The crew is in Croatia this week. I’d make some joke about how many Croatians it takes to screw in a light bulb but that just feels racist.
Emily didn’t bring Ricki with her so expect her to be extra sensitive about family this week. Don’t be surprised if a dude gets sent home for not respecting her family.
Emily drops by the guys’ suite to deliver the date card. Is Chris Harrison dead and no one told me? Before she leaves, she hands the card to Travis. It reads, “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.”
First Date — Travis
For people who are supposed to be looking for love “beyond the walls,” they seem to be spending their entire day inside the walls of the city. They stop at The Balancing Block which is a rock that sticks out of a wall. If you can balance on it you will be lucky in love. Emily tries to get Travis to take his shirt off with a lame joke that doesn’t even bear repeating. Just one time, I’d like to see her make a joke that works.
At dinner Travis tells Emily that he hasn’t dated since his engagement broke up two years ago. When she asks what happened he says, “I didn’t do anything wrong, she didn’t do anything wrong.” You know, except for the part where they both blindly agreed to get married for no reason. She’s somehow impressed with the answer.
When she asks what kind of woman he usually dates, he says, “You.” Right, because he hasn’t been on a date in two years. He has to take who he gets.
Emily likes Travis as a friend but just doesn’t feel the romance. She doesn’t give him the rose. Maybe he should have taken his shirt off.
For a guy who hasn’t had much screen time, he takes it really hard. He doesn’t have to do it in a car. He’s so broken up they give him his very own room to break down and cry in. He’s definitely in contention for loudest cheer from the ladies on the Guys Tell All episode.
Group Date — John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie
The date card reads, “Lasting love requires bravery.” The guys aren’t concerned about the date, they’re more interested in reacting to Ryan getting the one-on-one. Chris puts it best when he says that Ryan’s “confidence” is rubbing people the wrong way. However, they don’t hate him. They just think he’s a joke. They are right.
Emily takes the guys to see Pixar’s Brave. It’s about a princess who must choose between three suitors. I feel like this reminds me of something but I can’t remember what. In the movie, the suitors compete in the Highland Games to try to win the hand of the princess. You’ll never guess what Emily is going to make the guys do. That’s right, they will be competing in the Highland Games. They will also be wearing kilts. They will also ride donkeys to the arena. They will also be treated for crotch lice.
Why aren’t they doing something more traditionally Croatian? You know, like meat frisbee.
The first event is archery. Emily shoots first and is pretty good so no pressure, guys. Arie, Jef, John, Sean and Doug all hit the target and they look like they know what they are doing. Chris looks comically awkward and doesn’t even come close to hitting the target.
The second event is the caber toss. You know, it’s that thing where you throw a big log lengthwise. Chris volunteers to go first. He fails miserably as you might expect. Sean tosses his so far he actually breaks the caber. Everyone is duly impressed.
The final event is basically one-on-one tug-of-war. The guys sit foot to foot and they hold a rod between them and try to pull the other guy over. It sounds way more sexy than it is. Chris goes first and chooses Doug as his opponent. Smart. He knows he’s not going to win so why not go down big. Doug wins. Sean wins the overall tug-of-war crown.
At the end, Emily gives away a "Bravery Cup." Even though Sean won two of the events, the cup goes to Chris because he volunteered to go first on the caber toss and took on Doug in tug-of-war.
Chris gets alone time with Emily. They head off and make out in front of all the other guys.
At the cocktail party in the evening, Sean tells Emily he hasn’t had these kinds of feelings in a long time. He stops short of saying he’s falling in love. Who will be the first to say it?
Arie apologizes to Emily for not standing up for her in London. She forgives him and admits that she held him to a different standard. Everything is magically okay now. They stop mid-walk to make out against a wall which doesn’t feel rape-y at all.
Jef says, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about.” That’s exactly the kind of deep sounding shit that Emily loves. She asks him what took him so long to kiss her. He says he was scared. Like you’re scared of that second ‘f’?
