Tuesday, August 07, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #3 - A Review

Doesn’t it seem like it’s been about three weeks since the last Bachelor Pad?  That was a great three weeks.  

The Competition
This week’s competition is an obstacle course.  Will Erica even make it past the first obstacle?  Chris Harrison calls it “Hot Sludge Funday.”  The course is covered in ingredients for a sundae.  The women must wade through ice cream, slide down a hot fudge ramp, crab walk through whipped cream and put on a sack and sprinkle themselves with nuts.  They will then tag their partner and the guys will run the course backwards.  I’m pretty sure they added the sack simply so they can make “nutsack” jokes.
Covering half-naked people in sundae toppings sounds sexy, right?  Turns out there’s a big difference between strategically placed sundae toppings and collecting pools of hot fudge in your butt crack while sliding down a ramp.  Who knew? 

The catch is that they don’t get to stick with their partner.  The guys have to partner with the girl to their left.  As usual, the losing couple gets a vote against them.  Kalon is now partnered with Erica.  He’s not worried because he thinks, “She can just eat her way through Pac-Man style.”  I like this guy.  

Jamie has opened up a big lead when she tags Ed.  Ed immediately falls behind.  David and Michael race to a photo finish.  Literally.  It’s so close they have to review the tape to determine the winner.  Meanwhile, Ed can’t pull himself up the damn wall.  Even though Jaclyn was the last girl to finish, Chris (Jaclyn’s partner for this race) manages to pass Ed and save himself from losing.  Ed doesn’t even finish because his only skill is drinking.

The video reveals that David and Rachel are the winners.  Michael says, “I think it’s safe to say that people have underestimated David.  I am one of those people.”  David and Rachel each get to go on a date and take three people each.

First Date — David, Blakeley, Erica, Jamie
They walk into a ballroom and it’s decked out like a prom.  In fact, a sign reads, “Welcome to Prom.”  There are dresses for the ladies and a tux for David.  While they are getting changed, Blakeley immediately turns on bitch mode and freezes Jamie out.  Just like a real prom.

There’s a band.  A country band of some type.  Jamie seems to know who she is.  I don’t care.  
During the prom photos, David gives Jamie a little kiss and Blakeley is appalled.  Horrified, even.

David has a crush on Jamie.  She knows it, so she turns on the waterworks and tells him that she didn’t get to go to her senior prom because it was “a weekend that my mom disappeared.”  Is there a crazy mom backstory that I completely missed?  David buys it.  

Blakeley is convinced that David owes her because she took him on a date and didn’t give him a rose.  She takes credit for him staying even though she had absolutely nothing to do with it.  This is how crazy brain works.  You do the opposite of what you promised and then convince yourself you kept the promise.
He gives the rose to Jamie.  Erica and Blakeley are sent home and Jamie and David awkwardly slow dance to a lame country song.  Just like a real prom.

Blakeley is pissed and promises that David and Jamie are going to pay.  Has she forgotten they both have roses?  On the car ride home Erica taunts Blakeley by saying, “Don’t they look like a cute couple?  They totally look like they are in love in this photo.”  If they had a competition where they kicked people while they were down, Erica would win that in a blowout.

Back at the house
Reid is on a desperate mission to keep Ed from finding out that he tried to get Ed voted out last week.  He tries to get Ed on his side.  Ed buys it.  

The party gets crazy again.  Ed hoists Jaclyn out of the pool and they head to the bedroom for sexy time.  Ed does his whooping and yelling while they are hooking up.  Really?  That’s something that you ladies will put up with?  Somewhere Sarah is crying.

Second Date — Rachel, Nick, Tony, Michael
Rachel is not concerned about the game.  She just wants to spend time with Michael.  They go to Madame Tussauds where they will be turned into wax figures in order to play pranks on Bachelor fans.  You know, the kind of pranks where they stand really still and then suddenly move and people are just kinda startled and it’s not funny or interesting or even a date.

The best part is when an unsuspecting fan describes Tony by saying, “What’s a nicer word for pathetic?”  Nope, the word you’re looking for is pathetic.

Since the date involved actively trying to avoid interaction with one another, Tony and Nick don’t have a chance.  She gives Michael the rose and they go get snuggly with each other while the creepy wax figurines watch.

Back at the house
Jamie just wants to hook up with Chris.  She says, “I just want to fall in love on TV and show my kids.”  Instead, she’ll get to show them this.  She undresses, puts on a towel and tries to join Chris in his bed.  He’s not having it.  He says, “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  She slinks away in defeat.  Afterwards, she says, “I could have made it happen.  That’s what I do, I make things happen.”  Like crying about not having anyone to spend the holidays with?  Is that an example of you making things happen?  

The Scheming
Reid wants to get rid of Ed and Blakeley.  He tells Sarah to vote Ed off again.  Sarah tells Ed that Reid is scheming to get him off.  Apparently, if you give Ed a beej, you still feel allegiance to him even though someone else has given him a beej more recently.  Ed calls Reid on his schemes.  Reid denies it.  
Michael is working to get the guys to vote off Donna.  Reid is convinced he has the votes to send Blakeley home.  

Donna is desperate.  Instead of trying to fight for herself she decides to make out with Nick instead.  Meanwhile we see Michael, Tony, Ed and Chris voting for Donna.  We see Reid, Dave and Nick vote for Blakeley.  Kalon is the swing vote.

Reid gets ahead of himself and talks to Jaclyn about being his partner after Ed is gone.  It does not go well.  Jaclyn is now on a mission to send Reid home.  Believe it or not, Ed hooking up with multiple girls is the only thing saving him right now.  

Sarah is the swing vote and there’s no way she voted for Ed.  

The Rose Ceremony
Michael, David, Jamie, Rachel are safe.  Chris Harrison says, “If I do not call your name you will be leaving Bachelor Pad forever.”  Unless you are Erica Rose and you get invited to every season.  It gets down to Ed and Reid and Blakeley and Donna.  Chris says it’s the closest vote yet this season.  Blakeley and Ed get the roses.  Donna and Reid go home.

Before Donna and Reid go home, Jaclyn says, “We need to re-evaluate how we play this game and be honest.”  Yes, Jaclyn.  Plead for honesty among this group of money-grubbing attention whores.  That should work.

Reid knows that he got played and he’s in shock.  Mostly he’s pissed that Ed outlasted him again.

Donna says, “I’m not used to guys sending me home.  Usually they are throwing themselves at me and they are going to miss me in my bikini.”  They may miss you in your bikini but they’re not going to miss your butterface.

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