Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #2 - A Review

I missed the first ten minutes of the show because, you know, I don’t care.  

When I joined the show, Michael was choreographing a rhythmic gymnastics routine with the guys and Erica was bitching about everything.  I guess I didn’t miss a thing.

The Competition
The men and women will each be performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine.  Three judges will determine who was the best and worst from each group.  The winners get a rose and a date.  The losers get a vote against them.

The judges are Ashley and JP (from a previous season of The Bachelorette) and Tashsa Schwikert (an Olympic gymnast).  When Ashley and JP come out Dee says, “Ugh.  They never go away.”
The ladies perform first and they are awful.  In the season’s biggest shocker, Erica doesn’t even try.  Molecules bouncing around in a tea kettle are more organized than this performance.

The guys actually look like they know what they are doing.  You know, for guys who have never done anything like this before.  Michael is clearly in charge orchestrating the whole thing and there is no doubt he will win the rose.

The judges tag Erica and Ed as the worst.  Once again, Erica has a vote against her.  Can someone tell me what she brings to this show?  In her three seasons she’s never won a competition or managed to get any man to take the slightest bit of interest in her.

Blakeley and Michael are declared the winners.  They each get to take three people on their dates and they will award one rose at the end of the date.

Erica begs Michael to take her on the date and give her the rose.  Why exactly would he do that?  He tells her what she wants to hear and then promply invites Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on the date.  

The Date — Michael, Rachel, Lindzi, Donna
They go to a theater for a concert by some band that sounds a lot like Nickelback.  You know, awful.  They never actually tell us the name of the band.  Man, that band is gonna be pissed.  Donna tries to get time in with Michael but Rachel moves in and starts making out with Michael.  We don’t ever see Michael and Rachel talk to each other.  They only make out.

Donna shows Michael a portrait she drew of him.  He looks a little cartoony but otherwise it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  Unless you’re the kind of person who gets embarrassed by drawing creepy fan art.  Donna is very open about her crush.  Michael says, “I wanted to give her something in return.  You know, fulfill a bit of a fantasy for her.  It’s sweet.”  So nice of you to throw her a bone and give her the gift of you.

He gives the rose to Rachel.

Back at the House
Ryan makes a cake for Jamie’s birthday.  He makes “birthday girl” out of Twizzlers and marshmallows on her bed.  He’s pouring it on and Jaime doesn’t give a shit because she’s too busy battling Blakeley for Chris.  Really?  Chris is worth fighting over?  You’re fighting over a 5-year-old, ladies.

Chris tells Jamie he has to stick with Blakeley simply because she won the challenge.  Jamie buys it and says, “I can’t believe you like me so much.”  Guess what, he doesn’t like you that much.  He’ll trade you in for someone else in a heartbeat.

Chris then tells Blakeley that he is just using Jamie and he doesn’t have feelings for her.  Chris and Blakeley go off to her bed to make out.  Jamie finds them because she sleeps in the bunk above Blakeley.  My favorite part of this is that they force adults to sleep in bunk beds.

The Date — Blakeley, Chris, Ed, Dave
Blakeley tells Chris that she wants to invite Dave on the date “to be nice.”  Chris has no idea what the words “to be nice” mean so he gets pissed.

They will be racing soap box derby cars.  There is absolutely zero context for this.  They each pick out a car and decorate it.  Chris quickly decorates his car so he can spend the rest of the time being a dick to Dave.  He does take a few seconds to talk about how he’ll destroy everyone in the race, but mostly he’s just being a dick to Dave.

Ed wins the race.  Dave finishes last.  Of course, the race means nothing in the scheme of the game and in life in general.

In the evening, they hang out in the house the Bachelor or Bachelorette stays at when they film the show.  

Dave tries to appeal to her status as the outsider on her season with Ben.  He draws parallels to his situation.  It’s the best play he’s got.  He ends it by saying, “There’s only one thing I can offer you.  My vote is yours.  I’ll do whatever you say.”  Well played, fanboy.

Ed asks Chris if he is in to Blakeley.  Chris says that he’s into it for the money.
Blakeley asks Chris, “Are you in this with me?”  
Chris says, “I could sit in a 8 by 8 storage room with you and be happy.”  
Blakeley says, “Don’t be a smart ass.”  She’s finally starting to catch on.  Then she says, “I need to know right now if your are in this with me.”  
Chris says, “100%.”  And then he pouts like a child.  
Blakeley thanks Dave for being a good fan but she gives the rose to Chris because no one wants to teach him a lesson.

The Party
The party is getting crazy.  Girls are making out with each other.  Dave is making out with one of the twins.  Michael and Rachel are making out and Lindzi and Kalon are hitting it off.  Ed and Jaclyn start hitting it off but Sarah decides that she needs to hook up so she takes off her top and jumps in the pool with Ed.  They head to the bedroom.  Under the sheets Sarah is doing something to him (I think we can safely assume it’s a blowjob) while he makes whooping noises for the whole house to hear.

