Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Finalé - A Review

It’s the end.  It’s finally the fucking end.  This better be good to make up for the rest of this terrible season.

Chris Harrison is calling this the “most shocking, most disturbing finalé ever.”  It better fucking be.  I’m missing football for this.

Chris Harrison welcomes back the losing Bachelor Pad contestants one by one.  No one cheers for the twins or Jamie.  You know, because they’re crazy.  Chris explains that the losing contestants will choose the winners.  Then we get to watch the entire season again.  Upon returning from the clips, Chris throws to the cast to ask them if lying is important in this game.  He is immediately awarded the Emmy for Asking The Stupidest Question Ever.

The Hot Seat
Look, this is the stupidest part of every single one of these damn shows.  I’m not going to waste your time with a ton of details.

Michael is first in the hot seat.  He admits he was outplayed by Chris and thought that Erica made the right play to take him home.  He says that her comments afterwards were out of line.  Erica stands behind her comments because she’s a waste of human flesh and she knows it.  Jaclyn calls him out for lying to Rachel and he basically puts his fingers in his ears and shouts, “Nananananananananana.”

Jaclyn takes the hot seat.  Why is she interesting?  She says that Rachel taking away her best friend’s chance to win $250,000 is unforgivable.  Really?  If she took you to the final, one of you would be taking away the other’s chance to win $250,000.  Also, if my best friend took away my ability to buy lottery tickets, I’d find a way to forgive him.  Just sayin’.

Blakeley takes the hot seat.  This is a fantastic idea.  Let’s rehash her drama because we just couldn’t get enough of it the first time.  Or we could all just put our fingers in our ears and shout, “Nanananananananana.”  After a really long speech filled with meaningless clichés, Tony proposes to her.  She says yes.  Nobody cares.

The Final Two Couples
They bring out Nick and Rachel and Chris and Sarah.  Chris Harrison talks to Rachel first.  She confronts Michael about their relationship.  He says he wasn’t falling in love.  She says she was falling in love.  She cries, he tries to explain.  She cries some more.  Boring.

Chris admits that his family and friends are disappointed by the way he acted on the show.  He says, “That’s not what I intended to do.”  No?  Then why did you keep doing it over and over?  Would he be apologizing if he didn’t need everyone’s vote?  

Questions for the Couples
Chris Harrison asks Chris if he regrets his controversial decisions.  Chris says, “No.  It’s a game, I came here to win.”  In her first clever moment ever, Blakeley says, “We get to vote.”  Chris then says, “You can’t regret the things you can’t change.”  Nope.  Those are exactly the things you regret.  They are regrets because you can’t change them.  If only we could all live in a world where every decision we ever made was correct.

The Voting
Each cast member writes the name of a couple on a white board.  There are sixteen total votes.  I’m not a mathematician but I’m pretty sure they need nine votes to win.

Michael: Rachel and Nick
Jamie: Rachel and Nick
Kalon: Sarah and Chris
Ed: Rachel and Nick
Blakeley: Rachel and Nick
Dave: Sarah and Chris
Erica: Sarah and Chris
Reid: Rachel and Nick
Lindzi: Rachel and Nick
Donna: Rachel and Nick
Tony: Rachel and Nick
Jaclyn: Rachel and Nick

Rachel and Nick are the winners.  Jaclyn and Rachel seem to have made up.  Chris Harrison tells us that all the remaining votes were for Rachel and Nick.

By the way, Nick has lost weight.  Dee thinks he might be sick.

Nick and Rachel are separated.  They must choose between two signs which read “share” and “keep.”  If they both choose “share,” they split the money.  If they both choose “keep,” neither gets the money and it is split among the other cast members.  If one chooses “keep” and the other chooses “share,” the person who chose “keep” gets all $250,000.

While they choose, Chris Harrison asks the cast what they think Rachel and Nick should do.  They all think they are going to share the money.  Ryan says, “Am I the only one who would take the money and run?”  Reid, “It’s a no-brainer.  You split the money.”  Michael is pretty adamant that Nick should be thankful for Rachel playing the game and should choose “share.”  It’s clear he feels guilty about the whole Rachel thing.

The Decision
Rachel reveals her’s first. She says, “I came here to win $250,000 but you can’t win without a partner.”  She chooses “share.”

Nick says, “Nobody would have ever put their money on me to win this.  Nobody was ever on my team.  I did this all myself.  I’m an outsider.”  He chooses “keep.”  EVIL GENIUS!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  The crowd goes wild and the cast looks shocked — except for Chris and Kalon who look positively delighted.

When the cast starts to protest, Nick walks down to them and says, “How many of you said in your interviews, ‘I can’t wait to win $125,000?’  No one.  None of you said that.”
Rachel says, “You are such a fucking schmuck.”  
Nick replies, “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.”  ULTIMATE ZINGER!

Chris Harrison turns it over to the cast.  Jaclyn says, “He didn’t deserve this.”  
Nick replies, “Why didn’t I deserve it?”  
Jaclyn says, “Because you didn’t.”  Rock solid logic, right there.
Kalon says, “I don’t think anyone here knows what ‘deserve’ means.  None of us deserves this.  We were all fortunate enough to play this game.  Nick, I didn’t give you enough credit.  I’m so proud of you.  Well played, well played.”  Chris gives him props, too.  In fact, he looks a little pissed that he didn’t get to do this himself.  
Michael says, “You weren’t sympathetic to the girl right beside you.”  A crowd member says, “You weren’t either.”  Nice.  Handled by an audience member.

