Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Predict the Notre Dame Football Season

Warning: This post contains heavy football content.  If this is something you have an averse reaction to, you should stop reading.  Unless you want to read the hilarious joke about Forrest Gump.

On Saturday the Fighting Irish will be in Ireland.  Wait, that’s not clear…

On Saturday the Irish will be in Dublin to take on Navy.  Nope, still not clear…

On Saturday the University of Notre Dame’s football team, known as the Fighting Irish, will be in Dublin to play the United States Naval Academy’s football team, known as the Midshipmen.  They will be playing football.  Not the kind of football that the Irish call football.  The Irish citizens, I mean.  The Irish and the Midshipmen won’t be playing the Irish brand of football.  They’ll be playing a game of the American brand of football in which the Irish will hope to dictate their brand of football on the game.  Which is not the actual Irish brand of football.  Which is called soccer in America.

Got it?  

The point is that college football starts on Saturday and my school’s team (the Notre Dame Fighting Irish) will be playing and I’m pretty effing excited about it.  I’m so excited that I thought I’d give you my game by game predictions for how the Irish’s season will turn out.

No, I’m not going to predict the weather for the fall in Ireland.

You know what I’m trying to do.  Here goes:

September 1: at Navy
The Irish are going to Ireland to play Navy and somehow the Irish aren’t the home team.  We’re deliberately making football as complicated as possible for foreigners to understand.  Which is exactly how we like it.  USA!  USA!  USA!

My prediction: Irish 36, Midshipmen 20

September 8: vs. Purdue
My lovely bride will accompany me to this game and the Irish never lose when Dee is in the stadium.  Possibly because the other team is blinded by her radiant beauty (the Notre Dame players are used to such beauty as Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s might as well be model factories).  Also, Purdue stinks.

My prediction: Irish 33, Boilermakers 13

September 15: at #13 Michigan State
I’m pretty sure that if you go to a game at Michigan State they will blast the “THIS IS SPARTA!” line from 300 over the loud speakers every time they get a first down or something.  Doesn’t that seem like something these jackasses would do?

My prediction: Irish 20, Spartans 17

September 22: vs. #8 Michigan
Michigan’s team is known as the Wolverines.  Many Notre Dame fans call Michigan the Skunkbears.  Also, Michigan’s administrators have spent much of their existence trying to wink Notre Dame and its football program out of existence.  Mostly because Notre Dame is a Catholic university.  So there’s that.  Short story: we hate the fuck out of each other.

My prediction: Irish 33, Skunkbears 34

October 6: vs. Miami
Poop on Miami.  Poop right on their face.

My prediction: Irish 28, Hurricanes 17

October 13: vs. #21 Stanford
These guys are smart.  Notre Dame guys are smart but we’re beaten down by bad weather.  Stanford guys will be buoyed by mild California weather.  Also, I’d like to thank them for Andrew Luck.  Go Colts!

My prediction: Irish 10, Cardinal 14

October 20: vs. BYU
The Mormons waltz in to South Bend with their magic underwear but it just won’t be magic enough.  Dude, that magic underwear has to get funky by the end of the season.

My prediction: Irish 28, Cougars 20

October 27: at #4 Oklahoma
Remember Brian Bosworth?  I’d like you to remember Brian Bosworth.  In fact, I’d like Oklahoma’s entire legacy to be Brian Bosworth.  That guy did a ton of steroids.

My prediction: Irish 20, Sooners 31

November 3: vs. Pitt
I’m often surprised that Pitt has a football program.  Then I’m more surprised that Pitt has fans.  It’s a weird situation.

My prediction: Irish 27, Panthers 17

November 10: at Boston College
Guys, BC is real bad.  I can’t even muster up a joke.

My prediction: Irish 40, Eagles 10

November 17: vs. Wake Forest
I may the only person who wanted a scene in Forrest Gump where his mom was trying to rouse him from a nap by yelling, “Wake, Forrest!  Wake, Forrest!  Wake!”  Admit it, you wanted it, too.

My prediction: Irish 24, Demon Deacons 17

November 24: at #1 USC
Do I dare?  Do I predict a miracle upset of the #1 team in the country on their own field?  Hell no.  We’re not good enough to beat USC and the refs — which we always have to do when we go to L.A.  I’m not complaining, I’m just stating fact.

My prediction: Irish 14, USC 28

Hang on.  Let me count this up…  8-4.  I guess the Irish are going to be 8-4 this year.  Dang.  That’s not going to get them into any good bowl games.  Good thing I’m terrible at predicting games.

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