The twins try to get Nick and Tony on their side but the twins just end up bickering with each other.  Everyone goes to bed but the twins keep arguing.  Britney decides she wants to go home but Erica wants to stay.  At one point, one of them says, “Why are you doing this to us?”  Their grasp of the English language is tenuous at best.  Eventually, they decide to go home.  Erica wakes Dave up to say goodbye.  In response, Dave yawns.

In the morning, Dave has no memory of Erica saying goodbye and he is shocked they are gone.  Strangely, he doesn’t seem disappointed.

Scheming
Chris Harrison announces that with the departure of the twins, the ladies are all safe.

The night begins with everyone assuming Dave is going home.  Kalon decides that he wants Ryan to go home because Ryan is not on his side — in just about every way imaginable.  He sets Lindzi on a mission to send Ryan home.  She happily gets Jaclyn, Lindzi, Rachel, Blakeley to vote for Ryan.  Meanwhile, Reid doesn’t like that Ed and Chris are scheming together.  He tries to get Sarah (yes, the girl that just hooked up with him), Donna and Erica to vote him out.  If Jamie votes Reid’s way, Ed will go home.  For some reason, Sarah tells Ed that she voted for him.  She then breaks down in tears once she realizes she has voted for the only guy she hooked up with.  

The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to Ryan and Ed.  Ed gets the rose.  Yes, Jamie voted for her own partner.  Now she’s left with trying to pry Chris away from Blakeley or teaming up with Dave.  

Here’s what Ryan said in the car, “Boring, boring, boring.  Boring boring.  Boring, boring boring.”
****

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Premiere - A Review

Bachelor Pad is back and Chris Harrison promises that it will be the craziest season yet.  Plus, they’ve invited Bachelor and Bachelorette fans to join the show this season — as if that’s not what all of these people were in the first place.

The Contestants
Chris — You remember Chris.  We just watched him rage out on everyone for no reason on Emily’s The Men Tell All episode.  He’s the first to arrive and he reveals that he has a crush on Lindzi.

Lindzi — She’s the girl who lost to Courtney on Ben’s season.  She’s still wearing so much makeup she’s practically claymation.  

Reid — He was the runner-up on Jillian’s season.  He lost Jillian to Ed.  He’s also Dee’s favorite.  She claps when he shows up.

Ed — He won Jillian’s season then cheated on her.  He fully admits to this.  He does this douchey thing where he keeps pretending that he doesn’t know what he’s doing there.

Blakeley — From Ben’s season.  She was the crazy “VIP Cocktail Waitress.”  Now she waxes vaginas for a living.  She thinks Jaclyn is a friend.  

Jaclyn — From Ben’s season.  She is not Blakeley’s friend.  In fact, she is certain that she will go farther than Blakeley “because I actually have a college degree.”  However, she plans to keep Blakeley around so they can torture her.  Clearly, she’s this season’s bitch.  

Kalon — They couldn’t resist bringing in the asshole from Emily’s season.  I’m actually excited about this.  He’s comfortable in the villain role.  He says, “I’m going to ruin your fucking summer.”  Please do.

Nick — From Ashley’s season.  Completely unremarkable.

Rachel — From Ben’s season.  She seems to be in league with the bitches.  At the very least she’s part of Team Hate Blakeley.

Sarah — From Brad’s 1st season.  No one remembers her because he went home on the third episode (which she has to explain).  She says, “I think it’s annoying that the fans are here.”  No, you think it’s annoying the fans don’t know who the fuck you are.

Ryan — From DeAnna’s season.  He was the 28-year-old virgin.  Now he’s the 32-year-old virgin.  He also doesn’t drink.  He’s going to be a blast.

Tony — From Emily’s season.  He went home crying about his kid.  Apparently he’s over that.

Jamie — She’s the crazy awkward kisser from Ben’s season.  She’s wearing makeup like a clown and Harry Potter may hop on one of her eyebrows and fly away to play some Quiddich.

Michael — You know him from about six different seasons of all of the shows.  He won Bachelor Pad last season.  He claims to be there “for the love” this time.

Erica Rose — From every single season of Bachelor Pad ever.  She knows Kalon.  There is bad blood between them.  Surprise.  

Kalon — Drives up in a Porsche and hands the keys to Chris Harrison.  Most people don’t know who he is because this was being filmed before Emily’s season aired.  Erica wastes no time letting people know.  

The Fans
Paige — She’s from New York and she’s hoping Chris is on the show.  She’s starstruck which will totally annoy everyone.  She immediately tells Chris that she has a crush on him.