Nick walks off stage.  Rachel chases him.  Rachel asks, “Why did you do this?”  Nick says, “Because it was the best move.”  For some reason she wants more of an explanation.  How’s this:  You know how when you play Monopoly you try to buy up all the property and keep building houses and hotels until the other player is bankrupt?  Do you know why you do that?  Because it’s the point of the game.  No matter what anyone else tries to tell you, the point of this game is to win $250,000.  Nick is the only person to ever do that.  You should have seen this coming, Rachel.

Who knew I’d walk away from a season of Bachelor Pad feeling satisfied?

See you in January for The Bachelor.  Maybe.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

The Bachelor Pad Episode #7 - A Review

Guys, there’s a football game on.  Is it even worth it anymore?  No, it is not.  To this point, this has easily been the worst season of Bachelor Pad.  However, I have a feeling it’s about to redeem itself.
Let’s not waste time with the post-ceremony bullshit and get straight to it.

The Competition
Chris Harrison tells them that the winner of the competition will not get a date and roses.  Instead, they will be “given a lot of power.”  He tells them to pack because one couple will go home immediately after the competition.  

There is a giant contraption built over the pool.  Chris Harrison calls it, “Hanging By A Thread.”  Each couple chooses one person to sit in a seat dangling above the pool.  The other person answers questions.  Each wrong answer cuts a rope on the chair.  Once the chair falls away, there is a bar they can hang from.  The last person to remain above the pool wins.  The winner of the competition chooses who goes home.

Rachel chooses to sit in the chair.  Everyone else chooses the guy.

Blakeley quickly misses about seventeen questions in a row and Tony is the first one to hang.  He drops into the water almost immediately.  Rachel drops in next.  It’s down to Ed and Chris.  Sarah has yet to miss a question (so how is she different than a fan, exactly?) and Ed is hanging from the bar.  As Sarah misses her first question, Ed drops into the water.  Chris and Sarah are the winners and get to choose who goes home.  

Sarah and Chris chat about who to send home.  Chris says, “I have the opportunity to shatter someone’s dreams.”  This statement is all you need to know about Chris.  When Chris and Sarah are brought before the other couples to make their decision, Chris Harrison opens it up to the couples to say something to Chris and Sarah.  Nick says that he was loyal to Chris.  Tony plays the son card.  Blakeley basically begs Chris to not send them home.  No one bothers to appeal to Sarah at all.

Before revealing who is going home, Chris McDouche says, “There are only two people here that thought Sarah and I were going to be here.  That’s me and Sarah.  We did this on our own.  We really did.”  Guess who he’s voting for in November.  He then goes through and tells everyone about how they fucked him.  He then says a lot of nice things to Tony and sends him home anyway.  Telling off everyone who is staying on the show with you is a great strategy.

In the car Blakeley says, “I don’t know why anyone else needed the money more than we did.”  Yeah, because that’s why people vote in this game.  Tony then pours his heart out to Blakeley.  Blakeley does the same.  Is anyone really interested in this relationship?

The Competition
Chris Harrison shows up in the evening to tell them that their next competition starts right now.  They pile into a limo to go to the Hollywood Palladium.  Night Ranger is on stage playing “Sister Christian.”  Quick, name another Night Ranger song.  Quick, name a single member of Night Ranger.  Quick, shoot yourself in the face because this is going to be awful.

Chris Harrison tells them that they will be singing “Sister Christian” as a couple in front of a live audience.  They will be judged by Night Ranger.  First, they will be shipped off to work with a vocal coach.

After everyone leaves, one of the band members says to Chris Harrison, “Do you think they can do it?”  Chris replies, “Oh, no.  They’re going to be terrible.”

All the vocal coaches are from Glee.  So the contestants will be naturally awful and they’ll be Glee awful.

Nick and Rachel go first.  Rachel opens it up and does a decent intro before the chorus.  Nick jumps in on the chorus and does a good job trying to sell it even though he can’t sing for shit.  Sarah is completely intimidated.  Ed is unimpressed.

Jaclyn misses the entrance and then asks if they can start over.  Ed completely forgets the lyrics and they miss the first chorus.  They miss every chorus.  They are just plain awful.

Chris starts it out.  He can’t sing, but Sarah can’t sing more.  Sarah just kinda flails around.  Chris looks awkward.  The whole time they show Chris and Sarah being awkward, we hear Sarah’s voice over talking about how awesome they are at things.  Chris has the lyrics written on his hand.

Night Ranger chooses Nick and Rachel.  They are in the finals.  They will also be deciding which couple will join them in the finals.  

Jaclyn basically says that if Rachel doesn’t pick her that it will end their friendship.  That’s one solid friendship.

Back at the House
Chris Harrison explains that the members of the house who have been voted out will choose the winning couple.

Rachel wants to give the roses to Ed and Jaclyn.  Nick wants to give them to Chris and Sarah because he thinks they have a better chance against them.  He basically browbeats her into choosing Chris and Sarah.  She’s worried about her friendship with Jaclyn.  

The Rose Ceremony
Guess what?  Chris feels like he deserves to win.  You know, because he feels like he deserves everything in the fucking world.

They choose Chris and Sarah.  Ed says, “Wow.”  Chris hugs Ed and says, “I wasn’t expecting this.”  Ed, “Neither was I.”  

Jaclyn breaks down.  When Rachel hugs Jaclyn and says, “Jaclyn, I’m so sorry.”  Jaclyn shoves her away and says, “It’s fine.”  Really?  Jaclyn is ending a “friendship” over this?  Ed and Jaclyn both talk about how Rachel should be ashamed of herself.  Whatever.  Jaclyn would have made the exact same decision because she wants to win the damn money.

These people are great big dummies.  Except for Nick.  Nick might be an evil genius.