Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #4 - A Review

We’re only four episodes in but it feels like twelve.  We have to be due for a double vote out soon.  Please.

Before everyone can go to bed, Chris Harrison comes in.  He brings in questionnaires for everyone to fill out.  This is how they get everyone to say awful things about each other.  Kalon says, “I see where this is going.  The answer to every question is going to be me or Erica.”

The Competition
They’re calling it “Gameshow Mashup.”  The guys and girls will answer questions in separate groups.  The high scorers from each group get a rose and the low scorers get a vote against them.  In the first round they are asked Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia.  In the second round Chris reads a quote of someone saying something awful and they have to guess who said it.

The women go first.  Sarah takes an early lead and Chris is openly cheering for her which gets under Blakeley’s skin.  No one acts surprised.  Jaclyn is a close second.  The only controversial or interesting quote from this round is: “The person who has accomplished the least is Blakeley.”  This is said by Nick which no one guesses.

It comes down to the final question which Jaclyn gets right and Sarah gets wrong.  Jaclyn gets the rose and Rachel gets the vote against her.

Ed and Michael take an early lead when it’s the guys’ turn.  The quotes for this group are much more interesting:

“The amount of men I slept with is 11, no 12, no 9.”  Said by Blakeley.  

The most scandalous place they’ve ever “made whoopie” is on top of a car in a public parking lot.  Not a surprise that this is Sarah.

“Would rather sleep with Chris over her current partner because ‘he is so hot.” Said by Jamie.

“Jaclyn is the most fake because she lies and manipulates constantly.”  Also said by Jamie, and most of the guys get it right.

“Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason.”  Said by Blakeley who is giving her a run for her money as the most annoying in the house.  Clearly they are trying to amp up the drama between Jamie and Blakeley.

Ed wins the competition.  David had the lowest score.

Jaclyn is determined to send Jamie home.  She’s not going to have many problems with that.  Kalon comforts Jamie and tells her that she’s not “first on our minds.”  In his testimonial he says, “I mean, when you put a dog down you pat its head, right?”

The First Date — Jaclyn, Ed
Sarah thinks that she’s going to get to spend time with Ed while Jaclyn is out with another guy.  Wrong.  She’s pissed that Jaclyn is trying to claim Ed.  What gives Sarah more of a claim to him than Jaclyn?  Did Sarah’s blowjob somehow count for more than Jaclyn’s blowjob?

Ed and Jaclyn go to Dodger Stadium.  They goof around on the field for a while before they settle down for a picnic on the pitcher’s mound.

Jaclyn is given a rose and a note from Chris Harrison.  Jaclyn gets to give a rose to another man and that man gets to go on a date with another girl.  Jaclyn wants to give the rose to Kalon to strengthen the alliance.  Because Ed is an idiot, he wants to give it to Chris.  Jaclyn does not want to give it to Chris because she understands the game.  They’ll give it to Chris.

Meanwhile…
Chris decicdes he wants Blakeley gone.  While Blakeley bitches to Rachel, Chris seeks out Jamie for a hookup.  They go to bed and she spends the entire time asking him questions and talking about how she doesn’t want to get hurt.  Chris says, “The only way to shut her up is just to kiss her.”  He follows that up with, “Kissing Jamie… there’s just no spark there.”  And yet, Kalon is the one we’re supposed to hate?

The Second Date — Chris, Sarah
The next morning, Jaclyn and Ed give the rose to Chris.  Jamie is excited because she thinks she’s going on the date.  Blakeley thinks she deserves the date even though there is no rose to be had.  Instead, Chris chooses Sarah.

Jamie is crushed.  Surprise!  As is Blakeley.  Double Suprise Oreo!  Chris says, “I would have a million times more fun with Sarah than I would with Blakeley or Jamie.”  Blakeley pulls him aside.  She asks him to promise that he’ll be her partner through the end.  He says he can’t make that promise.  Dude is playing with fire.  I’m pretty sure Blakeley knows how to use knives.

Chris talks his way out of trouble with Jamie by saying that he can’t take her because it would ruin his partnership with Blakeley.  Jamie buys it and says, “That’s what makes him so attractive.  He doesn’t get pleasure out of causing pain.”  Oh, doesn’t he?  You know that stabbing feeling you’re getting while watching this at home, Jamie?  He’s enjoying that.

Chris and Sarah are hitting it off during the car ride to their date.  They stop in a parking garage.  Suddenly the car takes off at high speed around the garage.  They crash into a pile of cardboard boxes.  They are told they will be filming an action movie.  Chris is taken hostage and Sarah is to save him.  They beat up some bad guys and then they make out in the end.  Real dumb. 

They have dinner on the roof of the Checkers Hilton in downtown LA.  It’s a nice hotel and they’ll mail you your raincoat if you leave it in your room.  They are hitting it off.  Chris says, “At this point, I’m really not thinking strategically.  I’m just trying to enjoy my time with Sarah.”

Sarah says, “The chemistry between Chris and I is sexual and… hot.”  That’s not chemistry.  That’s just being horny.

Chris and Sarah decide to get a room for the night at the hotel.  Sarah says, “I think Chris is going to be a really good partner and loyal to me.”  Wait, what?  Who are these stupid girls?  

Back at the house…
Chris Harrison brings out a rose for Ed to hand out.  He wastes no time giving the rose to Rachel.  I expected him to ask if he could give it to Chris.

Jamie and Blakeley have a fight and somehow Jamie walks away thinking that she’s in the clear to be with Chris.  She decides to tell everyone about it.  Then she decides to tell us about what a great husband he will be.  Are you watching Jamie?  Don’t you long for the days when you were just the girl who made out awkwardly with Ben?

The Scheming
David knows he’s on the block.  He asks Jaclyn if there are any guys she would send home besides him.  She says Nick.  David is now on a mission to send Nick home.  He goes to Blakeley and Jamie and he seems to be winning them over.  He tries to get Michael on his side and fails.  We see Erica, Rachel and Lindzi vote for Nick.

Nick tells Jamie that he’ll vote Blakeley if she votes David.  She’s hesitant but she agrees.  David catches her one last time and tries to convince her to vote Nick.  She votes for Nick.  Nick should have staked out the door of the voting room.  She’ll vote with whoever talks to her last.

Chris talks to Michael and tells him his plan to send Blakeley home.  Michael decides to teach Chris a lesson by getting his alliance to vote out Jamie.  Kalon tells everyone what they want to hear and has a great time doing it.

Ed is confused.  More than usual, I mean.  Kalon tells them that he and everyone else is voting for Blakeley.  Ed still doesn’t know who to vote for.  Chris is 100% confident that Blakeley is going home.

The Rose Ceremony
Chris, Ed, Rachel and Jaclyn are safe.  Blakeley says, “If I’m here tomorrow, I’m going to Donkey Punch him in the throat.”  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what a Donkey Punch is.

It gets down to Nick and David and Blakeley and Jamie.  Jamie and David go home.

As she leaves, Jamie confronts Chris and says, “What you are doing to these girls is wrong.”  Chris, “What have I been doing?  Fighting to keep you here?  Whatever.”  He then waves her away.  Do we still hate Kalon more?

David is just happy he was there.  He says, “I was the last fan standing and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I really did not deserve this experience and I got to have it.  Leaving the house is the saddest thing I’ll ever do.”  Really?  He bought in to the whole “you don’t deserve it” thing?  C’mon.  You auditioned just like everyone else on this damn show.

In the car, Jamie says, “To care for someone and then to have him treat you that way…  I have very little respect for the people there.  Especially Chris.  He really thinks he’s something and he’s not.”  Oh, he’s something.  Just not what he thinks he is.

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