Chris “SWAT” — He’s a SWAT officer which is why he’s called Chris “SWAT.”  When he arrives, he takes a picture with Chris Harrison.  His time here will be short.

Donna — The sexy one.  Her intro video is all tits and ass.  That also happens to be the only reason she’ll last longer than three episodes on this show.  The other girls immediately start talking trash about her as soon as she walks in.

David — He’s an MMA fighter.  He’s also tiny.

Brittany and Erica T. — They are twins and they will be playing as one person.  They are dumb and shallow — even by Bachelor Pad standards.  Erica is a virgin and Brittany is most definitely not.  An example of their idiocy: One says, “We have an advantage because we have each other.  They are every man for themselves and we are every man for ourselves.”  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, annoying and dumb.

The Party
Ed is wasted.  He strips down and jumps into the pool in his underwear.  This is meant to imply that things are getting crazy but it seems like everyone else has managed to keep it together.

Chris Harrison rounds up the crew to explain the show.  Win a competition, get a rose and take someone on a date.  The ladies vote out the guys.  The guys vote out the ladies.  The twins will vote as one and they take turns competing.  Chris informs them they will be competing in tomorrow’s competition as couples.

They immediately begin to pair off.  Reid chooses Paige and Erica quickly chooses Nick because, “I do not want to be partners with any of the fans.  It would be like inviting the help to sleep in your bed.”  Yes, she just said “the help.”

Chris and Blakeley pair up.  When Chris tells her that he’s going to “make sure the other girls aren’t mad at him,” she freaks out.  She’s clearly going for some kind of world record of crazy.

Kalon picks Donna, David pairs up with the twins, Michael and Sarah pair off, Tony and Lindzi team up, and Jaclyn is stuck with a super-drunk Ed.  There are other pairings but they don’t bother to show us who.

The Competition
The couples have to climb into a giant heart and stay in as long as possible.  The hearts are connected to a crane and will slowly tilt.  The couple who stays in the longest wins the roses and the first couple to fall out will receive one vote against each of them.

Erica and Nick fall out almost immediately.  Surprisingly, Erica is annoyed at someone other than herself.

The final two couples are Brittany (a twin) and David and Reid and Paige.  Brittany and David manage to hang on.  Everyone else is pissed because they were all planning on sending the twins home.

The Date — David, Brittany and Erica
They go to a boardwalk and ride a bunch of carnival rides.  As they ride the rides, David compares them to the rides contestants went on during their dates.  Then they go skinny dipping.  The clips of the date didn’t even last as long as it took me to type this.

Back at the House
Jamie pulls Chris out of the pool and asks him to chat.  They head to a private room to make out.  Jaclyn informs Blakeley of the situation.  They search the house.  Blakeley breaks in on Chris and Jamie making out.  Chris claims they were just talking.  Time for Blakeley to spin into crazy mode.  Crying, she says, “He’s not my boyfriend but I care enough about him to not disrespect him.”

The Scheming
Dave tells Erica he plans to vote her out.  Because he is an idiot.  This kicks Erica into full bitch mode.  She says to David, “I think you are an ugly loser and your plan is not going to work and that you doesn’t deserve to be there.”  She’s disgusted that “a fan is doing this to her.”

It’s now fans against “veterans” and the fans are badly outnumbered.  SWAT is basically fucked because none of the girls are going to vote Nick over him.

Erica rallies the guys to vote Paige out.  When Reid discovers that Paige is likely going home, he tries to save her.  He doesn’t have to work hard to convince Kalon to vote for Erica but he completely forgets to talk to SWAT.  SWAT is the wildcard.  He’s pissed that the other fans fucked him but he also knows they are his only possible allies.

The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to SWAT and Nick for the guys and Erica and Paige for the girls.

Nick and Erica get the roses.  SWAT and Paige go home.  Next on the chopping block, Dave and the twins.  Then we’ll truly see how long Donna’s T&A can keep her around.
****

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette Finalé - A Review

Look, Bachelor Pad starts tomorrow and I’m not going to write two of these in two days.  Instead, I’m going to go read a book and make some predictions about what will happen.
  • We’ll hear Chris Harrison say, “This is most dramatic finalé in Bachelorette history,” about 200 times.
  • Emily’s family will claim to be skeptical of the process but they’ll totally approve of both guys.
  • Emily will give about 20 overwrought speeches about how hard this is because she’s a single mother.
  • Emily, Arie and Jef will all stand on a balcony and stare into the distance while we hear a voice over of their thoughts.  If we’re lucky, we’ll get a shot of one of them shedding a single tear.
  • Arie and Emily will make out like crazy.  It will be gross.
  • Emily will cry when she sits down to talk with Chris Harrison.  You know, because she always does.
  • Every commercial break will include a preview for Bachelor Pad.
  • My wife will fall asleep about halfway through the episode.
  • Some guy named Dave will show up and sweep her off her feet with a daring proposal that she accepts.
  • Emily and Jef will break up within six months.

