Look, Bachelor Pad starts tomorrow and I’m not going to write two of these in two days. Instead, I’m going to go read a book and make some predictions about what will happen.
- We’ll hear Chris Harrison say, “This is most dramatic finalé in Bachelorette history,” about 200 times.
- Emily’s family will claim to be skeptical of the process but they’ll totally approve of both guys.
- Emily will give about 20 overwrought speeches about how hard this is because she’s a single mother.
- Emily, Arie and Jef will all stand on a balcony and stare into the distance while we hear a voice over of their thoughts. If we’re lucky, we’ll get a shot of one of them shedding a single tear.
- Arie and Emily will make out like crazy. It will be gross.
- Emily will cry when she sits down to talk with Chris Harrison. You know, because she always does.
- Every commercial break will include a preview for Bachelor Pad.
- My wife will fall asleep about halfway through the episode.
- Some guy named Dave will show up and sweep her off her feet with a daring proposal that she accepts.
- Emily and Jef will break up within six months.