Chris tells her, “I feel like I can fall in love with you.” Does that count? Is he first? Judges? Yes, it counts. Chris is winning all the awards tonight. Including the rose.
Final Date — Ryan
The date card reads, “The world is our oyster.”
We get a special montage of Ryan spouting his inspirational quotes. My favorite is when he says that he looks in the mirror every day and says “Who do you want to be today? Most men don’t do that.” No, because most men your age have figured out who the fuck they are.
Emily comes to the suite to pick up Ryan. Ryan turns on his “charm” when he misquotes the date card as reading, “The world is our pearl.” He covers it by saying that he’s always looking at the positive. The other guys are creeped out and embarrassed for him. Emily is, too.
They drive to a fishing dock and try some oysters fresh from the sea. Emily spits hers back into the sea. When they sit by the water and talk Ryan says, “I want to have a great woman in my life so I’ve done my best to be a great man.” Then he calls her a trophy wife again and tries to spin it as a good thing even though she clearly takes offense every time he says it.
For dinner Emily wears a ridiculous gold lamé dress. Her fashion sense never fails to make me barf. She asks Ryan what he envisions in a wife. He produces a list of 12 things that he wants in a woman. Of course he has a list with him.
4) Faithful — so far, he’s describing a dog.
7) Magnetic — she’s off to a good start with the dress.
8) Loves to laugh
9) Servant — explained as someone who puts her family before herself.
10) Unselfish — because there’s only enough room for his selfishness in a relationship
12) Loves to catch my eye — he put this one in bold.
Emily says that “a loving family” would be at the top of her list and it wasn’t even on Ryan’s list. She tells him she doesn’t think they want the same thing out of a relationship and that she cannot give him the rose. He says, “That is very shocking and I would have not seen that coming.” Yes, those are both the same thing. He says, “I can’t help but think you’re not making the right choice. Why would you not give me the opportunity to show you the man that I am at this point?” She says she’s not 100% sure on this decision but she holds firm and doesn’t give him the rose even though he does his best to talk her out of it.
Did I just hear an audible cheer from the people of Bachelorette land?
On the way home he says, “She is making the wrong decision. I don’t think she’ll find love here.” He says, “I can’t imagine how the guys are reacting right now, but we’ve created good friendships.” Cut to the guys at the suite celebrating. In the car, he says, “For the guys who cut this up, please portray me as who I am and not an arrogant ass.” Whoops.
Later that evening…
Arie stops by Emily’s place to talk. He says, “I find is so encouraging that you are such a good judge of character.” I actually think he’s a little disappointed that Ryan went home. If Ryan was still around, Arie would have something to tell Emily. As it is, he’s just there to make out with her. She gives him Ryan’s rose. They make out on her bed. Seriously, guys. A close up of kissing is pretty gross. I mean, I love kissing but I don’t need to see it close up.
He says that he’s definitely in love with Emily after this. Okay, the judges have changed their decision. Chris’s statement doesn’t count. Arie is the first to be in love.
The Cocktail Party
Before the party, Emily tells us that John and Doug are on the bubble.
John shows Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps in his wallet. He tells her that nine years ago to the day his grandfather had his heart attack. He believes that his grandfather is his guardian angel. She kisses him. Has he saved himself?
When she has time with Doug, he opens by giving her a non-sexy hug. He says that he feels like he’s behind the other guys. She then moves in close and puts his arm around her and says, “I am so open to you.” She basically begs him to make out with her. Instead, he stumbles over his words and acts like a little boy on a first date. He doesn’t kiss her. He cries during his interview. Hulk sad.
The Rose Ceremony
Emily gives the first three roses to Sean, Jef and Arie. Before she hands out the last rose, she goes out to see Chris Harrison, leaving Doug and John hanging. She goes back in to talk to the guys and says, “I’m sorry, John, Doug. I stand here and I start to second guess my decisions. I had to go talk to Chris and I realized that I couldn’t hand out the final rose.” They think they are going home, then Chris Harrison comes in with an extra rose and both Doug and John get roses.
Nobody goes home. Lame. Four guys better go home next week.