Guys, there’s a football game on. Is it even worth it anymore? No, it is not. To this point, this has easily been the worst season of Bachelor Pad. However, I have a feeling it’s about to redeem itself.
Let’s not waste time with the post-ceremony bullshit and get straight to it.
Chris Harrison tells them that the winner of the competition will not get a date and roses. Instead, they will be “given a lot of power.” He tells them to pack because one couple will go home immediately after the competition.
There is a giant contraption built over the pool. Chris Harrison calls it, “Hanging By A Thread.” Each couple chooses one person to sit in a seat dangling above the pool. The other person answers questions. Each wrong answer cuts a rope on the chair. Once the chair falls away, there is a bar they can hang from. The last person to remain above the pool wins. The winner of the competition chooses who goes home.
Rachel chooses to sit in the chair. Everyone else chooses the guy.
Blakeley quickly misses about seventeen questions in a row and Tony is the first one to hang. He drops into the water almost immediately. Rachel drops in next. It’s down to Ed and Chris. Sarah has yet to miss a question (so how is she different than a fan, exactly?) and Ed is hanging from the bar. As Sarah misses her first question, Ed drops into the water. Chris and Sarah are the winners and get to choose who goes home.
Sarah and Chris chat about who to send home. Chris says, “I have the opportunity to shatter someone’s dreams.” This statement is all you need to know about Chris. When Chris and Sarah are brought before the other couples to make their decision, Chris Harrison opens it up to the couples to say something to Chris and Sarah. Nick says that he was loyal to Chris. Tony plays the son card. Blakeley basically begs Chris to not send them home. No one bothers to appeal to Sarah at all.
Before revealing who is going home, Chris McDouche says, “There are only two people here that thought Sarah and I were going to be here. That’s me and Sarah. We did this on our own. We really did.” Guess who he’s voting for in November. He then goes through and tells everyone about how they fucked him. He then says a lot of nice things to Tony and sends him home anyway. Telling off everyone who is staying on the show with you is a great strategy.
In the car Blakeley says, “I don’t know why anyone else needed the money more than we did.” Yeah, because that’s why people vote in this game. Tony then pours his heart out to Blakeley. Blakeley does the same. Is anyone really interested in this relationship?
Chris Harrison shows up in the evening to tell them that their next competition starts right now. They pile into a limo to go to the Hollywood Palladium. Night Ranger is on stage playing “Sister Christian.” Quick, name another Night Ranger song. Quick, name a single member of Night Ranger. Quick, shoot yourself in the face because this is going to be awful.
Chris Harrison tells them that they will be singing “Sister Christian” as a couple in front of a live audience. They will be judged by Night Ranger. First, they will be shipped off to work with a vocal coach.
After everyone leaves, one of the band members says to Chris Harrison, “Do you think they can do it?” Chris replies, “Oh, no. They’re going to be terrible.”
All the vocal coaches are from Glee. So the contestants will be naturally awful and they’ll be Glee awful.
Nick and Rachel go first. Rachel opens it up and does a decent intro before the chorus. Nick jumps in on the chorus and does a good job trying to sell it even though he can’t sing for shit. Sarah is completely intimidated. Ed is unimpressed.
Jaclyn misses the entrance and then asks if they can start over. Ed completely forgets the lyrics and they miss the first chorus. They miss every chorus. They are just plain awful.
Chris starts it out. He can’t sing, but Sarah can’t sing more. Sarah just kinda flails around. Chris looks awkward. The whole time they show Chris and Sarah being awkward, we hear Sarah’s voice over talking about how awesome they are at things. Chris has the lyrics written on his hand.
Night Ranger chooses Nick and Rachel. They are in the finals. They will also be deciding which couple will join them in the finals.
Jaclyn basically says that if Rachel doesn’t pick her that it will end their friendship. That’s one solid friendship.
Back at the House
Chris Harrison explains that the members of the house who have been voted out will choose the winning couple.
Rachel wants to give the roses to Ed and Jaclyn. Nick wants to give them to Chris and Sarah because he thinks they have a better chance against them. He basically browbeats her into choosing Chris and Sarah. She’s worried about her friendship with Jaclyn.
The Rose Ceremony
Guess what? Chris feels like he deserves to win. You know, because he feels like he deserves everything in the fucking world.
They choose Chris and Sarah. Ed says, “Wow.” Chris hugs Ed and says, “I wasn’t expecting this.” Ed, “Neither was I.”
Jaclyn breaks down. When Rachel hugs Jaclyn and says, “Jaclyn, I’m so sorry.” Jaclyn shoves her away and says, “It’s fine.” Really? Jaclyn is ending a “friendship” over this? Ed and Jaclyn both talk about how Rachel should be ashamed of herself. Whatever. Jaclyn would have made the exact same decision because she wants to win the damn money.
These people are great big dummies. Except for Nick. Nick might be an evil genius.