Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 - A Review

If I had to choose my favorite knife in my kitchen, I’d probably choose my tomato knife.  Oh, shit.  Bachelor Pad is on.

After the rose ceremony, Chris goes straight to his bed and hides under the blankets.  You know, because he’s a child.  Everyone is now targeting Chris.  Chris thinks Kalon lied to him.  To the camera, Kalon says, “Yeah, I’m a liar…  Do you want me to elaborate on that?”  

Chris and Ed get into a shouting match during which Chris utters his go-to phrase, “I’m a grown ass man!”  He can say it all he wants but we’ll never believe him.  Chris is surprised that people are lying to him and mistreating him.  You know, because he has no concept of reality.

Also, Blakeley is now partners with Tony which is weird.

The Challenge
Chris Harrison calls it “The Great Fall of China.”  They have to stack six tea cups and saucers and walk them between tables without touching or dropping them.  Blakeley is excited.  She says, “I’m so glad I worked at Hooters for 13 years.”  The winners get roses and there will be no penalty against the losers.

The ladies go first.  In the season’s biggest shock, Erica doesn’t even try.  She says, “I’m just pissed that I haven’t gotten a challenge that caters to my strengths.”  Yeah, maybe next week they’ll break out the Be Annoying and Worthless Challenge.

Sarah appears to win the competition but she touched a cup just before she reached the table and is disqualified.  Blakeley wins instead.  Sarah says, “It sucks to win a competition and then get DQ’ed.  Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel.”  No you don’t.  Olympic swimmers actually have to work their entire lives for their chance to make the Olympics so they feel real disappointment.

Now it’s the guys’ turn.  Blakeley is in Tony’s face coaching him the whole time.  It annoys the shit out of everyone.  Chris takes an early lead but he drops the cups just before the finish line.  Tony wins and he says, “I thought it was so helpful that Blakeley was coaching me.”  Wow.  This dude is desperate for some poon.

The First Date — Kalon and Lindzi
Chris Harrison arrives and gives a rose to Blakeley to give to one other guy since she will be taking Tony on her date.  Without hesitation, she gives it to Kalon.  He then offers Blakeley the choice between two dates.  One is an overnight date and the other is a “regular” date.  She chooses the overnight date because she’s also desperate for some poon.

Kalon and Lindzi will be taking the first date.  Lindzi is given jewelry like in Pretty Woman and Kalon gets keys to a Bentley.  Blakeley is not happy.  

Kalon follows the GPS where it tells him to go.  Eventually, they stop on a bridge that has been shut down so they can have dinner.  As if traffic isn’t bad enough in L.A.  Right, people from L.A.?  (I’ve never driven in L.A.)  For the first time ever, someone (Kalon) acknowledges that he could never live up to a date like this in real life.

Kalon tells Lindzi, “I never in a million years thought I would find this.  I’m actually, possibly, maybe in love with the person I’m here with.”  Way to actually, possibly, almost say something meaningful.
Lindzi makes it a point to talk about how misunderstood Kalon is.  Too bad no one cares.

Back at the House…
Chris says to Sarah, “I went from the king of the castle to the servant.  How did this happen?”  He’s so self-absorbed that he truly has no idea how he got himself into this situation.  Not only is he dumb, but he has zero sense of himself.  Pretty sure those are textbook signs of a psychopath.  

Chris hatches a plan to convince Ed and Nick to vote Lindzi off.  He wants to take Lindzi down with him to spite Kalon.

The Second Date — Blakeley and Tony
The date card reads, “Choose one woman to see the stars.”  Blakeley immediately assumes that it will be jets and Vegas and a huge over-the-top date.

Instead, they get keys to a jeep that is parked outside.  Blakeley can’t hide her disappointment.  Tony is psyched to just be on a date with Blakeley.  Blakeley can’t shut up about what awesome thing might be next.  They drive out to the desert and they have a picnic set up outside a trailer.  Perfect.  I can’t wait for Walter White to show up to teach them how to cook meth.

We’re then treated to boring conversation about how they are falling for each other because they have to share that bed inside the camper.  It’s probably the least interesting stretch of TV I’ve ever witnessed.
Tony turns on the radio in the car and they dance.  The only thing better than this white trash date would be if the producers bailed and left the car battery to die and Tony and Blakeley were stranded in the desert.

