Monday, November 26, 2012

The 'Burbs

I officially live in the ‘burbs.  I moved into my new house almost a month ago (after living in the ‘burbs with my in-laws for a month).  Where exactly?  I’m not sure.  Everything looks the same out here.  

In the two months I’ve lived in the ‘burbs, I’ve noticed the following:

Everyone in the ‘burbs has zero sense of urgency.  It’s like they never have to be on time for anything ever.  Red lights are commandments to obey long after they’ve faded to black.  Yellow lights also mean stop.  Green lights are mere suggestions.  You may go if you like when the light turns green but you most certainly don’t have to.  If you do go, you should proceed with extreme caution and zero urgency.  Also, if I don’t have to be on time for anything ever now that I live in the ‘burbs, someone please let me know.  I’ll stop being so damn prompt.

The one exception to the above rule is leaving the train station parking lot.  People want to get the fuck out.  They will cut you off, give you the finger and generally drive like people in the city hopped up on rage juice.

People in the ‘burbs only walk for exercise.  Walking as a means of transportation is unheard of and often scoffed at.

Hairspray.  The ‘burbs is where the world keeps all its hairspray.  Or maybe it’s just because I now live on the south side.

Nearly everyone in the ‘burbs has direct access to their own personal parks.  In the ‘burbs they call them “yards.”  I thought yards were just how you measured first downs.

Everyone in the ‘burbs also has their own personal parking spots for which they don’t have to pay anything extra.  Many of these are attached directly to their homes.  Often they are covered and have special magical doors that open when they drive up.

People in the ‘burbs only ask you for money if you are buying something from them.

I get to see my old friend Orion again.  He was so hard to find when I lived in the city.

Cops in the ‘burbs have nothing better to do than sit around and try to catch people speeding.  The number of cop cars I see parked on the side of the road is criminal.

By the way, I’ve not yet been caught speeding.  I’m just trying to make it clear I live in a police state.
The ‘burbs are also where the world keeps all its Christmas lights.  Often they are piled randomly on various homes.

Man, it’s super fucking windy out here.

While driving last week, I thought I got lost because I kept driving by the same Applebee’s over and over.  Turns out I was just driving to Rockford.
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