****

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All - A Review

This week the men tell all.  Oooooooh.  Will Ryan act betrayed?  Will Kalon get piled on by everyone?  Will I stop asking questions that everyone already knows the answer to?

Chris Harrison informs us that the season finalé is airing next Sunday and it will be a fucking THREE HOUR event.  Are you kidding me?  We don’t need three hours for a fucking proposal.  We need even less for a non-proposal.

After some reruns of Ryan’s and Kalon’s more ridiculous moments, they show some unaired clips.  There is a reason they didn’t air.  They are all a complete waste of time.

Preview of Bachelor Pad
I’m not going to write about the preview because I’ll be writing about the show when it airs.

The Guys
Most of the guys are back.  We get Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie, Stevie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John, Tony, Chris and Sean.  What about Kyle, Jackson, Jean-Paul (yeah, there was a dude named Jean-Paul this season), David, Brent, Marcus and Lerone?  I only made up one of those names.  Can you guess which one?

Every time Chris Harrison says Sean’s name, the ladies in the crowd go wild.  In fact, Chris has to tell the audience to stop screaming otherwise this show will last “three days.”  Chris throws to the clips of all of the drama between Doug, Ryan, Kalon and Chris.

Chris (not Harrison) leads it off by saying that he was so head over heels in love with Emily that he went a little crazy.  When the maturity discussion comes up again, Doug rolls his eyes and says, “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again.”  Hulk is delightfully condescending.  Chris has zero sense of humor so he decides to turn the focus to Ryan.  Ryan doesn’t even bother to defend himself.  He just laughs it off.  Kalon defends Ryan by saying every guy — if they are being honest — was threatened by Ryan’s relationship with Emily.  Kalon opening his mouth is all the guys need to start piling on.  Stevie (the one who looks like a rat) says, “I called it from the start that you weren’t here for the right reasons.”  Congratulations, Stevie.  You managed to identify the most obvious asshole in the room on the first day.  You’re a fucking oracle.

Hot Seat — Kalon
When Chris Harrison invites him to the hot seat, he gets booed.  We see the clips of all the terrible things he said.  Chris Harrison asks, “Why did you come on the show?” 
Kalon says, “Once I found out that Emily was on the show it was a big issue that she had a child but I was already committed.”  Also, he really wanted to be on TV.  When Kalon explains that he didn’t respond well to the environment, Joe interrupts and says, “You were just there for the glitz and the glamor.”  Says the guy who signed up to be one of 25 guys to date one woman on TV.  Everyone just piles on with the usual shit you would expect.  It’s kinda pathetic.  

Look, I know that Kalon is an asshole, his “baggage” comment was out of line and he handled the aftermath poorly but continuing to beat him down for it is boring.  Picking on Kalon is like being the guy at the party who gets laughs making worn-out jokes about marriage being like prison.  It’s easy and uninventive and just makes you look dumb to anyone who actually uses their brain.

Hot Seat — Ryan
Chris Harrison calls him “one of the most hated men in the house.”  He wasn’t one of the most hated.  I think they all just thought he was ridiculous.  Except Chris.  Chris hates him.  We see the clips of all the ridiculous things he said.  When they get to the clip of Emily sending him home, Chris shouts, “SEE YA!”  Really?  You’ve spent the whole show defending your maturity and you do that?  The clips end with his speech about not being edited to look like an “arrogant ass.”  Chris Harrison says, “There are people who think you are an arrogant ass.”  

Ryan replies, “I’m confident in myself and the way God made me.  When I see these things, I know the context in which those things were being said.”  
Chris Harrison replies, “Yeah, but who says those things?” 

Chris starts, “I was confused a little bit.”  Ryan interrupts and Chris fights with him about how it’s his turn to talk and… WILL SOMEONE JUST SHOOT CHRIS IN THE FUCKING FACE?  RIGHT NOW.  SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.  Eventually, Chris asks Ryan if he could really see himself proposing to Emily at the end of this.  Ryan says, “It wasn’t about Emily.  It was about me finding my wife.”  The crowd applauds.  I love what he’s doing here.  It’s entirely possible that I’ll come away from this liking Kalon and Ryan way better than any of the other guys.  Chris continues to make a fool of himself by trying to pick on Ryan.  Seriously, Chris needs to go.

