Ricki. They make out. Sean and Emily, not Sean and Ricki.
Chris is pissed that Doug and Ryan called his maturity into question. Chris lets Emily know that he’s ready to be a husband and father despite his age.
Chris asks Doug to talk. He asks Doug why he thinks he’s the better man for Emily than Chris. Doug says, “I think you’re being immature right now.” Aren’t we all being immature right now? I mean, I’m thinking about farts. At some point, Chris utters the phrase, “Grown ass man.” Grown ass men don’t use the phrase “grown ass man.” Chris just lost an argument to the Hulk.
The Rose Ceremony
Doug, Jef, John have roses and are safe. Two guys will go home.
Emily sits down with Chris Harrison to discuss her decision. She says that every time she hears about an argument in the house it starts with Ryan or Doug. When he asks about Alejandro she says, “I don’t know if he’s ready to step into the role of being dad.” She really means that he’s not white enough. She knows that Ryan is manipulative, “He thinks that he has me wrapped around his finger, but…” But what, Emily? But what?
Charlie and Michael go home. You know, because they haven’t been on the show.
Michael says, “I’ve never been in love before, but I hope I fall in love.” He cries in the rain. Charlie cries too. He’s probably still torn up about losing the boat race.