Emily is in Curacao this week. So are the guys. I’m pretty sure they all had a session on how to pronounce Curacao.
We get ten minutes of Emily talking about the guys and how hard her decision will be. I know that we’re wasting two hours of our life by watching this show, but this ten minutes is like a time vortex. We sat here for ten minutes but we lost about three hours from our lives. At one point she says, “I call Arie ‘Sweet Arie’ because he is.” Also, because you’re not creative enough to come up with something clever.
How many times are we going to hear her say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to make the wrong choice.” Guess what, you signed up for The Bachelorette. You’ve guaranteed that you’re going to hurt someone and that you are going to make the wrong choice. Let’s not pretend you didn’t know this was coming.
First Date — Sean
Before the date Emily says, “He’s the only one who hasn’t said, ‘I love you’ yet.” She’s clearly pissed about it.
Helicopter? Is that you? Helicopter is back! I missed you, Helicopter. You’ve changed. Is that a new paint job? I like it. I makes you look sleek. I didn’t think you were going to show up for this season. Helicopter flies them around Curacao. I love that everyone thinks flying around in Helicopter and talking to each other over radios is so romantic. They’ve clearly never had a loving relationship with Helicopter. They land on an uninhabited island to “just hang out.”
They have some awkward conversation about how Sean treated past girlfriends as buddies and she asks him about some things his sister said, but she’s mostly fishing for him to say “I love you.” He knows it but he just won’t say it. I can feel us losing two minutes for every actual minute of this.
They have dinner on the beach. Emily calls him “the perfect man.” She’s clearly drunk. He tells her he wants to be a good dad to Ricki. In fact, he wrote Ricki a letter. It says something about how he’ll be her dad but he won’t ever be her dad and his is heart is swollen with love or something. I can barely pay attention to this anymore. She’s so clearly not into him that she should just send him home now.
Instead she asks, “At the end of all this do you see yourself at a point where you could get engaged?” Could she have worded that more awkwardly? She’s separated herself about as far from that scenario as possible. He replies, “I would love to propose.” Eventually he finally says, “I have fallen in love with you.” Too late, buddy.
She gives him the Fantasy Suite card and key. He says, “I would love the chance to stay up and just spend time with you and talk to you and no distractions.” Yes, he finished that sentence with, “…and no distractions.” He’s really making it clear that he does not want to have sex with her.
They jump into the hot tub. They make out for a while and she sends him home. You know, because she’s a mom and she can’t be seen spending the night with someone. Hardcore make out sessions are okay, apparently.
Second Date — Jef
Jef says he’s “not 100% sure that it’s going to work out.” He has some questions he needs answered.
He and Emily take a boat to a cove where they jump off of things.
They also have dinner on the beach. Jef begins his questioning. He asks, “If you see us being together, where would you want to live?” She tells him that she’d move to wherever he was. Because anywhere is better than Charlotte. He then asks, “You are an amazing girl and you attract amazing guys. Why do you think that it hasn’t worked out yet?”
She says, “If you don’t have that unspoken… you know?” Nope, we don’t know. We want an actual answer. The correct answer is that she did find something that worked out but he died in a plane crash. Or has she completely forgotten the father of child?
His final question: “It’s about Ricki. You know her better than anyone. You know me pretty well. Do you think I’m a good fit for her as a dad?” She tells him that she thought of him while she was getting Ricki ready for school. I guess that’s a yes.
She offers him the Fantasy Suite card. He says that he thinks it would be great to go to the Fantasy Suite but Ricki is going to be watching and his family is going to be watching. So he politely declines. She responds by telling him that they should go to just hang out but not spend the night. They make out and then he goes home.
Third Date — Arie
As soon as Arie shows up, they start making out.
They hop on a boat to swim with the dolphins. Emily is scared but not so scared that she won’t make out with Arie while the dolphins are around. Then they make out some more. When she asks him what his favorite moments were, he mentions all the times they made out. I’m beginning to think their relationship is based solely on making out. Oh, wait. It is.
They have dinner at a restaurant. What? No beach? When they sit down Arie toasts “to an amazing day and an even better night.” Yeah, he’s lookin’ to bone.
Emily says to him, “I feel really close to you but I don’t really know what you do on a Tuesday morning.” He tells her about his day which is surprisingly boring for a race car driver.
Arie asks her, “Where do you picture us? How do you see us visiting each other or choosing a place to live?” She tells him the same thing she told Jef. She’ll move to wherever he is. Also, she’ll have dinner waiting for him and she’ll wear whatever he tells her to and she’ll always do the dishes but that he has to take out the trash and mow the lawn. She’s a big fan of traditional gender roles.
He asks, “What are your expectations for a father figure?” She says, “I want someone who will love her as a daughter and be her father figure.” He tells her that the relationship will be a slow progression and he’ll have to be Ricki’s friend before he could ever be her dad. Yep, that’s usually how that relationship works.
Emily doesn’t trust herself with Arie in the Fantasy Suite so she doesn’t offer him the card. She does take some time to seriously make out with him before he goes. Like face eating make out.
Meeting with Chris
We have to listen to Emily whine about making a damn decision. Like she didn’t know this was coming.
Chris reminds her that this is the last Rose Ceremony. He asks what’s going through her mind. She says that she’s sad. When he asks why, she says, “Because I’ve had so much fun.” I think she’s more sad that the show — and her fame — is coming to an end.
Chris tells her that each of the guys have made a personal video for her. Then she cries about how hard this all is. Where’s the joy for being that much closer to picking the guy you’re going to marry? She fools you with her easy smile, but she’s always looking for the negative in a situation. Stop whining and make a damn choice.
She watches the videos. They’re all basically the same thing. The guys telling her they love her. Arie says, “My heart is always racing to you.” I’m always racing to the trash can to barf at your lame lines.
Emily says, “I know you have to go through heartbreak to find love, but I don’t want to be the person to teach that lesson to someone.” Finally, she’s admitting that she just feels terrible for dumping someone. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now get over it and make your choice.
The Rose Ceremony
She walks Sean out. They sit down on a bench in silence for a while. Eventually, Sean says, “I’m not sure what to say.”
Emily asks, “What are you thinking about?”
Sean says, “I feel kinda stupid because I knew with certainty that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I think you should know that it’s going to hurt me.”
Emily says, “I wanted it to be you so bad.”
Sean says, “I care about you and if this is what’s best for you then you have to do what’s best for you.”
Sean doesn’t say anything in the car. He looks like he’s going to cry but doesn’t. Eventually he says, “I had this beautiful picture of what my life was going to look like and now it’s gone.” He’s sad and embarrassed. And lucky.
Next week is the Guys Tell All episode where everyone will pick on Kalon. I can’t wait.