Hot Seat — Chris
Oh, great.  We get more of this pouty asshole.  The clip package focuses mostly on him being pissed about everything and the fact that he has no sense of humor.  Chris Harrison asks, “Do you anger quickly?” 
Chris says, “If there’s something I really believe in, I’ll do anything in the world to fight for it.  If it looks like I’m coming off angry, that’s how I come off.”  What is it exactly that you’re fighting for tonight?  You’re coming off real angry.  Harrison asks him if he is ready to fall in love again.  Chris says, “I’m looking forward to falling in love with that right girl.”  Which is why he’s doing Bachelor Pad.  

Hot Seat — Sean
Sean’s clip package is super boring.  You know, because he’s super boring.  Which is why he’d be the perfect fit for Emily.  Absolutely nothing interesting happens during his interview because Chris Harrison is too busy trying to make him look good in case they want to make him the next Bachelor.  

Hot Seat — Emily
Chris Harrison calls her, “One of the most popular Bachelorettes ever.”  Really?  Well, I guess Kim Kardashian is super popular, too.  

They spend way too much time letting Emily and Sean say nice things about each other.  We don’t care.  Get to the Kalon stuff.

Emily says her only regret is that she didn’t give Doug the group date rose the night she found out about Kalon’s “baggage” comment.  She says, “If not for Doug, I could be engaged to Kalon.”  Really Pander Bear?  After all your talk of treating people right, you’re also going to take cheap shots?  You won.  Let it go.  Kalon says, “Obviously, I’m sorry for the way things transpired between us.  You look very, very happy and I’m happy for you.  I am trying to use it as a growing experience in my future relationships and I really wish the best for you.”  

Emily replies, “And you my dear should be a politician because that’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.”  The crowd goes wild because they are a bunch of brainless idiots.  She then says, “I think that the true sign of class is that you can go back and say I’m truly sorry.”  Didn’t he just say he was sorry?  That’s all he can do.  If you don’t believe him, that’s your problem.

I guess I’m assuming too much when I ask these attention-starved people to use their brains.

Bloopers
I’m not going to describe the bloopers.  Also, they are the lamest bloopers in the history of bloopers.

Chris Harrison closes the show by saying to Emily, “Normally, I would ask how things are going but I’m not going to.  Everyone will have to tune in this Sunday.”  Gee, thanks, buddy.  Can’t we just start Bachelor Pad already?
****

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #9 - A Review

Emily is in Curacao this week.  So are the guys.  I’m pretty sure they all had a session on how to pronounce Curacao.

We get ten minutes of Emily talking about the guys and how hard her decision will be.  I know that we’re wasting two hours of our life by watching this show, but this ten minutes is like a time vortex.  We sat here for ten minutes but we lost about three hours from our lives.  At one point she says, “I call Arie ‘Sweet Arie’ because he is.”  Also, because you’re not creative enough to come up with something clever. 

How many times are we going to hear her say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to make the wrong choice.”  Guess what, you signed up for The Bachelorette.  You’ve guaranteed that you’re going to hurt someone and that you are going to make the wrong choice.  Let’s not pretend you didn’t know this was coming.

First Date — Sean
Before the date Emily says, “He’s the only one who hasn’t said, ‘I love you’ yet.”  She’s clearly pissed about it.

Helicopter?  Is that you?  Helicopter is back!  I missed you, Helicopter.  You’ve changed.  Is that a new paint job?  I like it.  I makes you look sleek.  I didn’t think you were going to show up for this season.  Helicopter flies them around Curacao.  I love that everyone thinks flying around in Helicopter and talking to each other over radios is so romantic.  They’ve clearly never had a loving relationship with Helicopter.  They land on an uninhabited island to “just hang out.”

They have some awkward conversation about how Sean treated past girlfriends as buddies and she asks him about some things his sister said, but she’s mostly fishing for him to say “I love you.”  He knows it but he just won’t say it.  I can feel us losing two minutes for every actual minute of this.

They have dinner on the beach.  Emily calls him “the perfect man.”  She’s clearly drunk.  He tells her he wants to be a good dad to Ricki.  In fact, he wrote Ricki a letter.  It says something about how he’ll be her dad but he won’t ever be her dad and his is heart is swollen with love or something.  I can barely pay attention to this anymore.  She’s so clearly not into him that she should just send him home now.
Instead she asks, “At the end of all this do you see yourself at a point where you could get engaged?”  Could she have worded that more awkwardly?  She’s separated herself about as far from that scenario as possible.  He replies, “I would love to propose.”  Eventually he finally says, “I have fallen in love with you.”  Too late, buddy.

She gives him the Fantasy Suite card and key.  He says, “I would love the chance to stay up and just spend time with you and talk to you and no distractions.”  Yes, he finished that sentence with, “…and no distractions.”  He’s really making it clear that he does not want to have sex with her.

They jump into the hot tub.  They make out for a while and she sends him home.  You know, because she’s a mom and she can’t be seen spending the night with someone.  Hardcore make out sessions are okay, apparently.

