I missed the first ten minutes of the show because, you know, I don’t care.
When I joined the show, Michael was choreographing a rhythmic gymnastics routine with the guys and Erica was bitching about everything. I guess I didn’t miss a thing.
The men and women will each be performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine. Three judges will determine who was the best and worst from each group. The winners get a rose and a date. The losers get a vote against them.
The judges are Ashley and JP (from a previous season of The Bachelorette) and Tashsa Schwikert (an Olympic gymnast). When Ashley and JP come out Dee says, “Ugh. They never go away.”
The ladies perform first and they are awful. In the season’s biggest shocker, Erica doesn’t even try. Molecules bouncing around in a tea kettle are more organized than this performance.
The guys actually look like they know what they are doing. You know, for guys who have never done anything like this before. Michael is clearly in charge orchestrating the whole thing and there is no doubt he will win the rose.
The judges tag Erica and Ed as the worst. Once again, Erica has a vote against her. Can someone tell me what she brings to this show? In her three seasons she’s never won a competition or managed to get any man to take the slightest bit of interest in her.
Blakeley and Michael are declared the winners. They each get to take three people on their dates and they will award one rose at the end of the date.
Erica begs Michael to take her on the date and give her the rose. Why exactly would he do that? He tells her what she wants to hear and then promply invites Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on the date.
The Date — Michael, Rachel, Lindzi, Donna
They go to a theater for a concert by some band that sounds a lot like Nickelback. You know, awful. They never actually tell us the name of the band. Man, that band is gonna be pissed. Donna tries to get time in with Michael but Rachel moves in and starts making out with Michael. We don’t ever see Michael and Rachel talk to each other. They only make out.
Donna shows Michael a portrait she drew of him. He looks a little cartoony but otherwise it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Unless you’re the kind of person who gets embarrassed by drawing creepy fan art. Donna is very open about her crush. Michael says, “I wanted to give her something in return. You know, fulfill a bit of a fantasy for her. It’s sweet.” So nice of you to throw her a bone and give her the gift of you.
He gives the rose to Rachel.
Back at the House
Ryan makes a cake for Jamie’s birthday. He makes “birthday girl” out of Twizzlers and marshmallows on her bed. He’s pouring it on and Jaime doesn’t give a shit because she’s too busy battling Blakeley for Chris. Really? Chris is worth fighting over? You’re fighting over a 5-year-old, ladies.
Chris tells Jamie he has to stick with Blakeley simply because she won the challenge. Jamie buys it and says, “I can’t believe you like me so much.” Guess what, he doesn’t like you that much. He’ll trade you in for someone else in a heartbeat.
Chris then tells Blakeley that he is just using Jamie and he doesn’t have feelings for her. Chris and Blakeley go off to her bed to make out. Jamie finds them because she sleeps in the bunk above Blakeley. My favorite part of this is that they force adults to sleep in bunk beds.
The Date — Blakeley, Chris, Ed, Dave
Blakeley tells Chris that she wants to invite Dave on the date “to be nice.” Chris has no idea what the words “to be nice” mean so he gets pissed.
They will be racing soap box derby cars. There is absolutely zero context for this. They each pick out a car and decorate it. Chris quickly decorates his car so he can spend the rest of the time being a dick to Dave. He does take a few seconds to talk about how he’ll destroy everyone in the race, but mostly he’s just being a dick to Dave.
Ed wins the race. Dave finishes last. Of course, the race means nothing in the scheme of the game and in life in general.
In the evening, they hang out in the house the Bachelor or Bachelorette stays at when they film the show.
Dave tries to appeal to her status as the outsider on her season with Ben. He draws parallels to his situation. It’s the best play he’s got. He ends it by saying, “There’s only one thing I can offer you. My vote is yours. I’ll do whatever you say.” Well played, fanboy.
Ed asks Chris if he is in to Blakeley. Chris says that he’s into it for the money.
Blakeley asks Chris, “Are you in this with me?”
Chris says, “I could sit in a 8 by 8 storage room with you and be happy.”
Blakeley says, “Don’t be a smart ass.” She’s finally starting to catch on. Then she says, “I need to know right now if your are in this with me.”
Chris says, “100%.” And then he pouts like a child.
Blakeley thanks Dave for being a good fan but she gives the rose to Chris because no one wants to teach him a lesson.
The party is getting crazy. Girls are making out with each other. Dave is making out with one of the twins. Michael and Rachel are making out and Lindzi and Kalon are hitting it off. Ed and Jaclyn start hitting it off but Sarah decides that she needs to hook up so she takes off her top and jumps in the pool with Ed. They head to the bedroom. Under the sheets Sarah is doing something to him (I think we can safely assume it’s a blowjob) while he makes whooping noises for the whole house to hear.
The twins try to get Nick and Tony on their side but the twins just end up bickering with each other. Everyone goes to bed but the twins keep arguing. Britney decides she wants to go home but Erica wants to stay. At one point, one of them says, “Why are you doing this to us?” Their grasp of the English language is tenuous at best. Eventually, they decide to go home. Erica wakes Dave up to say goodbye. In response, Dave yawns.
In the morning, Dave has no memory of Erica saying goodbye and he is shocked they are gone. Strangely, he doesn’t seem disappointed.
Chris Harrison announces that with the departure of the twins, the ladies are all safe.
The night begins with everyone assuming Dave is going home. Kalon decides that he wants Ryan to go home because Ryan is not on his side — in just about every way imaginable. He sets Lindzi on a mission to send Ryan home. She happily gets Jaclyn, Lindzi, Rachel, Blakeley to vote for Ryan. Meanwhile, Reid doesn’t like that Ed and Chris are scheming together. He tries to get Sarah (yes, the girl that just hooked up with him), Donna and Erica to vote him out. If Jamie votes Reid’s way, Ed will go home. For some reason, Sarah tells Ed that she voted for him. She then breaks down in tears once she realizes she has voted for the only guy she hooked up with.
The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to Ryan and Ed. Ed gets the rose. Yes, Jamie voted for her own partner. Now she’s left with trying to pry Chris away from Blakeley or teaming up with Dave.
Here’s what Ryan said in the car, “Boring, boring, boring. Boring boring. Boring, boring boring.”