Bachelor Pad is back and Chris Harrison promises that it will be the craziest season yet. Plus, they’ve invited Bachelor and Bachelorette fans to join the show this season — as if that’s not what all of these people were in the first place.
Chris — You remember Chris. We just watched him rage out on everyone for no reason on Emily’s The Men Tell All episode. He’s the first to arrive and he reveals that he has a crush on Lindzi.
Lindzi — She’s the girl who lost to Courtney on Ben’s season. She’s still wearing so much makeup she’s practically claymation.
Reid — He was the runner-up on Jillian’s season. He lost Jillian to Ed. He’s also Dee’s favorite. She claps when he shows up.
Ed — He won Jillian’s season then cheated on her. He fully admits to this. He does this douchey thing where he keeps pretending that he doesn’t know what he’s doing there.
Blakeley — From Ben’s season. She was the crazy “VIP Cocktail Waitress.” Now she waxes vaginas for a living. She thinks Jaclyn is a friend.
Jaclyn — From Ben’s season. She is not Blakeley’s friend. In fact, she is certain that she will go farther than Blakeley “because I actually have a college degree.” However, she plans to keep Blakeley around so they can torture her. Clearly, she’s this season’s bitch.
Kalon — They couldn’t resist bringing in the asshole from Emily’s season. I’m actually excited about this. He’s comfortable in the villain role. He says, “I’m going to ruin your fucking summer.” Please do.
Nick — From Ashley’s season. Completely unremarkable.
Rachel — From Ben’s season. She seems to be in league with the bitches. At the very least she’s part of Team Hate Blakeley.
Sarah — From Brad’s 1st season. No one remembers her because he went home on the third episode (which she has to explain). She says, “I think it’s annoying that the fans are here.” No, you think it’s annoying the fans don’t know who the fuck you are.
Ryan — From DeAnna’s season. He was the 28-year-old virgin. Now he’s the 32-year-old virgin. He also doesn’t drink. He’s going to be a blast.
Tony — From Emily’s season. He went home crying about his kid. Apparently he’s over that.
Jamie — She’s the crazy awkward kisser from Ben’s season. She’s wearing makeup like a clown and Harry Potter may hop on one of her eyebrows and fly away to play some Quiddich.
Michael — You know him from about six different seasons of all of the shows. He won Bachelor Pad last season. He claims to be there “for the love” this time.
Erica Rose — From every single season of Bachelor Pad ever. She knows Kalon. There is bad blood between them. Surprise.
Kalon — Drives up in a Porsche and hands the keys to Chris Harrison. Most people don’t know who he is because this was being filmed before Emily’s season aired. Erica wastes no time letting people know.
Paige — She’s from New York and she’s hoping Chris is on the show. She’s starstruck which will totally annoy everyone. She immediately tells Chris that she has a crush on him.
Chris “SWAT” — He’s a SWAT officer which is why he’s called Chris “SWAT.” When he arrives, he takes a picture with Chris Harrison. His time here will be short.
Donna — The sexy one. Her intro video is all tits and ass. That also happens to be the only reason she’ll last longer than three episodes on this show. The other girls immediately start talking trash about her as soon as she walks in.
David — He’s an MMA fighter. He’s also tiny.
Brittany and Erica T. — They are twins and they will be playing as one person. They are dumb and shallow — even by Bachelor Pad standards. Erica is a virgin and Brittany is most definitely not. An example of their idiocy: One says, “We have an advantage because we have each other. They are every man for themselves and we are every man for ourselves.” Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, annoying and dumb.
Ed is wasted. He strips down and jumps into the pool in his underwear. This is meant to imply that things are getting crazy but it seems like everyone else has managed to keep it together.
Chris Harrison rounds up the crew to explain the show. Win a competition, get a rose and take someone on a date. The ladies vote out the guys. The guys vote out the ladies. The twins will vote as one and they take turns competing. Chris informs them they will be competing in tomorrow’s competition as couples.
They immediately begin to pair off. Reid chooses Paige and Erica quickly chooses Nick because, “I do not want to be partners with any of the fans. It would be like inviting the help to sleep in your bed.” Yes, she just said “the help.”
Chris and Blakeley pair up. When Chris tells her that he’s going to “make sure the other girls aren’t mad at him,” she freaks out. She’s clearly going for some kind of world record of crazy.
Kalon picks Donna, David pairs up with the twins, Michael and Sarah pair off, Tony and Lindzi team up, and Jaclyn is stuck with a super-drunk Ed. There are other pairings but they don’t bother to show us who.
The couples have to climb into a giant heart and stay in as long as possible. The hearts are connected to a crane and will slowly tilt. The couple who stays in the longest wins the roses and the first couple to fall out will receive one vote against each of them.
Erica and Nick fall out almost immediately. Surprisingly, Erica is annoyed at someone other than herself.
The final two couples are Brittany (a twin) and David and Reid and Paige. Brittany and David manage to hang on. Everyone else is pissed because they were all planning on sending the twins home.
The Date — David, Brittany and Erica
They go to a boardwalk and ride a bunch of carnival rides. As they ride the rides, David compares them to the rides contestants went on during their dates. Then they go skinny dipping. The clips of the date didn’t even last as long as it took me to type this.
Back at the House
Jamie pulls Chris out of the pool and asks him to chat. They head to a private room to make out. Jaclyn informs Blakeley of the situation. They search the house. Blakeley breaks in on Chris and Jamie making out. Chris claims they were just talking. Time for Blakeley to spin into crazy mode. Crying, she says, “He’s not my boyfriend but I care enough about him to not disrespect him.”
Dave tells Erica he plans to vote her out. Because he is an idiot. This kicks Erica into full bitch mode. She says to David, “I think you are an ugly loser and your plan is not going to work and that you doesn’t deserve to be there.” She’s disgusted that “a fan is doing this to her.”
It’s now fans against “veterans” and the fans are badly outnumbered. SWAT is basically fucked because none of the girls are going to vote Nick over him.
Erica rallies the guys to vote Paige out. When Reid discovers that Paige is likely going home, he tries to save her. He doesn’t have to work hard to convince Kalon to vote for Erica but he completely forgets to talk to SWAT. SWAT is the wildcard. He’s pissed that the other fans fucked him but he also knows they are his only possible allies.
The Rose Ceremony
It comes down to SWAT and Nick for the guys and Erica and Paige for the girls.
Nick and Erica get the roses. SWAT and Paige go home. Next on the chopping block, Dave and the twins. Then we’ll truly see how long Donna’s T&A can keep her around.