Second Date — Jef
Jef says he’s “not 100% sure that it’s going to work out.”  He has some questions he needs answered.
He and Emily take a boat to a cove where they jump off of things.

They also have dinner on the beach.   Jef begins his questioning.  He asks, “If you see us being together, where would you want to live?”  She tells him that she’d move to wherever he was.  Because anywhere is better than Charlotte.  He then asks, “You are an amazing girl and you attract amazing guys.  Why do you think that it hasn’t worked out yet?”  
She says, “If you don’t have that unspoken… you know?”  Nope, we don’t know.  We want an actual answer.  The correct answer is that she did find something that worked out but he died in a plane crash.  Or has she completely forgotten the father of child?  

His final question: “It’s about Ricki.  You know her better than anyone.  You know me pretty well.  Do you think I’m a good fit for her as a dad?”  She tells him that she thought of him while she was getting Ricki ready for school.  I guess that’s a yes.

She offers him the Fantasy Suite card.  He says that he thinks it would be great to go to the Fantasy Suite but Ricki is going to be watching and his family is going to be watching.  So he politely declines.  She responds by telling him that they should go to just hang out but not spend the night.  They make out and then he goes home. 

Third Date — Arie
As soon as Arie shows up, they start making out.  

They hop on a boat to swim with the dolphins.  Emily is scared but not so scared that she won’t make out with Arie while the dolphins are around.  Then they make out some more.  When she asks him what his favorite moments were, he mentions all the times they made out.  I’m beginning to think their relationship is based solely on making out.  Oh, wait.  It is.

They have dinner at a restaurant.  What?  No beach?  When they sit down Arie toasts “to an amazing day and an even better night.”  Yeah, he’s lookin’ to bone.

Emily says to him, “I feel really close to you but I don’t really know what you do on a Tuesday morning.”  He tells her about his day which is surprisingly boring for a race car driver.

Arie asks her, “Where do you picture us?  How do you see us visiting each other or choosing a place to live?”  She tells him the same thing she told Jef.  She’ll move to wherever he is.  Also, she’ll have dinner waiting for him and she’ll wear whatever he tells her to and she’ll always do the dishes but that he has to take out the trash and mow the lawn.  She’s a big fan of traditional gender roles.

He asks, “What are your expectations for a father figure?”  She says, “I want someone who will love her as a daughter and be her father figure.”  He tells her that the relationship will be a slow progression and he’ll have to be Ricki’s friend before he could ever be her dad.  Yep, that’s usually how that relationship works.

Emily doesn’t trust herself with Arie in the Fantasy Suite so she doesn’t offer him the card.  She does take some time to seriously make out with him before he goes.  Like face eating make out.

Meeting with Chris
We have to listen to Emily whine about making a damn decision.  Like she didn’t know this was coming.

Chris reminds her that this is the last Rose Ceremony.  He asks what’s going through her mind.  She says that she’s sad.  When he asks why, she says, “Because I’ve had so much fun.”  I think she’s more sad that the show — and her fame — is coming to an end.

Chris tells her that each of the guys have made a personal video for her.  Then she cries about how hard this all is.  Where’s the joy for being that much closer to picking the guy you’re going to marry?  She fools you with her easy smile, but she’s always looking for the negative in a situation.  Stop whining and make a damn choice. 

She watches the videos.  They’re all basically the same thing.  The guys telling her they love her.  Arie says, “My heart is always racing to you.”  I’m always racing to the trash can to barf at your lame lines.

Emily says, “I know you have to go through heartbreak to find love, but I don’t want to be the person to teach that lesson to someone.”  Finally, she’s admitting that she just feels terrible for dumping someone.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Now get over it and make your choice.

The Rose Ceremony
Emily tells the guys she can picture her fairy tale ending with each of them, but she has to make a decision.  She’s managed to stop crying about it for a few seconds.  Jef gets the first rose and Arie gets the final rose.  Sean goes home.

She walks Sean out.  They sit down on a bench in silence for a while.  Eventually, Sean says, “I’m not sure what to say.”  
Emily asks, “What are you thinking about?”  
Sean says, “I feel kinda stupid because I knew with certainty that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.  I think you should know that it’s going to hurt me.”  
Emily says, “I wanted it to be you so bad.”  
Sean says, “I care about you and if this is what’s best for you then you have to do what’s best for you.”

Sean doesn’t say anything in the car.  He looks like he’s going to cry but doesn’t.  Eventually he says, “I had this beautiful picture of what my life was going to look like and now it’s gone.”  He’s sad and embarrassed.  And lucky.

Next week is the Guys Tell All episode where everyone will pick on Kalon.  I can’t wait.
****

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

The Bachelorette Episode #8 - A Review

It’s hometown week.  Emily gets to visit each of the guys in his hometown.  That’s why they call it hometown week.  You know, because of all the hometowns.  

