It’s the end. It’s finally the fucking end. This better be good to make up for the rest of this terrible season.
Chris Harrison is calling this the “most shocking, most disturbing finalé ever.” It better fucking be. I’m missing football for this.
Chris Harrison welcomes back the losing Bachelor Pad contestants one by one. No one cheers for the twins or Jamie. You know, because they’re crazy. Chris explains that the losing contestants will choose the winners. Then we get to watch the entire season again. Upon returning from the clips, Chris throws to the cast to ask them if lying is important in this game. He is immediately awarded the Emmy for Asking The Stupidest Question Ever.
The Hot Seat
Look, this is the stupidest part of every single one of these damn shows. I’m not going to waste your time with a ton of details.
Michael is first in the hot seat. He admits he was outplayed by Chris and thought that Erica made the right play to take him home. He says that her comments afterwards were out of line. Erica stands behind her comments because she’s a waste of human flesh and she knows it. Jaclyn calls him out for lying to Rachel and he basically puts his fingers in his ears and shouts, “Nananananananananana.”
Jaclyn takes the hot seat. Why is she interesting? She says that Rachel taking away her best friend’s chance to win $250,000 is unforgivable. Really? If she took you to the final, one of you would be taking away the other’s chance to win $250,000. Also, if my best friend took away my ability to buy lottery tickets, I’d find a way to forgive him. Just sayin’.
Blakeley takes the hot seat. This is a fantastic idea. Let’s rehash her drama because we just couldn’t get enough of it the first time. Or we could all just put our fingers in our ears and shout, “Nanananananananana.” After a really long speech filled with meaningless clichés, Tony proposes to her. She says yes. Nobody cares.
The Final Two Couples
They bring out Nick and Rachel and Chris and Sarah. Chris Harrison talks to Rachel first. She confronts Michael about their relationship. He says he wasn’t falling in love. She says she was falling in love. She cries, he tries to explain. She cries some more. Boring.
Chris admits that his family and friends are disappointed by the way he acted on the show. He says, “That’s not what I intended to do.” No? Then why did you keep doing it over and over? Would he be apologizing if he didn’t need everyone’s vote?
Questions for the Couples
Chris Harrison asks Chris if he regrets his controversial decisions. Chris says, “No. It’s a game, I came here to win.” In her first clever moment ever, Blakeley says, “We get to vote.” Chris then says, “You can’t regret the things you can’t change.” Nope. Those are exactly the things you regret. They are regrets because you can’t change them. If only we could all live in a world where every decision we ever made was correct.
Each cast member writes the name of a couple on a white board. There are sixteen total votes. I’m not a mathematician but I’m pretty sure they need nine votes to win.
Michael: Rachel and Nick
Jamie: Rachel and Nick
Kalon: Sarah and Chris
Ed: Rachel and Nick
Blakeley: Rachel and Nick
Dave: Sarah and Chris
Erica: Sarah and Chris
Reid: Rachel and Nick
Lindzi: Rachel and Nick
Donna: Rachel and Nick
Tony: Rachel and Nick
Jaclyn: Rachel and Nick
Rachel and Nick are the winners. Jaclyn and Rachel seem to have made up. Chris Harrison tells us that all the remaining votes were for Rachel and Nick.
By the way, Nick has lost weight. Dee thinks he might be sick.
Nick and Rachel are separated. They must choose between two signs which read “share” and “keep.” If they both choose “share,” they split the money. If they both choose “keep,” neither gets the money and it is split among the other cast members. If one chooses “keep” and the other chooses “share,” the person who chose “keep” gets all $250,000.
While they choose, Chris Harrison asks the cast what they think Rachel and Nick should do. They all think they are going to share the money. Ryan says, “Am I the only one who would take the money and run?” Reid, “It’s a no-brainer. You split the money.” Michael is pretty adamant that Nick should be thankful for Rachel playing the game and should choose “share.” It’s clear he feels guilty about the whole Rachel thing.
Rachel reveals her’s first. She says, “I came here to win $250,000 but you can’t win without a partner.” She chooses “share.”
Nick says, “Nobody would have ever put their money on me to win this. Nobody was ever on my team. I did this all myself. I’m an outsider.” He chooses “keep.” EVIL GENIUS! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! The crowd goes wild and the cast looks shocked — except for Chris and Kalon who look positively delighted.
When the cast starts to protest, Nick walks down to them and says, “How many of you said in your interviews, ‘I can’t wait to win $125,000?’ No one. None of you said that.”
Rachel says, “You are such a fucking schmuck.”
Nick replies, “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.” ULTIMATE ZINGER!
Chris Harrison turns it over to the cast. Jaclyn says, “He didn’t deserve this.”
Nick replies, “Why didn’t I deserve it?”
Jaclyn says, “Because you didn’t.” Rock solid logic, right there.
Kalon says, “I don’t think anyone here knows what ‘deserve’ means. None of us deserves this. We were all fortunate enough to play this game. Nick, I didn’t give you enough credit. I’m so proud of you. Well played, well played.” Chris gives him props, too. In fact, he looks a little pissed that he didn’t get to do this himself.
Michael says, “You weren’t sympathetic to the girl right beside you.” A crowd member says, “You weren’t either.” Nice. Handled by an audience member.
Nick walks off stage. Rachel chases him. Rachel asks, “Why did you do this?” Nick says, “Because it was the best move.” For some reason she wants more of an explanation. How’s this: You know how when you play Monopoly you try to buy up all the property and keep building houses and hotels until the other player is bankrupt? Do you know why you do that? Because it’s the point of the game. No matter what anyone else tries to tell you, the point of this game is to win $250,000. Nick is the only person to ever do that. You should have seen this coming, Rachel.
Who knew I’d walk away from a season of Bachelor Pad feeling satisfied?
See you in January for The Bachelor. Maybe.