Remember, this show gets more and more boring as it progresses. Mostly because it consists of 60% make out at this point.
This week the team is in Prague. Emily says, “I feel like I’m back in the olden days.” Do you? Did they take away your indoor plumbing and give you the plague? By the way, Prague only looks like it rhymes with plague.
Chris Harrison shows up to quickly explain what’s happening this week. It feels really rushed. Maybe he has to get back to his crumbling marriage. There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. There will be no roses on the one-on-ones but there will be one on the group date. Chris also warns them that next week Emily will be meeting their families.
First Date — Arie
The date card reads, “Let’s Czech out Prague together.” Boo. Boooooooo. Booooooooooo. Not clever.
You guessed it, they’re just going to stroll around Prague. They stop in front of the Prague Astronomical Clock. Emily says, “Isn’t it incredible to stand here and look at this and wonder how many people stood here and looked at this?” Nope. Lots of people have been to lots of places and seen lots of things.
Emily believes that Arie has a secret. Chris Harrison interjects to report that Arie once had a relationship with a Bachelorette producer. He’s careful to point out that it happened several years ago and it was a brief relationship. Emily knows because the producer told her. They show a clip of the producer interviewing Emily about it. Emily is upset but she doesn’t actually seem to know why. This whole thing is really stupid.
Back at the date, Emily and Arie have the following exchange:
Emily: Do you feel like you’re really open with me?
Emily: I just want to make sure I really, really know.
Arie: I think I’m a good representation of who I am at home.
Emily: Do you think you’re trustworthy?
Arie: Yes. You just have to trust.
Emily: To have to have no secrets.
Arie: I agree. Is there anything else that you think is really important in a relationship?
Emily: Yes, just no secrets.
It’s clear that the relationship with the producer was so long ago and so short that Arie doesn’t even think it’s worth mentioning. Eventually, Chris Harrison comes back to tell us exactly that and that Arie, Emily and the producer have worked it out. Apparently, this happens off camera. Then Arie and Emily make out. Emily says, “I want to meet your family. I need to start planning my outfit.” She plans those awful things she puts on?
Then Arie says the magic words, “I love you.”
Second Date — John
The date card reads, “In Prague, all you need is love.” Yes, and freedom from an oppressive Communist regime.
John and Emily go to the John Lennon Wall which is a large wall covered in sanctioned graffiti. It’s a tribute to John Lennon and music and art that they weren’t allowed to have when it was a Communist state. Emily and John paint a boat.
Next, they go to a fence where couples write messages on a lock and lock it on the fence. The lock symbolizes everlasting love. They couldn’t get the lock to lock. Emily says that it’s a good metaphor for their relationship. Things aren’t looking good for John.
They have dinner in a dungeon which is where their relationship will go to die. John tells Emily that his girlfriend cheated on him one week after their year anniversary. She told him she was going out with a friend and went out with a doctor instead. He’s pretty sure this will lock down a rose for him. At the end of the date, John tells Emily, “I went in thinking that maybe I could fall in love with this girl. But now I know that I could fall in love with this girl.”
He tells her that he wants her to meet his parents. They kiss, but it’s not a chew-on-your-face make out kiss like she and Sean have.
Group Date — Sean, Doug, Chris
The date card reads, “Let’s find our happily ever after.”
Chris is pissed that he didn’t get a one-on-one. John walks in beaming right after the date card arrives. Chris is even more pissed. He’s losing it.
Sean decides to try to track Emily down. He runs around the streets of Prague shouting her name. Eventually, he catches up to her. You know, because the producers know exactly where she is at all times. They sloppily kiss. Then they head to a cafe to make out. What time is it? Gross o’clock.
It’s raining for the group date. A carriage pulls up and they all have to cram in. Cut to clips of Chris bitching about how being on a group date with two other guys is worse than a date with 20 other guys. This whining continues throughout the date. They go to a castle.
Doug tells Emily that he thought that he was going home last week. Instead of making a move, he apologizes when he bumps into her. How does he have a kid if he is so afraid of touching a woman? Emily says, “If Doug doesn’t want to get close to me now, he’s not going to. Now I know what I have to do.” She tells him, “I, from the very first day, have been waiting for something to happen.” He kisses her. She continues by telling him it’s time to go home. It’s always good to sneak in your first kiss while you are getting dumped. In the van Doug says, “I did not see that one coming. I think my girl radar is broken.” My wife emphatically shouts, “YA’ THINK?” Hulk sad.
Emily returns to the dinner with Sean and Chris. She gives them two keys. One opens the area for the first one-on-one time. Chris’s key does not work. Sean gets the first time alone. Chris gets to stew some more. Chris is the new Hulk.
Sean and Emily say hello and then they make out.
Chris tells Emily, “I’m definitely emotionally on edge. I am a little upset with you. I wanted a one-on-one date.”
She says, “You always make the best of everything and that’s one of the many things I love about you.” Then they make out. For a guy who is being a whiny little bitch, he’s still doing pretty well with Emily.
She gives the rose to Sean and Chris goes into full panic mode. Hulk mad.
Final Date — Jef
The date card reads, “This is your chance to pull at my heart strings.”
They walk around the town and stumble upon a man playing with a marionette. What a coincidence. It’s like the date card knew they were going to just happen upon this delightful fellow. Inside the store, Jef makes a Michael Jackson doll dance and moonwalk. If Emily is looking for a guy with good puppeteering skills, she found him. They get puppets that represent each of them. They walk out. Jef goes back in and gets a puppet for Ricki.
I hope she chooses Jef and he gets really into puppeteering and then he finds a door into John Malkovich’s mind and ends up trapped there forever.
They go to an old library. They act out the moments of their relationships with the maironettes. Jef is pretty good with the marionette. Emily’s just stands there. You know, because that’s what she always does. He uses the puppet to tell her that he is, “One hundred, one million percent in love with you.” The puppets make out and then they make out.
He tells her about his family. He says they are really private but that he wants to share his family with them. Emily asks, “Have they ever not liked someone you’ve dated before?”
Jef says, “Yes.”
Emily says, “What happened?”
Jef says, “I broke up with her.”
Emily, “Was it because of that?
Jef, “Yeah, pretty much.”
Before she visits Jef’s family, maybe she should spend the time she would usually use planning her outfit and plan a personality instead.
Jef asks if they would move in together first. She says she would want to wait until they get married. He asks how quickly she wants kids. She says, “Yesterday.” He says, “Really? Me too.” Well, isn’t that special?
The Cocktail Party
The guys sit around waiting for Emily. John feels confident. A little too confident. Chris says that he wants to apologize to her about how he handled the group date.
Chris Harrison walks in to announce that there will be no Cocktail Party.
The Rose Ceremony
Sean has a rose. One guy will go home.
Jef and Arie get the first two roses. Before she gives out the final rose, Chris says, “Emily. I’m sorry but I really need to talk to you.” Once they are alone, he says, “I feel like I acted like a boy yesterday. You were in an awkward position and I wasn’t sensitive to that. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t falling in love with you. I would hate myself if I didn’t put that out there.” She thanks him and they return to the Rose Ceremony.
The final rose goes to… Chris.
John goes home. Chris is elated. He gives all the guys huge hugs because that makes complete sense. I can't wait until she sends him home next week.
John says a bunch of boring stuff in the car that no one cares about. Is anyone surprised that John and Doug went home this week?
Next week, hometowns. I really need one of these guys to have a crazy family or I’m going to die of boredom.