It’s hometown week. Emily gets to visit each of the guys in his hometown. That’s why they call it hometown week. You know, because of all the hometowns.
Emily does a retrospective on each of the guys. You know, in case someone is tuning in for the first time for the hometown dates. Because that happens. This show is best when Emily is talking the least. When she talks, I get real sleepy. This is a waste of our time.
In fact, during this part of the show I imagined this conversation happening between Emily and Ricki:
Ricki: Mommy, what is your job?
Emily: I make out with guys for a living.
Emily ends the retrospective with, “If things go well, I could really be in love with one of them.” Yes, because the best love is always conditional.
Chris — Chicago
Chris meets Emily at the Water Tower even though his family lives way out in the ‘burbs. Emily says, “I’m happy that you’re planning it and that I can just sit back and I don’t have to do anything.” Right, like she was planning any of the dates.
Chris tells us that his family is Polish. A Polish family in Chicago? I don’t believe it. He takes her to a Polish bar. Great plan, Chris. They discuss their talk at the Rose Ceremony last week. He says he felt like a dick. I bet he feels that way a lot. He gives her a quick rundown of his family and says, “If it goes well I would absolutely tell her that I love her.” If it goes well? Yep, people are finding lasting love on this show.
My favorite part of every hometown date is watching the sisters try to subtly audition for the show.
Emily sits down with Chris’s dad, John. She asks him if Chris is ready to be a father. He says, “I’m not afraid of him being there for you and Ricki. What is most important in a marriage is the love you have for each other. Chris has that.” Feels like he skirted the question though I think he mostly just didn’t understand it.
Chris tells his mom he was a “hot mess” before the last Rose Ceremony. She tells him that he may get hurt but that if he “really loves this woman you have to go out there and kick ass and fight.” Yes, we need more ass-kicking. This show is terribly boring right now.
Chris’s sister, Renee asks Emily, “What is it about Chris?” Emily says, “He’s open and vulnerable and he puts himself out there. I really like that.” Renee then asks Emily to end it sooner than later if he’s not the one. Don’t worry, Renee. We all know it’s going to be over very soon.
Chris’s dad tells him that Emily is falling in love with Chris. Chris says, “Really?” I also say, “Really?” Did I miss the part where she said that? I definitely missed the part where she said that because she didn’t say that.
Chris tells Emily that he loves her. I guess things went well. He then takes her out to the back porch and there is a Polish folk band playing and the whole family dances and celebrates. Emily is clearly just waiting for this all to be over.
Jef — St. George, Utah
He meets her at the gate of his enormous ranch. They get into a dirt buggy and tear off onto a dirt track. He takes her out to a shooting range to fire some guns. He thinks he’s showing off and impressing her by hitting every clay target he launches. After each hit, he looks at her like, “Look what I can do.” He gives her some pointers and then she hits every single clay target. This is the first interesting thing she’s done in the whole show. To the camera, she admits that she takes shooting lessons in Charlotte. Jef says, “Emily looks really hot with a gun. I just want her to hold a gun all the time.” Kinky.
Okay, we get it. Emily is nervous about impressing Jef’s family. Please stop smashing chairs over our backs with it.
Steve, Jef’s older brother, is going to play the tough dad role. He asks Emily, “Is your life built on sound principles and do you have the same goals?” What the fuck are you talking about? What does “sound principles” mean? Let’s not assume that we’re working from the same definition of “sound principles.” For all we know, you include magic underwear in your list of “sound principles.” Explain to her what the fuck you are talking about. Stop having a conversation without her while she’s sitting right there. I hate this motherfucker and his fucking platitudes. Okay, rant over.
After he done saying nothing at all, Steve then asks, “A situation like this can put you in love but what do you feel it takes to stay in love?”
Emily replies, “You have to go into it knowing that there will be some times that you really don’t like each other but that you still love each other.”
In the end Steve tells her that she would be the perfect type of person for Jef. Congratulations, Steve. You solved the case.
Jef’s sisters tell Emily that he’s a hopeless romantic. Emily’s biggest fear is that he won’t be ready to be a husband and father. They hesitate but say they think he’s ready with the right girl. Then the dark haired sister speaks and I’m forced to press pause and chuckle at the TV while I say, “Oh, she’s a dumb, dumb, dummy. Just really, really dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Also, dumb.” The third sister asks if she is falling in love with Jef. Emily says that she is but that she’s careful about putting that out there.
Now it’s Steve’s turn to play dad with Jef. Jef says, “I’m totally falling for her.” Steve tells him that he has no doubt that he could fall for her but that he’s never seen him want the family thing. Jef says it just seems natural to do those kinds of things. That’s good enough for Steve. He gives Jef his blessing.
