Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All - A Review

This week the men tell all.  Oooooooh.  Will Ryan act betrayed?  Will Kalon get piled on by everyone?  Will I stop asking questions that everyone already knows the answer to?

Chris Harrison informs us that the season finalé is airing next Sunday and it will be a fucking THREE HOUR event.  Are you kidding me?  We don’t need three hours for a fucking proposal.  We need even less for a non-proposal.

After some reruns of Ryan’s and Kalon’s more ridiculous moments, they show some unaired clips.  There is a reason they didn’t air.  They are all a complete waste of time.

Preview of Bachelor Pad
I’m not going to write about the preview because I’ll be writing about the show when it airs.

The Guys
Most of the guys are back.  We get Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie, Stevie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John, Tony, Chris and Sean.  What about Kyle, Jackson, Jean-Paul (yeah, there was a dude named Jean-Paul this season), David, Brent, Marcus and Lerone?  I only made up one of those names.  Can you guess which one?

Every time Chris Harrison says Sean’s name, the ladies in the crowd go wild.  In fact, Chris has to tell the audience to stop screaming otherwise this show will last “three days.”  Chris throws to the clips of all of the drama between Doug, Ryan, Kalon and Chris.

Chris (not Harrison) leads it off by saying that he was so head over heels in love with Emily that he went a little crazy.  When the maturity discussion comes up again, Doug rolls his eyes and says, “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again.”  Hulk is delightfully condescending.  Chris has zero sense of humor so he decides to turn the focus to Ryan.  Ryan doesn’t even bother to defend himself.  He just laughs it off.  Kalon defends Ryan by saying every guy — if they are being honest — was threatened by Ryan’s relationship with Emily.  Kalon opening his mouth is all the guys need to start piling on.  Stevie (the one who looks like a rat) says, “I called it from the start that you weren’t here for the right reasons.”  Congratulations, Stevie.  You managed to identify the most obvious asshole in the room on the first day.  You’re a fucking oracle.

Hot Seat — Kalon
When Chris Harrison invites him to the hot seat, he gets booed.  We see the clips of all the terrible things he said.  Chris Harrison asks, “Why did you come on the show?” 
Kalon says, “Once I found out that Emily was on the show it was a big issue that she had a child but I was already committed.”  Also, he really wanted to be on TV.  When Kalon explains that he didn’t respond well to the environment, Joe interrupts and says, “You were just there for the glitz and the glamor.”  Says the guy who signed up to be one of 25 guys to date one woman on TV.  Everyone just piles on with the usual shit you would expect.  It’s kinda pathetic.  

Look, I know that Kalon is an asshole, his “baggage” comment was out of line and he handled the aftermath poorly but continuing to beat him down for it is boring.  Picking on Kalon is like being the guy at the party who gets laughs making worn-out jokes about marriage being like prison.  It’s easy and uninventive and just makes you look dumb to anyone who actually uses their brain.

Hot Seat — Ryan
Chris Harrison calls him “one of the most hated men in the house.”  He wasn’t one of the most hated.  I think they all just thought he was ridiculous.  Except Chris.  Chris hates him.  We see the clips of all the ridiculous things he said.  When they get to the clip of Emily sending him home, Chris shouts, “SEE YA!”  Really?  You’ve spent the whole show defending your maturity and you do that?  The clips end with his speech about not being edited to look like an “arrogant ass.”  Chris Harrison says, “There are people who think you are an arrogant ass.”  

Ryan replies, “I’m confident in myself and the way God made me.  When I see these things, I know the context in which those things were being said.”  
Chris Harrison replies, “Yeah, but who says those things?” 

Chris starts, “I was confused a little bit.”  Ryan interrupts and Chris fights with him about how it’s his turn to talk and… WILL SOMEONE JUST SHOOT CHRIS IN THE FUCKING FACE?  RIGHT NOW.  SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.  Eventually, Chris asks Ryan if he could really see himself proposing to Emily at the end of this.  Ryan says, “It wasn’t about Emily.  It was about me finding my wife.”  The crowd applauds.  I love what he’s doing here.  It’s entirely possible that I’ll come away from this liking Kalon and Ryan way better than any of the other guys.  Chris continues to make a fool of himself by trying to pick on Ryan.  Seriously, Chris needs to go.

Hot Seat — Chris
Oh, great.  We get more of this pouty asshole.  The clip package focuses mostly on him being pissed about everything and the fact that he has no sense of humor.  Chris Harrison asks, “Do you anger quickly?” 
Chris says, “If there’s something I really believe in, I’ll do anything in the world to fight for it.  If it looks like I’m coming off angry, that’s how I come off.”  What is it exactly that you’re fighting for tonight?  You’re coming off real angry.  Harrison asks him if he is ready to fall in love again.  Chris says, “I’m looking forward to falling in love with that right girl.”  Which is why he’s doing Bachelor Pad.  

Hot Seat — Sean
Sean’s clip package is super boring.  You know, because he’s super boring.  Which is why he’d be the perfect fit for Emily.  Absolutely nothing interesting happens during his interview because Chris Harrison is too busy trying to make him look good in case they want to make him the next Bachelor.  

Hot Seat — Emily
Chris Harrison calls her, “One of the most popular Bachelorettes ever.”  Really?  Well, I guess Kim Kardashian is super popular, too.  

They spend way too much time letting Emily and Sean say nice things about each other.  We don’t care.  Get to the Kalon stuff.

Emily says her only regret is that she didn’t give Doug the group date rose the night she found out about Kalon’s “baggage” comment.  She says, “If not for Doug, I could be engaged to Kalon.”  Really Pander Bear?  After all your talk of treating people right, you’re also going to take cheap shots?  You won.  Let it go.  Kalon says, “Obviously, I’m sorry for the way things transpired between us.  You look very, very happy and I’m happy for you.  I am trying to use it as a growing experience in my future relationships and I really wish the best for you.”  

Emily replies, “And you my dear should be a politician because that’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.”  The crowd goes wild because they are a bunch of brainless idiots.  She then says, “I think that the true sign of class is that you can go back and say I’m truly sorry.”  Didn’t he just say he was sorry?  That’s all he can do.  If you don’t believe him, that’s your problem.

I guess I’m assuming too much when I ask these attention-starved people to use their brains.

Bloopers
I’m not going to describe the bloopers.  Also, they are the lamest bloopers in the history of bloopers.

Chris Harrison closes the show by saying to Emily, “Normally, I would ask how things are going but I’m not going to.  Everyone will have to tune in this Sunday.”  Gee, thanks, buddy.  Can’t we just start Bachelor Pad already?
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