Emily does a retrospective on each of the guys.  You know, in case someone is tuning in for the first time for the hometown dates.  Because that happens.  This show is best when Emily is talking the least.  When she talks, I get real sleepy.  This is a waste of our time.

In fact, during this part of the show I imagined this conversation happening between Emily and Ricki:
Ricki: Mommy, what is your job?
Emily: I make out with guys for a living.

Emily ends the retrospective with, “If things go well, I could really be in love with one of them.”  Yes, because the best love is always conditional.

Chris — Chicago
Chris meets Emily at the Water Tower even though his family lives way out in the ‘burbs.  Emily says, “I’m happy that you’re planning it and that I can just sit back and I don’t have to do anything.”  Right, like she was planning any of the dates.

Chris tells us that his family is Polish.  A Polish family in Chicago?  I don’t believe it.  He takes her to a Polish bar.  Great plan, Chris.  They discuss their talk at the Rose Ceremony last week.  He says he felt like a dick.  I bet he feels that way a lot.  He gives her a quick rundown of his family and says, “If it goes well I would absolutely tell her that I love her.”  If it goes well?  Yep, people are finding lasting love on this show.

My favorite part of every hometown date is watching the sisters try to subtly audition for the show.  
Emily sits down with Chris’s dad, John.  She asks him if Chris is ready to be a father.  He says, “I’m not afraid of him being there for you and Ricki.  What is most important in a marriage is the love you have for each other.  Chris has that.”  Feels like he skirted the question though I think he mostly just didn’t understand it.

Chris tells his mom he was a “hot mess” before the last Rose Ceremony.  She tells him that he may get hurt but that if he “really loves this woman you have to go out there and kick ass and fight.”  Yes, we need more ass-kicking.  This show is terribly boring right now.

Chris’s sister, Renee asks Emily, “What is it about Chris?”  Emily says, “He’s open and vulnerable and he puts himself out there.  I really like that.”  Renee then asks Emily to end it sooner than later if he’s not the one.  Don’t worry, Renee.  We all know it’s going to be over very soon.

Chris’s dad tells him that Emily is falling in love with Chris.  Chris says, “Really?”  I also say, “Really?”  Did I miss the part where she said that?  I definitely missed the part where she said that because she didn’t say that.  

Chris tells Emily that he loves her.  I guess things went well.  He then takes her out to the back porch and there is a Polish folk band playing and the whole family dances and celebrates.  Emily is clearly just waiting for this all to be over.

Jef — St. George, Utah
He meets her at the gate of his enormous ranch.  They get into a dirt buggy and tear off onto a dirt track.  He takes her out to a shooting range to fire some guns.  He thinks he’s showing off and impressing her by hitting every clay target he launches.  After each hit, he looks at her like, “Look what I can do.”  He gives her some pointers and then she hits every single clay target.  This is the first interesting thing she’s done in the whole show.  To the camera, she admits that she takes shooting lessons in Charlotte.  Jef says, “Emily looks really hot with a gun.  I just want her to hold a gun all the time.”  Kinky.  

Okay, we get it.  Emily is nervous about impressing Jef’s family.  Please stop smashing chairs over our backs with it.

Steve, Jef’s older brother, is going to play the tough dad role.  He asks Emily, “Is your life built on sound principles and do you have the same goals?”  What the fuck are you talking about?  What does “sound principles” mean?  Let’s not assume that we’re working from the same definition of “sound principles.”  For all we know, you include magic underwear in your list of “sound principles.”  Explain to her what the fuck you are talking about.  Stop having a conversation without her while she’s sitting right there.  I hate this motherfucker and his fucking platitudes.  Okay, rant over.

After he done saying nothing at all, Steve then asks, “A situation like this can put you in love but what do you feel it takes to stay in love?”
Emily replies, “You have to go into it knowing that there will be some times that you really don’t like each other but that you still love each other.”

In the end Steve tells her that she would be the perfect type of person for Jef.  Congratulations, Steve.  You solved the case.

Jef’s sisters tell Emily that he’s a hopeless romantic.  Emily’s biggest fear is that he won’t be ready to be a husband and father.  They hesitate but say they think he’s ready with the right girl.  Then the dark haired sister speaks and I’m forced to press pause and chuckle at the TV while I say, “Oh, she’s a dumb, dumb, dummy.  Just really, really dumb, dumb, dumb.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  Also, dumb.”  The third sister asks if she is falling in love with Jef.  Emily says that she is but that she’s careful about putting that out there.

Now it’s Steve’s turn to play dad with Jef.  Jef says, “I’m totally falling for her.”  Steve tells him that he has no doubt that he could fall for her but that he’s never seen him want the family thing.  Jef says it just seems natural to do those kinds of things.  That’s good enough for Steve.  He gives Jef his blessing.