While Tony and Blakeley climb into the trailer, we see a montage of everyone making out with their partners and Ed passed out on the couch while Jaclyn pats his head.

Back at the House…
Chris sucks up to Ed and apologizes.  Ed agrees to forget about it.  Chris tells Ed that Kalon “handled it like a little boy.”  Wait, who ran to his bed and hid under the covers?  Who shouted at each other like children?  Who said “grown ass man” about twelve times?  

When Blakeley and Tony return and tell everyone the story of their date, Chris’ reaction is that Tony is brainwashed.  Blakeley is worried that Tony will give Sarah the rose.  

Tony and Chris talk.  Tony says that everything that happened on the date was “pleasantly unexpected.”  Chris replies, “So you owe me one.”  Yes, everything is about you, Chris.  You’re just like my daughter except my daughter’s excuse is that she’s 15 months old.  What’s yours?  Chris then tries to convince Tony to give the rose to Sarah — or at least not give it to Lindzi.  He tells Tony that he, “Does not want Kalon and Lindzi there at the end.”  Really?  You don’t want the guy that no one likes at the end when the rest of the cast votes for the winning couple?  Chris thinks everyone else is dumb — another sign of a psychopath.

When Tony is about to announce who he is giving the rose to, Chris interrupts and talks to him outside.  He tries to convince Tony to give it to Sarah one last time.  I’m not exactly sure how this helps him but he’s sticking to that play.  Tony gives the rose to Jaclyn.

The Scheming
Everyone knows their votes.  They will vote off Chris and Sarah.  No one’s mind can be changed.
Chris Harrison comes out to talk about the couples.  He points out that Kalon and Lindzi, Michael and Rachel and Tony and Blakeley are all partners and couples.  When he gets to Ed and Jaclyn, Ed says that he told himself that he wouldn’t get involved romantically and he still won’t.  He says, “I came here to have fun first.  I’m happy to have Jaclyn as a partner but I’m not interested.”  Jaclyn clearly does not feel the same way and is obviously hurt.  Ed don’t care, he’s just crazy fun guy, whoop-de-doo!

Chris Harrison then says, “I think it’s time to shake things up.”  He announces that all of them will vote for one woman.  The woman who is eliminated will get to choose the one man who goes home as well.
This ruins Chris’ plan to send Lindzi home because he knows she would choose him, but he sees that it gives him new life.  Michael develops a scheme to send Erica home but make it look like it was Chris’ idea.  

After much scheming, Jaclyn tells Erica that Chris is voting for her.  Erica confronts Chris and tells him that if she goes home, Chris goes with her.  It looks like Michael’s scheme is working to perfection.  While talking with Kalon — why is he talking with Kalon again? — Chris figures out that Michael is behind it all says that he should bring Erica into the voting booth with him as a joke.  Kalon says, “Do it.”  So he does.  Michael’s scheme is foiled.  Michael admits that Chris made a nice play — which he did.

The Rose Ceremony
Jaclyn and Blakeley have roses and are safe.  Kalon and Tony have roses and cannot be picked by the girl going home.

Lindzi gets the final rose which means Erica is going home.  She chooses Michael because she wants to break up an alliance.  When Rachel confronts her, she goes off about what a terrible person Michael is and how Holly made the best decision in the world by dumping Michael.  You know, typical mean-spirited shit from a small person.  I’d celebrate that Erica is finally gone but she’s not.  We’ll have to see her again on the finale.  We can only hope that will be the last time we ever see her on TV.  She’s the Kim Kardashian of the Bachelor franchise.  That may be the worst insult I’ve ever thought of.


  1. I like my tomato knife as well, but it is a little too specific. The 7" Santoku is the queen of my stable; she turns more tricks than any of these whores on the show!

    1. Ah, yes. I have a 7" Santoku. I've never used it. Not once. Probably because I don't cook. Maybe I should take up knife throwing instead.

    2. So what the hell are you doing with the tomato knife?

    3. It was taco night. I cook on taco night. We like tomatos on our taco.