There are still ten people left on this show. It’s time to focus up and get rid of some people. They need to wrap this up before football season.
After the Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison comes back into the mansion to let everyone know they will be competing as couples. The couples are: Chris and Sarah, Kalon and Lindzi, Ed and Jaclyn, Tony and Blakeley and Nick and Rachel. Yes, Nick is still on this show. No, I’m not sure if he’s a former cast member or a fan.
They eat up about 20 minutes letting us know that everyone wants Chris gone again. Why is this show two hours? Seriously, I know a ton of people who could come up with an hour drama that is at least as good as Desperate Housewives ever was. Call me, ABC.
They are all bussed to an auditorium for “The First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee.” So they’ve already decided to do this again next year? You don’t call something “First Annual” if there are not plans for a second.
Chris Harrison tells them that they will spell as a couple. The couple alternates letter by letter. If you misspell a word, you get a strike. Three strikes and you are out.
Tony is comically bad at spelling and he and Blakeley are the first couple out.
Lindzi and Kalon — who were very confident going in to the competition — are the second couple out. Then Nick and Rachel bomb out.
I would take the time to make fun of their inability to spell if spelling wasn’t a completely useless skill in today’s world. It’s hard for me to judge anyone too harshly on their spelling skills. Mine are poor.
Ed and Jaclyn and Chris and Sarah are the final two couples. Chris and Sarah have one strike, Ed and Jaclyn have none.
Ed and Jaclyn miss “aphrodisiac” and then miss “boutonniere.” They then miss on “flabbergasted” for their third strike. Chris and Sarah screw up “entrepreneur” to send it in to sudden death. The first couple to spell a word correctly when the other team misses is the winner.
Ed and Jaclyn miss “cockamamie.” Chris and Sarah correctly spell “serendipity” to win the spelling bee, roses and a date.
Blakeley cries because she cries at everything. Tony consoles her awkwardly because he’s awkward at everything.
Ed and Jaclyn also get an overnight date.
The First Date — Chris and Sarah
They are driven straight to an airport where they get in a small plane and proceed to be obnoxious about how awesome they are. They get on an old-timey train and ride off into the middle of nowhere. Chris actually admits that his dealings with Blakeley and Jamie were mistakes. The train takes them to a little lake. They strip off their clothes — under which they are wearing bathing suits — and jump in the lake. Was everyone in the cast wearing bathing suits under their clothes during the spelling bee? Chris claims that he is still a little hung up on Emily which is why he’s not putting it all out there with Sarah. Sure. Whatever.
They have dinner in a barn. They talk about Chris’ “relationship” with Emily. She asks him if he’s over it. He says, “I don’t know but you’re helping me figure it out.” He’s in total spin control mode and he’s trying to make this look like a relationship since he knows he was a dick for the first half of the show. Plus, there are no other women left to hook up with. They finish dinner and spend the rest of the time making out. Then they close the doors and eff in the hay.
Meanwhile Back at the House…
Rachel is ready to quit. She is a mess. A pitiful mess. What does she do when someone she’s dating goes on a work trip? Does she completely shut down her life? Michael’s not dead, he’s just at a hotel somewhere.
Jaclyn and Blakeley convince Rachel to stay. Jaclyn thinks that everyone else has put more into the game than Lindzi. Which is true. She’s done absolutely nothing on this show except wear way too much makeup. They make a pact to vote off Kalon and Lindzi.
When Blakeley thinks about winning the money, she says, “Oh my god, I can get cable.” To which Jaclyn replies, “And you can stop waxing assholes.” If she gets cable, I bet she could find a reality show about people who wax assholes.
Tony sets up a little “date” at the house for him and Blakeley. He’s really into her but it’s clear she’s only playing along because she can’t resist being with anyone who shows interest. She tells him that she has trust issues and that he’ll have to “be a strong man to break through that.” She’s already prepping the breakup.
The Second Date — Ed and Jaclyn
Ed wants to “set the record straight” on the date. They get in a small commuter plane which flies them to an island off the coast of California.
When they sit down for a picnic, Ed says, “The reality is that I have been pursuing someone at home for a while now. Six months ago it developed into a relationship.” He says that they agreed to break up and that he was coming on the show single. He tells her he’s not there to find a girl and fall in love. Jaclyn is pissed. However, she fucked the guy that had already fucked another girl on the show and he’s okay with both women knowing about it and living in the same house. He’s not going to be your Prince Charming.
At dinner, Jaclyn tells him that she wouldn’t have acted the way she did if she knew about the other girl. She says, “What we have done and what you have said are two different things.” Ed says, “I feel like this is a Facebook status thing. We’re in the Bachelor Pad house, are we in a relationship or are we couple or are we a team. Why make that distinction? It’s childish.” I’m not sure who he’s arguing with, but it’s not Jaclyn. That makes zero sense. Jaclyn replies, “You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit. I don’t want to look like a whore.” Ed says, “I don’t want to look like an asshole.” Too late.
Jaclyn sleeps with him anyway. It doesn’t make her look like a whore, just a fool.
Ed and Jaclyn return with roses. They have to give two roses out to save one couple from elimination. Everyone immediately jumps into suck up mode.
They give the roses to Blakeley and Tony which shouldn’t be a surprise. Kalon would totally turn around and try to vote Ed and Jaclyn out. Rachel isn’t into it and Nick has just been hanging around. Why give them power? The only move is to give them to Tony and Blakeley.
Rachel tells Nick that Blakeley and Jaclyn are on their side and that he should just chill. They go immediately to vote for Kalon and Lindzi. Kalon decides that he needs to work to take down Nick and Rachel. He soft plays it to Tony and Blakeley and throws down the “not a real couple” card about Rachel and Nick. Nick talks to Tony and Blakeley. For some reason, Nick gets pissed and yells at Tony and Blakeley. Tony now wants to save Kalon.
Rachel decides to call Michael. Nick gets even more pissed. He’s seconds from hulking out. Ed and Jaclyn hold the deciding vote.
The Rose Ceremony
Ed and Jaclyn get the first rose which leaves Kalon and Lindzi and Nick and Rachel. Rachel and Nick get the roses. Kalon and Lindzi go home.
The limos start to pull away and Kalon gets out of his car and gets into the car with Lindzi. They make out. As they drive away he says, “I can’t imagine that we’re not the biggest winners in the Bachelor Pad.” Well, you’re not. Imagine it.