Jef takes Emily to an overlook and tells her that he wrote down “a bunch of stuff” and he wants to read it do her.  He says, “I realize that I am completely in love with everything about you.  I love how funny you are and how funny we are together.”  What?  Is that for Emily or for some other funny girl on the show?  I think he meant, “I love how gun-shooty you are and how gun-shooty we are together.”

Arie — Scottsdale, Arizona
Of course, Arie has Emily meet him at a racetrack.  She arrives just in time to see Arie is driving his IndyCar.  She’s totally creaming her panties.  She says he looks “stupid hot” in his racing suit.  Correct, he looks both stupid and hot.  I mean, who wears a full body suit in Arizona?  Emily then suits up and goes for a ride with him in the IndyCar.

Look, I don’t do a whole lot of research for this, but I feel real dumb that I didn’t put together that he’s Arie Luyendyk, Jr.  I remember watching his dad at the Indy 500 in the ‘90s.  This should have registered long ago.  I’m losing it.  Arie warns Emily that his parents are very European.  She’s suddenly nervous.  

When she meets the family, they joke about her accent.  Oh, do those Dutch ever stop joking around?  There’s some other small talk, then Arie’s mom says something in Dutch and Arie replies in Dutch.  Oh, fuck you guys.  That’s walk-out worthy.  Arie’s dad says in English, “They are talking about you.”  Then the conversation continues in Dutch and Emily just sits there.  What a bunch of dicks.  Eventually, Arie stops it and explains that she asked how things are going so far and he said that things are going perfectly.  I don’t believe that’s all they said.  

Arie’s mom asks Emily what happened on the last show.  Emily says that she didn’t ask the right questions.  Emily asks if Arie can balance being a race car driver and a husband and father.  Mom says that it is a tough life but it can be done.  She and Arie, Sr. have been married for 31 years.  Mom then says that she can tell that Arie has fallen for her.  In her testimonial, Arie’s mom says, “I can’t wait for Emily to choose him and they can be together because they would make an awesome couple.”

Arie tells his dad that he could propose to her right now.  Arie, Sr. says she’s a great woman and that he loves her “little southern accent.”

Arie closes it all by saying, “I’m definitely going to marry Emily and I don’t think of it any other way.”

Sean — Dallas
Sean waits for Emily in the park with his dogs.  They take a walk and steal some flowers from the park.  She asks how many girls he’s introduced to his parents.  He says, “Not a lot.”  He tells her about a girl he dated for three years but he didn’t “put it all out there.”  After that, he promised himself that he wouldn’t let a girl give herself to him if he didn’t do the same for her.  

Holy shit.  There is an enormous kids play house in his parents’ back yard.  Big enough for Emily to stand up in.  I really hope Sean reveals that is where he lives.  Instead, he tells her that he still lives with his parents.  He takes her to his room and it’s a huge mess and there are a ton of stuffed animals.  He then lamely reveals that it’s all a big joke.  She doesn’t seem amused.

Sean’s dad, Jay, asks him, “Is there something about her that you really like?”  Sean says, “You can just tell that she’s a sweet, sweet woman.  I don’t usually give myself to a woman but she’s changed that.”  Dad is on board.  He clearly just wants Sean to get married already.

Dad asks Emily about their first connection.  She says it was how much he talked about his family.  He says, “We hope we see you a whole bunch.”  It’s safe to say that Jay has given his stamp of approval.  
Sean talks to his mom, but it’s boring and stupid so I’ll spare you.

As Emily drives away, Sean runs after the truck to give her another kiss.  It didn’t feel staged at all.  

Meeting with Chris
Emily meets with Chris Harrison to recap the show that we’ve seen up to this point.  I guess Bachelorette fans like re-runs in soft focus.

My favorite part is when she tells Chris that Chris said that he loves her and Chris says that’s a big step for Chris.  I’ll let you figure out which Chris is which in that sentence.

Chris Harrison asks her, “Do you have any idea what you’re going to do tonight?”  
Emily says, “No.”

Yes she does.  She’s sending Chris home.  Not Chris Harrison.

The Rose Ceremony
One guy goes home.  That guy is Chris.

Emily says to Chris, “I don’t know what to say.”  
Chris says, “I’m actually shocked.  Is there an explanation?”  
Emily says, “I don’t have an explanation.”   
Chris says, “I don’t understand.”  
Emily tells him, “The other relationships just grew deeper and faster.”  
Chris gets pissy and says, “How much faster could they be?  I told you I loved you.”  That right there.  That’s why you’re going home.  

In the car he says, “I’m ten times the man than all those fucking dudes that are there.”  That’s also why you are going home.

I bet Chris is really going to miss Chris and I think Chris will miss Chris, too.
****