Jef takes Emily to an overlook and tells her that he wrote down “a bunch of stuff” and he wants to read it do her. He says, “I realize that I am completely in love with everything about you. I love how funny you are and how funny we are together.” What? Is that for Emily or for some other funny girl on the show? I think he meant, “I love how gun-shooty you are and how gun-shooty we are together.”
Arie — Scottsdale, Arizona
Of course, Arie has Emily meet him at a racetrack. She arrives just in time to see Arie is driving his IndyCar. She’s totally creaming her panties. She says he looks “stupid hot” in his racing suit. Correct, he looks both stupid and hot. I mean, who wears a full body suit in Arizona? Emily then suits up and goes for a ride with him in the IndyCar.
Look, I don’t do a whole lot of research for this, but I feel real dumb that I didn’t put together that he’s Arie Luyendyk, Jr. I remember watching his dad at the Indy 500 in the ‘90s. This should have registered long ago. I’m losing it. Arie warns Emily that his parents are very European. She’s suddenly nervous.
When she meets the family, they joke about her accent. Oh, do those Dutch ever stop joking around? There’s some other small talk, then Arie’s mom says something in Dutch and Arie replies in Dutch. Oh, fuck you guys. That’s walk-out worthy. Arie’s dad says in English, “They are talking about you.” Then the conversation continues in Dutch and Emily just sits there. What a bunch of dicks. Eventually, Arie stops it and explains that she asked how things are going so far and he said that things are going perfectly. I don’t believe that’s all they said.
Arie’s mom asks Emily what happened on the last show. Emily says that she didn’t ask the right questions. Emily asks if Arie can balance being a race car driver and a husband and father. Mom says that it is a tough life but it can be done. She and Arie, Sr. have been married for 31 years. Mom then says that she can tell that Arie has fallen for her. In her testimonial, Arie’s mom says, “I can’t wait for Emily to choose him and they can be together because they would make an awesome couple.”
Arie tells his dad that he could propose to her right now. Arie, Sr. says she’s a great woman and that he loves her “little southern accent.”
Arie closes it all by saying, “I’m definitely going to marry Emily and I don’t think of it any other way.”
Sean — Dallas
Sean waits for Emily in the park with his dogs. They take a walk and steal some flowers from the park. She asks how many girls he’s introduced to his parents. He says, “Not a lot.” He tells her about a girl he dated for three years but he didn’t “put it all out there.” After that, he promised himself that he wouldn’t let a girl give herself to him if he didn’t do the same for her.
Holy shit. There is an enormous kids play house in his parents’ back yard. Big enough for Emily to stand up in. I really hope Sean reveals that is where he lives. Instead, he tells her that he still lives with his parents. He takes her to his room and it’s a huge mess and there are a ton of stuffed animals. He then lamely reveals that it’s all a big joke. She doesn’t seem amused.
Sean’s dad, Jay, asks him, “Is there something about her that you really like?” Sean says, “You can just tell that she’s a sweet, sweet woman. I don’t usually give myself to a woman but she’s changed that.” Dad is on board. He clearly just wants Sean to get married already.
Dad asks Emily about their first connection. She says it was how much he talked about his family. He says, “We hope we see you a whole bunch.” It’s safe to say that Jay has given his stamp of approval.
Sean talks to his mom, but it’s boring and stupid so I’ll spare you.
As Emily drives away, Sean runs after the truck to give her another kiss. It didn’t feel staged at all.
Meeting with Chris
Emily meets with Chris Harrison to recap the show that we’ve seen up to this point. I guess Bachelorette fans like re-runs in soft focus.
My favorite part is when she tells Chris that Chris said that he loves her and Chris says that’s a big step for Chris. I’ll let you figure out which Chris is which in that sentence.
Chris Harrison asks her, “Do you have any idea what you’re going to do tonight?”
Emily says, “No.”
Yes she does. She’s sending Chris home. Not Chris Harrison.
The Rose Ceremony
Emily says to Chris, “I don’t know what to say.”
Chris says, “I’m actually shocked. Is there an explanation?”
Emily says, “I don’t have an explanation.”
Chris says, “I don’t understand.”
Emily tells him, “The other relationships just grew deeper and faster.”
Chris gets pissy and says, “How much faster could they be? I told you I loved you.” That right there. That’s why you’re going home.
In the car he says, “I’m ten times the man than all those fucking dudes that are there.” That’s also why you are going home.
I bet Chris is really going to miss Chris and I think Chris will miss Chris, too.